There is one thing that my mother has asked for in the past few months. Something that to some may seem so simple to give, but to me it has been a struggle. Today on what would be their 58th wedding anniversary I will try to recall the final weeks of my fathers life and note the dates that they happened. Mom wants to remember since it happened so fast that she lost track of time. I will do my best to journal the days. I know I should have been doing it as it was happening. I couldn't bring myself to write it down. Writing it down makes it real and there are still days when I can pretend that he is lying in bed watching the news or feeding his dogs treats as he warms himself by the pellet stove. These are my memories, but I will share them in hopes that she will remember snippets of those days as well. Time has erased some of the small details but I will do my best. This may take awhile for me to do--not sure I can do it in one sitting, or even two.
Saturday, March 15th, 2014
Dad went to the Elks for their Prime Rib dinner with Mom and Nelda. He had been fighting pneumonia for several weeks and was able to finally get out and enjoy himself. The dinner was too big for him to finish that night. He took leftovers home to enjoy on Sunday.
Sunday, March 16th, 2014
I called mom and dad in the evening to check in on them. Mom told me about the dinner the night before. She and dad were just eating the leftovers. I asked to talk to dad so that I could see how he was feeling. Dad was cheerful on the phone and talked for a few minutes. He suddenly started coughing a deep and terrible cough that I had not heard before. I asked him if he was okay. He dropped the phone. I could hear him in the background and tried to call out for either him or mom to pick up the phone. As she got him water and helped him out I was forgotten. I had no choice but to hang up and try back. The phone was busy. I would have to check in on them the next day.
Monday, March 17th, 2014
It was a typical Monday at work. My friend Lori and I were checking messages and getting things caught up. I received a phone call from my brother Larry. He told me that dad was in the ER at Skyline hospital and that he had lung cancer. I was shocked. Dad had been fighting pneumonia, but he had always been so healthy. How can someone go to the ER and get diagnosed with cancer? I hung up and called Antone. I wanted him to come right away. In the meantime I cleaned up what absolutely had to be done at work because I wasn't sure when I would be coming back. My Aunt Nelda called to see if I had heard and if I was coming, they planned to transport him to The Dalles Hospital. Antone and I decided that I would go to The Dalles. He and Kelli were coaching a youth indoor soccer team that had practice that night. We decided that Kyle and I would go. We headed to The Dalles not really knowing what we would find. Mom, Dad, Nelda, Larry and Star were at the hospital when we arrived. Dad was still in the ER as they prepared a room for him. He was thirsty and hungry so we asked for coffee and a banana which he requested. He was hallucinating. He thought my Aunt Lucille was in the room, talked about my niece's dog and thought that a picture on the wall was a team of fire horses. I can't remember what it was but it wasn't anything even remotely close to what he thought he saw. I learned from mom that in the middle of the night dad got up and was looking for my Aunt Nelda. He was sure she was in the house. He was acting very strangely. At one point he was on his hands and knees with a small pocket knife trying to dig something out of the carpet. Mom couldn't think straight. She asked him if she should call an ambulance, he said no, so she decided to take him to the hospital. He fell twice, once in the house against a chair where he received a cut on his arm. She bandaged him up and attempted to get him to the jeep. He fell in the yard and it took her awhile to get him up. Her phone was dead and she didn't know our phone numbers. She didn't want to bother anyone in the middle of the night anyway and decided that she could handle it. In the emergency room they did X-Rays. The ER Doctor told my mom that it was cancer. She said it bluntly in a matter of fact way that completely caught mom off guard. She broke down and called Nelda. Lance had also been called. Lance felt completely helpless being stationed in South Dakota. Dad was finally given a room on the 3rd Floor. They made him comfortable and talked about the various tests he would go through in the coming days. He didn't want to be in the hospital. He has never liked hospitals. He lost his mom to cancer when he was only 12 and a week later he lost his grandmother. He had never spent the night in one even though he was days away from turning 81. Mom decided to stay at the hospital with Dad. Kyle and I headed back to Oregon City so that I could attend a meeting at work the next morning, then come back and do what I could to help.
Tuesday, March 18th, 2014
I headed for The Dalles late Tuesday morning. I advised the office that I would be out for awhile until I knew what would be happening with my father. The Doctors were treating his dehydration and breathing issues. He had an abnormality in his heart as well. They said that he was not strong enough for the test that they would have to do in order to diagnose the cancer. The doctor offered my mother a little hope as she told her that without a diagnosis they couldn't determine the severity of it. It could be that it wasn't cancer at all. We asked if he should be seeing a cancer specialist. They informed us that without a diagnosis we couldn't be referred to an oncologist. My Aunt Nelda, Lance and I all wondered if he should be moved to Portland. We were assured that they had a wonderful Cancer Center right there affiliated with the hospital. There was also talk of the VA Home in The Dalles. If dad needed care after the hospital he could go there for awhile. Dad had only one thing on his mind which was going home to his pellet stove and his little dogs. Mom needed to get out for awhile so I sat with dad for a couple of hours in the evening. He did not like her out of his site. He seemed lucid enough at first, but then the hallucinations started again. He woke up from a nap to find me there instead of mom. I told him that she had to run some errands but would be back soon. He then looked around and asked where we were going. It was soon clear that he was under the impression that we were traveling in a driver-less car. He had never seen one before. He wanted to know what that guy in the other car was doing. I told him I wasn't sure but he needed to learn to drive it better. He then commented on how sparse the landscape was and asked if we would be pulling over soon to get something to eat. I ordered him a chocolate shake. Chocolate shakes became the one thing we could count on him enjoying in the hospital. That night I went to White Salmon to sleep at my Aunt Nelda's house. Mom had a rough night; my usually gentle and loving father became belligerent. He cursed and swore he was going home. He was sure that his fire was going out and he needed to get back to the dogs. Mom said that the nurses were wonderful with him.
Wednesday, March 19th, 2014
The hospital days seem to melt together as long days with little answers. The doctor came once or twice a day to check in. Dad's heart had some irregularities that made it too risky to do the tests that they would need to determine the severity of the cancer--they wouldn't even say it was cancer without the conclusive tests. They could tell us there was a dark mass in his lungs and that it was large. Mom was tired from the hard night before so I spent a long night at the hospital. Mom slept in the room with dad so I caught a few uncomfortable hours on a couch in a lounge. It had windows on all sides so if felt like I was trying to sleep in a fishbowl. Dad had a better night and was eating well. There was no word on when he would be able to go home though and that is what he wanted most.
Thursday, March 20th
There was frustration about the tests that my father needed. His heart was experiencing arrhythmia--at times it was too fast and other times too slow. They were giving him medication to try to regulate it. They believed that he was not strong enough to withstand the test. Without the test we did not have a diagnosis. Meanwhile dad was making friends with all of the nurses and enjoying the chocolate milkshakes. Physical therapy gals came to get him up and around. He was restless and tired of being away from home. He was lucid and had not had any hallucinations for a few days. It was believed that the hallucinations were from dehydration. An MRI showed that his brain was clear. There was worry that the cancer had traveled there. Again, they could not call it cancer yet, but still checked to see if it had spread. The bad news was that it had spread and was in his lymph nodes. I learned that there is a lymph node in the middle of your chest. I had never really thought about it, but never pictured one there.
Friday, March 21st
Antone came to visit and brought Kyle with him. Kyle decided to spend the night with me since I was taking a break and going home for a few days. We learned that they were going to try to do the test over the weekend since it didn't look like they were going to get him regulated. Since everything seemed to be going okay at the hospital Kyle and I went to dinner and got a hotel in The Dalles so that we were close by. My hope was that in a hotel I could finally get a good nights sleep. I had spent a few nights at my Aunt's house which was great, but I wanted to be a little closer to the hospital that night. Unfortunately there was a domestic violence issue in the middle of the night at the hotel that woke everyone up. It was loud and involved the police. Needless to say my idea about getting more rest didn't really work.
Saturday, March 22nd
Dad got up today and walked around with the physical therapists. I took a video off him. He looked good and was happy. It was great to take a video of him smiling. They decided that the test would be done on Sunday and that the results would be available on Tuesday. Mom went home to shower, pick up some clothes and take a break before we left. The nights in the hospital were hard on her and she was not taking her medications. I was worried that she would be admitted soon.
Part of the problem with writing this over a number of days is that I don't feel like singling out the days today. Maybe I will actually finish it today since I have been at this for 9 days now. The memories are painful. I know that many of them are probably suppressed because the last days were some of the hardest I have ever lived.
I went home with Kyle on Saturday but came back with Antone, Kelli, Nick and Hannah on Sunday so that they could see him. He had had the test that day and came through it okay. They didn't expect the results until Tuesday at the soonest so I went home with my family.
The results showed that he did have an aggressive form of cancer that is common for people who have smoked. Dad had smoked for many years. The mass was large and in the middle of his chest. One of his lungs was not functioning well because the mass blocked the tubes that connected the top part of the lung from the bottom. The problem with waiting so long to write this is that the fine details that were so imprinted on my brain at that time are fading. I think we forget some things to protect ourselves from the pain.
I can't remember the exact days that things happened that week. I do know that my dad was released from the hospital on Tuesday, March 25th and referred to an oncologist. The hospital wanted him taken to the Veteran's Home in The Dalles to stay until they felt he was strong enough to go home. I met them at the Veteran's home on Tuesday after he had arrived. The room was sparse, he had a roommate and there really was no place for anyone to sit to visit. He hated it instantly. My parents did not realize that my mother would not be allowed to stay overnight in the home. It was some type of insurance liability and also had to do with the privacy of the roommate who was non verbal and unaware of his surroundings. My father refused to stay if my mother couldn't stay with him. He wanted to be released immediately. The director was called and they decided to let her stay for a couple of nights but no more. Dad said that he would stay the night but that was all. I didn't want his last weeks to be miserable so asked him to stay until Friday and I would work to get the house ready for him. He wouldn't agree so I called Antone and told him that I needed him to come right away to help me clean my parents house. Our friend Terrie had been coming by and doing a lot of cleaning and helped the neighbors take care of the dogs. It still needed a lot of work and I knew I couldn't do it alone.
A man from the Veteran's office in White Salmon had offered to sell us a hospital bed. I had told him that I wanted it and he was going to deliver it on Friday. He lived in the Vancouver area and would be back in White Salmon Friday. I called to see if he could bring it that night instead. It was pouring rain but he agreed. I offered $30 extra dollars for gas money. Meanwhile after my Aunt took us to dinner Antone and I got to work on the house. We had bought cleaning supplies at Walmart and stayed up all night rearranging furniture, mopping and sterilizing the house so that it would be ready for dad to come home. A family friend came and helped us for a few hours from about 10pm until Midnight. He helped us with the bigger furniture and helped to get the bed in and set up. I wanted him in the living room so that he could easily watch television and visit with people.
On Wednesday dad checked out of the Veteran's Home. He almost didn't make it one night there. He was always cold. He had spent a year in a wet, cold trench in Korea and hated being cold more than anything. His bed at the Veteran's home was right under the air conditioning vent. They were unable to get anyone to bring them extra blankets in the night. My mom took things out of his suitcase and covered him with his clothes and coat. He told her he wanted to just leave and get a hotel. Mom said it was one of her worst nights ever. That day we saw the Oncologist. He told us that dad had about six months to live, that it was stage III and inoperable. He wanted to do one dose of radiation on Friday to hopefully shrink the tumor a little and maybe buy him some time. He suggested that we call Hospice and wanted to make sure that we were able to keep him comfortable at home. We brought dad home to the clean house and his beloved dogs. He was very happy to be home. I knew that bringing him home was the right thing to do. After getting dad settled in, Antone had to head back to our family. My brother Larry was there to help and my brother Lance was on his way from South Dakota. Lance retires from the Air Force this year and had limited leave. I am so happy that he decided to come when he did. Dad thanked me for the work I had done cleaning the house and told me that I didn't have to do it. I told him that I knew I didn't have to--I wanted to. I wanted to do all that I could to make him happy and comfortable as did the rest of the family.
Mom wanted to continue sleeping by dad and brought a chair over by the bed. The dogs would not leave his side. He was in good spirits and was sure that he was going to beat it. I was trying to be organized and think ahead. I wanted to make a calendar so that we could be sure someone was there to help take care of dad at all times. I didn't want mom to be left alone. It was too hard and I wanted her to have support. Family and friends stepped up to help. Lance arrived with his wife Shenna and it was good to see the joy on dad's face.
Friday, March 28th my dad turned 81 years old. For his birthday he had a radiation treatment and a visit from Hospice. Lance grilled him some salmon for dinner and he was able to have chocolate cake. I had asked him the day before what he wanted for his birthday dinner and chocolate cake was it. Lance helped him to go upstairs to bathe and shave. My dad had a routine over the years. He would bathe at night and then watch the news in bed. He had not been able to bathe in his own tub in days and just that one luxury was one of the best birthday presents he could have. My aunts and my cousin came to see him. He enjoyed the company but tired easily.
On Saturday I left for the weekend. My step-son, his wife and our granddaughter were coming to visit for the weekend. This would be the last visit with him before his deployment to Bahrain. I hated to leave but knew that Lance, Shenna, Before I left dad asked if I thought he should go to the hospital for a few days. I asked if that was what he wanted. Going to the hospital would mean leaving Hospice Care. It was his call though, I would do anything he asked. He told me that he wanted to go to the hospital so that I could get some rest. He didn't like being an imposition. I assured him that we were getting rest and that we were fine. Larry, Star and others were there to help mom through the weekend. I still believed that we had months of this and thought that being away for a weekend would be okay. Hospice planned to come again on Monday. I planned to be back on Monday night.
The last week is a blur of memories and strong emotions. I am probably forgetting key things that my mom, brothers and others remember. Dad was eating less when I returned. Hospice ordered oxygen for him and a commode. On Monday night we had corn beef tacos which was a favorite in our family. Lance had to cut things up and feed them to him slowly. The patience and love that my brothers and my husband showed to dad that week was very moving. We expect that type of gentle caring from women, but to see these men in my life showing respect, love and compassion for my dad was a blessing in all of this. Antone lost his dad in 1990 the same way. He learned he had cancer in April and was gone at the end of May. These weeks with my dad brought back many painful memories for him. He was able to step in and help in ways that he wished he could have years before. I can't remember whether it was Monday or Tuesday, but on one of the days I was home alone with dad while everyone else was running errands. He wanted to go up and bathe. Lance had been taking him up and I wanted to be able to help him. He leaned heavily on me as we made our way up the stairs. About halfway up he had to sit down. It seemed to be a turning point for him. He couldn't believe how weak he was. He was truly surprised. He asked me to just take him back down the stairs.
We were making mom sleep in her own bed on several nights so that she could get good rest. We weren't sure how she was going to be able to handle things when Lance and I had to go back to work. Lance had to leave that Thursday and I was planning to go back to work the following Monday and drive back and forth. I was still attempting to work out a calendar with friends and family. I marked the days that I would be down and tried to fill in the rest. Star changed her schedule around so that she had Monday's off. Larry had Friday's off . We were going to make it work.
On Monday night Lance and I slept downstairs to keep an eye on dad. We both were so exhausted that we dozed off. I woke up to find dad trying to get up. Lance woke up at the same time. He talked dad into just sitting. Dad was pretty talkative and wanted to just sit and talk for awhile. We may have talked about more if we would have realized it was our last real conversation with him. It is so easy to look back and count the what if's. We were doing the best we could in a situation that we weren't prepared for.
Tuesday was hard. He was up and down a lot. Antone came that night after work to visit for awhile. He saw a difference and was worried. That night after everyone went to bed there were some complications. We had to call the Hospice Nurse in the middle of the night for help. Lance, Shenna and I were up with him and it was hard to see him in pain. It was the only time I saw him complain. All of his nurses both in the hospital and with Hospice were amazed by his kindness. He was polite and always thanked him. Even that night as he was in pain and the nurse had to hurt him a bit more to make it better he was telling her it was okay.
On Wednesday Hospice came to visit in the morning. They felt that he was declining faster than first anticipated. They believed instead of months we only had weeks. This was hard to hear. Lance and I asked for bed rails for dad since he had tried to get out of bed the night before. We didn't want him to fall our and hurt himself. They planned to deliver them on Thursday. Shortly afternoon I took my mom to the doctor. I was worried about how she was holding up with all of this and wanted to make sure she was okay health wise. We went to the store after the appointment and picked up some pajamas for dad and some softer foods that we were going to attempt to feed him since he was having trouble eating. We ordered lunch for everyone. When I called to see what everyone wanted I was told that dad seemed worse and that we should come home. We hurried home to find a notable change since just that morning. He was very quiet. Longtime friends called to say that they were coming to see him. They were a few hours away and wanted to know what flavor milkshake he liked. They planned to play a little music for him. Just two weeks earlier I had told dad in the hospital that I wanted him and his friends to play some music together when he felt up to it. I wish I could have made that happen.
Less than two hours before the friends arrived dad slipped into a coma. I didn't have the heart to call them and tell them. They were looking forward to the visit. They showed up with milkshakes and a fiddle. Dad had music played for him that evening. He tried to open his eyes a few times and made a little noise like he was trying to talk. That night Lance, Shenna and I were taught how to mix my dad's medication and give it to him through a syringe in his mouth. He had to have it every two hours. I set alarms on my phone and we slept by him so that I could administer it. Lance and Shenna left with a heavy heart the on Thursday. They didn't want to leave but we were told that he could last in the coma for a week to 10 days. Lance had used most of his leave and wanted to be able to return for the inevitable funeral. I had to go to the Antone, Larry and Star came that night to stay up to give the meds so that I could sleep 6-8 hours straight. Hospice wanted the meds given every hour that night so they had a tougher time than I did. They were exhausted by morning when I took over again. The Hospice nurse decided that a double dose every two hours would be better so I was back to the two hour regiment. Antone had to go home on Friday but planned to come back Saturday afternoon. During these final days there were visitors. I don't want anyone to think that I forgot them. His grandchildren, relatives and friends all came. Mom had a couple of people come to pray over him that last week.
One vivid memory that I have in those final days was having to leave dad to go to the drugstore. He was low on meds and they wanted to make sure I didn't run out over the weekend. I didn't want to go to the pharmacy but I had to because they knew me and would fill the prescription. When I got there the line was long. I was so upset because I didn't know how long dad had. He was in the coma and I knew every minute counted. I got in the back of the line and tried to be patient. A few minutes after I arrived I was called by the pharmacist. I was surprised because I hadn't even gotten to the front of the line to hand in the prescription yet. The pharmacist told everyone that I had an emergency and needed to get my order quickly. She came out from behind the counter and hugged me as she gave it to me. That is what happens in a small town. That act of kindness made me cry.
Friday we were told that it was very likely he would go over the weekend but it could be a week depending on his will to hang on. I noticed a change in his breathing on Friday night. It was a subtle change but I could tell that he was deeper into the coma. Larry, Star my Uncle Jeral and I stayed up with him Friday night. We wanted mom to rest because she would have to stay up with me on Sunday. I taught Star how to do the medication on Friday night so that we could have longer rest periods. Mom was having a hard time but was trying to be brave. She was receiving a lot of calls from friends and family and they gave her love and support.
On Saturday I didn't want to leave his side. Mom played music for him for awhile. I turned on some old television shows and westerns that he liked. I held his hand all day and talked to him. Antone got to the house around 3pm. He brought pizza and turned on the soccer game for us to watch. Dad's breathing changed again at about 3:50pm. Mom was close but I told her she needed to move closer and I told Antone to turn off the TV. We gathered around him. Mom and I held his hands. He opened his mouth a couple of times, a peaceful look crossed his face as he took a couple more breaths that were spread out, then a sigh that sounded like his voice. He passed away peacefully at 4pm.
We called Hospice, my brother Larry and my Aunt Nelda. When the Hospice nurse arrived mom and I helped dress him in a new pair of blue pajamas that his sisters had given him for his birthday. They matched his eyes. It was the first time he was able to wear them. We put socks on his feet because he hated to be cold. My friends from the funeral home showed up quietly. They hugged us and gently put him in the bag and took him away. It was all surreal and all too sudden. What happened to six months? We had plans, there were things left to do and say.
I could go on and on about the days following, but I have typed enough. This was for you mom. It isn't my best writing. I am not going to spell check it or read it over. I let out everything that I could for now. I love you and am proud of how our family came together to make dad's last days peaceful and how he got to stay at home. The Hospice workers were all wonderful. I have so much respect for them. It has been three months and I still can't come to grips with the fact that he is gone.
No comments:
Post a Comment