Life is a journey. Time and again I find myself sitting in front of the computer trying to find the right words to describe where I am and where I am going. It may seem redundant to many of you. I mean enough already, I am beginning to get a bit bored with my struggles to become the person that I want to be. It is hard though. I have spent years with faulty wiring and am now trying to undo the damage that negative self talk has done to me. Maybe some of you are in the same boat. Stuck and wanting to change but not knowing how. It should be easy, but I am one damn stubborn woman and my subconscious self is not easy to get past. I have been in a funk this summer. I would like to be sitting here writing something funny to make you all laugh, but instead I am boring myself to tears with the same old, same old of not yet being where it is that I want to be. I will reevaluate the past few months, list any faults that I find then start fresh tomorrow with a clear slate and a new path. Good things are coming for all of us, we just have to keep pressing forward.
After reading over some of my most recent blogs, they all seem to sound a bit the same. They are part of my journey right now as I work to stop the negative self talk that has become a habit over the years. It does seem as if I have been swimming in molasses these past few months, but small changes are occurring and I am learning more about who I am, where I am and which direction I want to go from here. As I get ready to start the empty nest chapter of my life it has been important to me to look ahead to where I am going and to make sure that where I am is where I really want to be. We get one shot at life and I want to make it to the end of mine knowing that I followed the path that I wanted to follow and that just maybe I did some good along the way.
I came into the summer months with a long list of big changes that I was planning to make. The list remains the same with no marked progress. September is here and I don't weigh any more or less, I sporadically list my food on my Weight Watchers App, I wear my fit bit about once a week when I know I will be walking a lot and the projects around the house are still waiting for me to start them. I have learned that this is life. You set out with certain intentions but get sidetracked by reality more often than not. The lack of progress would have had me feeling like a failure this time last year. In the past I have made big goals and then have beat myself up when they don't come to fruition. It seems that it is completely normal for people to have high expectations for themselves and then do a mental beat down when they fail. I habitually set myself up for failure. This summer I may not have ticked things off of my to do list but I did learn some important lessons. Listing your weaknesses and really taking a look at your flaws is not a negative thing. Accepting your quirks is actually very positive and can lead you to a healthier place mentally. I have stated before that I spent the majority of my life being a "pleaser". Call it a suck up, an ass kisser, a peace keeper an ambassador of goodwill or whatever you want to call it. I wanted everyone to like me and to not offend anyone. I absolutely hate confrontation and drama and try to avoid it at all costs. I have found myself drawn into drama just because I was too nice too not let myself get sucked in. Being "too nice" can get you into trouble and lead you into places you don't really want to be. It is amazing how quickly being polite can backfire on you.
I am not saying that I'm going to stop being nice and polite or that I'm going to tell the world to "bite me". I believe in kindness and good. I am just taking time to be aware of other perspectives and to allow myself to step away from situations that could destroy my peace of mind. We get caught up in 'shoulds'. Recently the proverbial light bulb went off in my head. When you are listening (or not) to the spiel they give you before take off about making sure that you securely fasten the air mask on yourself before assisting those around you including your own children they are not telling you to be selfish. They are telling you that if you are incapacitated by polluted air then you can't help anyone else. I love helping people but I have to be in a healthy and positive place in my own life if I really
want to make an impact.
I've spent my summer reevaluating my goals and what I want the second half of my life to look like. We are constantly growing and changing so it is important to take a break to see if you are on the right path. Switching directions can be a bit scary. We tend to get comfortable treading water and forget that there was once a destination we were traveling to. My friends and family will tell you that I get sidetracked by shiny objects a lot! I have been knocked off the trail a few times and it sometimes takes me awhile to regroup and move forward.
I have let many things in my life be roadblocks instead of stepping stones. My lack of a four year degree, my distaste for math, my chunkiness and my not so young anymore age have been excuses this past year for allowing myself to get stuck. This past month has been about refocusing on the possibilities and learning what it is that I really want in life. By reading books and articles, meditating on certain thoughts and making lists I do feel that progress is being made. I am getting closer to realizing what it is that I want to accomplish and what I want to add to my life to help me with these accomplishments. I have learned about my downfalls and skewed ways of thinking that have held me back and not allowed me to progress. I have found that focusing on one thing can be difficult when my mind is full and always busy. Visualizing what you want your life to look like and planning the steps to take to get you there are imperative. This visualization will not look the same for each person. We are individuals so what works for you as a tried and true method may not work at all for me. Finding your own special formula is the key. We all want the magic potion or easy formula but because we are all so different it can't be a cookie cutter fix. One ingredient that we all need is to believe that it is possible. I know that saying that you need to believe sounds cliche' but it is true. Our mindset is so much more powerful than we know and changing negative thoughts into positive ones is not as simple as it sounds. One way to test yourself on this is to think of a new idea or situation that is coming your way. Are you excited about the possibilities or are you scared to death and worried about everything that could go wrong? I can sometimes be the queen of the worse case scenario thinking. This is not good. I need to quit tripping over the "what ifs" and grab the bull by the horns. I miss that fearless girl that I was a long time ago. I want to find her again--she is buried in there somewhere.
I am currently working on being both positive and grateful. Some may think that I am hitting that middle aged place where certain women suddenly become "new age". There really isn't anything "new" about many of the principles and practices that are labeled "new age". Many of these things have been around for hundreds of years and are proven time and again. As I stare down "50" and make friends with my flaws I find that I have so many things in my life to be thankful for. We can get caught up thinking about the things that we don't have or that we haven't done and then forget to look at all of the amazing things we have accomplished. My life is far from perfect, but it is mine. I am healthy regardless of my chunkiness, I have an amazing family and awesome friends. I am rich in so many ways that have nothing to do with my net worth or education level.
I am leaving my job this week. I love the people there but not the work. There is also a level of drama that is affecting me in a negative way. I am overly empathetic, when there are problems I want to fix them. I sometimes start drowning in other peoples issues. I care too much, want to help too badly and end up doing serious damage to myself. I get frustrated when I'm unable to do enough. The problem is that I was not put here to fix everyone's problems. People have to fix themselves. How can they learn and grow if someone swoops in and helps them? Sometimes they don't even want help and are a bit annoyed that I would even presume that they did. I have to step back and remember that my job is to plant seeds, show kindness and to love unconditionally. Not everyone will like me and not everyone will appreciate my own unique sense of quirkiness. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I let go of the past, forget any labels that have been issued to me by others and strive each day to be a better version of me.
I am tempted to tell you that I am worried about my new job, how I will fit in, if I will like it. I am learning to be positive and grateful though so instead I will tell you that in less than two weeks I am starting a new chapter. My youngest will move out and I will start a new job. It is a job that I did not envision for myself but I will go in there and be thankful that they see something in me that makes them believe that I will be phenomenal. I will learn new things and meet new people. I will accomplish my goals in my own time and in my own way. I may even write a few of the funny blogs in my head that I haven't written because I'm worried they will offend someone. People will judge, people will be offended; there will be drama and conflicts will happen occasionally. I will survive them all and not take anything personally. I will keep my focus on the good. Life is a journey.....
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