Once, long ago, I was actually described by someone as passionate. That seems so foreign to me now. In a world full of mortgages, college tuition, car payments and a ton of other bills I find myself mired in the drudgery of penny pinching and worrying that I will drop one of the many balls that I am juggling. I wish that I could say that I was an expert at one thing, but the truth is that I am average at best when it comes to most everything I do. I'm not trying to sell myself short, I am trying to see myself clearly so that I can move forward in life. It is said that if you find the one thing in life that you are passionate about and pursue it, you can make it into your career. I am 48 and have never actually had a career. I have worked many jobs~some I have loved and some were just to get me by. The ones that I have truly loved have disappeared by either the company being sold or by grant money running out. It was always my intention to find a job that I loved and keep it forever. That hasn't worked for me. My current job is one of those instances. I love it. It utilizes my unique skill set and keeps me engaged. I swear I have A.D.D. so keeping me engaged is important. I don't like to be bored at work. Anyone who has ever been bored at work will tell you that it makes the days drag by. The company is going to be sold. I completely understand. My boss has been doing this for fifteen years and it has become more trouble than it is worth to her. She is ready to make a big change and focus more on family. It is bittersweet for me because even though I am thrilled that she will be starting a new chapter in her life, it means that I will be back to trying to find the right fit. That is why my brain is trying to fathom just what it is that I am passionate about. I guess you could say that I am passionate about my family, my dog (sadly only one of the three if I'm honest), my friends, good books, hard cider and chocolate. Writing should be in there but I have been going through a very dry spell lately and it needs to find its way back onto the list. Writing is one thing that I do well when I take the time to actually do it. Juggling bills and schedules sometimes exhausts me to the point that there is no energy left to write.
I always pictured myself with a cozy little bookstore where people could come to chat, browse and hopefully buy once in awhile. There would be classes and meetings and people would be welcome to drink a cup of coffee and read a good book on their lunch hours. Small independent books stores are becoming extinct though. In order to pay those bills and keep the family afloat I have to actually bring home a paycheck. My small bookstore would have to have some other angle to it that would bring in money because the books themselves can be bought easily from the comfort of your own home on Amazon. There is also the fact that I am a creative person and therefore lack a few essential qualities of running a successful business. I would need a strong partner who isn't as warm, welcoming and accommodating as me. Someone who understands money and how to make it. I know how to spend it--frugally of course.
While this pipe dream winds its way through my brain, it doesn't really help with the question of what is next for me. I have several months before I need to make any decisions. I believe my job is secure until the end of the year. That could change. Maybe someone will come along, buy the company and decide that our awesome team of employees is worth keeping . We are a great team which makes it even harder. I love what I do and who I work with.
Several friends are at a crossroads in their lives as well. It is too bad that we can't come up with a business plan that would work for all of us. While most people are counting sheep I am categorizing possible career choices. If only I were younger. Casting director, funeral director, personal assistant, event coordinator, book buyer............heavy sigh. My goal this year is to find my passion, it can't be gone, just misplaced. I'm sure it is under a couch cushion, in the back of my closet or in a box in the attic. The answers will come, the right opportunity will present itself and all will be harmonious again. I need to remember to stay positive. In the meantime I'll keep daydreaming and wondering if anyone besides me would frequent a cider bar that sells books and chocolate?
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