At the end of February they said my dad had pneumonia. At 80 years old and being somewhat frail this alarmed me. I was worried but they didn't want to hospitalize him. I couldn't understand this since every day you hear of older people dying of pneumonia. It doesn't take muck for them to get dehydrated and to decline rapidly. I needed to go visit, but couldn't. First there was the awful virus that I had which had me coughing and feeling like crap. He didn't need to be exposed to that. Then there was the super busy weekend at work that I needed to prepare for and work and the freak ice and snow storm in the gorge. All of these reasons why I couldn't drive the hour to my parents house to visit them and see how things were going. I took their word for it and worried from afar. Pneumonia isn't something to mess around with.
Sunday night I called. He sounded great for the first three quarters of our conversation. He was upbeat, sounded strong and was telling me how much better he was doing. Then the coughing started. It was a scary cough. It didn't sound like he was getting better. He dropped the phone. I yelled for him and for mom for a few minutes. I wanted to get their attention so they could pick up the phone and tell me everything was okay. They didn't pick up the phone but I could hear them talking and watching television in the background so I hung up. I tried to call back but of course the phone was off the hook and they weren't answering the cell phone. I told myself I worry too much. I could always call back Monday night and check in.
Monday morning started like all Monday mornings. A little frantic, busy at work, trying to prioritize the week and get ready for another busy weekend of events. My job as the scheduler is challenging at times with ever changing circumstances and the fine details involved. I was trying to figure out how to juggle everything to make it work when my cell phone rang. My brother was calling to tell me that dad was in the hospital and that he had lung cancer. How do things change so fast? He was home the night before getting over pneumonia. Pneumonia is curable. I just wanted him to go to the hospital, rest, get some IV fluids, find a strong enough antibiotic and be back to normal in a week or two. It is noon on Monday--how does he suddenly have cancer?
My heart breaks as I hear about him waking up in the middle of the night looking for people who weren't there and having conversations with the invisible ones who were. Hearing how he fell several times, refused to let mom call and ambulance and fell again in the yard as she talked him into going to the hospital in the car. She was in her pajamas, her phone was dead, she didn't have our numbers and didn't want to bother anyone anyway. She sat in the hospital alone and waiting. She was alone when the doctor walked in and said "well, it's cancer." Cancer wasn't on her radar. It wasn't on any one's radar. The doctor was so blunt. I know that maybe blunt is best, but a little warning would have been nice. Having support there with her would have been nice. How could I be oblivious at work? I know my brothers feel the same way. We were all hit hard by it yesterday. What happened to pneumonia? Apparently the x-rays of his lungs were hazy and they thought it was pneumonia. Further x-rays showed the truth. The proposed truth. I haven't seen them yet, I haven't talked to a doctor yet--I have so many questions.
Kyle made the trip down the gorge with me yesterday. We picked up my Aunt and headed to the hospital in The Dalles. My dad went from hallucinating to lucid and back again. He asked the nurse if there was an extra bed for me in his room. I told him I had to leave but would be back the next day. He told me not to waste the gas--he'd be home the next day. I told him fine--I would visit him at home. It was hard leaving him last night. I know I will be heading back that way in a few hours and plan to stay tonight. I am hoping for some answers. I need to know as much as possible so we can plan for the coming days, weeks, months and hopefully years. I am trying to be positive so I can squelch the dread in the pit of my stomach. His age and overall health are against us, but he is a fighter.
So many things go through your mind when you hear news that changes everything. My excuses for not visiting sounded stupid. I haven't gotten around to recording his music onto a CD--I have a cassette floating around somewhere lost. I need to have his music. I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have when I was young. There aren't enough pictures of me and him together. I want a picture of me and my dad when I was little. I know there must be several in the boxes and boxes of pictures, but there are too many and I don't have time to dig through pictures right now. I am just lost. I feel like a little girl. Helpless and scared-- I'm not ready to lose my daddy.
Oh Lana, how my heart aches for you right now. I can so understand your feelings that you are going through. Although I lost my dad when I was only 11, I relate to every word you wrote. My dad too, was told he had pneumonia, for 6 months straight by the family doctor. Matter of fact, we ALL had it back then, the Hong Kong Flu went around and it was terrible; like the H1N1 that went around this year. We all seemed to get better but my dad. He finally checked into a hospital and found out his left lung was gone and it had moved to his right. How could this be??? But being young I knew no different, except that my daddy was sick...real sick.
ReplyDeleteI know you wish you could have been with your mom the day she was told... but you cannot change that. You can, however, be there for her now, along with your siblings as she will need you all... if only to be silent with, talk with or vent with. There will be many emotions forthcoming in this journey ahead of you. We never want to lose our parents, or any other member of our family, but there comes a time that we have to realize, do we want them suffering or be free of pain. Cancer sucks... big time, and I can say that with emotion and without. It has taken 3 members of my immediate family, brother, dad and mom. My sister is a cancer survivor of having 1/4th of her lung removed; and fighting stage 4 COPD as well.... I had cervical cancer 30 years ago....talk about a WORD or a DISEASE you would like to fall off the face of the earth...But with each person who was hit with it, I have learned to accept and move forward, but never forget.
Your dad sounds like a great man... and a fighter as you said. I am sure he will give it all he has. Right now, you and your siblings should sit with the doctors, ask all your questions, and be as helpful to your mom and each other as you can. Maybe surgery lies ahead for him...maybe not. But whatever treatment he is offered, I am sure he will accept it hands down, and continue to be the fighter that you know he is.
Continue to move forward and make the CD of music you put on the back shelf, hunt for those pictures of you and your dad when you were little, and fond memories; never stop talking about them. Write them down....that is your calling, so they will never be lost and they can be shared down the family line. Think of all the wonderful things your dad has done thus far in life, and be there to support him and your mom for the times ahead. It is never too late to make new memories, take new photos, or hear new songs......sending you love and hugs and here for you if you want to talk! <3 ~ Jan