I have been neglectful of my blog for awhile now. I am working hard to let go of the negatives in my life and concentrate on the power of positive thinking. There are times when no matter how hard we try, we can't seem to find our way. I have been seemingly stuck for awhile now. I haven't wanted to rehash my ongoing battles and bore everyone. I suppose that writing about struggles does help those who are also struggling. Some issues take a little longer to overcome than others. In this society of instant gratification, what may seem like a drawn out struggle may simply be a season of slow change. I need to rewire my thinking in order to see the positives of my daily battles which are mainly waged against myself.
It is said that patience is a virtue~I believe that flexibility is as well. It is so easy to envision the perfect path for yourself; but not so easy when you keep slipping off the trail and falling on your butt. Our vision of that perfect path and reality are sometimes two very different things. Though I believe in free will, I also believe in fate. There are greater things on the horizon than we can imagine for ourselves. What is best for me is most likely something that I haven't even conceived yet. I believe I'm stuck--maybe I'm not. Being stuck may just be my perception of life right now~I may actually be right where I'm supposed to be. I have lessons to learn and people whose lives I'm impacting where I'm at. My impatience to move forward may be hindering me from the important stuff I'm supposed to be doing in the here and now. I have myself overwhelmed and frustrated over my inability to move in the direction that I feel is right~ "I" being the key word. "I" need to trust a higher power for what is right for me. I keep imploring the powers that be to make sure that when change is finally going to happen they give me the most obvious sign possible so I don't miss it. I feel that I have misinterpreted signs already and in doing so have put myself in a worse situation than I was already in. In reality is was probably to teach me a lesson. This is a year full of transition for me and my family so I shouldn't be completely surprised that I'm struggling to maintain control as I let go of things that no longer work in my life and move towards another chapter.
Not too long ago I wrote a blog about our struggles with the mortgage and our decision to do a "short sale". I felt that this was the path we were supposed to take. I worked with a trusted friend who specializes in short sales. She advised me to stop paying the first mortgage so that it would push along the process. I know many of you who haven't been in this situation before are probably cringing and wondering how I could have followed this advice. My friends who have done short sales have gone through this process and it worked for them. For us, things changed that made me question whether I'm capable of making wise decisions at all. After five months of not making our mortgage payment we were struggling with finding a place that we could move to when the time came. My husband was fighting with the idea of renting for two years and the places that we could conceivably rent were not available to us because of our dogs. I began to panic. I was trying to have faith that all would work out, but it is hard to have faith when you have a husband who refuses to budge on certain details and you can't find anyone in the mortgage industry or housing market who thinks outside of the box. Our second mortgage holder came forward and advised us that we could go ahead and sell the house in the conventional manner because they would work with us so that we wouldn't have to report it as a short sale. This would have been great news to have BEFORE I stopped paying mortgage for five months. Now I have decent credit but no one who will talk to me about mortgages because we now have late payments on our mortgage and no one wants to touch anyone with current late payments. I need to wait a year and then reapply. Waiting a year means twelve more months of high double mortgage payments. We have managed the giant payments this long--we can manage another twelve months--I just don't want to. I want to move now. I had the five months worth of mortgage payments sitting in a bank account so when we decided to stop the short sale process I was able to get the first mortgage company current right away. The damage has been done though. We are now just a bunch of numbers on paper that come up short of achieving my goal. I need to appreciate the home I have, keep caring for it and quit kicking myself for the choices I made last fall.
Our house isn't the only aspect of my life that makes me feel "stuck". The other is my job. I work with some great people, have a steady paycheck and my commute isn't bad. I really am grateful that I have a job. Flexibility is something I have always tried to incorporate into all aspects of my life. I once said that I could never work a 9-5 job Monday-Friday because it would make me crazy. Guess what? I have worked "bankers" hours for a year and a half now and it has some perks, but for the most part I'm miserable. I miss the flexibility of working as a contract worker but like the steady paycheck. I have spent countless hours trying to come up with the perfect idea for a job. I have half formed ideas and a few pipe dreams. I can almost piece together my unique skill set to turn into something marketable. I am creative but not business savvy. I tend to think big when I might be able to start with a small idea and build on it. I am great at networking, event planning, program coordinating, volunteer coordinating, brainstorming, organizing and communication. I want to find a way to actually make a small living doing these things. I don't have to be rich--I just have to be able to help pay the bills and contribute to making the ends meet each month. I know that somewhere out there my skills would be an awesome fit doing something--it is finding that elusive something, someone or somewhere that holds me back. It is hard to make big changes anytime in your life, but when you are staring down 50, have a boatload of bills and are struggling with self esteem issues it makes it just a tad bit harder. I realize that I am my biggest obstacle. Even though I fancy myself a writer of sorts, I need a major spin doctor to create a resume' for me that would even get me in the running for a job that I would want. Maybe that spin doctor could also make me see that life is actually pretty good right now. I may or not be stuck, but I'm healthy and surrounded by friends and family who believe in me even when I am not believing in myself. I really need to get out of my own way, wipe the dirt off my butt and keep trudging up the path so I can see where it leads.
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