Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I wrote the most awesome blog. I was able to pinpoint exactly what I needed to say this week and I found the perfect words to portray exactly how I felt. I wrote it in my head and as I drifted off to sleep I hit the save button in my brain so that I could wake up this morning and type it all up on my computer. Unfortunately the save button in my brain has been malfunctioning more and more lately. It loses little words, names and thoughts now and then. It seems that my brain needs to be rebooted and could use a few upgrades as well. Now I will let my brain loose and let it ramble. Sorry that I am in such a self-depreciating mood. This one may not be pretty. I need to purge the negative so that I can start next week on a better note and accomplish the things I need to accomplish. We are all constantly growing and changing. Unfortunately growth and change can be painful. Letting go has always been hard for me.
Lately I feel more and more like I am stuck on a giant hamster wheel. I run hard each day but never get anywhere. The list of things that I want to implement into my life has not changed in three years. Those activities are still there waiting for me to find the time and space to fit them in. The number on the scale isn't changing, we are still living paycheck to paycheck and my energy level is still low because I am here in this rut and haven't tried hard enough to climb out. I am so frustrated with myself that I beat myself up each night instead of building myself up. The beat down really doesn't help the situation. Self confidence is not one of my strong points. Of course I said this all more eloquently in my head last night. In the light of day it isn't eloquent, it is stark reality and pretty words won't change what it is. I hold myself back from my own potential because it is easier to tread water here than to swim over to the unknown and possibly drown. A bit dramatic but true all the same. I know deep down that I am capable of so much more. I just let the perceptions of others drag me down. I look in the mirror and see the pale, puffy, middle aged woman that everyone else sees and forget that the outer package does not match what is inside. Those who know what is in there get frustrated when I get tripped up by the opinions of people who have no clue who I really am.
I have a tendency to overbook my life. I bury myself in busy work so that I don't have time to really think about where I am and where I should be. When I am juggling a dozen or so activities at once I don't have time to look to closely at the big picture. Like everyone I had big dreams when I was young. I wanted to go out into the world, see and experience everything and make a difference. I wanted to succeed. It didn't really matter what I succeeded at as long as I felt that I had accomplished something. The problem with me is that I never have a solid plan. I get these ideas and then dive in head first without thinking of the consequences. It is easy to look back and see where I should have planned better financially, where I should have made a better decision--should haves are huge traps that really help anything. They are just another way of making us feel like total losers. There are no do overs. And in retrospect I have made many good decisions and have accomplished small things along the way. Small things that have made a difference so I need to own them and remember that I am not a complete failure--I'm just having a bad week.
This past week I was given an assignment at one of my new jobs. The assignment had to do with adding a component to the website. It seemed straight forward enough. I put so much time and effort into trying to do this task and ended up crying with frustration, I read all types of instructions that were so far over my head, I tried to get help and in the end had to accept that only a web developer who actually builds websites could do this task. Telling my boss was difficult. She is an understanding person, but it was hard to have to admit that I had failed. At least in my own eyes I had failed. It was a task that I wasn't equipped to do from the beginning but I didn't know that. I beat myself up, sprouted stress zits and a cold sore and made my family miserable for several days while trying to make sense of the issue. My boss now wants me to work with the web developer to explain what it is we need. My brain is so fried that I don't know if I can explain it. This one thing has scared me into thinking that maybe I am not up to the job. There are many things I have done to help out but I am letting this perceived failure kick my ass. The job is doable and I am capable--it was one thing and that thing can't define me. I am not a gifted computer programmer who has awesome web building capabilities. I am a woman who knows a bit about social media and am willing to use that knowledge to help market a business. I can teach myself the basics, but some things aren't so basic.
Lately I find myself overwhelmed by the different directions that I am supposed to travel each day. I have stacked too much on my plate and have to work harder than ever to balance it all. The problem is that I feel that I am supposed to be doing something else but if I do who is going to take on all of this busy work that I have been managing for so long? I love volunteering, but my family needs me to actually bring in a check now. If I could be a professional volunteer forever I would, but I can't fill my life with it. I am in transition and for me transition has always been a scary place. The torch is slowly being passed on a couple of the activities that eat my time. I am training others to take my place and making sure that I leave things in better condition than when I found them. I am not indispensable but I do need to make sure that others are trained and there is a firm plan before I disappear into the sunset without looking back. Responsibility is one of my strong points. I am responsible for smooth transitions for others since my personal ones are rocky.
I would love to curl up and lose myself in a good book. I wish I could ignore the pile of bills that taunt me and the list of needs that have to wait until I have a steady paycheck. I can't escape through my usual means and self-destruction isn't an option. I have to grow a pair and remind myself of all of the hidden potential that I keep under lock and key. I need to McGyver a rope, a ladder or whatever it takes to get myself out of this rut and back onto a more positive path. The transitions are happening, change is coming, I need to be more patient and loving with myself and welcome change. Letting go of thoughts, habits and behaviors that hold me back are imperative to growth. I will endure the growing pains and become who it is that I am meant to be at this time in my life. I will even block out a few hours here and there on my calendar to think about it.
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