Dear Jordy.........

Dear Jordy,
Twenty three months ago you changed our lives.  Most people don't realize that one action can change everything.  In Chaos Theory it is called the Butterfly Effect.  In your case it was a larger action, but an action all the same.  In January of 2013 there was a soccer tournament in Beaverton.  It should have been a very routine first tournament of the season.  My son Kyle was set to start for the A team under a new coach.  He was excited and I was nervous.  I don't usually get nervous but that day I was.  I stayed back in the truck to pray for both teams because I felt strongly that something was going to happen.  You are a very aggressive player.  This can be good at times, but frustration and aggression can be a dangerous combination.  You were frustrated in the first half and I told those around me that if the ref didn't start controlling the game  you were going to hurt someone.  In the second half Kyle was playing very well.  So well that the coach did not pull him as he planned.  He was going to give him a rest but decided that a few more minutes wouldn't hurt since he was having such a great game.  I only looked away for a minute.  I greeted a friend.  When I turned back a player was down on the field.  I didn't see the hit when it happened.  I saw it later on video.  A late hit, a hard hit with no whistle from the ref.  It took me a second to realize that it was my son down.  Usually when he is hurt he doesn't like to have attention on him.  He will get back up then signal the coach that he needs a sub.  He didn't get up that day.  He couldn't get up.   He heard four distinct pops as he went down. He had to pretty much be carried to the truck. This is a nightmare for a soccer player.  Especially one that worked hard year round because he wanted to be the best he could be.  He didn't expect a big scholarship, but he had hoped for a small one to a small school so that he could continue playing the game he loves.  Those dreams didn't die that day.  On that day there was still hope.

The next time we played your team you went out of your way to make fun of him.  You and your friends pretended to kick one another and held your knees saying "oh my ACL, my ACL".  This is what has made me angry.  The hit was part of soccer.  It happens.  Refs let games go, players get hurt--it happens every day.  The cruelty and disrespect were what stayed with me.  The thought that  you could leave another player with deep scars that he will carry forever and not even apologize or wish him well in his recovery.  Did you ever give any thought to your actions?

Luckily Kyle is an amazing person with a big heart and a genuine love for the game.  He couldn't get back on the field but he did attend practices and games with his teams, cheered them on and gave support.  He first hoped to be back on the field his Junior year.  He was recovering well when a wrong move tore his graft.  He was bummed and blamed himself.  The next surgery was done to get him back for his senior year.  It had to be done in two stages which meant two surgeries and twice as much pain.  He did everything right, worked hard and believed there was still a chance to play.  He did get to play three games.  He could only play partial games because they wanted him to come back slowly.  He looked good, he felt good--in the fourth game it tore again.  He knew his senior year was not lost as well as any hope for a small scholarship.  We took him to a new surgeon to find out why the grafts weren't taking.  He was hit harder in the initial injury than anyone had guessed.  The MCL was damaged which meant that any ACL that was attached would fail because it wasn't getting the support it needed.  He went through three surgeries and lost two hamstrings before this diagnosis was made.  Yesterday he went in for the fourth time.  They could not do it all in one surgery which means a fifth surgery will happen in 2015.  You have probably forgotten all about that fast kid that you took out in 2013, but he hasn't forgotten you.  He has pretty much forgiven you because he has a big heart.  He just wishes that you would have told him you were sorry.  Now his ordeal will continue.  It will be almost two and half years from the injury when he goes in for his final surgery.  It will take another two years to heal.  The next surgery is more invasive than any of the prior surgeries and much more painful.

He has changed direction.  He will study physical therapy and sports medicine.  He will help players with sports injuries.  Maybe he will be able to get many of them back on the field where he wants to be. He will coach someday as well and will be an excellent coach.  He will not only teach the game but teach sportsmanship and compassion also.  Soccer isn't just about winning and losing.  It is a game that is supposed to teach you life skills.  You may not have had the right coach for those qualities.  For that I am sorry.  Kyle has had awesome coaches who were great role models.

Today I am going to let go completely of anything that I have held onto.  Any animosity that I have felt towards you, the ref, your coach and the powers that be that came together that day.  His coach needs to let go of his guilt for not pulling him out sooner.  I need to let go of my guilt for not knowing that my sense of dread was aimed directly at my son.  What could we have done differently?  The outcome is what it is.  We have learned and we have grown.  I pray that  you will learn and grow as well.  I hope that as you graduate this year and go out into the world that you will learn other ways to vent your anger and frustrations.  I pray that you will learn to be caring and compassionate.  I want good things for you in the future just as I want good things for everyone.  Your actions broke my heart but I underestimated my son's strength and determination.  He is a fighter and will make it through all of this a stronger person with his own scars to show future patients~he's been there, he can relate.   He lost a dream, but realized that there are other dreams.  Life isn't always fair, but there are always new possibilities.

Hooked on a Feeling

I believe that I have mentioned in a post or two before that I have Monkey Brain.  That is what my mediation teacher told me.  My brain is busy constantly which can be exhausting.  That is why I need to meditate more, but that's another story.   My monkey brain keeps me awake some nights.  It is hard to sleep when you are juggling so many different thoughts.  Last night I was plagued by a song that wouldn't stop playing in my head.  Does that happen to everyone.  A song will just start playing and won't shut the hell up.

Sometimes  my memory fails me.   I can remember phone numbers of at least three of my childhood friends and maybe even my grandparents.  I can remember the names of grade school teachers, kids who only lived in the area shortly, the lyrics of thousands of songs, but I can't remember the cell phone numbers of my own children.  I lose words sometimes.  I will be talking and it will be a normal every day word that stops me in my tracks.  Something like coincidence or compare.  I have to stop in the middle of a sentence and actually think.

Somewhere in my brain there is a store room filled with song lyrics.  Something will start playing on the radio and I can sing along.  Ask me to sing it without the music and I may only know a word or two.   Sometimes, like last night a song that I haven't heard for years will high jack my brain for no apparent reason.   I was able to do at least one verse of that song.  You must remember it--Blue Suede--1974.  Ooga Chaka, Ooga Chaka, Ooga-Ooga-Ooga Chaka.  I I I I I'm Hooked on a Feeling (bomp bod da ba) High on Believing (bomp bod da ba) that I'm in love with you........  I picture myself in Pam and Shelly Kerber's basement singing along at the top of my voice.  Nine years old and independent as Hell.  I really thought I could sing too.  I didn't know what "tone deaf" meant!  As soon as I typed in "Pam and Shelly Kerber's basement" more songs came into my head--The Locomotion, One Tin Soldier and another song sitting on the periphery of my memory teasing me with the words motion and ocean.  Of course I am Googling like mad--hoping to find it before it drives me crazy.   "Girl I'd like to know where you got the motion, girl I'd like to know where you got the motion--rock the boat, don't rock the boat baby, rock the boat, don't tip the boat over, rock the boat, don't rock the boat baby".  Okay--Google found it.  My nine year old self did not know the word notion.  It is "So I'd like to know where you got the notion".  No motion, no girl, just rocking the boat like a ship on the ocean.   I don't even remember a band called the Hues Corporation.   It seems this is another 1974 song under that lovely genre of disco.

My husband and I have a different take on music because he is interested in the music portion which is important, but I am all about the lyrics.  There are a few songs that I admit are very catchy and get in my head even though the lyrics are not at all what I would want them to be.  The one that cracks  my daughter up is Buck Cherry's "Crazy Bitch".  If you don't know it, Google the lyrics.  Just remember that it is very graphic and if you dislike cursing it isn't a good idea for you to go there.  It is very inappropriate, but it has a great beat and gets stuck in my head.  It sometimes lodges itself in my head at the most inopportune times.  It isn't a song you want anyone to hear you singing.

For whatever reason there are songs out there that repel me.  I hear them and want to immediately change the station.  I cannot stand "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga.  Why?  No clue--maybe it got stuck in there one night and my subconscious mind decided that it had enough and vetoed it for life.  Anyone with children of a certain age may cringe if they hear the Barney Song.   This year there is a Shutterfly commercial that has driven me insane.  It is the one where they sing "I'm gonna mail myself to you.".  I may have found it a little cute the first time that I heard it.  By the fifth time I was over it.  Now that it has played over and over since  before Thanksgiving I want to shoot the TV whenever it comes on.  Antone is the master of the remote, so he of course either turns it up or starts singing along to it.  Would it be assault if I threw my shoes at him?  Earlier this week the damn song wouldn't let me sleep.  I decided to re-write it.  I came up with two viable options.  Instead of "Mail Myself to You" I took the liberty of changing it to "Sell Myself to You".  

Version 1:
I'm gonna paint my face with makeup
I'm gonna show my stamp tramp tattoo
I'm gonna put on a short skirt and high heeled shoes
Then I'm gonna sell myself to you

Version 2:
I'm gonna shoot some crystal meth
smoke a joint and and drink a brew
I'm gonna do a line of cocaine
Then I'm gonna sell myself to you

Of course I have no idea what people do with Crystal Meth so not sure if they shoot it but for the sake of the song I decided it was valid.  I could Google that, but what if my kids look at my Internet history and see me Googling Crystal Meth use.  They may think that I'm getting ready to start a new fad diet.  Doubtful, but you never know.  As a curious writer I google a lot of weird stuff.  Thank God for Google.  If it wasn't for Google I may be singing the word douche in Blinded by the Light or about motion instead of notion in rock the boat.  Google is also the great tool that taught me to correctly spell Ooga Chaka from Hooked on a Feeling which started this whole tirade.   I may have typed Ugga Chugga!

Protesting Violence with Violence

As I sit on the sidelines and watch the visions of angry rioters looting and burning businesses I have to ask myself what it' all about.  I mistakenly thought that we had come much further and had learned lessons from the race riots in the 60's or the Rodney King beating in the early 90's.  The differing reports on what happened in Ferguson, Missouri on August 9th are confusing--it is hard to say what actually happened and who to believe.  It is amazing to me how the press sways  public opinion depending on how they want to spin the story.  They want to sell papers, so sensationalizing any story is a win-win situation for them.  They may incite violence with their words, but violence breeds more stories for them to cover.  The killing of Michael Brown was the result of several decisions made by both Brown and Wilson.  Somehow their actions at that particular moment in time brought a less than ideal outcome out of what seems to be a very bad situation.   Was extreme force warranted?  I don't know, I wasn't there.  I don't put my life on the line every day.  I can't say what was going on in the minds of either of them.  I  know that officers are trained to shoot to kill.  There are times when it is necessary.  I'm not sure that this is one of those times.  I often wonder why suspects can't be shot in the leg or better yet shot with pepper spray.  I can honestly say that I don't believe that race had anything to do with it.  I also believe the ensuing  riots have anything to do with Michael Brown anymore, at least not the majority of them.  I have seen coverage of peaceful protests who actually are thinking of the family and wanting justice.  But most have other agendas in mind.

In trying to give our children a better life have we raised a generation of young adults who believe they are entitled to certain things?  What happened to respect for others?  I know there are some bad officers out there, but the majority of them are awesome people who put their lives on the line daily to keep us safe.  Officers are killed daily.  There are those who target police officers including hate groups who like to feed the fire when an incident like Ferguson happens.

Prejudice goes many ways.  When we hear it we think of whites being prejudiced against blacks.  There are just as many blacks who are prejudiced against whites.  We have people who are prejudiced against the police, against immigrants, against women.  It is a cycle of mistrust and hate that needs to be broken.  There are peaceful ways to go about creating change.  Using violence to protest against violence is counter productive.  I believe many of the protesters are anarchists who just want to add fuel to the fire and cause major disturbances.  The looting of stores and burning of businesses in their own community is ludicrous.

I realize that people are disillusioned with the justice system; that politicians have become puppets to big corporations and that America has lost its identity. Change is needed, but the rioting across the country right now isn't solving anything.  It is taking the focus away from the major issues and leaving us to clean up messes made by angry masses caught up in the mob mentality.

I'm not political enough.  I try to just live and let live.  I am disturbed by what I am seeing though.  Change starts from within.  We need to think before we speak, try to see things from all angles and remember that the media is not always accurate.  We may never know the facts.