Monday, June 24, 2013
Blah Blog......
It seems that as we get older feeling good becomes a choice that we make. I know the things that I need to do to feel better and to have more energy. I need to eat a healthy diet, drink plenty of water and exercise. These things seem simple enough. The rewards of doing them are great. Why can't I wrap my mind around actually implementing them into my lifestyle? It seems I have to resort to self brain washing in order to even do one of these things on a daily basis. I want to feel good. I have spent the past three weeks feeling pretty.....crappy--that seems to be the best word at the moment. I have had headaches, stomach aches, back pain, chest pain and I am always tired. The doctor thinks that my gallbladder might be the culprit. They gave me medication for acid reflux and ordered an ultrasound. Since taking the medication I have felt increasingly worse. Today the chest pains were so bad that they wanted me to go to the ER. I didn't think this was necessary, but they said it was better to be safe than sorry. I spent 6.5 hours of my life in the ER today. I had a "to do" list a mile long. I had a lot to accomplish today. I didn't accomplish much of anything though. I was poked, prodded, x-rayed, poked again and then told that I was very healthy. Healthy?? I am overweight and having chest pains. They said they couldn't explain the chest pains but that I wasn't in jeopardy of dying today so I could go home. Thanks--couldn't I have spent my day running errands with my healthy chest pains? I believe that I need a complete and total life make over. I have needed this for awhile but every time I try I overwhelm myself and go back to old habits. I need to learn the art of starting small and working my way up to bigger and better things. They did tell me to reduce my stress. Stress is the leading cause of unexplained aches and pains. Stress does crazy things to the body. How do you de-stress when you do it subconsciously? My subconscious self doesn't listen very well. At least I'm not conscious of it listening. Then there is the fact that I am blogging about my aches and pains. That can't be good. There are a thousand other things I want to blog about. I just got stuck in the ER today so I couldn't blog. I could just sit there and quietly people watch. It seems Mondays at Kaiser are a busy day for EKG's. At least seven other people were there because of chest pains. All but one were sent on their way. We must all be stressed. They did give me this terrible tasting "GI" cocktail that was supposed to help if the pains were actually in my GI tract. It made me gag, but it didn't do a thing to make me feel better. I wonder if my body will go completely into shock if I try feeding it healthy food every day? I wonder what is healthy for my body. When I eat yogurt people say that dairy really isn't that good for you. When I eat whole wheat bread they tell me that it isn't really healthy and that I shouldn't eat carbs anyway. I guess I need to figure out what works for me. I have to say goodbye to fried foods, fast foods, my occasional Mt Dew and my addiction to ice cream. I need to embrace salads, fruits, veggies, chicken and fish. I have to quit looking at the damn yoga video and actually put it in and push play. I need to take my walking buddies up on walking and get back to water aerobics now that I have a weight belt and don't have to struggle with the killer noodle. I need to hold myself accountable. I have too many things to do to be sidetracked by mystery pains. I am going to make the choice to feel good. Hopefully my subconscious is listening..........
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Exorcising My Inner Insecure Teen...............................
I am getting pretty frustrated with the insecure teenage girl who occupies my brain on a part-time basis. She is whiny, annoying and so insecure that she totally makes me like want to barf. I am so done with her. There are many things that I want to accomplish this year, but she is holding me back. She likes to remind me that I only have a two year degree, that I have A.D.D. and that I get bored with mundane jobs. She tells me that I am uninteresting, not funny and that I should eat chocolate to alleviate my anxiety. The sad thing is I listen to her. Instead of sticking to my diet I eat a bowl of ice cream because it's easier to set yourself up for failure instead of actually succeeding. People expect you to fail, so you may as well prove them right. I also talk myself out of applying for jobs because obviously I don't have the exact skill set they are looking for. It is time for an exorcism. The insecure teenager has to be banished for good.
I spent a lot of years beating myself up over an abortion that I had in 1985. At the time it was painful, shameful and almost put me over the edge for good. It was something that I didn't believe in-it went against my nature. I didn't talk about it for a long time. I let it eat away at me from the inside because to admit to it would be admitting to being a horrible person with no morals. Society has a way of putting little labels on people. No one wants to be labeled. I learned that painful, shameful secrets can destroy you if you let them. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has moments in life that they are not proud of. We are human, we can't expect ourselves to be perfect. We stumble and fall--hopefully we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and try again. The majority of the population has been mislabeled by strangers who know absolutely nothing about the person they are labeling. I know that I have been branded with many different labels over the years. I can't let the labels that others choose to brand me with define who I really am. There is a little part of me that is stuck back in 1985 fighting demons that really should be laid to rest by now. It is time.
Last night I had a very realistic dream that stayed with me when I woke up this morning. Often times my dreams fade when I wake leaving me with just odd snippets of memory. I remember faces, bits of conversation and minor details. Many times when I dream I am not even in the dreams. I dream of other people and strange circumstances. Last night I was visited by a boy from 1985 and the daughter that was supposedly ours. Over the years I have pictured the baby that may have been. It has always been a brown haired boy with freckles and big brown eyes. The child in my dream was a blond girl with brilliant blue eyes who wanted to meet me. She appeared to be around four years old and had a very old soul. I was self conscious about meeting her because the boy was still a boy, she was a little girl and I was me as I am now. I feel old and fat. I feel that I could have accomplished great things but didn't. She had the boy tell me that my soul was beautiful and in the end that is all that matters.
Life has been good. I have a beautiful family and a roof over my head. There are financial struggles but we always make it. I have been blessed with wonderful friends who put up with my many moods, my strange sense of humor and my zany adventures. There is no room in my life for my overwhelming insecurity anymore. There are too many things that I want to accomplish. I can't keep holding myself back. My lack of self confidence affects my children who love me. They see me question my self worth and it makes them question their own. How can I tell them to be positive and that they are capable of doing great things when I can't believe it for myself? I can't let the opinions of strangers dictate how I feel about life. I say that I won't, but deep down being judged always affects me because I let it. I sometimes listen to the labels and start to wonder if they are true. I need to grow a thicker skin and stop listening to negative thoughts.
Let the exorcism begin--I will surround myself with affirmations, I will continue meditating and I will work on being who I want to be on the inside. If people aren't willing to look past the packaging then the loss is theirs. Just remember that judging too quickly can keep you from many things that are truly worthwhile. Don't put people in a box with fancy labels. Look for the good and know that no one deserves to be shoved into a one size fits all box. Most people do have an insecure teen residing somewhere in their subconscious minds. It is okay to let them go, you will be happier, healthier and more productive. I know that I plan to be.
I spent a lot of years beating myself up over an abortion that I had in 1985. At the time it was painful, shameful and almost put me over the edge for good. It was something that I didn't believe in-it went against my nature. I didn't talk about it for a long time. I let it eat away at me from the inside because to admit to it would be admitting to being a horrible person with no morals. Society has a way of putting little labels on people. No one wants to be labeled. I learned that painful, shameful secrets can destroy you if you let them. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has moments in life that they are not proud of. We are human, we can't expect ourselves to be perfect. We stumble and fall--hopefully we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and try again. The majority of the population has been mislabeled by strangers who know absolutely nothing about the person they are labeling. I know that I have been branded with many different labels over the years. I can't let the labels that others choose to brand me with define who I really am. There is a little part of me that is stuck back in 1985 fighting demons that really should be laid to rest by now. It is time.
Last night I had a very realistic dream that stayed with me when I woke up this morning. Often times my dreams fade when I wake leaving me with just odd snippets of memory. I remember faces, bits of conversation and minor details. Many times when I dream I am not even in the dreams. I dream of other people and strange circumstances. Last night I was visited by a boy from 1985 and the daughter that was supposedly ours. Over the years I have pictured the baby that may have been. It has always been a brown haired boy with freckles and big brown eyes. The child in my dream was a blond girl with brilliant blue eyes who wanted to meet me. She appeared to be around four years old and had a very old soul. I was self conscious about meeting her because the boy was still a boy, she was a little girl and I was me as I am now. I feel old and fat. I feel that I could have accomplished great things but didn't. She had the boy tell me that my soul was beautiful and in the end that is all that matters.
Life has been good. I have a beautiful family and a roof over my head. There are financial struggles but we always make it. I have been blessed with wonderful friends who put up with my many moods, my strange sense of humor and my zany adventures. There is no room in my life for my overwhelming insecurity anymore. There are too many things that I want to accomplish. I can't keep holding myself back. My lack of self confidence affects my children who love me. They see me question my self worth and it makes them question their own. How can I tell them to be positive and that they are capable of doing great things when I can't believe it for myself? I can't let the opinions of strangers dictate how I feel about life. I say that I won't, but deep down being judged always affects me because I let it. I sometimes listen to the labels and start to wonder if they are true. I need to grow a thicker skin and stop listening to negative thoughts.
Let the exorcism begin--I will surround myself with affirmations, I will continue meditating and I will work on being who I want to be on the inside. If people aren't willing to look past the packaging then the loss is theirs. Just remember that judging too quickly can keep you from many things that are truly worthwhile. Don't put people in a box with fancy labels. Look for the good and know that no one deserves to be shoved into a one size fits all box. Most people do have an insecure teen residing somewhere in their subconscious minds. It is okay to let them go, you will be happier, healthier and more productive. I know that I plan to be.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
January til June.........
In 2008 my daughter started high school with high hopes and big dreams. The year started with her playing JVII soccer, getting straight A's and enjoying the activities available at a big school. Her High School had over 2500 students. She loved there and wanted to experience everything. In late October, near the end of her soccer season she contracted Mono. I'm sure it wasn't from kissing boys; she was burning the candle at both ends. I suspect she was doing too much and her body needed a rest. Bouncing back was much harder than expected. It became more and more difficult for her to get out of bed in the morning. She began to change and she didn't like who she was becoming. In January she was called in to the counseling office because her grades were dropping and her teachers had started noticing the change. We made an appointment with her pediatrician and she was diagnosed with depression which she treated it like a death sentence. She didn't want depression, she wanted to be the way she used to be, she wanted to deal with it by staying in bed. Her high school counselor came to the rescue. He made a huge impact on her life. The counselor talked to her like she was an adult. He didn't make her feel that there was anything wrong with her. He explained that depression wasn't the end of the world, it was a natural chemical imbalance that many people treat successfully. He helped her to establish goals and cheered her on. He helped her through her freshman year and made solid plans for their continued work together for her sophomore year. She went into the summer full of hope and feeling like she was in control.
When we arrived at registration in August to prepare for the new year she was told that her counselor was out on medical leave. She would have an interim counselor but shouldn't worry because he would be back as soon as he was able. She kept her head up and went into the year trying to juggle her two loves--soccer and drama. They overlapped a little, but she was sure that she could handle it. In October we went to conference night and her teachers all had great things to say. We were told that her counselor was doing better and hoped to be back in his office at school by Christmas break. She was thrilled. That feeling of elation didn't last long. In late October Kelli's counselor was found dead in his car in state park. He had taken his own life. The counselor had been battling an issue that doctors couldn't seem to control. His adrenaline was going non stop and it was taking a toll on his organs. He couldn't sleep and was unable to think clearly. He was worried that his problem was draining their medical insurance and about what would be left over for his wife, their small daughter and the unborn baby? I do not believe he was able to think rationally about what he was doing. The results were tragic for everyone who cared about him. My daughter went into a spiral. Her depression was overtaking her again and she had lost the ally that she had formed at school.
We have had a roller coaster ride over the past 5 years. Some months are better than others. I will gain hope, then start worrying again because things can fall apart really quickly. Last week there was an assignment in her college communications class to give a commemorative speech about someone who has made an impact on your life. She didn't even have to think about who her speech was going to be about. She gave a beautiful speech about her beloved counselor who she still misses. In the speech she talked about how she only really knew him from January until June but during that time he gave her some tools that she will use for the rest of her life.
As part of this same communications class she had one last assignment for the term, she needed to go see a public speaker and do a paper rating that speaker. She had forgotten about this assignment. She'd had the entire term to complete it but now there were only a few days left and she had to come up with a public speaker soon in order to pass the class. I invited her along with me to a class being given by Renee Madsen, an area medium who I respect and adore. I have been to many of Renee's classes over the past few years. She is one of the happiest, most positive people that I have ever met. My Southern Baptist upbringing caused me some guilt at first. I was taught that mediums and psychics were satanic and that it was a grave sin to have anything to do with any of them. I wondered what the prophets were if not psychics. There are prophets throughout the Bible. I have also studied Edgar Cayce who has been labeled as a modern day prophet who was a very religious man. Renee believes in God. She brings a message of love, light and hope.
I had signed up for Renee's class because I planned to take my aunt. She had lost her husband the year before and has been grief stricken. Renee's class was on communicating with our lost loved ones. I wasn't sure if Renee could help my aunt or not and wasn't sure how my aunt would react to Renee. In the end my aunt ended up backing out but I couldn't because my daughter needed to see a public speaker and her professor had given the okay for this one. Renee's classes are two hours long. I enjoy them because I am interested in spirituality. My daughter is going through a phase where she doesn't believe in anything she can't see. She was definitely bored during the class. She was both physically and emotionally uncomfortable. She didn't love Renee, but she didn't hate her either. She just wanted the class over with so she could go home, write the paper and be done with it.
After the class I introduced Renee to my daughter. Renee asked her if she had noticed that during the class she was trying to tell her that there was a young man there for her. My daughter couldn't think of a young man who would be there from the spirit world and so didn't believe that Renee could have been talking about her. Renee said that the young man really wanted to let my daughter know that he was sorry. He didn't mean to leave the way that he did, it was beyond his control. He was amazed that so many people cared about him and that his passing caused so much grief. Renee said he had brown hair and was kind of goofy. One thing that you should know about my daughter's counselor is that even though he was 31 when he died, he had boyish features and could be taken for someone younger. He had a silly sense of humor as well. Renee went on to say that the young man didn't want my daughter to be so hard on herself. That she needed to try. He also told Renee to tell my daughter January til June. Renee had no clue what that meant but the young man said that my daughter would know. The speech my daughter gave to her communications class last week was not published. It was given to her class at CCC and read aloud to her boyfriend and me. We didn't talk about it to anyone. At this point my daughter still claims that she doesn't believe in things she can't see, but she does find it thought provoking that Renee told her January til June. Whether her counselor was there or not, the message that was given was one of hope that I believe he would have wanted her to hear. A message that reminds her that he thought she was worthwhile and she should view herself that way as well. It only takes a short time to make a big impact in someone's life. In my daughter's case it was 5 short months, but the lessons he left her with will last her lifetime.
When we arrived at registration in August to prepare for the new year she was told that her counselor was out on medical leave. She would have an interim counselor but shouldn't worry because he would be back as soon as he was able. She kept her head up and went into the year trying to juggle her two loves--soccer and drama. They overlapped a little, but she was sure that she could handle it. In October we went to conference night and her teachers all had great things to say. We were told that her counselor was doing better and hoped to be back in his office at school by Christmas break. She was thrilled. That feeling of elation didn't last long. In late October Kelli's counselor was found dead in his car in state park. He had taken his own life. The counselor had been battling an issue that doctors couldn't seem to control. His adrenaline was going non stop and it was taking a toll on his organs. He couldn't sleep and was unable to think clearly. He was worried that his problem was draining their medical insurance and about what would be left over for his wife, their small daughter and the unborn baby? I do not believe he was able to think rationally about what he was doing. The results were tragic for everyone who cared about him. My daughter went into a spiral. Her depression was overtaking her again and she had lost the ally that she had formed at school.
We have had a roller coaster ride over the past 5 years. Some months are better than others. I will gain hope, then start worrying again because things can fall apart really quickly. Last week there was an assignment in her college communications class to give a commemorative speech about someone who has made an impact on your life. She didn't even have to think about who her speech was going to be about. She gave a beautiful speech about her beloved counselor who she still misses. In the speech she talked about how she only really knew him from January until June but during that time he gave her some tools that she will use for the rest of her life.
As part of this same communications class she had one last assignment for the term, she needed to go see a public speaker and do a paper rating that speaker. She had forgotten about this assignment. She'd had the entire term to complete it but now there were only a few days left and she had to come up with a public speaker soon in order to pass the class. I invited her along with me to a class being given by Renee Madsen, an area medium who I respect and adore. I have been to many of Renee's classes over the past few years. She is one of the happiest, most positive people that I have ever met. My Southern Baptist upbringing caused me some guilt at first. I was taught that mediums and psychics were satanic and that it was a grave sin to have anything to do with any of them. I wondered what the prophets were if not psychics. There are prophets throughout the Bible. I have also studied Edgar Cayce who has been labeled as a modern day prophet who was a very religious man. Renee believes in God. She brings a message of love, light and hope.
I had signed up for Renee's class because I planned to take my aunt. She had lost her husband the year before and has been grief stricken. Renee's class was on communicating with our lost loved ones. I wasn't sure if Renee could help my aunt or not and wasn't sure how my aunt would react to Renee. In the end my aunt ended up backing out but I couldn't because my daughter needed to see a public speaker and her professor had given the okay for this one. Renee's classes are two hours long. I enjoy them because I am interested in spirituality. My daughter is going through a phase where she doesn't believe in anything she can't see. She was definitely bored during the class. She was both physically and emotionally uncomfortable. She didn't love Renee, but she didn't hate her either. She just wanted the class over with so she could go home, write the paper and be done with it.
After the class I introduced Renee to my daughter. Renee asked her if she had noticed that during the class she was trying to tell her that there was a young man there for her. My daughter couldn't think of a young man who would be there from the spirit world and so didn't believe that Renee could have been talking about her. Renee said that the young man really wanted to let my daughter know that he was sorry. He didn't mean to leave the way that he did, it was beyond his control. He was amazed that so many people cared about him and that his passing caused so much grief. Renee said he had brown hair and was kind of goofy. One thing that you should know about my daughter's counselor is that even though he was 31 when he died, he had boyish features and could be taken for someone younger. He had a silly sense of humor as well. Renee went on to say that the young man didn't want my daughter to be so hard on herself. That she needed to try. He also told Renee to tell my daughter January til June. Renee had no clue what that meant but the young man said that my daughter would know. The speech my daughter gave to her communications class last week was not published. It was given to her class at CCC and read aloud to her boyfriend and me. We didn't talk about it to anyone. At this point my daughter still claims that she doesn't believe in things she can't see, but she does find it thought provoking that Renee told her January til June. Whether her counselor was there or not, the message that was given was one of hope that I believe he would have wanted her to hear. A message that reminds her that he thought she was worthwhile and she should view herself that way as well. It only takes a short time to make a big impact in someone's life. In my daughter's case it was 5 short months, but the lessons he left her with will last her lifetime.
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