I have sat in front of the computer several times over the past months. Blog ideas come and go, I start writing then lose my train of thought. I know it is the grieving process, I know that the holidays are making it worse~I just don't always have a lot of patience with myself. It is frustrating knowing what you need to do and not being able to muster the energy to actually do it. I feel like I'm waiting for something, God knows what. Life is happening around me here and now.
Here and now it seems the holidays are upon us. I struggle with them each year and seeing Christmas displays earlier and earlier doesn't help. I'm not sure what it is about Christmas that fills me with dread. I loved it as a child. I loved it when my children were little. I'm not sure when I stopped decorating. I know that I used to. Sometimes I would bake even. For those of you who know my aversion to the kitchen and all things related to cooking picturing me baking may be a stretch. It's true though. I would make sugar cookies to decorate and even attempted "No Fail Fudge". Yes--I failed but the messy goop tasted really good.
I believe it was commercialism and high expectations that made me lose my way. As the bills got higher and the Christmas list grew longer I stressed on how I was supposed to afford the holiday. There were homeless people and those struggling to even eat on a normal day and here I was worried because I couldn't afford big presents and prime rib. I lost the true meaning and I'm know I'm not alone in that. I think a lot of people have lost the meaning. Those who start filling the store shelves in August, the stores who now open up on Thanksgiving to get a jump start on sales, the lists of popular items that are going to be hard to find--they all feed the desperation of making the holidays some picture post card that should look the same for each and every red blooded American. Let's buy more high tech gadgets for our children so they can open them up in a frenzy on Christmas morning then retreat back to their rooms to live in their virtual worlds. Two of my children recently complained about how hard it is making new friends as young adults. It is hard. They do everything instantly on line so making friends with actual flesh and blood people is hard. You have to take time to grow and nurture friendships. Who has time for that?
For several years we have had a house full of people on Christmas Eve. Each year we brought gifts for the gift exchange. It was one of those deals where everyone brings a gift, you take turns choosing and can steal something from someone else when your turn comes along. It was fun for a few years--though there were a few people who griped about what they got. They felt that they brought something much better than what they ended up with. Hearing this took the fun out of it for me. I found that most of us bought gift cards and ended up trying to steal back our own gift. What is the point in that?
Last year we traveled to Idaho to see our granddaughter for Christmas. We had to cancel Christmas Eve at our house since we wouldn't be home. Instead we were with a small group of people in a big house in the woods. Snow was on the ground. In my step-son's family they have a tradition of making homemade pizzas on Christmas Eve. They make it a tradition to try to come up with the best pizza. We baked, we played board games and actually interacted with one another. There was no big gift exchange, just small gifts. It was one of our Christmas' in a long time. It made me want something more for future holidays. Old fashioned family fun and small, simple gifts. I want to create new traditions for our family, traditions that will fit our lives and make us happy. Maybe we'll make sushi, maybe we'll watch old movies--I don't know what they will be. Our family will work together to create something new. We'll have our own personal picture post card just like other families should have their own. Maybe we will include some friends who are on their own or rent a cabin on the mountain.
This year will be a hard one for me and my family. It will be the first holiday season without my dad. This explains why I want to hibernate right now. Why I want to crawl into books and live in them for hours at a time. Why I have cancelled a few plans with friends. I am grieving this year--but I also have hope. I sent out a note to the extended family. I told them that I would host Christmas Eve again this year but if I did there would be changes. We would draw names and buy small gifts that we know the other person will like. Those receiving the gifts should feel blessed by them. They are opening something that was bought with them in mind from someone who cares. I told them the kids would be decorating cookies and maybe even making ornaments. I told them that I wouldn't be at all offended if they decided not to come. I suggested that they concentrate on coming up with new traditions for their own families. Change is hard, but it can be rewarding as well.
Tis' the season of "Black Friday" riots, rude drivers, overflowing parking lots, long lines and desperate attempts to find hard to get items. It doesn't have to be that way for all of us though. It is also the season of hope, love, good cheer, cheesy movies and family--whoever you choose your family to be. You don't have to spend miserable holidays wishing for spring. Change your attitude, make your own rules and learn to make it what it was meant to be. A time for giving to others and being thankful for what we have. I know dad would have approved.
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