That song has been going through my head for a week now. We watched a movie last week that happened to use a snippet of the song in a scene. It wasn't even a major scene, but the damn song stuck. Now I have it rolling through my head. Of course it is more appropriate than last year when "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry was stuck there. What was even more inappropriate than the song being in my head was that my kids knew the song was in my head and they thought it was hilarious. It wasn't hilarious to me knowing that my kids knew that song and knew that I knew it.....
A word of warning before you go any further. This blog may have a little different feel than the others. I like to use humor to help me through things that are hard. There may be a little humor laced in this one, but probably not enough. It is a bit darker and a bit more than I would have felt comfortable sharing yesterday. The things that I wrote were to help me through a personal healing process. Some of you will think it is too much info and some of you may judge me. Keep your judgments to yourself, I have been judged enough in this lifetime for choices I made as a child. I am letting that child off the hook now. She was dealt a hand and did the best she could with the knowledge she had. She was scared and ashamed and I have been so hard on her. The inner child in all of us needs to be loved and nurtured. If that child had been anyone else but me, I would have been angry at those who hurt her and would have shown her love and kindness. I expected more out of myself and never let my inner child forget it. Today I am treating her the way she deserves to be treated. All of us have an inner child. It is a big part of who you are--be nice to that kid and show it a little love now and then.
I had the most amazing lunch date with a friend today. Okay, so she is someone who just became a friend. She is the wife of a high school classmate and someone I have always felt drawn to, but have never spent time with until today. It was one of those lunch dates where you are almost too busy talking to actually eat. Since we hadn't spent time alone together before I was worried there might be awkward silences if we didn't have anything in common. That was so not the case. We had so much in common that we talked for nearly three hours. If we didn't both have places to be, we could easily have been there another three.
I told her things that either no one knows or that I have only shared with a few people before. I opened up the closet and started throwing skeletons out left and right. She was so good about listening, throwing her own skeletons out there and making me know that it is time to deal with this stuff and be done with it. What came out today is that I am filled with guilt and shame over things that happened to me as a child. I can honestly tell you that I do not remember a time in my life that I didn't know about sex. I knew more than any preschooler should about the workings of the human body and what certain parts could be used for. I was given carnal knowledge and taught dark and dirty games by neighborhood teens. I have long since forgotten details, not that they would be important anyway. What is important is that the little girl I used to be grew up with a skewed image of her own sexuality and made some poor choices in life because of it. I put myself in some precarious situations, was seen as a complete and total slut by some and still fight with inner demons who tell me I will never be good enough.
Why do I need to blog about this. Well, it seems that my story isn't all that uncommon. Lots of children are abused on some level. The world is full of broken people who are so worried about the past and how they handled life back then that they let it distort their future. I am my biggest obstacle in becoming who I really want to be. I listen to that voice who tells me I am not good enough. The voice that says I am too heavy, I'm not educated enough, I can't learn new things, I am not worthy. The voice holds me back and I am ready to finally kick it to the curb. I think most everyone has a voice that tries to discourage them. It is an echo of a parent, a bully, a sibling or someone who decided to hurt us with words when we were younger. Those words play like a broken record in the back of our minds. They should have been swept out a long time ago. I didn't realize how much power those voices had over me until it came out today as we were talking. There was a recurring theme at lunch and I heard it very clearly today. I may have to go out an buy a shock collar to wear around while I am exorcising the voice. Every time I say something negative about myself I get shocked. My husband has been telling me for years to stop beating myself up. Why didn't I listen? I must not have been ready. I am ready now. I am ready to be the person I want to be. The person I am capable of being. I am smart, funny, helpful, kind and loyal. I want to shine light on the dark places, make people laugh, help others find their way and be that someone that you can talk to anyone about. In order for me to help others I have to start with myself. Writing these words down, publishing them and owning them give me strength.
Back to sex for a minute........sex is good when it is consensual. It should make you feel good whether it is for fun, for love or whatever the reason. You should engage in sex with someone you respect and who respects you in return. If it hurts, feels wrong, makes you feel guilty or ashamed, then you are with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Be safe and make good choices. Don't let anyone break you or make you feel less than you are. Okay, enough said. Back to lighthearted humor tomorrow.....
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