My meditation instructor told us that occasionally the mind jumps around from thought to thought and you can't concentrate because there is so much going on in there. He called it "Monkey Brain". Hello---occasionally?? I beg to differ. Welcome to my brain. I have "Monkey Brain" all day, everyday. My brain is filled with useless information that I will never need but refuses to compute foreign languages, complex math problems or even remember my kids' cell phone numbers. I can sing along to thousands of songs whose words are somewhere floating around up there but I can't remember how to defrag my computer even though I have been shown several times. We are all wired so differently. My wires must be connected to some sort of useful skill. When I am awake I am trying to figure out jobs that have flexible schedules, how we are going to pay for our trip to Brazil, how I'm going to lose weight, how I'm going to finish my novel and the list goes on. I get myself so busy thinking that I forget to actually do things. Okay, I do get some things done. I am coordinating a group and that is another worry. Finding host families is no fun, I spend hours going through my head who may know someone that might be interested in hosting. I am amazed at the people who think their kids are too young or their house is too small. We started hosting when our kids were 1, 3 and 5 and we lived in a tiny house. Our exchange students have always shared a room with our kids. It has always worked out and we have enjoyed it 90% of the time. Sorry, off track as usual which is the story of my life. I can't stay on track. I can't finish one thought before another comes barging in. I spend my days juggling and multi-tasking. Sometimes I overwhelm myself so much all that I can do it take a nap. When I sleep, I dream. My dreams are vivid technicolor affairs full of people and places and weird plots. I dream of the past, I dream of people I know now, I dream I am someone else and am surrounded by strangers who I seem to know. I wake up with just bits and pieces lingering that I can't quite hold onto.
Meditation seems to be the only thing so far that helps calm my "Monkey Brain". Of course I seldom find time in my day to actually meditate. I forget to meditate because my brain is too busy trying to save the world and find something useful on Pinterest. It has been on my "to do" list for three years now to start hiking and to do yoga. I haven't found time for either. I think it is time to take technology breaks. Maybe this face paced, Internet driven world is just putting me on overload. I have fallen into a weird funk that just leaves me tired and zaps my motivation. I have great ideas, hundreds of them. I have great intentions and a few aspirations. Without motivation they are just more space debris circling my brain. Motivation is the key. What motivates me? Good question. It can't be cookies or sushi anymore because food rewards will not help decrease my waistline. New shoes cost money and until I have another job I need to watch the spending. A closet full of new shoes will not get me to Brazil. Okay, Brazil, that will be my motivation. If I want to enjoy my time in Brazil I need to get my life together. I need to do more and think less. Does that even begin to make sense? I need to put my thoughts into actions. If I am going to think about doing Yoga I may as well think about it while I am doing it. If I am going to think about hiking then go for a hike and think about it on the trail. I need to stop thinking about cookies--they are not my friends and being a cookie slut has not contributed to my well being.
This is why I haven't been blogging the past few weeks. My mind is full of all of this stuff and I am stuck in some sort of really deep rut. I know that I am capable of so much but there is some kind of weight on me that keeps me from really trying. If I really try I may fail and who wants to fail? Stupid attitude but that has to be what is going on deep down because why else would I sabotage everything I start? I don't purposely sabotage it, I just lose interest because I swear I have A.D.D., or it becomes too much and I hand it off to someone else because they deserve to succeed more than I do. Faulty logic, but I am digging deep here. I am trying to dissect what makes me shy away from taking chances. I used to be fearless. I would want to do something and would find away. Then I got depressed, gained weight and decided that I wasn't worthy of success. It seems that is a common thing. We just don't really want to look at it so we keep our brain super busy so it doesn't dwell on how much time we have wasted beating ourselves up. Thank God I can multi-task. At least while I have been wasting time in some areas of my life I have made great strides in other areas. I have awesome friends, have cultivated a few new interests and have a great family who puts up with my roller coaster emotions and quirky sense of humor. Friends and family cheer me on and accept the weird plans I come up with such as traipsing through cemeteries at night, playing bingo with drag queens and flying off to LA to seek help from Dr. Phil.
I guess what I am trying to achieve today is some kind of epiphany. I will get one soon, I know. The awesome thought that puts everything into perspective and causes me to finally be able to rediscover, reinvent and rewrite my story. Everything is about perspective. I tell everyone to look at the good in themselves while I personally am battling those nasty voices that point out every single flaw I have on the inside and on the surface. Keeping up with all of those flaws is time consuming and adds even more junk in the brain. I need to change my perspective, tune out the nagging voice and recharge my batteries. I know I can't banish the flying monkeys from my head, everyone has "Monkey Brain" occasionally . I need to reign it in and stop it from overwhelming me. All that energy can be turned into something positive. I just need to find it and make it mine.
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