Love is one emotion that I have never been good at suppressing. It seems that being empathetic I have an over abundance of love for friends, family, children, animals and chocolate. Had to throw that last one in there though that may be lust. Maybe I lust after chocolate. I use humor to help me through hard times. Humor is how I cope. Sometimes it is a dark humor that may have people raising their eyebrows, but I try hard to keep my darkest, most painful thoughts to myself. I have started this post several times over the past year but have always stopped short because I know there will be many different views on this and it is a very painful and personal struggle that I am handling the best that I can. Unfortunately my best hasn't been good enough this past week. And I find myself in a place that could have been avoided by different choices and stricter rules, but it is what it is and all I can do is accept where we are and move forward.
If you are not a dog person you will never understand this post and may as well check out now. This is a super long one so you may want to check out now anyway unless you have some time. If you have never had a dog, loved a dog or felt personally responsible for the well being of a dog then this may be way beyond comprehension. It is okay to not love dogs but as an overly empathetic, dog loving, emotional wreck right now I need other dog lovers to understand this place that I find myself in. A place that some say is an easy fix but what seems so easy and obvious to some is not always the case with the person who loves a dog with all of her heart even when that heart is breaking.
There have always been dogs in my life. We had them when I was growing up and I married a man and his dog 26 years ago. That dog was very special to me as have been many others over the years, but no dog has been as near and dear to me as my dog Dempsey. I was warned so I should have known better but with many things of the heart the warnings of others go out the door when you are overcome by emotion. In 2014 I lost my father. It is a pain that has dulled for the most part but still comes back as a sharp stab at times. I will find myself crying to a song on the radio or how someone words something. We lost a dog in 2014 as well not as big of a loss, but a loss all the same. It was a year of losses including the job that I loved. The company went under somewhat quickly and since most of it happened while I was on leave taking care of my father it came as a painful shock as well. Back to Sydney. Sydney was a Mini Australian Shepherd/Red Heeler mix. She was a gift to me for Mother's day in 2004. She was supposed to be mine but it soon became clear that her heart belonged to my husband. She was overly devoted to him in a way that made the rest of us comment on her obsession. I had some rough times the first two years of her life. She was an alpha female who wanted to show dominance over me in any way that she could. My husband was hers and I needed to deal with it. It is funny now. I can laugh, but there were times in those days that I wasn't laughing. I could write a few blogs on her antics but I am getting off course. When Sydney passed Kyle's young Pit Bull was lonely. He lost a playmate and the elderly wiener dog wanted nothing to do with him. She was in mourning as well and did not want to commiserate with Rooney. We decided to rescue another Pit Bull. We were told to get a female and were warned that two males could lead to big problems. Hindsight is always 20/20. I would like to say that if I would have known then what I know now I would have changed things, but I'm not really sure if that is true. In August of 2014 we heard about a litter of puppies that had been brought up from Texas to be rescued. The litter had something like 5 males and 2 females. Antone could not go with the kids and I but gave strict orders that if I was to choose one it needed to be a female and preferably a colorful one. When we arrived there was only one female available. She wasn't at all curious about us and hid almost the entire time. Four of the males were very playful and wanted the attention of my daughter, my son and his girlfriend. They were rambunctious and very cute but none of them stuck out. The runt of the litter was a white male with big blue eyes. He came straight to me and snuggled up. I tried to put him off as he wasn't what we came for but he just kept coming back and wanting my attention. He was starting to get to me and was the only one that I could see as an option even though I knew we should just leave without a puppy and continue our search for the right female. We decided to bring Rooney out of the car and see how he did with the puppies. At 18 months Rooney looked huge in comparison. The female who had come out of hiding ran under the deck with her tail between her legs. The other males scattered. The little white runt ran to Rooney and started trying to play. Rooney was happy for the playmate and seeing them together sealed the deal. We chose to adopt him even though we knew that my husband wouldn't be happy. It only took a day for the little guy to wrap my husband around his paw. He was sweet and Rooney started mothering him. For 18 months they were the best of friends and life was good. I loved my boys and those warnings from before seemed unwarranted. We took an obedience training class with both dogs which was helpful but we should have taken more classes and been more serious with the training. We didn't work on some of the issues that really needed work like Rooney jumping on people when they came in the door. Rooney likes to jump to welcome guests with a slobbery kiss. Most people don't appreciate a 70 pound dog jumping towards their face. Especially those who have heard rumors of pit bulls and may be scared for their lives. Rooney doesn't have a mean bone in his body but the jumping is an issue and it is something that in hindsight should have been dealt with at an early age. It was a concern at the shelter we rescued him from and we thought with redirection he would grow out of it. We would be much better dog parents if we weren't lax in the training department.
The grief that I felt in 2014 over the losses that had occurred and the loss that I saw coming with my youngest child turning 18 and planning his future made me a bit more depressed and anxious than usual. This little dog gave me something to love and focus on. I began to understand about therapy dogs and how the pure love and devotion of a pet could help you through dark times. In September of 2015 my son left for college. The nest was empty and I cried for days. The dogs kept me company and their quiet comfort got me through. Yes, my husband helped too. I don't want to leave him completely out of the equation but he could only comfort me so much. The mother-love that I have always had for my friends growing up, my children and the many exchange students we had needed an outlet and these dogs, Dempsey in particular filled that void. With my son gone his dog Rooney began sleeping in our room. This was a big change for Dempsey who had us to himself at night for his life before then. I didn't think it would be a problem. Ever the optimist I get blinded sometimes.
In October of 2015 Dempsey turned 16 months old. Something started occurring that had me concerned. Dempsey did not want Rooney on the bed with me. Dempsey would get on the bed and snuggle with me. When Rooney came near he would growl and Rooney wouldn't come close. I tried to call him up onto the bed with us so that I could show Dempsey that it was okay but Rooney just whined. A few weeks later I was on the bed with both of them when Dempsey all of the sudden lunged at Rooney and nipped him several times. I grabbed him and put him in his kennel but wasn't sure what to do. I tried talking to our vet who said that he believed it was Resource Aggression. He thought that Dempsey saw me as his and didn't want to share me. We decided that the behavior was geared towards me and that I needed to make some changes. I thought that I had made headway and that things were getting better until February of 2016. The problems in the bedroom had stopped but now there was a new and bigger issue.
We decided in 2016 that we were going to put our house on the market in early spring. To get it ready we had to start cleaning up, decluttering, painting in February. One day when my husband was at work we planned to have my niece and her boyfriend come to help me with some of the things on our list. They had been to our house countless times before and like many of our friends and family members they knew it was okay to just walk in. On that day when they walked in Dempsey attacked Rooney and it was not the growling and nipping that I had seen a few months before. This was loud and looked terrible. It was hard to get them apart and when I did there was very little damage to either dog. It wasn't as bad as it could have been but it shook me up and I was at a loss of what to do.
Between February and July this happened 2-3 times per month. We decided that there was an issue with people coming into the house that didn't live there. We had to start have friends and family message us when they were coming over so that we could put the dogs away. I became wary of anyone unannounced ringing my door bell because it may set Dempsey off and I dreaded those times when my funny, lovable fur baby became something else. When these fights happened they always sounded and looked more violent than they were. When it is over and they were calm again they would lick each others wounds and snuggle up like nothing ever happened.
We didn't know if the work we were doing on the house, the packing up and the different changes happening within the house were adding to the problem but we wanted to make sure that we were doing all that we could to help defuse things. I visited a vet in Canby who talked to me about dominance issues in male dogs and gave me tips on how to work with them to curtail those issues. The vet had the problem himself when one of his male dogs was in the teen stage. Working with them and making sure that the older dog was treated more like the dominant one helped for him and eventually his dogs grew out of it. His dogs are smaller than mine so I can't imagine that breaking them up was hard. He told me that when these things happened I needed to lie on top of Dempsey afterward to show my dominance over him. I also needed to make sure that Rooney got to do things first such as be fed, have a treat, be handed a toy or anything at all. Dempsey needed to see that we looked upon Rooney as the dominant dog so that Dempsey would know his place in the pack. I think that it is important for me to say that this is a male dog issue. It has nothing to do with the breed. It is harder to break up two pit bulls than it is to break up two poodles or other small dogs. The larger the dogs the more risk and these issues happen throughout all breeds.
Unfortunately there were some bad fights from August to October. It is hard to say if the new environment amped things up or not. We moved into our new home at the end of July and it took a bit for the boys to warm up to their new surroundings. It didn't help that there was this beautiful new grass that they couldn't be on for three weeks or that they weren't allowed on the new couch. It was a new place with new rules which added up to a lot of changes. The fights were usually weeks apart but when they happened they were harder to break apart and harder to predict. Dempsey has always been a bit skittish. He is an anxious boy who sometimes looks worried when there is nothing to be worried about. He is scared of his own shadow even though he has never been abused or known anything but love. He was spoiled as a puppy I didn't realize the harm I was doing when I babied him and snuck him special treats because he was my baby boy. I showed preference to him at an early age which I now know was not good at all and probably is why he feels he should have a higher place in the pack. I take responsibility which is why we are where we are in this story. One fight that stands out is the day that two men that we didn't know came into the backyard to see the retaining wall that my husband was building. The dogs were in their new outdoor kennel and had never had an issue in it before. That day Dempsey attacked and it made me question putting them in the same kennel ever again. It was harder to get them apart in a confined space and that day there were some wounds that required a vet. They were just deep puncture wounds, but still upsetting. The vet said that we needed to be diligent in making sure that they were separated when known triggers like the doorbell or strangers happened. We were able to keep things calm the entire month of September. When life is quiet with no interruptions and we are snuggled together as a couple and their two dogs all is good. The problem is that life isn't like that all of the time. We have a big family; we like to have friends over; we live in a neighborhood that is under construction and our life has never been predictable.
At the beginning of October I was working in my home office and the dogs were sleeping near my feet. My Mother-In-Law stopped by. She has stopped in before and the dogs know her. On this day it definitely was not okay with Dempsey that she let herself in. The dogs ran out of my office before I could stop them and started fighting within a foot of my 80 year old Mother-In-Law. They are focused on each other when these incidents occur. There is no malice towards humans but I didn't like the fact that they were in a vicious battle right next to an older person who was recovering from knee surgery. I have broken up fights before. I know that I am supposed to grab Dempsey from the back legs and not get in between them. I know exactly what I am supposed to do and what I'm not. I wasn't thinking of myself that day, I wanted them apart quickly. I reached in between them and ended up almost getting bit. I say almost because even in the heat of battle when he was bent on punishing Rooney for whatever offense he felt Rooney had committed my dog still stopped as quickly as he could. This stopping still left a scar. My arm went into his mouth and his teeth were already coming down. One did puncture skin, but only one. It went deep and the rest of the injury was a painful mouth shaped bruise on my left forearm. when an 80 pound dog is in mid lunge it can't stop. I am not sure how my mother-in-law felt seeing me lying on my beat up dog crying and bleeding from my arm. I asked for a rag and made her put Rooney out so that Dempsey wouldn't go for him again. That was also a new problem. You had to separate them completely and keep Dempsey completely immobile or he would go after Rooney again. They had to be separated until Dempsey was calm again. The hour or two that I kept them apart after an incident was painful as they would both cry and beg to be together. How do you let two dogs cuddle again after witnessing the violence of their attack? It is something I will never understand. It is something that is hard to explain unless you see if for yourself and that is not something I would wish for anyone.
In these now bloody battles Dempsey started the fight but he always came out looking much worse than Rooney. Rooney has longer legs and a better reach. Rooney goes for Dempsey's face and being white the scratches and bite marks stand out. My beautiful baby boy has scars. He looks like a survivor of a fighting ring. I saved these dogs so that they wouldn't be subjected to that kind of life. Somehow my biggest fear for them has found its way into our home. Dempsey whined and cried for hours after hurting me. Though it was my fault for reaching where I shouldn't have he licked my wound and was an extremely good boy for an entire month. I was hopeful that maybe he was getting older and wiser and maybe the small changes we made and that fact that we'd been in the house for a few months were making a difference. Maybe things were getting better. That all changed in early November. Sometimes I wonder if my moods and anxieties trigger something in Dempsey. It is interesting that our next set of issues came on election day and the days that followed. There were four separate incidents that week and though in a way these incidents were on a smaller scale they still sent up warning flags. On election day Dempsey nipped at the 15 year old Wiener dog which he had never done before. She was wet and slobbery but there was no damage done. The day after the election the boys were chewing on toys in my office while I was working when Dempsey started a fight with Rooney. This fight went from the office to the hall and it took me a few minutes to break it up. This was the first time that it had happened when I was home alone with them. There was nothing predictable that would explain why. Dempsey bit Rooney in the thigh on one of his back legs. The wound was deep but clean. There wasn't a lot of blood but it still had me worried. While Dempsey held the leg in place Rooney again did a job on Dempsey's face. The next day and the day after that Dempsey started to go for Rooney when Antone walked in from work. Again, not something we had seen before and having four incidents happen in one week was definitely not good. On Monday of the following week Rooney's leg looked like it might be infected and he was in pain. We went to the vet again. It was a bad day at the vet. The vet had just put down a young lab because it had killed two house cats and some chickens. He was upset over having to put down one young dog and here I was again with more worries about Dempsey. He gave Rooney antibiotics and told me that we needed to make some hard decisions. He said we were first going to try anxiety drugs. We would start with a supplement, move then move to Prozac if we needed to. If drugs did not work then the next step would be either to move him to a home with no other pets or put him down. As you can imagine I cried all the way home. I wanted to have faith in the supplements and dutifully began to give them to him.
I made a call that week to a good friend that I grew up with who is a vet in Vancouver. If she were closer she would be my choice of vet but I need someone local so only call her in the most dire of circumstances. Maybe I should have called her months before. I explained the situation to her and she had a positive spin to it. She said that she believed wholeheartedly that it is a dominance issue and explained that as terrible as these fights are that Dempsey is not a savage killer. If he were a vicious dog both of the other dogs in our house would be dead and we would have been attacked as well. She had good things to say about the supplement and felt that with some changes around the house things could get better. She told us to move their kennels so that they couldn't see one another. She wanted us to pick up their toy box and keep the toys out of sight. The dogs were only to be given toys separately while under supervision. The dogs also needed to be fed separately and their food needed to be picked up after feedings. We have always had free range feeding in the past and it never seemed to be a problem but she said that it is hard to say what might and might not be a problem. Maybe he was actually trying to protect his food and toys when he starts these fights. She also suggested that we try putting Rooney on the supplement as well since he could be doing something that instigated the attacks as well. She said that sibling fight, it doesn't mean they don't love each. We didn't end up putting Rooney on the supplement but did take her advice on the other things.
It is hard to say if the supplements worked or if it was just back to the pattern. We managed to make it a whole month before the episode that I wrote about in my Christmas blog. Life was good and we thought we had them under control until the neighbor stepped outside to pet the cute dogs. If she would have just lavished her love on the white one all would have been fine. Unfortunately Rooney wanted to say hello as well and that was his undoing and it brought a whole different vibe to our neighborhood Christmas party which had been going so well. We tiptoed through Christmas. We had a lot of people in and out. The dogs were separated at times we felt there may be an issue. It was touch and go the night of the 27th when our son's family came to stay the night with their two pit bulls. The dogs never saw one another. They were kenneled separately and we managed to make it through the visit with no problems. I knew the supplements weren't working but I wasn't sure what I needed to do next. I knew that we were reaching a point where it couldn't continue. We can't be held prisoner by the unpredictable nature of our beloved dog no matter how beloved he is. I have known people who have had to put their young dogs down and it has been devastating to them. I decided that after the New Year I would call the vet and order the Prozac.
On the 29th of December I was planning to spend my day in my pajamas working and getting some things done around the house. My daughter was napping when one of my sons called from work to say that he had thrown his back out and wanted to know if I could pick him up. I hadn't showered yet that day and told him that I would need a shower first. I got out of the shower, put on a bra and underwear then sat on the bed to put on my socks. The issues started with a bed and the final straw happened on a bed. Rooney and Dempsey had been sleeping cuddled together on the bed when I sat down. I noticed that Rooney started to shake. I turned to Rooney to ask why he was shaking because I do talk to my dogs. The words weren't even out of my mouth before Dempsey pounced. He had Rooney by the skin on his cheek and would not let go. Rooney was howling in pain but still managing to inflict some serious scratches to the area around Dempsey's eyes. I could not get them apart. I laid across Dempsey and bit his ear like I'd been told to do. I tried unclenching his jaws which are normal dog jaws-not the super jaws that myths say pit bulls have. Regardless normal pit bull jaws are still very strong when the dogs in question are 70 and 80 pound dogs. I screamed for Kelli to come and we pulled, from all angles trying to break it up. It probably only lasted 3-4 minutes but those minute seem forever when they are happening. It always upsets me but this time I broke down and couldn't stop crying. I laid on the floor holding Dempsey down long after Rooney had been taken to safety. There was a lot of blood. I have nicks on my fingers from teeth while trying to pry them apart, a scratch down my calf from dog toe nails and two little puncture marks on my jaw which are most likely also from dog toe nails that tried to push me off when I was biting his ear. When I finally got up I caught sight of myself in the mirror in my underwear and bloody bra with blood all over my face from having it up against Dempsey's face. I honestly felt for a few minutes that Dempsey had sealed his fate. I couldn't trust him any longer and may have to have him put down. How could I keep subjecting Rooney to this not matter how much Rooney loves his brother? This is a question that has been asked many times over the months. It isn't fair but then re homing them isn't fair either. We love these dogs and rescued them making them our responsibility. Rooney would do well in any home but giving him up when he has done nothing wrong is extremely unfair. He is my son's dog but my son is at college in an apartment and who knows when he will be in a position to keep him full time. Re homing Dempsey would be harder. He has issues. I know he loves me and would probably be just fine here as the only pet in the house. Again, not fair to Rooney. I can't send him to another home. What if he has issues there? What if the issues get worse? What if he ends up with someone who decides to fight him. It is hard having complete power over a living thing that loves and trusts you with all of their heart.
As I cried I thought back to a conversation with a friend a few months before. She and another friend had taken their dogs to a trainer who worked wonders with their dogs. Trainers are tricky because there are different methods of training and some of the methods are widely debated among them. There are people who feel that training collars are inhumane. I have seen dogs who react well to that type of training and who have made progress. It is not something I would have wanted before but now in light of where we are and the options that I have I see it as my best hope of keeping this family together. Financially we are in a very shaky place. We knew coming into this house that we would limp along for a year before we could refinance. While limping it is hard to come up with money for vet bills, supplements let alone other things like car repair, food, bills and other things that cost money. For the love of a dog I did the only thing that I felt that I could. I called my mother-in-law and begged for a loan. I didn't have to beg, she knows how much I love this dog. She has also seen first hand what the fights look like and that this is our last hope. My husband is all for re homing and doesn't believe the training will work. It was a decision that was made quickly but after a lot of questions. I talked to the trainer twice with my list of questions and concerns. I googled, I prayed, I talked to each of my children, my husband and a friend who had used the trainer. In the end the decision was made while still in the bloody bra with a tear stained face. On Wednesday the trainer will come and take both of our boys. They will be gone for three weeks. The training is guaranteed. If it is an issue that he cannot fix I won't be charged. I will have to make monthly payments to my mother in law and it may take me over a year to pay her back. Given our current financial state I question my sanity in following through with this. But I have to follow through. I have to do everything I can to make this work. If it doesn't I will accept defeat and look for an owner who can give Dempsey the love, solitude and security that he needs to be the best dog that he can be.
Once my decision was made my son came home from college to be with his dog and to make sure all was well. It wasn't well. Dempsey struck again the next day with my husband and son there. The terrible wounds on Dempsey's face look worse than before and Rooney went to Corvallis for the weekend to stay in the apartment away from Dempsey until training can begin. During the 24 hours they have been apart they show signs of missing one another. I took a picture of Dempsey watching forlornly out the window, his eyes bloody and sad looking for his brother who is out there somewhere. I sit here crying as I type worried about how scared they will be and how confused to be leaving us and taken to a strange place. The trainer says they will be busy and they will have fun. Maybe I will be the scared and confused one sitting here wondering what 2017 will look like if one of my boys has to leave our home for good. I am feeling old, tired and defeated tonight but Dempsey is still here with me so I am going to go cuddle with him while I can. I will whisper my wishes into his ear and pray that through training he will learn a better way to deal with his anxiety and through training I will learn to give him what he needs so that he can stay. I will do what I need to do with love for love, even for the love of a dog.
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