As usual, this may be random, disjointed and sound like it was written by someone with A.D.D.. It was--I am taking a few minutes to clear out the clutter in my head from this last week so that I can wake up tomorrow and be ready for what it brings.
I grew up as the middle child so being in the middle is pretty typical for me. I have spent my life as the peace keeper, the diplomat, the neutral party or whatever other term there is for the "middle man". Sometimes I choose to be in the middle but more often times than not I just find myself there. Being in the middle this past week was probably one of the hardest things that I have had to endure in my life so far.
My Aunt has three "coffee table" books on her beautiful coffee table. I couldn't really tell you what the bottom two are. I know the title of the one on top though. It is called "Women to be Reckoned With". She enjoys stories of strong women who helped tame the west. I jokingly, or maybe not so jokingly tell her that the book should be about her and her three sisters. If you have ever seen Steel Magnolias or any other movies with strong, opinionated Southern women, then you can picture my aunts. My dad is the oldest of 5. He has three younger sisters who adore him and therefore will fight tooth and nail to make sure that he is getting the attention and care that he needs.
As the adult daughter of stubborn parents it isn't easy reassuring everyone that things are under control. My parents are adults themselves and are able to make their own decisions. I have no legal right to overturn any of those decisions. We all have the freedom of choice though our choices may not be understood by all. In the end the choices we make are the one thing that we truly own and they have to be made because they are what is best for us personally whether it is the popular opinion or not.
My father entered the hospital last week with what we thought was complications from pneumonia. We quickly learned that it was more than likely cancer that was making him so sick. No one is ready for an out of the blue cancer announcement. My dad has always been healthy. Until now he had never spent one night in a hospital. Though he was a smoker for years he has spent the past several trying to exercise and stay healthy. His diminished size and sudden weakness was hard for all of us to take. The decision was made by the hospital in White Salmon to send him to The Dalles. Some people did not agree with that decision. They believed the best care was in Portland and if he were to go to Portland things would have gone more quickly as far as getting his biopsy and getting the answers. I respected the doctor in The Dalles and believe that she did things in my dad's best interest. She wanted him a bit more stable before doing the biopsy. When it was apparent that his overall health was not rapidly improving the decision was made. I believe that the cancer has been in his lungs for several months. Waiting a few days for the biopsy was hard on all of us, but in the long run it isn't going to make or break what is or isn't. They know there are cancerous tumors in my father's lungs. They know that my father is too weak for most treatments at this time. Maybe by this time tomorrow we will have the pathology report that tells us what stage he is in and how aggressive his cancer is. It doesn't do any good to wonder if the cigarettes caused the cancer, why it wasn't caught sooner or whether he would be better off anywhere else right now. He is where he wants to be for the most part. He actually wants to be home. I can't blame him. He has endured a lot of poking and prodding this week.
My brother sent me a link called Lung Cancer 101 this morning. It was highly informative and stated that most lung cancer is not detected right away. Once detected it is usually in stage 3 or 4. It quietly grows and takes over while you are either oblivious or thinking it is something much more minor. Two weeks ago I thought pneumonia was bad--now I wish we had that diagnosis again.
Being in the middle has left me bombarded with questions, opinions, frustrations, guilt, anger, sorrow and a list of possible outcomes. I have done my best to sort through things, answer the questions I can, give assurances that all is in control and secretly hope that I am advocating for what my father wants and not for anyone else's agenda. There are those who will say that he is too sick to know what he wants. I beg to differ. He is sick, he is weak, but he is also stubborn. When we get the answers tomorrow I will ask him what he wants. He will be given a voice and choices. I will make sure that he is heard and that he is comfortable, happy and safe.
Days in the hospital are long. The clock moves so slowly as we sit and wait for answers that we may not want to hear. I am trying to keep the faith. A few more years would be nice. Another beach trip, a jam session with friends, that long talked about trip to Texas to visit family or to Nashville for the music.....so many moments I hope to have. He just wants to be home with his wife and his dogs relaxing and living his simple life in familiar surroundings. I always wanted bigger things for my parents than they aspired for. Maybe they have had the right idea the whole time though. Peace, quiet, love and happiness, what more could anyone really want? The answer for now is time.........
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