Broken Beyond Repair...........

When I was young I wanted to be many things--a cowgirl, a movie star, a writer but most of all I wanted to be a mother.   Some of us are born with some type of natural mothering instinct that makes us want to nurture the world.  From a young age I collected strays whether they were animals or people.  I believed that enough love could make a difference with any living thing.  Give them kindness, show them love and give them self worth--isn't that what mothering is all about?  I have since learned that even though motherhood comes with many joys, it also comes with a million little heartaches.

As I read the headlines this morning about the Boston Marathon Bombings and the aftermath I am saddened on so many levels.  The bombers were young men, someones sons.  Their faces do not betray the anger and hatred that they must have felt in order to commit a crime so heinous.  We want evil to be ugly, foreign and recognizable.  Yes, the boys were foreign, but they looked like any other young American men who would be out walking in the crowd that day.  There was nothing about them that screamed "danger".  They packed their backpacks with the intent to kill and were able to carry out their plan even as they walked among smiling people, families and children. I am completely unable to understand such disregard for human life.

My heart breaks for the families of those killed, for the families of those whose fates are still hanging in the balance--there are still victims in critical condition.  Numerous limbs were lost, traumatic injuries suffered and lives were changed.  The repercussions of this event have been felt around the world.  There is a ripple effect that will effect business, travel and major events in the future.  Already this week my company has felt the effect of terrorism.  Three summer high school groups from China have cancelled their yearly trips because they do not feel safe coming to America.  One of those killed was a Chinese Grad Student.  I cannot fathom anyone feeling that America isn't safe.  Is anywhere safe anymore?  Unfortunately terrorists come in all shapes, sizes, color and ages.   They are men and women.  I won't even try to understand what motivates them.  What can really be gained by anger, fear and hatred?  We may not live in the world that George Orwell painted in his book 1984, but Big Brother is watching.  There are cameras, satellites, and computers everywhere.  People have cellphones that send photos instantly.  We have information and images faster and sharper than ever before.  What did these young men hope to gain?  They had to know that the outcome would not be good.  You may be able to blend in and be invisible for a short time, but the world has gotten smaller and finding those who want to be lost has gotten easier.

I have to think of their mother.  The woman whose heart is broken beyond repair.  The mother is always blamed.  It doesn't matter how much she loved, how well she nurtured, in the end they made their own decisions.  Whenever a violent act is committed we want to understand why.  We would like to blame abuse, bullying, a terrible childhood.  There are millions of people who have undergone some sort of abuse, who have been bullied and who will claim they had a terrible childhood whether they did or not.  What is the definition of a terrible childhood?  There are people who have had horrific things happen to them, people who can honestly say they their childhood was terrible.  There are others who got cut from a team, didn't get to go to Disneyland, had hand me down clothes or who didn't get the luxury item they wanted.  Those people may claim to have had terrible childhoods as well.  Everything is defined by the perspective of an individual.  If you interviewed an entire family everyone would have a different perspective.  In the end what you do with your life, the decisions you make are completely up to you.  They had a choice. They had a choice all the way up until the explosions happened.  They chose death and destruction.  Their lives were forfeit the moment they detonated the bombs.  Young men with a lifetime of possibilities in front of them and they threw it all away.  

I am no longer young, but I am not old yet either.  I am still trying to decide what I want to do with my life.  My greatest accomplishment has been being a mother.  I love my children with all of my heart.  I pray that they will make good decisions.  I pray that they will understand about perspectives, choices and possibilities. I also hope that they understand that sometimes it is too late.  We like to say that it is never too late to change, but there is a moment in time when you have a choice to make.  If you choose wrong it very well could be too late.  Sometimes you can be broken beyond repair and that is beyond sad............

Awkward Poking.........

For the most part I really enjoy Facebook and the opportunities it gives me to keep up with friends, relatives and former exchange students.  Being connected is a wonderful thing that makes life easier for those of us who are wired to be social beings.  I love people--I always have.  I like their stories and knowing that they are happy in their lives.  I like being able to say hello, offering a kind word here and there and sharing sorrows and joy.  I know that many people are more private about their lives than I am and would rather not have everything broadcast on the Internet.  I try to be respectful.  Some parts of Facebook are annoying though.  Of course they have to have advertising, so the ads are a minor annoyance.  The games and apps that want you to give out all of the names and info of your friends are a bit much.  My friends don't want to be hit with thousands of requests.  If I want to play a game, I play it.  I only have so  much time in a day so limit what games and how often I play.  The thing that I hate the most is the whole "Poking" thing.  It is just creepy.

I am not trying to hurt any ones feelings.  If you have poked me, you don't have to apologize.  Just don't expect to ever get poked back.  I don't want to encourage anyone. I had a mean uncle in Texas who loved to make me cry.  Okay, maybe that is just my perception of him and he was really an awesome guy who thought he was being funny.  I only remember trying to avoid him at all costs.  He would pull my hair and poke me. My only other memory of him is of him putting me on a cow so it would buck me off.  I think he wanted to show my parents that he could catch  me.  Thank God he did or I would  need even  more therapy!  He was a regular comedian--not.  I hated being poked. Why can't people smile at you or just say hi?  Why must they poke you?

I am not poked often. Probably because I am not a "come hither" and poke me kind of gal.   I know that those who poke me are just trying to say hi or that they are thinking of me.  I would rather get a short note or a like than a poke.  Recently in Portland there was a news story about a woman who was "attacked".  The story said that the woman was walking when a man said she dropped something.  When she bent to check he rubbed himself up against her in a very inappropriate way.  In my mind I picture my puppy going around trying to hump things.  Not pretty.   I guess he was trying to "poke" her.   My husband and I got into a debate because he claimed that wasn't an attack.  He says attacks are when people get beat up or hurt.  He says that she wasn't actually hurt.  I beg to differ.  I say that there is a broad spectrum of what can be called an attack and what else could it be called?  Of course he had suggestions but I'm not going there.

So while Facebook "poking" is just supposed to be a friendly hello, I shy away.  If I don't poke you back it isn't because I don't like you it is because of my perception of the word.  I see mean uncles, creepy perverts and mischievous little gnomes who delight in seeing you squirm.  Yes, being poked makes me feel dirty.  I am not a prude even though I sound like an old buttoned up maiden aunt who looks down her nose at silly fun sexual innuendos. Hello--I have the mind of a 13 year old boy and am always giggling at inappropriate thoughts.  I am no angel, I just say no to poking.  Maybe I should drink a little wine and go poking all of my Facebook friends.  I have a feeling that over half of them would find that creepy!  I can hear my son's friends telling him "Dude, you're mom poked me on Facebook~that is just so wrong!".  Facebook seems to always be changing and evolving, you would think that they could come up with something a little more creative than a poke.

Just my little tangent of the day~Poke away if you must, but you have to admit it is a little awkward.......

Funky Monkey Brain Blues............

My meditation instructor told us that occasionally the mind jumps around from thought to thought and you can't concentrate because there is so much going on in there.  He called it "Monkey Brain".  Hello---occasionally??  I beg to differ.  Welcome to my brain.  I have "Monkey Brain" all day, everyday.  My brain is filled with useless information that I will never need but refuses to compute foreign languages, complex  math problems or even remember my kids' cell phone numbers. I can sing along to thousands of songs whose words are somewhere floating around up there but I can't remember how to defrag my computer even though I have been shown several times.   We are all wired so differently.  My wires must be connected to some sort of useful skill.  When I am awake I am trying to figure out jobs that have flexible schedules, how we are going to pay for our trip to Brazil, how I'm going to lose weight, how I'm going to finish my novel and the list goes on.  I get myself so busy thinking that I forget to actually do things. Okay, I do get some things done.  I am coordinating a group and that is another worry.  Finding host families is no fun, I spend hours going through my head who may know someone that  might be interested in  hosting.  I am amazed at the people who think their kids are too young or their house is too small.  We started hosting when our kids were 1, 3 and 5 and we lived in a tiny house.  Our exchange students have always shared a room with our kids.  It has always worked out and we have enjoyed it 90% of the time.  Sorry, off track as usual which is the story of my life.  I can't stay on track.  I can't finish one thought before another comes barging in.   I spend  my days juggling and multi-tasking.  Sometimes I overwhelm myself so much all that I can do it take a nap.  When I sleep, I dream.  My dreams are vivid technicolor affairs full of people and places and weird plots.  I dream of the past, I dream of people I know now, I dream I am someone else and am surrounded by strangers who I seem to know.  I wake up with just bits and pieces lingering that I can't quite hold onto.  

Meditation seems to be the only thing so far that helps calm  my "Monkey Brain".  Of course I seldom find time in my day to actually meditate.  I forget to meditate because my brain is too busy trying to save the world and find something useful on Pinterest.   It has been on my "to do" list for three years now to start hiking and to do yoga.  I haven't found time for either.  I think it is time to take technology breaks.  Maybe this face paced, Internet driven world is just putting me on overload.  I have fallen into a weird funk that just leaves me tired and zaps my motivation.  I have great ideas, hundreds of them.  I have great intentions and a few aspirations.  Without motivation they are just more space debris circling my brain.   Motivation is the key.  What motivates me? Good question.  It can't be cookies or sushi anymore because food rewards will not help decrease my waistline.  New shoes cost money and until I have another job I need to watch the spending. A closet full of new shoes will  not get me to Brazil.  Okay, Brazil,  that will be my motivation.  If I want to enjoy my time in Brazil I need to get my life together.  I need to do more and think less.  Does that even begin to make sense?  I need to put my thoughts into actions.  If I am going to think about doing Yoga I may as well think about it while I am doing it.  If I am going to think about hiking then go for a hike and think about it on the trail.  I need to stop thinking about cookies--they are not my friends and being a cookie slut has not contributed to my well being.  

This is why I haven't been blogging the past few weeks.  My mind is full of all of this stuff and I am stuck in some sort of really deep rut.  I know that I am capable of so much but there is some kind of weight on me that keeps me from really trying.  If I really try I may fail and who wants to fail?  Stupid attitude but that has to be what is going on deep down because why else would I sabotage everything I start?  I don't purposely sabotage it, I just lose interest because I swear I have A.D.D., or it becomes too much and I hand it off to someone else because they deserve to succeed more than I do.  Faulty logic, but I am digging deep here. I am trying to dissect what makes me shy away from taking chances.   I used to be fearless.  I would want to do something and would find away.  Then I got depressed, gained weight and decided that I wasn't worthy of success.  It seems that is a common thing.  We just don't really want to look at it so we keep our brain super busy so it doesn't dwell on how much time we have wasted beating ourselves up.   Thank God I can multi-task.  At least while I have been wasting time in some areas of my life I have made great strides in other areas.  I have awesome friends, have cultivated a few new interests and have a great family who puts up with my roller coaster emotions and quirky sense of humor.   Friends and family cheer me on and accept the weird plans I come up with such as traipsing through cemeteries at night, playing bingo with drag queens and flying off to LA to seek help from Dr. Phil.  

I guess what I am trying to achieve today is some kind of epiphany.  I will get one soon, I  know.  The awesome thought that puts everything into perspective and causes me to finally be able to rediscover, reinvent and rewrite my story.  Everything is about perspective.  I tell everyone to look at the good in themselves while I personally am battling those nasty voices that point out every single flaw I have on the inside and on the surface.  Keeping up with all of those flaws is time consuming and adds even more junk in the brain.  I need to change my perspective, tune out the nagging voice and recharge my batteries.  I know I can't banish the flying monkeys from my head, everyone has "Monkey Brain" occasionally .  I need to reign it in and stop it from overwhelming me.  All that energy can be turned into something positive.  I just need to find it and make it mine.