As usual, this may be random, disjointed and sound like it was written by someone with A.D.D.. It was--I am taking a few minutes to clear out the clutter in my head from this last week so that I can wake up tomorrow and be ready for what it brings.
I grew up as the middle child so being in the middle is pretty typical for me. I have spent my life as the peace keeper, the diplomat, the neutral party or whatever other term there is for the "middle man". Sometimes I choose to be in the middle but more often times than not I just find myself there. Being in the middle this past week was probably one of the hardest things that I have had to endure in my life so far.
My Aunt has three "coffee table" books on her beautiful coffee table. I couldn't really tell you what the bottom two are. I know the title of the one on top though. It is called "Women to be Reckoned With". She enjoys stories of strong women who helped tame the west. I jokingly, or maybe not so jokingly tell her that the book should be about her and her three sisters. If you have ever seen Steel Magnolias or any other movies with strong, opinionated Southern women, then you can picture my aunts. My dad is the oldest of 5. He has three younger sisters who adore him and therefore will fight tooth and nail to make sure that he is getting the attention and care that he needs.
As the adult daughter of stubborn parents it isn't easy reassuring everyone that things are under control. My parents are adults themselves and are able to make their own decisions. I have no legal right to overturn any of those decisions. We all have the freedom of choice though our choices may not be understood by all. In the end the choices we make are the one thing that we truly own and they have to be made because they are what is best for us personally whether it is the popular opinion or not.
My father entered the hospital last week with what we thought was complications from pneumonia. We quickly learned that it was more than likely cancer that was making him so sick. No one is ready for an out of the blue cancer announcement. My dad has always been healthy. Until now he had never spent one night in a hospital. Though he was a smoker for years he has spent the past several trying to exercise and stay healthy. His diminished size and sudden weakness was hard for all of us to take. The decision was made by the hospital in White Salmon to send him to The Dalles. Some people did not agree with that decision. They believed the best care was in Portland and if he were to go to Portland things would have gone more quickly as far as getting his biopsy and getting the answers. I respected the doctor in The Dalles and believe that she did things in my dad's best interest. She wanted him a bit more stable before doing the biopsy. When it was apparent that his overall health was not rapidly improving the decision was made. I believe that the cancer has been in his lungs for several months. Waiting a few days for the biopsy was hard on all of us, but in the long run it isn't going to make or break what is or isn't. They know there are cancerous tumors in my father's lungs. They know that my father is too weak for most treatments at this time. Maybe by this time tomorrow we will have the pathology report that tells us what stage he is in and how aggressive his cancer is. It doesn't do any good to wonder if the cigarettes caused the cancer, why it wasn't caught sooner or whether he would be better off anywhere else right now. He is where he wants to be for the most part. He actually wants to be home. I can't blame him. He has endured a lot of poking and prodding this week.
My brother sent me a link called Lung Cancer 101 this morning. It was highly informative and stated that most lung cancer is not detected right away. Once detected it is usually in stage 3 or 4. It quietly grows and takes over while you are either oblivious or thinking it is something much more minor. Two weeks ago I thought pneumonia was bad--now I wish we had that diagnosis again.
Being in the middle has left me bombarded with questions, opinions, frustrations, guilt, anger, sorrow and a list of possible outcomes. I have done my best to sort through things, answer the questions I can, give assurances that all is in control and secretly hope that I am advocating for what my father wants and not for anyone else's agenda. There are those who will say that he is too sick to know what he wants. I beg to differ. He is sick, he is weak, but he is also stubborn. When we get the answers tomorrow I will ask him what he wants. He will be given a voice and choices. I will make sure that he is heard and that he is comfortable, happy and safe.
Days in the hospital are long. The clock moves so slowly as we sit and wait for answers that we may not want to hear. I am trying to keep the faith. A few more years would be nice. Another beach trip, a jam session with friends, that long talked about trip to Texas to visit family or to Nashville for the music.....so many moments I hope to have. He just wants to be home with his wife and his dogs relaxing and living his simple life in familiar surroundings. I always wanted bigger things for my parents than they aspired for. Maybe they have had the right idea the whole time though. Peace, quiet, love and happiness, what more could anyone really want? The answer for now is time.........
Monday, March 24, 2014
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Well, it's Cancer.........
At the end of February they said my dad had pneumonia. At 80 years old and being somewhat frail this alarmed me. I was worried but they didn't want to hospitalize him. I couldn't understand this since every day you hear of older people dying of pneumonia. It doesn't take muck for them to get dehydrated and to decline rapidly. I needed to go visit, but couldn't. First there was the awful virus that I had which had me coughing and feeling like crap. He didn't need to be exposed to that. Then there was the super busy weekend at work that I needed to prepare for and work and the freak ice and snow storm in the gorge. All of these reasons why I couldn't drive the hour to my parents house to visit them and see how things were going. I took their word for it and worried from afar. Pneumonia isn't something to mess around with.
Sunday night I called. He sounded great for the first three quarters of our conversation. He was upbeat, sounded strong and was telling me how much better he was doing. Then the coughing started. It was a scary cough. It didn't sound like he was getting better. He dropped the phone. I yelled for him and for mom for a few minutes. I wanted to get their attention so they could pick up the phone and tell me everything was okay. They didn't pick up the phone but I could hear them talking and watching television in the background so I hung up. I tried to call back but of course the phone was off the hook and they weren't answering the cell phone. I told myself I worry too much. I could always call back Monday night and check in.
Monday morning started like all Monday mornings. A little frantic, busy at work, trying to prioritize the week and get ready for another busy weekend of events. My job as the scheduler is challenging at times with ever changing circumstances and the fine details involved. I was trying to figure out how to juggle everything to make it work when my cell phone rang. My brother was calling to tell me that dad was in the hospital and that he had lung cancer. How do things change so fast? He was home the night before getting over pneumonia. Pneumonia is curable. I just wanted him to go to the hospital, rest, get some IV fluids, find a strong enough antibiotic and be back to normal in a week or two. It is noon on Monday--how does he suddenly have cancer?
My heart breaks as I hear about him waking up in the middle of the night looking for people who weren't there and having conversations with the invisible ones who were. Hearing how he fell several times, refused to let mom call and ambulance and fell again in the yard as she talked him into going to the hospital in the car. She was in her pajamas, her phone was dead, she didn't have our numbers and didn't want to bother anyone anyway. She sat in the hospital alone and waiting. She was alone when the doctor walked in and said "well, it's cancer." Cancer wasn't on her radar. It wasn't on any one's radar. The doctor was so blunt. I know that maybe blunt is best, but a little warning would have been nice. Having support there with her would have been nice. How could I be oblivious at work? I know my brothers feel the same way. We were all hit hard by it yesterday. What happened to pneumonia? Apparently the x-rays of his lungs were hazy and they thought it was pneumonia. Further x-rays showed the truth. The proposed truth. I haven't seen them yet, I haven't talked to a doctor yet--I have so many questions.
Kyle made the trip down the gorge with me yesterday. We picked up my Aunt and headed to the hospital in The Dalles. My dad went from hallucinating to lucid and back again. He asked the nurse if there was an extra bed for me in his room. I told him I had to leave but would be back the next day. He told me not to waste the gas--he'd be home the next day. I told him fine--I would visit him at home. It was hard leaving him last night. I know I will be heading back that way in a few hours and plan to stay tonight. I am hoping for some answers. I need to know as much as possible so we can plan for the coming days, weeks, months and hopefully years. I am trying to be positive so I can squelch the dread in the pit of my stomach. His age and overall health are against us, but he is a fighter.
So many things go through your mind when you hear news that changes everything. My excuses for not visiting sounded stupid. I haven't gotten around to recording his music onto a CD--I have a cassette floating around somewhere lost. I need to have his music. I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have when I was young. There aren't enough pictures of me and him together. I want a picture of me and my dad when I was little. I know there must be several in the boxes and boxes of pictures, but there are too many and I don't have time to dig through pictures right now. I am just lost. I feel like a little girl. Helpless and scared-- I'm not ready to lose my daddy.
Sunday night I called. He sounded great for the first three quarters of our conversation. He was upbeat, sounded strong and was telling me how much better he was doing. Then the coughing started. It was a scary cough. It didn't sound like he was getting better. He dropped the phone. I yelled for him and for mom for a few minutes. I wanted to get their attention so they could pick up the phone and tell me everything was okay. They didn't pick up the phone but I could hear them talking and watching television in the background so I hung up. I tried to call back but of course the phone was off the hook and they weren't answering the cell phone. I told myself I worry too much. I could always call back Monday night and check in.
Monday morning started like all Monday mornings. A little frantic, busy at work, trying to prioritize the week and get ready for another busy weekend of events. My job as the scheduler is challenging at times with ever changing circumstances and the fine details involved. I was trying to figure out how to juggle everything to make it work when my cell phone rang. My brother was calling to tell me that dad was in the hospital and that he had lung cancer. How do things change so fast? He was home the night before getting over pneumonia. Pneumonia is curable. I just wanted him to go to the hospital, rest, get some IV fluids, find a strong enough antibiotic and be back to normal in a week or two. It is noon on Monday--how does he suddenly have cancer?
My heart breaks as I hear about him waking up in the middle of the night looking for people who weren't there and having conversations with the invisible ones who were. Hearing how he fell several times, refused to let mom call and ambulance and fell again in the yard as she talked him into going to the hospital in the car. She was in her pajamas, her phone was dead, she didn't have our numbers and didn't want to bother anyone anyway. She sat in the hospital alone and waiting. She was alone when the doctor walked in and said "well, it's cancer." Cancer wasn't on her radar. It wasn't on any one's radar. The doctor was so blunt. I know that maybe blunt is best, but a little warning would have been nice. Having support there with her would have been nice. How could I be oblivious at work? I know my brothers feel the same way. We were all hit hard by it yesterday. What happened to pneumonia? Apparently the x-rays of his lungs were hazy and they thought it was pneumonia. Further x-rays showed the truth. The proposed truth. I haven't seen them yet, I haven't talked to a doctor yet--I have so many questions.
Kyle made the trip down the gorge with me yesterday. We picked up my Aunt and headed to the hospital in The Dalles. My dad went from hallucinating to lucid and back again. He asked the nurse if there was an extra bed for me in his room. I told him I had to leave but would be back the next day. He told me not to waste the gas--he'd be home the next day. I told him fine--I would visit him at home. It was hard leaving him last night. I know I will be heading back that way in a few hours and plan to stay tonight. I am hoping for some answers. I need to know as much as possible so we can plan for the coming days, weeks, months and hopefully years. I am trying to be positive so I can squelch the dread in the pit of my stomach. His age and overall health are against us, but he is a fighter.
So many things go through your mind when you hear news that changes everything. My excuses for not visiting sounded stupid. I haven't gotten around to recording his music onto a CD--I have a cassette floating around somewhere lost. I need to have his music. I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have when I was young. There aren't enough pictures of me and him together. I want a picture of me and my dad when I was little. I know there must be several in the boxes and boxes of pictures, but there are too many and I don't have time to dig through pictures right now. I am just lost. I feel like a little girl. Helpless and scared-- I'm not ready to lose my daddy.
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