Uncluttering My Brain.......

When I sit down to write I never know what is going to come out.  It  has been awhile since I blogged and when I do I feel the need to put a warning at the top.  My brain goes in several directions at once.  I could be going one direction and then go off on a tangent into another.   I have too much on my mind for one post but whatever needs to come out will find its way.  Since I need to get things out of my head I'm sure this one will have no rhyme or reason--just a bunch of stuff that is weighing me down.  Maybe when I finish I'll be able to think a bit clearer.

When I started blogging it was to clear my head as I muddle my way through this thing called life.  We all have our different coping mechanisms.  Writing has always been an escape for me, a way to get junk out of my head so that I can move forward when I'm stuck.   I was not surprised when I heard about blogging therapy a few years ago--this is a form of therapy I've used all of my life.  When I was younger I wrote poetry.  I am sorry to say that I made my friends and boyfriends read it--if Facebook would  have been around my page would have been filled with teen angst poetry that surely would have made me the victim of cyber bullies!

Blog therapy has helped me through bouts of depression and with anxiety.   It is hard for those who don't know me well to picture me having depression or anxiety issues but I can map them all the way back to my teens.  I spent most of my life trying to hide this side of me because I wanted to be normal.  I didn't think anyone would understand my dark moods or irrational fears.  In opening up about my struggles I have found that what I suffer from is very common and that my symptoms are pretty mild.   Of course when I'm in the middle of fighting off my inner demons it doesn't seem mild to me.  The part of blogging that I didn't really expect was that some people would actually read my blogs!  To me I was typing out my feelings and sending them to the universe.  I didn't think the universe would respond.   There are a few who have said that my words have helped them. If a post happens to help one person then that is awesome.  Helping others and encouraging those who are going through rough times are things I try to do in my daily life.  I want to be a light for others.  Being a light can be a challenge when I'm in a dark spot but meeting that challenge helps me to remember that most of life is good.

I haven't blogged in awhile because I've been in a funk and my self esteem is in the toilet.  I worry too much about what others think.  I hate that about myself.  I tell everyone not to let people dictate to them who they should be or how they should act.  How come I can't follow my own advice?  It was pointed out to me recently that my struggles with self worth have affected someone very close to me. That breaks my heart.  I have let my weight, lack of a career and lack of a college degree make me feel like a failure.  These things may matter to the world but they don't matter to those closest to me who know me, love me and believe in me.   My weight and IQ don't define me.   I let myself believe that they did and have formed a very bad habit of putting myself down.

I've waded through this funk since Christmas and have once again set out to reinvent myself.  Bad habits are hard to break.  I have been working to accept who I am at this moment in time.  I may be a total freak but at this point in my life who I am seems to change daily.   I have had some major transitions over the past few years and they have taken their toll.  Losing a parent, not being able to protect my children from heartache, losing a job that I loved and becoming an empty nester have been the biggest of dozens of events that have brought me to this place.  I miss my dad.  I miss the job that I had at CCS where I got to use my skills and felt confident in what I was doing.  When the company went bankrupt after I got back from my leave of absence I was devastated.  I have had a couple of jobs since then but until now I didn't have one that felt right.   My current job is a work in progress.  At the moment I'm not as confident as I'd like to be. Having my children all out in the big scary world has been and will continue to be rough.  I have to remind myself daily that they will be okay.  We all need to find our own way and as much as I want to hold their hands and ward off monsters I have to hold back.  Raising children through til the end of high school is filled with homework, sports, activities and juggling schedules.   When the youngest child graduates a chapter of your life is over.   Transitioning and reinventing come easier for some.  I'm trying to fake it til I  make it.  What I need to do now is to move forward looking ahead.  What is behind me has given me some valuable lessons and now I need to move along.

It is hard to put into words the things that  keep me awake at night.  I am filled constantly with guilt at not being a better daughter, niece, wife, mother, friend....  There is not enough time in the day to do all of the things that I want to do.  Instead of being grateful for the things I did accomplish I am haunted by the things that I didn't do.   I feel badly that I am not able to spend more time with my mom and aunt.  I wish that I could do more for my children.  I don't see my friends as much as I would like to see them.  All that I can do is try to find moments here and there to spend quality time with those I love.

There are different seasons in our lives and some years are busier than others.  My focus right now is on building a dream home with my husband.  We are now questioning whether we can afford it but have to trust that somehow it will all work out.  Going into this endeavor I envisioned the new home representing a new chapter.  Together we are building a place that we designed together with visions of family gatherings and BBQ's with friends.  What I didn't envision was all of the paperwork, contractors, set backs and headaches that go  along with buying and selling homes.   Today we are falling further behind on progress because the plumber cancelled and the house cannot move forward without having the plumbing in place.   They haven't been able to reschedule because all of the plumbers on their list are busy.   We don't know how long it will sit before they can work on it again. The house stuff is frustrating me right now but it is not what has me down.   I know that in a few months we will be moving and life is good.  We are blessed~this is something that we  have been planning for five years and it is becoming a reality.   I am grateful for this because six months ago I believed that it would be another year or two before we could make this happen.  

After all of the other stuff we are really coming to the heart of the matter.   I haven't blogged in 2016 because of fear.   I let a bully make me question whether I should be blogging.   I let someone who doesn't matter scare me into being quiet.   Several months ago I wrote a blog about Christmas music being played in September.  I started a new job and spent a few hours listening to Christmas music.  Not all of us get warm and fuzzy feelings when we hear Christmas music.   I was confronted about this blog and told that several lawyers had read it to make sure that it wasn't crossing any line. This really seemed like overkill to me.  I am a no name soccer mom who averages about 10 readers.  I also try hard to be overly politically correct at all times--even when I'm decluttering my brain.   I have to sensor things like everyone else.  Most of it is actually natural--I hate conflict and I hate offending people.  There was a time when avoiding conflict and being unoffensive were easier.  We used to live in a different world.   Today you offend people by just breathing.  Anything and everything you do, feel, think and say is scrutinized.   As you can imagine being called in to hear that six lawyers almost doubled the audience of my blog kind of freaked me out.  I send my stuff out to the universe in hopes that it will make someone smile, laugh or help them through a rough time.  There was nothing worthy of litigation in my writings and because they weren't my intended audience they didn't find it particularly witty or entertaining--there are critics everywhere.   I am making light of it but in all reality it changed my thoughts on blogging and Facebook posting.  It made me aware that all who are reading aren't friends.  Some people read what you write so that they can turn your own words against you and make them something they are not.   I am all about love and kindness.  My mind can't compete against those who have ulterior motives and who try to mess with people's minds.   My mind is messed up enough--it doesn't need extra messing.  

Since I am de-junking my brain I needed to get this part out so that I can move on.   I have let bullies manipulate me in the past.  My personality is such that I'm an easy target.  I am a people pleaser.  I think that might be hardwired into me~we are all wired in different ways.  As I get older I see that I need to protect myself more.  I need to step back from those who don't have my best interest in mind, I need to stand up for myself and not let myself be bullied into situations that make me uncomfortable.  There is a slight chance that my blog posts are still being monitored and scrutinized.  If this is the case I will leave a message.  I will never mention your name or your business in this or in any of my posts.  I am not and never have been a vindictive person.   Have a nice life, good luck in your business and try hard to be the person you advertise yourself to be.  Once my son asked me why his friend bragged so much to everyone about how much better of a soccer player he was.  It hurt my son's feelings because in his mind they were both good and he didn't understand why the friend had to brag to everyone about not only how good he was but how much better he was than my son.  I explained to him that if you really are good then you don't have to tell everyone about how good you are--people are smart and will be able to see it without being told.  If you feel  you need to tell people how good you are then you are trying to convince yourself.


As I said--unclogging my brain is a major undertaking that goes in all different directions.   There is a chance that no one will ever read any of this and that is fine by me.  I need to get out of this funk and move forward with life.  My goals are surviving the closing of both houses, moving, getting rid of at least half of the stuff in storage so that life is more streamlined, getting more confident in my current job, picking up another part-time job to help with the bills, make sure my friends and family don't forget I'm still kicking and to just live a simple life full of love and kindness.   Sappy--I know--but that is me and I have to confidently own who I am.