Those of you who read my blogs know that sometimes I just need to purge. I will go for long times without writing and then I need to just get it out and be done with it. This has been a hard year--I need to focus on the future, so I am going to lay it all out and be done with it. Well sort of be done with it. I'm sure some things will be easier to banish than others.
Grief comes in many forms. We grieve for things that we've lost both big and small. The first thing we think of when we hear that someone is grieving is the loss of a loved one. People are harder pressed to understand when we grieve the loss of a job, a friendship, a dream or our youth. My quest for a more simple and positive life has been held back a little from several losses over the past year. The biggest of course is the loss of my father. This has affected me in ways that I wouldn't have expected. I have lost the desire to juggle several things at once and to raise my hand to volunteer for things. I have beloved volunteer gigs--I work with the high school soccer program, TOPSoccer, PNBA, Willamette Writers and usually head the reunion committee for my graduating class. I also have enjoyed my bunco groups and writing groups. I am having trouble mustering up the energy and enthusiasm to keep going with them. I will, I have a strong sense of duty and will follow through in case this is a temporary thing. I am so grateful for those who have stepped in and taken over the planning of our 30 year class reunion this summer. I needed to delegate and found very capable hands who are doing an amazing job. I just need to muster up the energy to go.
As most of you know my son was injured playing soccer in January of 2013. Kyle started playing soccer in Kindergarten. He wasn't sure if he wanted to continue with it at first. His friends played so he kept with it but didn't always like going to practice. Things changed for him when he was 12. He decided that he wanted to put everything he had into it. He made goals and worked hard to achieve them. His club coaches worked with him and were happy with his dedication and his desire to get better. He wanted to make Varsity as a freshman and letter all 4 years. He also hoped that just maybe a small college would pick him up so that he could play a few years after high school. He did fulfill his wish to play Varsity as a Freshman and would have lettered all 4 years if things had been different. After 17 months of hard work and three surgeries Kyle was excited to finally get the okay to play again. He was given the Green light and we limited his play. He was playing well in his first tournament back when he felt a familiar pop. His ACL just isn't going to allow him to play anymore. It is sad. Sad for us as parents who supported him and cheered him on and sad for him who wanted to at least play his senior year then leave the sport on his own terms. I know that there are worse things in life. He is alive, he is healthy and he is strong. He will have a wonderful life without having played soccer his junior or senior years. It is just a loss for us that we have to grieve. We have been reminded that it is God's plan for him and have been told that our sadness over this is annoying. We do have the right to grieve this small loss and the right to heal. There are many emotions tied up in these 18 months of ups and downs. We fought hard to get him the surgery and the physical therapy that he needed. In the end it wasn't meant to be. We get it, it is just bittersweet. We are sad that he has had to learn this lesson but he will be a stronger person for it. We shared a few tears after the call from the surgeon this afternoon and we had a good talk. We were prepared for this. We have had a couple of weeks to prepare since this most recent injury. Kyle loves soccer--he will help manage the team, he will help train volunteers for TOPSoccer, he will coach younger kids and he will keep loving the game.
Another loss that we are dealing with is the impending loss of my job. I absolutely loved my job and the company that I was working for. I had big dreams and high hopes. The economy, changes in the industry and other factors made it impossible for the company to go on so it will be closing. I will miss my co-workers though I know we will all find something new. There have been many emotions these past few weeks as we prepare for the end. It is just another small loss to add to the pile.
Our son Josh will be deployed to Bahrain for a year and Kelli will move out to go to college. Nicholas will be adopting one of our dogs who will move in with him and his girlfriend. The loss of my job will necessitate me getting a new job which means I will not be able to travel to South Dakota for my brother's retirement from the Air Force. So these things are all bundled up in my grief. The good thing about grief though is that it does get easier. I have many things to look forward to and with the exception of the loss of my father, the other losses open doors to new possibilities.
Kyle is no longer looking at small colleges with men's soccer teams. This frees him up to attend his first choice college which has an awesome Bio Chemistry program. Kelli will be working towards a degree in teaching. Josh will put in his year of deployment then come back to move his family closer to friends and relatives. He will get a choice as to where he will go next. Nicholas and Hannah are enjoying life and Nick is happier than I have ever seen him. I have a job interview tomorrow. It may or may not work out, but it is an interview and with each one there is hope.
I am blessed to have an awesome support group of friends and family. They will be here as I get my sense of humor back, find a new path and discover joy again. My husband continues to love me despite some of the major flaws that I have discovered recently. There are those who make fun of Facebook, but I have a small community there who lifts my spirits as well.
Recently I went to a therapy session. I do that from time to time just to see if I've gone completely insane yet. This therapist told me that each day I need to spend a little time with my worries and my grief. She says that if they are there they deserve validation but looking at them also makes them a little less scary. There is some wisdom in this. Maybe that is why she gets paid the big bucks.
This week I will continue to work hard until the last day of my job. I will sign up for my reunion, I will do a huge spring cleaning a bit late, I will count my blessings and I will laugh. Every day I will find something to laugh about and make sure that there is someone to laugh with. I don't want to just be sitting around by myself laughing. Okay--the strange sense of humor is coming back. The writing of this blog has done it's job. Thanks for reading--sorry for the depressing parts. I will try to get back to funny soon!
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