It is funny how things seem so clear in your own mind until someone questions your intentions. I learned this morning that what I thought were awesome posts with wise words that may help others were actually sending out red flags to some regarding my own well being. For someone whose past few blogs have referred to perceptions, I am pretty clueless at times. This is a reminder that what seems perfectly clear in our own minds is not necessarily clear to those around us. Sometimes what we say and what we do can send mixed messages to those who may not be around us daily.
I am so very thankful to have friends who know me well and call when they are worried about my well being. I have a history of depression and anxiety. I can assure you all that as far as those things go, I feel that I am in a really good place right now. I am extremely bored at work and that leads to too much time in my own head and me trying to find constructive things to do for nine hours. I used to spend a lot of time reading the news. That is not healthy for me. The news is filled with gloom and doom. I am working on positive thinking~gory details and sensationalized headlines are a complete and total buzz kill.
As many of you know, I recently tried for an amazing job that I felt was tailor made just for me. It was with a small non-profit that works in all of the schools in Oregon. I made it far in the process and was given a lot of positive feedback even though I didn't get the job. Since the final decision came down I have a boss whose well meaning (I think) comments are starting to wreak havoc with my self-esteem. When you couple those comments with my not so stellar interview that happened this week I have to admit that I did struggle again for a few days with those old insecurities.
I have spent the past few years working on the spiritual side of myself. I have grown a lot as a person and feel that I am stronger in many ways. A friend of mine has a sister who is a well known psychic. She is known as the "common sense" psychic and lives in California. This past weekend she was in town to lead a class at a bookstore in downtown Portland. A friend and I decided to go to the class so that I could finally meet her. Think what you want to about psychics but I believe that we are all intuitive and that we all have gifts. At the class I was told a couple of things that made sense. The first being the most obvious in my life right now. I am not where I'm supposed to be job wise. I am in a position that doesn't utilize my strengths and skills and it is beginning to bring me down mentally. I need to be busy, I need to feel like I am making a difference~this job doesn't require much out of me at all. Sometimes they tell you things that you already know but don't really want to hear. She told me that I put too much stock in what others think of me. This is something that I have known about myself for awhile now and have been working on. I used to pretty much wear a mask all of the time to hide my real self from the world because I hate conflict and didn't want to offend anyone. A few years ago I realized I wasn't even sure I had my own opinions. In many areas of my life I have opened up and shown my true self without caring what others think. My biggest insecurities have to do with my employment and my body image. These are where I feel I still seek confirmation from others as to my self worth. I am aware of this and am working on it, but in the middle of a job search it is easy to lose site of the progress made.
After the class I had a minute or two to talk to Phyllis while she was signing my book. She made the suggestion of me becoming a life coach. I have thought of that before but have felt that my empathetic nature may draw me in too much. I did have a talk with God, Jesus, my guardian angel, my spirit guides and the universe on my way home. I told them that I knew the right job was out there for me but that I needed help finding it. People talk about receiving signs. I reminded them that I am clueless at times; if they plan on sending a sign please make sure it is really big, neon and flashing bright lights so that I don't miss it. On Monday I typed "life coach" in on Craig's List. A job popped up. It said "Life Coach Coordinator". I thought to myself that this could be a sign. I e-mailed over my resume' and set up an interview with the staffing agency that was filling the position. I thought to myself that this could be it. This job could be the one that I was meant to have because it had a lot of the same tasks as the one at OSAA but worked with job and life coaches. I walked in full of confidence with my head held high. It's funny how you can be so full of self-esteem one minute and then feel like something on the bottom of someones shoe the next. I know that I could do the job and that I would rock it. They took a look at me and reflected in their eyes I suddenly saw that I was older and heavier than they had expected and that I wasn't as educated as they would have liked. Is that really what they were thinking? Maybe--maybe just a tone in their voice brought my biggest insecurities down all around me. I kept my head up and thanked them knowing that the staffing service had found me lacking and therefore I wasn't going to have the opportunity to even tell anyone how perfect I was for the position.
This is a year of transitions and life changing events for me. I am strong, I am loved and I am worthy. I will find the right job, I will be healthier no matter what size I am and I will not be wearing any masks. I am rich beyond measure when it comes to family and friends. I will continue my spiritual path, continue to find joy every day and continue to turn anything negative in my life to something positive. I will also work on perceptions. I will give people second chances, I will not let first impressions define those I meet and I will continue to be kind. If ever I post eleven affirmative posts on Facebook in one day again it is okay to question me. It is okay to worry about my well being. Just know that I am probably just bored and not realizing that I am sending mixed messages.
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