Not Quite Ready For Prime Time........

Sometimes there is so much going on in my life and my mind that the only way for me to get it out is to write. I am not sure how much of this ongoing story I am supposed to share with the world, so I have to tread lightly. The story is not my own.  I have been on a private journey shared with only a few friends for the past year.  We have been trying to help a close friend who we feel is being manipulated and cheated.  The problem is that our friend doesn't agree with us.  She has told us time and again that she is fine and that we need to back off.  She wants us to be happy for her and to support her.  We love her and want to give her all of the support in the world, but we can't.  Are we bad friends?  I don't think so.  I think we are loving friends who want nothing but the best for one another.  We have been on a roller coaster.  I have been kicked off several times.  A few times I have walked away.  This makes me feel really bad because I should have stood firm from the start and found a way to get through.  I just want to her to see things through my eyes.  I guess that is ironic since I have not been able to see things through hers.  We are at a stand off.  I don't want to lose a friendship that has lasted almost 40 years.  I want my friend to find some answers, seek the truth, accept whatever that truth is and then live happily ever after.  Sappy, yes, but that is how I am.  I want everyone to be happy.  I can't help it.  I am like a damn Golden Retriever who just wants the world to love me, for everyone to get a long and for everyone to be happy--especially my friends!  I know I am being vague--I have to be.  As I said, this isn't my story to tell.  I have made several mistakes this past year in not being there more, for isolating her further by leaving her alone.   In my defense, she asked me to.  I should have been just as stubborn as she is and stood my ground.  I hate confrontation, so it was easier for me to walk away.  I have had to stand by my belief in this situation; my intuition and everything in my heart tells me that this person is out to hurt my friend.  I know she is a grown woman and can take care of herself.  That doesn't stop my from wanting to hunt him down and kick him though.  I want to tell him that he has screwed with her mind enough and that he needs to just go away. I don't understand people who prey on the lonely and brokenhearted.  My friend shouldn't have been lonely--I should have been there. I cannot even fathom people who seek out those who are vulnerable and take advantage of them.  If I would have been a better friend maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to seek comfort from a stranger. I can beat myself up and berate myself all day, but that doesn't change anything.

This week I will see this journey through to the next phase.  I hope it is the last phase.  I am hoping for answers for both of us.  That we will be able to face this situation head on, be given the facts and be able to move on.  Will we be stronger and closer when it is said and done?  I hope so, but there are no guarantees.  I am scared.  Maybe when it is all said and done she will blame me somehow if things don't go as planned.  I am the one who instigated this show down.  I am the one who wrote a letter out of sheer frustration to a national television show asking for help.  I honestly didn't think my letter would ever be read.  I only wrote the letter because she said she was going to write one.  It was one of those childish moments.  She wanted to prove me wrong so she said she would write this letter.  I said fine, if you are going to write a letter to prove me wrong, then I am going to write one too and prove that I am right.  The problem in proving right or wrong here is that my friend may end up getting hurt worse than she has already been hurt.  If she is wrong, then everything she has believed in this past year will be out there for the world to see.  I don't want her judged.  I would give anything to be wrong.  This is not a situation where I need to be proved right just to stoke my ego and say "see how smart I am".  If I am right, then she needs help healing and I want that healing to start now. I want her to get her life back, heal wounded friendships and family relationships.  I want her to be happy with who she is and be able to be proud.  I don't want her to be ashamed, embarrassed or beaten down.  Being on television in general is outside of my comfort zone.  I find television/movies/music all very fascinating, but if I were to work in any of those mediums it would be behind the scenes.  

On Monday I will board a plane to LA.   I am still a small town girl who enjoys my jeans, tennis shoes and the comforts of home.  I had a lot going this week, but it has all be rearranged and postponed.  My main objective in all of this is to help my friend.  I am worried that I will get tongue tied, that I will giggle because I giggle when I'm nervous and that can be embarrassing.  My latest weight loss attempts have brought minor successes, but I am still chunky and no one wants to go on National Television being chunky.   I am not usually vain, but LA seems to bring that out in a person.  I don't want to be affected.  I don't want to be Star Struck,  I want to keep my focus, appear somewhat intelligent, say the things I need to say and come home knowing that I did the best I could.  I want to be able to blog about my LA experience in my quirky manner. I am not sure if I will have to sign waivers saying I can't blog or share information.  I don't know how any of this works.  The few people that I have talked to about his have asked me if I am being compensated, if my meals are paid for, when the show will air and a zillion other things I have no clue about.  I haven't wanted to ask those questions.  I am not in this for anything but to help.  I wish I could help from behind the camera and not have to appear in front of it.  I wish I had the resources that this show has.  I don't have the technology to prove anything good or bad about this person in my friend's life.  This show is the only option I have to get answers, to get help and to get my friend to listen.   I am not even sure if I was supposed to post this blog.  I tried to keep the details to a minimum.  Just enough for me to let off a bit of stress.  I know you will have questions.  Please do not as me anything until next week.  I will follow up this blog with others if and when I am able to.