Exorcising My Inner Insecure Teen...............................

I am getting pretty frustrated with the insecure teenage girl who occupies my brain on a part-time basis.  She is whiny, annoying and so insecure that she totally makes me like want to barf.   I am so done with her.  There are many things that I want to accomplish this year, but she is holding me back.  She likes to remind me that I only have a two year degree, that I have A.D.D. and that I get bored with mundane jobs.  She tells me that I am uninteresting, not funny and that I should eat chocolate to alleviate my anxiety.  The sad thing is I listen to her.  Instead of sticking to my diet I eat a bowl of ice cream because it's easier to set yourself up for failure instead of actually succeeding. People expect you to fail, so you may as well prove them right.   I also talk myself out of applying for jobs because obviously I don't have the exact skill set they are looking for.  It is time for an exorcism.  The insecure teenager has to be banished for good.

I spent a lot of years beating myself up over an abortion that I had in 1985.  At the time it was painful, shameful and almost put me over the edge for good.  It was something that I didn't believe in-it went against my nature.  I didn't talk about it for a long time.  I let it eat away at me from the inside because to admit to it would be admitting to being a horrible person with no morals.  Society has a way of putting little labels on people.  No one wants to be labeled.  I learned that painful, shameful secrets can destroy you if you let them. Everyone makes mistakes.  Everyone has moments in life that they are not proud of.  We are human, we can't expect ourselves to be perfect.  We stumble and fall--hopefully we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and try again. The majority of the population has been mislabeled by strangers who know absolutely nothing about the person they are labeling. I know that I have been branded with many different labels over the years.  I can't let the labels that others choose to brand me with define who I really am.  There is a little part of me that is stuck back in 1985 fighting demons that really should be laid to rest by now.  It is time.

Last night I had a very realistic dream that stayed with me when I woke up this morning.  Often times my dreams fade when I wake leaving me with just odd snippets of memory.  I remember faces, bits of conversation and minor details.  Many times when I dream I am not even in the dreams.  I dream of other people and strange circumstances.  Last night I was visited by a boy from 1985 and the daughter that was supposedly ours.  Over the years I have pictured the baby that may have been.  It has always been a brown haired boy with freckles and big brown eyes.  The child in my dream was a blond girl with brilliant blue eyes who wanted to meet me.  She appeared to be around four years old and had a very old soul.  I was self conscious about meeting her because the boy was still a boy, she was a little girl and I was me as I am now.  I feel old and fat.  I feel that I could have accomplished great things but didn't.  She had the boy tell me that my soul was beautiful and in the end that is all that matters.

Life has been good.  I have a beautiful family and a roof over my head.  There are financial struggles but we always make it.  I have been blessed with wonderful friends who put up with my many moods, my strange sense of humor and my zany adventures.  There is no room in my life for my overwhelming insecurity anymore. There are too many things that I want to accomplish.  I can't keep holding myself back.  My lack of self confidence affects my children who love me.  They see me question my self worth and it makes them question their own.   How can I tell them to be positive and that they are capable of doing great things when I can't believe it for myself?  I can't let the opinions of strangers dictate how I feel about life.  I say that I won't, but deep down being judged always affects me because I let it. I sometimes listen to the labels and start to wonder if they are true. I need to grow a thicker skin and stop listening to negative thoughts.

Let the exorcism begin--I will surround myself with affirmations, I will continue meditating and I will work on being who I want to be on the inside.  If people aren't willing to look past the packaging then the loss is theirs.  Just remember that judging too quickly can keep you from many things that are truly worthwhile.  Don't put people in a box with fancy labels.  Look for the good and know that no one deserves to be shoved into a one size fits all box.  Most people do have an insecure teen residing somewhere in their subconscious minds.  It is okay to let them go, you will be happier, healthier and more productive.  I know that I plan to be.