When it comes to Hell everyone has their own version of what it is. Some believe that we are actually in Hell right now as we speak living out our feeble existence while we attempt to work our way back into the good graces of the powers that be. Most of us were taught that Hell is a fiery inferno where we spend eternity burning along with millions of other dammed souls who deigned to unworthy. That means that our Loving God has filled the pit with tiny unbaptized souls mixed in with shoplifters, tax evaders, liars and mass murderers. The truly evil rubbing burning elbows with those whose only crime may have been ignorance. I have a hard time with the concept of Hell. I believe each individual has their own private Hell which looks completely different from the private Hell of most everyone around them. My husbands Hell would be filled with snakes, my daughters would have spiders--there are no video games in the Hell's of my sons. Blasphemous as I am, Hell to me is a Shopping Mall.
As a teen I'm sure that I flocked to shopping malls like they were Mecca--the land of milk and honey. The smell of fried food mixed in with perfume samples and sweaty bodies. The loud, boisterous energy of avid shoppers seeking nirvana in a pair of shoes or a purse. A place where the right pair of jeans could make me feel like I could conquer the world. Plastic cards could get me anything my heart desired and I had until the next billing cycle before I felt like crap and wondered what I was thinking. As I grew older the mall slowly became less of a fairy tale castle and more like the Nine Circles of Hell. Yesterday when I wanted to be home in my sweats I was forced to go to the Mall. It wasn't for anything I needed. My bank balance doesn't allow for me to need anything this week. To amuse myself as we tromped through the weekend shoppers I imagined the Nine Circles of Hell in my head and found them all around me.
The First Circle is limbo. A place between worlds where the unbaptized and virtuous pagans waste countless hours between paychecks wondering if that coveted pair of shoes will still be on sale next week. Between paychecks is a Hell unto itself when you live from one to the next in limbo. You dread the gas light, pray the milk will hold out and cringe when a necessity breaks, rips or dies making it impossible to keep from dipping into the bill money. Limbo is a place I know well and can usually be found since the coveted pair of shoes is not a necessity and wishing for them takes me into the Second Circle which is lust. Lusting for a pair of Converse. What kind of mother does that? Especially a mother of my age. I should have outgrown my lust for Converse twenty years ago. But no, Converse, Toms and cute flats all call my name from different stores as I try to keep my head down and eyes averted. Lusting for shoes drives me to the Third Circle which is Gluttony. I am a glutton for shoes it is true, but at the mall I am also be a glutton for Cinnabon, Jamba Juice and Sbarros and would gladly partake of all of them if my checkbook would allow it. Drinking a Peach Perfection Smoothie while dipping a hot slice of Sbarro cheese and mushroom pizza into ranch sauce and smelling the Cinnabon Mini which would be the scrumptious. For now it is a Hellish, Lustful, Gluttonous daydream because I am in the between paycheck limbo that takes up most of my life.
After Limbo, Lust and Gluttony comes Greed. Would I really be greedy enough to buy shoes and pig out at the mall when there are bills to pay? If I was greedy, yes. My greed for extra money to buy frivolous things when we have real needs makes me angry. Anger is fitting since it is the Fifth Circle of Hell. I spend a lot of time being angry at myself for not bringing in more extra money for wants instead of needs. The anger is not productive. It makes me lose all hope and all motivation. When I am not motivated I write blasphemous blogs in my head that take me in the sixth circle of heresy. My beliefs deviate too far from the norm to make me anything less than a heretic. As a heretic I will enter the sixth circle of Hell even though I haven't even left the mall. I am still here wishing for shoes, hungry for things that I can't have and angry that I didn't have the foresight to get a better paying job sooner. My violent thoughts of the Mall being Hell and all of the shoppers being burning zombies skirt me around the outside of the seventh circle which is violence. I am not really a violent person, so can't actually traipse through the center of this circle but I can see the violent nature of the Mall. The Mall is full of masses of unfriendly looking packs of rabid shoppers who just might tear one another limb for limb for the last pair of sparkly black Toms in a size 9 or that perfect pair of Chucks. Not me of course. I have patience and am used to just lustfully ogling them with greedy eyes.
The eighth circle is Fraud. Fraud runs rampant in the mall. I am a fraud for being a chunky middle aged woman wanting Chucks. I am a teenager trapped in this body that I would never have chosen for myself. If the real me was out in the open instead of this chunky imposter--she would be youngish, athletic and wearing Levi's, a t-shirt and Chucks. This chunky gal is a fraud. Probably most of the people here would rather be different so we are all frauds. Of course there are actual criminals at the mall as well. People more fraudulent than me and the other wishers. There are identity thieves, shoplifters, scammers and liars who actually reside in the Eighth Circle. Treachery is the Ninth and Final Circle of Hell. The mall is full of traitors. I am a traitor for even thinking about spending any extra money on myself. The other traitors can pig out at the food court, charge extravagant luxuries and pretend to be whoever they want. I walk out of the mall in a myriad of emotions that are all negative and unflattering. For a person trying to have a positive outlook on life I decide the Mall is definitely an unhealthy place for me. It reminds me of every flaw and personality trait that I loathe. Unfortunately I caught my reflection in a full length mirror as we were walking by and that is NEVER a good thing. Just being in the mall makes me grumpy and impatient. I survived the trip this time around. I am hoping that it will be several months before I am forced to forge my way through the Nine Circles of Hell again. There is only so much Hell I can take.
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