When I was younger I wanted so much to fit in with the crowd. I tried to mimic the thoughts and behaviors of whoever I happened to want to emulate on a particular day. I tried to accept everyone and be kind, but I know there were times when I could have said or done more to help those who felt isolated or persecuted. I did go through a phase in high school and college where I tried to stand out and become something other than the bland girl next door. I set myself up for disaster on many occasions and finally felt broken and unworthy. I started making rash decisions without thinking things through which damaged my psyche even more.
I didn't aspire to be a chameleon; it wasn't a conscious decision. I believe it was a subconscious survival tactic that I adopted in order to keep myself safe. I have always been too sensitive. I can read strong emotions and am acutely aware of people's perceptions of me. I try not to take them personally. We weren't all designed to be accepting of everyone. Though I try to be I still have a very hard time not completely shutting some people off. I can't handle extreme prejudice, bullies, constant negativity or spitefulness. There is no need to be cruel to any living thing and no need to belittle anyone. We are all capable of belittling ourselves, we certainly don't need help.
As a chameleon I worked hard not to cause friction, steered clear of conflict and made a habit of not offering strong opinions on anything. I still won't offer any opinion on politics because I don't have the time, energy or desire to fully understand them. I have my own personal views on religion that aren't widely popular and would be seen as blasphemy by Bible purists who wholeheartedly believe that their interpretations of scripture are the only right ones and therefore damn everyone else who may see things differently. I am spiritual and believe in a loving God who wants me to love my neighbor and treat others as I would like to be treated. By others I mean animals, people of all colors, races, religions and sexual preferences. I am not here to judge. I will not condemn anyone because I am far from perfect. I do believe in past lives and soul connections. This is way out there for many people. I respect that, we are all on our own journeys and someday we will all know the absolute truth. For now it is up to us to take the bits and pieces of knowledge that we do have and come to our own conclusions.
When I was younger my experiences caused me to erroneously equate sex with love. Unfortunately that leads to painful lessons and regrettable decisions. I believe that I booby trap my attempts to lose weight because I don't want to feel objectified. I want people to look deeper than the surface to see who I really am. Not everyone takes the time to do that. Many people make snap judgments based solely on outer appearances. I have been guilty of this and have to work hard not to do this myself. I will continue to try to lose weight and become healthy. I hope to make it past the mental blocks that I have posted so that I can allow myself to be successful. I am the only one holding me back.
I have tried in the last few years to come out of my chameleon state and show my true colors. I would never have admitted my religious beliefs before because I would never say anything that might offend anyone. It is really hard being politically correct and unoffensive at ALL times. I was a born diplomat, but have suppressed so much of myself by trying to be who others wanted me to be. It isn't worth the price of acceptance to completely lose the essence of who you are and who you want to become. I have to believe that those who really love me and want me in their lives will continue to love me despite our different views.
So in searching for the real me after all of these years I have realized that I am an old soul who has an open mind and likes to think outside the box. I never thought I would actually publish my thoughts and beliefs in a blog. It is scary but liberating. There are so many people out there who want to judge people and bring them down. I want to encourage people and lift them up. I don't need to hide anymore, I accept myself flaws and all. My scars make me more interesting than the bland girl next door.
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