It has been a very rough week at our house. Forgive me for unpacking the baggage in my brain so that I can continue forward. I haven't blogged a lot in the past few months and my brain is clogged with all kinds of crap that is not conducive to staying positive. My daughter is so sick of hearing me lecture her like a "motivational speaker" but something has to motivate us. When you are stuck for months you find whatever it is that can get you out of the rut. My rut has become a huge gaping canyon and I need to claw my way out before I totally suffocate. Yes--dramatic. A little exaggeration helps me to laugh at myself which in turn makes things not seem so scary and overwhelming. I am not a drama queen by nature, but use it when I need to to defuse the ticking bomb in my head that starts up when I over think absolutely everything.
My quest for balance continues as I continually forget my own new Golden Rule of taking on less and enjoying life more. I do enjoy life, don't get me wrong. I choose things that interest me, I just choose too many at a time! Balance has been an issue all of my life in every sense of the word!! Balance challenge started young with physical balance when I tried to do gymnastics and ballet with my graceful little friends. I really did try but eventually accepted that I would never be graceful and moved on to other things. My over abundance of empathy and my need to be valued led me to the very stressful job of trying to please everyone. It takes a lot of juggling and a ton of patience to attempt the impossible task of bending over backwards. I spent so much time worrying about what other people thought that I lost track of what I think. It has been an interesting year spending time getting to know what it is that I like and what I want. Some times people get mad because I don't do what they expect of me. I have let those closest to me come to depend on me too much. I don't want to all of the sudden become unavailable, but I do need to step back and let them learn to make it without me there directing every step. This has not been a popular change, but it is a necessary one.
I feel like I have been on the hamster wheel for the past few years. I go in circles. I have hopes and dreams but I don't follow through because following through is scary. Following through could lead to a catastrophic fail. Failing is bad and landing on your ass hurts. The more I procrastinate the harder it gets to move forward. I believe that I have taught this behavior to my children and that kills me. Watching them struggle makes me feel that I have failed them somehow. I realize that they are now all old enough to choose their own paths, but did I give them any of the right tools? I tried to. Parenting is a huge responsibility and a hard job. You want your children, your marriage and your sanity to survive the journey without too much damage but some collateral damage is inevitable. We all come out with a few battle scars.
My desire to avoid conflict has not helped the situation. I can disappear for hours into a good book when the path gets too rocky for me. Avoiding unpleasant situations and blending in as to not stand out have been my coping mechanisms. I try so hard to sit quietly in the corner and not draw attention to myself. Unfortunately there is the other part of me that likes to entertain people with stories. I will be sitting there being good when all of the sudden I open my mouth and it won't shut up. Stuff spills out at 1000 miles per hour. I want the ground to swallow me up but it doesn't and I am left feeling awkward because all eyes are on me. I honestly meant to keep quiet. My kid used to think I was fun and cool. Now all of the sudden I shouldn't be taken in public. I hate the fact that my teenagers find me embarrassing. I know that they would rather me be quiet and act normal, but I'm not normal. I am damaged, self-conscious and stuck in a rut. I deal with things with humor. Yeah, I know sometimes that I am the only one who finds myself funny. My kids point it out often. I am supposed to nurture them and be gentle with their fragile self-esteem, but they aren't very gentle with mine.
I'm not sure what I want to do with the rest of my life. Who and what am I supposed to become? I have been a housewife/soccer mom for so long. My life was given freely to my children. Maybe too freely. The recent conflicts with my children are the natural pains of separation that come when it is almost time to leave the nest. Growing up is harder on them in some respects. Remember that I am exaggerating so they aren't as terrible to me as I say--most of the time. I am also not the worst mother in the world though I see plenty of flaws. How come hindsight has to be so clear? I could have used a crystal ball or some sort of map. Of course my children are all completely different from one another and do not follow any typical teen scenario. We wrote our own map and my intuition was the crystal ball. We have gotten us this far. I just hope that some day they will see that my motivational speeches were done in their best interest and that my quirky sense of humor kept them entertained on more than one occasion. I will continue the quest for balance, I will keep attempting to blend in and will let myself relax and become whatever it is I am meant to become. I am not ancient yet even though I feel like I am on some days. Getting old doesn't have to be a bad thing. I need to embrace it. I am hoping to some day be the "cool grandma" if my battle scarred children will allow me anywhere near my future grandchildren.
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