When my house is too cluttered with dishes in the sink, stuff piled up in my office in laundry in baskets to be put away, I can't concentrate. I am not sure what it is that makes me want order around me so that I can function in a harmonious fashion. There is a master plan around here somewhere that says Kyle keeps the dishes put away so that I can load dishes into the dishwasher as they get dirty; Kelli keeps the laundry done and I do other cleaning as needed. I could handle my part if there weren't always too many dishes and too much laundry. Add a new puppy to these jobs that I am not supposed to worry about and you have me on one of my writing days running around with wet hair, no make-up, a sink full of dishes because the "on" button didn't get hit last night on the full dishwasher, tripping over baskets of laundry because Kelli is doing a college project at her boyfriends house while chasing the puppy because he forgot the potty training lesson he had yesterday. I pull out the green machine only to find that the water hasn't been cleaned so when I go to suck up the mess all I get is the overwhelming stench of puppy pee. Where is the Febreeze??? I lug the green machine to the kitchen sink only to remember it is overflowing with dishes so I can't empty it in there and add clean water. I trudge back up to scrub the area by hand and spray a ton of Arm and Hammer Pet Stain and Odor Remover on the offensive spot which is actually the top two stairs. He stood in my office looked at me as he was heading down the stairs and just peed right there on the stairs. By now he had gotten some type of electronics cord and chewed the end off. Not sure what that went to, but one of the kids will be looking for it later. As I am trying to regroup and start working on cleaning my office, I remember that I am supposed to get some stuff for my French Group done today.
Oh the French Group. Only 15 students and a teacher for 3 weeks. This should be simple after some of the large 4 week groups that I have had in the past. Unfortunately nothing is simple this year. Most of my tried and true host families are either out of town or their kids have had the audacity to grow up. Damn kids, stay young and ask for exchange siblings in the summer!! Make my life easier. Wait--my own kids just grew up and have asked that this be our last year of summer kids. Okay, they actually asked that last summer. I wasn't going to do this again, but then the lure of making over $3,000 this summer on a three week group changed my mind. I want the extra money for our Brazil adventure next summer. I will find families, I always do, I just have days like today when I stress over it. The puppy just brought me a shoe. Luckily it is mine and still in one piece. I go close my bedroom door. I make sure all doors are closed and come back to the computer. Oh great, an e-mail from my exchange supervisor who has kept me sane the past couple of years when I have days like these. She is leaving me. She got a new position. I only have her for two more weeks. Wait!! I have kids traveling into the area until the end of August. How can she leave me. What if her replacement is mean and doesn't understand my roller coaster life? Shelby didn't bat and eyelash when I told her I had to move back a deadline because I had to go to Hollywood and be on a talk show. Back to the exchange students. I need flyers. Good flyers. Flyers that say something wonderful that make people want to open their homes to a student who just may bring them a new outlook on life. Damn, the puppy just got on our other dogs' last nerve. There is growling and nipping and yelping. How can I concentrate. My desk is piled with more than usual because the puppy keeps bringing me things that I thought were safe on lower shelves. I need to be working on a couple of chapters of the novel. Oh yeah, the novel that I want to finish this year. I am still rewriting the first 11 chapters that were already written once a few years back. I am supposed to devote a few hours each Tuesday and Thursday to that. Who has time? I can't find my homework from last weeks' Meditation class either. It must be somewhere. The meditation class that is supposed to teach me to frickin' relax. How can I relax when there is homework and I can't find it and who has time to meditate. The puppy just ate a cardboard box. I need to go finish my hair and make-up for the day. My husband is taking me on a date tonight to try to get me to relax. Oh, there is that relax thing again. Who says I'm not relaxed? I have three dogs at my feet while I am typing, my dishwasher is taking forever to finish. I need those dishes out of the sink before I can design a flyer. I need those clothes put away so I can concentrate on Exchange stuff and be ready for my weekly check-in tomorrow. Have I accomplished anything on the group this week. It doesn't seem like it. Maybe I have. I might or might not have some nifty flyers that the language teachers at the high school are waiting for. It isn't even noon yet. Is the puppy ready for a nap? I am . Whose puppy is this? Whose dishes are those? Are there any clean towels for showers tomorrow? Where is the puppy? It is too quiet. I better go see what he has destroyed now. Maybe my sanity .........
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Fat Chicks in Spandex..........
When it became evident that I didn't know what I wanted to study in college, I took a "year" off so that I could figure out what my career interest was going to be. Of course that year stretched into many years as is often the case in those situations. I wasn't anything special, but I sure wanted to be. Who doesn't?? I had big plans, big dreams and REALLY big hair. It was the 80's and I was young and felt like the cover girl for "average". I was average height, average weight, average IQ--I had brown hair, brown eyes and was too pale. I was so tired of being average and wanted to find some way to stand out. I loved music and was drawn to musicians. I knew I was a bit too straight laced for the music scene, but I was curious and had time on my hands. I decided that one way to stop being average was to step out of my comfort zone.
I spent four years dating the drummer for a metal band. They had bigger hair than me, wore spandex and filled a creative void that I was missing at that time. It was so fun to be able to either just be me in jeans and a t-shirt with no make up or to transform myself into a hard rocking diva in short skirts and high heels. Okay, so I was always a little too "girl next door" to really pull of the hard rocker chick look, but I had fun trying!
Because I was a skinny girl who had no clue what it was like to be heavy, I co-wrote a song for the band called "Fat Chicks in Spandex." Another skinny girlfriend helped me and the band put music to it. It was meant to be funny, but the band decided that some girls could take it personally and that would be hurtful, so it wasn't played often at all.
Fast forward 25 years. My skinny friend and I are a bit chunky. We would never be caught dead in spandex, not then and not now. I do have a hard time relating to that skinny girl who thought the song she co-wrote was so funny. The skinny girl who didn't have a clue what age, bad choices and not enough exercise could do to that cute little figure she was sporting. How I wish I could have that figure and this brain. Life would rock!!
Several of the band guys are still playing together after all these years. I get invites to check out one of their gigs often. I always have good intentions on going and saying hi. I don't think they care that I have become a chunky chick. I believe they would be happy to see me regardless. Sometimes it is hard to revisit those old haunts when you are self conscious of your big butt and muffin top. I am working on either losing weight or learning to love myself regardless of my size. My husband has no desire to go see the band. He would rather I didn't as well. I love seeing old friends and catching up. Maybe I will find a friend or two brave enough to venture out with me. No spandex, but maybe for fun we could sport big hair and a little bling!!
Fast forward 25 years. My skinny friend and I are a bit chunky. We would never be caught dead in spandex, not then and not now. I do have a hard time relating to that skinny girl who thought the song she co-wrote was so funny. The skinny girl who didn't have a clue what age, bad choices and not enough exercise could do to that cute little figure she was sporting. How I wish I could have that figure and this brain. Life would rock!!
Several of the band guys are still playing together after all these years. I get invites to check out one of their gigs often. I always have good intentions on going and saying hi. I don't think they care that I have become a chunky chick. I believe they would be happy to see me regardless. Sometimes it is hard to revisit those old haunts when you are self conscious of your big butt and muffin top. I am working on either losing weight or learning to love myself regardless of my size. My husband has no desire to go see the band. He would rather I didn't as well. I love seeing old friends and catching up. Maybe I will find a friend or two brave enough to venture out with me. No spandex, but maybe for fun we could sport big hair and a little bling!!
Reality Bites.......
When I wrote a letter to a famous television psychologist asking for help for my friend, I honestly thought that the letter would disappear into cyberspace oblivion and that would be the end of it. I was hopeful and excited when I was contacted for the show. I know that thousands of people probably write to the show each week looking for help for various situations. I thought my friends' situation was bad. It seemed bad to me. She had given $30,000 to a stranger and was not listening to her friends and family when they told her she was being scammed. I wanted the good Dr. to set her straight and to help her get her life going back in the right direction. The show has an army of investigators and has helped so many people.
I was nervous traveling to Hollywood and facing my friend after months of not really talking because we couldn't get past our strong feelings regarding her situation. She saw this move as a way to prove that the love of her life is real and not scamming her. She also saw it as a way to get the large sum of money he supposedly wants to gift her. I saw it as a way to finally break through her stubborn resolve and prove to her that her friends and family were right in their assessment of the situation.
I learned so much in LA. I learned that she was pretty much estranged from all of her family and friends, that she had been helping him with strange and sketchy requests like sending cell phones, helping procure lists of medical professionals in Canada to sell supposed medical supplies to and that the amount of money had grown from the $30,000 to a much larger amount. Of course I would never have guessed the amount and was shocked when I learned the truth.
We did manage to have fun in LA, we put the reason we were there on a shelf and enjoyed a little time just being old friends on an adventure. It was fun right up until the show started taping. As soon as she took the stage and started arguing with the doctor I knew that there was no hope of him getting through to her. The fun and loving friend turned into an argumentative, stubborn woman who refused to believe all of the proof that I had waited almost a year to see. I had confirmation of my worst fears. She was in deep and she was not going to believe anyone. The $30,000 had grown to over $187,000. The man wanted even more and she was planning to send it. It floored me that something so crystal clear to me and everyone else in the world would not be clear to her as well. How could she not see?
I have to be done thinking about this, talking about this and worrying about this for the time being. I know that many people have questions, many people want to help her, she is a smart, beautiful, funny woman who is loved. She just can't see any of that right now. At this time in her life the most important thing is a man on the other side of the world who is pretending to be someone he is not. She has been given proof and warned that she is losing friends, family and her future financial security. It doesn't matter to her at this time. She is an addict whose mind is focused on one thing and cannot see anything else.
I hope someday that she will see the truth. That she will let those who love her help her put her life back together and that she will find real happiness with someone who will love her unconditionally. Until then, please send prayers and try not to be too judgmental. There are reasons why she has chosen this road. They are reasons only she knows. We all make mistakes, we all do things that others question--maybe not to this extent, but none of us are perfect. Sometimes in life we have to accept that we have done our best and move on. Reality sucks sometimes. My reality is that I didn't get the happy ending I was hoping for. I just hope that by taking the story to National Television that maybe others will be educated and not have to go through this heartbreak with the people they love.
I was nervous traveling to Hollywood and facing my friend after months of not really talking because we couldn't get past our strong feelings regarding her situation. She saw this move as a way to prove that the love of her life is real and not scamming her. She also saw it as a way to get the large sum of money he supposedly wants to gift her. I saw it as a way to finally break through her stubborn resolve and prove to her that her friends and family were right in their assessment of the situation.
I learned so much in LA. I learned that she was pretty much estranged from all of her family and friends, that she had been helping him with strange and sketchy requests like sending cell phones, helping procure lists of medical professionals in Canada to sell supposed medical supplies to and that the amount of money had grown from the $30,000 to a much larger amount. Of course I would never have guessed the amount and was shocked when I learned the truth.
We did manage to have fun in LA, we put the reason we were there on a shelf and enjoyed a little time just being old friends on an adventure. It was fun right up until the show started taping. As soon as she took the stage and started arguing with the doctor I knew that there was no hope of him getting through to her. The fun and loving friend turned into an argumentative, stubborn woman who refused to believe all of the proof that I had waited almost a year to see. I had confirmation of my worst fears. She was in deep and she was not going to believe anyone. The $30,000 had grown to over $187,000. The man wanted even more and she was planning to send it. It floored me that something so crystal clear to me and everyone else in the world would not be clear to her as well. How could she not see?
I have to be done thinking about this, talking about this and worrying about this for the time being. I know that many people have questions, many people want to help her, she is a smart, beautiful, funny woman who is loved. She just can't see any of that right now. At this time in her life the most important thing is a man on the other side of the world who is pretending to be someone he is not. She has been given proof and warned that she is losing friends, family and her future financial security. It doesn't matter to her at this time. She is an addict whose mind is focused on one thing and cannot see anything else.
I hope someday that she will see the truth. That she will let those who love her help her put her life back together and that she will find real happiness with someone who will love her unconditionally. Until then, please send prayers and try not to be too judgmental. There are reasons why she has chosen this road. They are reasons only she knows. We all make mistakes, we all do things that others question--maybe not to this extent, but none of us are perfect. Sometimes in life we have to accept that we have done our best and move on. Reality sucks sometimes. My reality is that I didn't get the happy ending I was hoping for. I just hope that by taking the story to National Television that maybe others will be educated and not have to go through this heartbreak with the people they love.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
My head is spinning..........
My head is spinning. I am not sure how this happened so fast. Late in the week I got a phone call from a National Television show asking if I would consider coming on to talk about a letter I wrote. I told them that I would be willing if the person I wrote the letter about was also willing. Since she also wrote a letter, I thought it was possible she would agree. I do not know what her letter said, I don't even know what my letter said! I wrote the letter in a moment of frustration and hit send. I sent it out into Cyberspace and thought that was the end of it. National Television shows do not call me, that happens to other people.
What I want you all to remember during this journey is that the people on this show are real. They have found themselves in situations that need resolved. Situations where there are no other avenues left. If I had the money and resources to investigate on my own I would. I had to go to someone with a small army, a big budget and the means to find answers. These answers are not for me. They are for a friend, our larger group of friends who have been worried and the family of my friend. We all have questions. We all have concerns. If after all is said and done my friend needs help with healing, this show will help. I would not have trusted this situation with just any show. I only wrote to one.
With that said, my blogging about the situation for the next few days will be about my journey. This is from my perspective. My friend is on a separate journey and soon we will meet up in LA where we will find answers.
It seems things on talk shows happen very quickly. At least in my case they do. I don't know if this is the norm because things like this don't happen to me. I received a call on Wednesday asking if I was interested in talking further. On Thursday I was told my friend was in and that they wanted to do a phone interview with me. The phone interview was a long series of questions from my address, to personal questions, have I been incarcerated, do I have any big tattoos that aren't covered by my clothing, etc. It was a bit weird, but I answered the questions and wondered where this was leading. On Friday I was e-mailed documents to sign and send back; later that day I was told I would be flown to LA on Monday. On Saturday I was told my flight times. Today I received my itinerary, tomorrow I leave.
I don't know about everyone else, but I live paycheck to paycheck. I wish I could have budgeted for a trip to LA. The show will pay for air, hotel and meals. I don't need to worry about those things. I do have all day Tuesday on my own to explore. What do you do in LA on a budget for one day all alone? I will have to see what my mood is on Tuesday. I may people watch at Santa Monica pier, I may go check out the Stars on the walk of Fame.
The show assigns a person to you who calls to talk, to ask questions, to answer questions and to put you at ease. I have been assigned to a very nice young guy who has all of the patience in the world. He has to listen to me ramble and talk to me like we are old friends. I love talking to people and can just talk away, I have no clue what he is really thinking. He is polite, funny and reassuring, so he is doing his job well. I hope they pay him good and that he climbs the ladder. I do wonder if they ever get any time off since he has had to talk to me several times since Thursday night. He is there to put me at ease if I completely freak out. I am trying so hard not to freak out on him.
I had to talk to him about clothes cause I am a girl and I am going on TV. I hate worrying about how I am going to look. It isn't about me. Still I am putting myself out there and I don't want to look super awful. What if the lighting is weird and my teeth look green? What if I break out in stress acne tomorrow morning on my flight? What if my already chunky frame looks ten times bigger on TV? Who cares--- I am a 47 year old soccer mom who has a family who loves me and an army of friends who probably like me or at the very least are entertained by me. I will survive. It is just surreal. LA is a foreign country to me. I asked if I could wear jeans and tennis shoes. I was told I needed to dress professional/casual. He suggested slacks. Chunky girls need just the right slacks. The slacks in my closet would all look awesome on me if I could lose 15 pounds. I don't think I will lose 15 pounds by tomorrow. I wish. Not happening, so I had to go slack shopping. Slack shopping sucks!! Try saying that three times fast. It doesn't help when your co-pilot on the slack shopping exhibition is your size 1 daughter. Help me......I used to be a cute, skinny thing that looked good in anything. I had to tell a guy from Hollywood that I weigh over 200 pounds. That isn't a weight any woman wants to be, but it is where I am at. The thing is that 215-220 pounds is big, but it isn't huge. In the books I read they say things like she was grossly obese, over 200 pounds for sure. No--grossly obese is way over 200 pounds. Yes, I am losing it.
I leave Portland at noon tomorrow and fly to Burbank. I will be picked up and whisked to a studio in order to do a taped interview. For tomorrow I am supposed to do my own hair and make-up. Scary thought. This is me, the girl who barely ever wears make-up though I should. I have eye-liner. That is my usual make-up. I fight with my hair most days. It could use a good color. I don't want to color it tonight, if I do, it will be very bright tomorrow. Maybe I should. I don't know. I am freaking out. No, I am not going to call my show contact and ask him if I should color my hair. I am not high maintenance, why am I acting like it?? After buying my slacks last night I decided I needed some foundation. I don't buy foundation. I was at JC Penneys, not a high end store. I figured I could just buy foundation there and save myself the extra trip over to Target. Why didn't I go to Target??? I asked the girl about foundation. She asked me some kind of make up questions that were totally foreign to me and I just gave her a blank stare. I said I didn't like wearing make up and that I wanted something that was light, but covered whatever needed to be covered. She directed me to a foundation and told me it was just what I was looking for. I took it up to the counter along with my jeans and some water proof eye liner. I know I'm going to cry. I cry watching the news. They rang the purchase up and I was a little floored by the total. I tried to be cool though. I smiled and took my bag. As soon as I got around the corner I pulled out the receipt. Who the Hell pays $46 for a bottle of foundation??? I better look at least 10 years younger on tape tomorrow. Oh and 10 pounds lighter too! It was Penneys!! My daughter asked if we should return it. The smart answer would have been Yes! But no, I was to embarrassed to take it right back and decided that since I probably won't buy more for a few years, this bottle will last me. God help me when my husband finds out I spent that much on a bottle of make-up.
I need to quit rambling and go pack. I don't know if I will blog from LA. I only have my new I Phone with me, no computer. I am sure I can blog on the I phone if I can figure it out. May or may not find the time. I realize this post is all over the place. Like I said, my head is spinning.
What I want you all to remember during this journey is that the people on this show are real. They have found themselves in situations that need resolved. Situations where there are no other avenues left. If I had the money and resources to investigate on my own I would. I had to go to someone with a small army, a big budget and the means to find answers. These answers are not for me. They are for a friend, our larger group of friends who have been worried and the family of my friend. We all have questions. We all have concerns. If after all is said and done my friend needs help with healing, this show will help. I would not have trusted this situation with just any show. I only wrote to one.
With that said, my blogging about the situation for the next few days will be about my journey. This is from my perspective. My friend is on a separate journey and soon we will meet up in LA where we will find answers.
It seems things on talk shows happen very quickly. At least in my case they do. I don't know if this is the norm because things like this don't happen to me. I received a call on Wednesday asking if I was interested in talking further. On Thursday I was told my friend was in and that they wanted to do a phone interview with me. The phone interview was a long series of questions from my address, to personal questions, have I been incarcerated, do I have any big tattoos that aren't covered by my clothing, etc. It was a bit weird, but I answered the questions and wondered where this was leading. On Friday I was e-mailed documents to sign and send back; later that day I was told I would be flown to LA on Monday. On Saturday I was told my flight times. Today I received my itinerary, tomorrow I leave.
I don't know about everyone else, but I live paycheck to paycheck. I wish I could have budgeted for a trip to LA. The show will pay for air, hotel and meals. I don't need to worry about those things. I do have all day Tuesday on my own to explore. What do you do in LA on a budget for one day all alone? I will have to see what my mood is on Tuesday. I may people watch at Santa Monica pier, I may go check out the Stars on the walk of Fame.
The show assigns a person to you who calls to talk, to ask questions, to answer questions and to put you at ease. I have been assigned to a very nice young guy who has all of the patience in the world. He has to listen to me ramble and talk to me like we are old friends. I love talking to people and can just talk away, I have no clue what he is really thinking. He is polite, funny and reassuring, so he is doing his job well. I hope they pay him good and that he climbs the ladder. I do wonder if they ever get any time off since he has had to talk to me several times since Thursday night. He is there to put me at ease if I completely freak out. I am trying so hard not to freak out on him.
I had to talk to him about clothes cause I am a girl and I am going on TV. I hate worrying about how I am going to look. It isn't about me. Still I am putting myself out there and I don't want to look super awful. What if the lighting is weird and my teeth look green? What if I break out in stress acne tomorrow morning on my flight? What if my already chunky frame looks ten times bigger on TV? Who cares--- I am a 47 year old soccer mom who has a family who loves me and an army of friends who probably like me or at the very least are entertained by me. I will survive. It is just surreal. LA is a foreign country to me. I asked if I could wear jeans and tennis shoes. I was told I needed to dress professional/casual. He suggested slacks. Chunky girls need just the right slacks. The slacks in my closet would all look awesome on me if I could lose 15 pounds. I don't think I will lose 15 pounds by tomorrow. I wish. Not happening, so I had to go slack shopping. Slack shopping sucks!! Try saying that three times fast. It doesn't help when your co-pilot on the slack shopping exhibition is your size 1 daughter. Help me......I used to be a cute, skinny thing that looked good in anything. I had to tell a guy from Hollywood that I weigh over 200 pounds. That isn't a weight any woman wants to be, but it is where I am at. The thing is that 215-220 pounds is big, but it isn't huge. In the books I read they say things like she was grossly obese, over 200 pounds for sure. No--grossly obese is way over 200 pounds. Yes, I am losing it.
I leave Portland at noon tomorrow and fly to Burbank. I will be picked up and whisked to a studio in order to do a taped interview. For tomorrow I am supposed to do my own hair and make-up. Scary thought. This is me, the girl who barely ever wears make-up though I should. I have eye-liner. That is my usual make-up. I fight with my hair most days. It could use a good color. I don't want to color it tonight, if I do, it will be very bright tomorrow. Maybe I should. I don't know. I am freaking out. No, I am not going to call my show contact and ask him if I should color my hair. I am not high maintenance, why am I acting like it?? After buying my slacks last night I decided I needed some foundation. I don't buy foundation. I was at JC Penneys, not a high end store. I figured I could just buy foundation there and save myself the extra trip over to Target. Why didn't I go to Target??? I asked the girl about foundation. She asked me some kind of make up questions that were totally foreign to me and I just gave her a blank stare. I said I didn't like wearing make up and that I wanted something that was light, but covered whatever needed to be covered. She directed me to a foundation and told me it was just what I was looking for. I took it up to the counter along with my jeans and some water proof eye liner. I know I'm going to cry. I cry watching the news. They rang the purchase up and I was a little floored by the total. I tried to be cool though. I smiled and took my bag. As soon as I got around the corner I pulled out the receipt. Who the Hell pays $46 for a bottle of foundation??? I better look at least 10 years younger on tape tomorrow. Oh and 10 pounds lighter too! It was Penneys!! My daughter asked if we should return it. The smart answer would have been Yes! But no, I was to embarrassed to take it right back and decided that since I probably won't buy more for a few years, this bottle will last me. God help me when my husband finds out I spent that much on a bottle of make-up.
I need to quit rambling and go pack. I don't know if I will blog from LA. I only have my new I Phone with me, no computer. I am sure I can blog on the I phone if I can figure it out. May or may not find the time. I realize this post is all over the place. Like I said, my head is spinning.
Not Quite Ready For Prime Time........
Sometimes there is so much going on in my life and my mind that the only way for me to get it out is to write. I am not sure how much of this ongoing story I am supposed to share with the world, so I have to tread lightly. The story is not my own. I have been on a private journey shared with only a few friends for the past year. We have been trying to help a close friend who we feel is being manipulated and cheated. The problem is that our friend doesn't agree with us. She has told us time and again that she is fine and that we need to back off. She wants us to be happy for her and to support her. We love her and want to give her all of the support in the world, but we can't. Are we bad friends? I don't think so. I think we are loving friends who want nothing but the best for one another. We have been on a roller coaster. I have been kicked off several times. A few times I have walked away. This makes me feel really bad because I should have stood firm from the start and found a way to get through. I just want to her to see things through my eyes. I guess that is ironic since I have not been able to see things through hers. We are at a stand off. I don't want to lose a friendship that has lasted almost 40 years. I want my friend to find some answers, seek the truth, accept whatever that truth is and then live happily ever after. Sappy, yes, but that is how I am. I want everyone to be happy. I can't help it. I am like a damn Golden Retriever who just wants the world to love me, for everyone to get a long and for everyone to be happy--especially my friends! I know I am being vague--I have to be. As I said, this isn't my story to tell. I have made several mistakes this past year in not being there more, for isolating her further by leaving her alone. In my defense, she asked me to. I should have been just as stubborn as she is and stood my ground. I hate confrontation, so it was easier for me to walk away. I have had to stand by my belief in this situation; my intuition and everything in my heart tells me that this person is out to hurt my friend. I know she is a grown woman and can take care of herself. That doesn't stop my from wanting to hunt him down and kick him though. I want to tell him that he has screwed with her mind enough and that he needs to just go away. I don't understand people who prey on the lonely and brokenhearted. My friend shouldn't have been lonely--I should have been there. I cannot even fathom people who seek out those who are vulnerable and take advantage of them. If I would have been a better friend maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to seek comfort from a stranger. I can beat myself up and berate myself all day, but that doesn't change anything.
This week I will see this journey through to the next phase. I hope it is the last phase. I am hoping for answers for both of us. That we will be able to face this situation head on, be given the facts and be able to move on. Will we be stronger and closer when it is said and done? I hope so, but there are no guarantees. I am scared. Maybe when it is all said and done she will blame me somehow if things don't go as planned. I am the one who instigated this show down. I am the one who wrote a letter out of sheer frustration to a national television show asking for help. I honestly didn't think my letter would ever be read. I only wrote the letter because she said she was going to write one. It was one of those childish moments. She wanted to prove me wrong so she said she would write this letter. I said fine, if you are going to write a letter to prove me wrong, then I am going to write one too and prove that I am right. The problem in proving right or wrong here is that my friend may end up getting hurt worse than she has already been hurt. If she is wrong, then everything she has believed in this past year will be out there for the world to see. I don't want her judged. I would give anything to be wrong. This is not a situation where I need to be proved right just to stoke my ego and say "see how smart I am". If I am right, then she needs help healing and I want that healing to start now. I want her to get her life back, heal wounded friendships and family relationships. I want her to be happy with who she is and be able to be proud. I don't want her to be ashamed, embarrassed or beaten down. Being on television in general is outside of my comfort zone. I find television/movies/music all very fascinating, but if I were to work in any of those mediums it would be behind the scenes.
On Monday I will board a plane to LA. I am still a small town girl who enjoys my jeans, tennis shoes and the comforts of home. I had a lot going this week, but it has all be rearranged and postponed. My main objective in all of this is to help my friend. I am worried that I will get tongue tied, that I will giggle because I giggle when I'm nervous and that can be embarrassing. My latest weight loss attempts have brought minor successes, but I am still chunky and no one wants to go on National Television being chunky. I am not usually vain, but LA seems to bring that out in a person. I don't want to be affected. I don't want to be Star Struck, I want to keep my focus, appear somewhat intelligent, say the things I need to say and come home knowing that I did the best I could. I want to be able to blog about my LA experience in my quirky manner. I am not sure if I will have to sign waivers saying I can't blog or share information. I don't know how any of this works. The few people that I have talked to about his have asked me if I am being compensated, if my meals are paid for, when the show will air and a zillion other things I have no clue about. I haven't wanted to ask those questions. I am not in this for anything but to help. I wish I could help from behind the camera and not have to appear in front of it. I wish I had the resources that this show has. I don't have the technology to prove anything good or bad about this person in my friend's life. This show is the only option I have to get answers, to get help and to get my friend to listen. I am not even sure if I was supposed to post this blog. I tried to keep the details to a minimum. Just enough for me to let off a bit of stress. I know you will have questions. Please do not as me anything until next week. I will follow up this blog with others if and when I am able to.
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