I have not written in a few months because my husband really doesn't want to talk about what is going on in our house. He and I are completely opposite in some respects. He doesn't talk much, I talk too much. He keeps things in, I let things out. He doesn't like to share information, I share everything. Sometimes I know that I drive him crazy. He doesn't fully understand the concept of my need to throw things out into the universe. I don't like keeping things in~I need to write them down for my own sanity. If it helps others, then all the better. If others decide to judge, then it is their problem not mine. I freely admit to bad decisions. In this particular case the bad decision was compounded when I trusted the wrong people to try to help me to correct it. Sometimes you have to go outside of your comfort zone to try to make things better.
Several years ago we took out a second mortgage. We were struggling and we came up with a plan with the credit union. It would have been great if my husband hadn't gotten hurt a year later. His back injury put him off of work for over six months. During that time we had to rob Peter to pay Paul to make sure that both mortgages were being paid. It was then that I realized that our house, though I loved it, was actually keeping us from really living. We couldn't afford to do anything because all of the money we had went into the mortgages. We couldn't afford to keep the house, but couldn't afford to leave the house. A catch-22 that has frustrated me to no end. I tried on a couple of different occasions to work with the credit union to improve the situation. They would come up with this plan or that. After a few different refinances, somehow the loan turned into a monster and grew larger than the first mortgage. We tried to put the two mortgages together but the credit union didn't think that was in our best interest. Of course then the market crashed which made everything worse. I have felt trapped here in this situation for several years--juggling bills, having weeks where we had to wait a few days to buy milk and then other weeks where all is great. I know that such is life, but I have come to a point where we need to let the house go and move on. I want to be able to take a road trip without it crippling us for months. I want to be able to enjoy life without waiting for the house of cards to crash.
In the fall, the credit union forced us to do another refinance, they claimed we had a balloon payment that was due. That was news to me, but then again, I have given them way too much trust in the past years at helping us to keep on track. I knew that it was time to get free of this burden. We have a friend who specializes in short sales. It isn't ideal, but it is a way to get out from under the house and start fresh. My husband is not happy with the fact that we are going this route. He feels it shows a failure in us and that it is an embarrassment. I know that thousands of people were in our boat with the crash. Many had to go into foreclosure. We have held on for a long time. I'm tired and want to let go of the sinking ship. Doing a short sale is not my idea of fun, but it gives me hope. Well-most of the time it gives me hope. There are nights though when I'm awake for hours thinking of all that can go wrong. In order to do a short sale you have to stop paying the mortgage. Our credit went from stellar two months ago to the toilet. Not paying your mortgage is the biggest red flag there is on credit reports and nothing tanks you faster. Now that we have terrible credit I am more worried than ever about being able to find a rental house that will fit our needs while we work hard for two years to build the credit back up. We have extra bills to pay right now which have me worried as well. Our son had surgery outside of our coverage right before Christmas and will have another in the spring. I have no clue what our bills for these surgeries will be and how we are going to pay for them. It may be a very hard couple of years. I like my job, but will 30 hours per week at a low wage be enough? Do I need to look for something more to help with my part of fixing this? In the fall we will have two in college while another is getting married in the coming months--I am trying not to hyperventilate. To add to the bad credit and big bills--there are my two babies who I adore. I will not give up our rescued pit bulls. I know that they will make renting even more of a challenge. I realize that I am supposed to breathe deep and trust that all of this will work out. I just over think things to death and there is always fear in the unknown. In a perfect world we would be able to find a house that we love that we could lease with the option to buy. We would find a perfect landlord who loves dogs and also understands that it isn't the breed that is the problem. I need to be going through stuff and downsizing. I haven't had the energy to do it. I am overwhelmed at the concept. I give myself pep talks several times a day and try to trust in my decision. It is hard to trust a decision when your partner in life is skeptical and puts the pressure on you for it all to work out. I keep promising him that it will. I need to stand by that promise. I know that for my own sanity I need a change. I hope that a few years from now I am able to look at this as a major growth period in my life where I learned all types of lessons. Growing hurts though and some lessons are hard.
We will survive. I have to let it go, stop over thinking it all and just let whatever is meant to be happen. Easier said than done. It is funny how I am able to give awesome advice to others, but have to force myself to listen to that inner voice that says "just chill".
