Rest in Peace........

With the recent losses of loved ones by me and those that I care about, the tragic news of a helicopter crash that killed nine souls including Kobe Bryant and his daughter was very sad to me. It brought home how precious life is and how quickly it can be over. I seem to be pondering that a lot lately and have been doing a few extra things to make sure that my last wishes are known. I am not planning on going anywhere any time soon and hope to be around to watch my granddaughters and future grandchildren grow up. There are no guarantees though. All that I can do is try to be the best version of me each and every day knowing that because I am human there will be days that I fail miserably. Hopefully I will brush myself off and try again the next day. The important part of making mistakes is learning from them and trying to do better in the future. With that said Kobe was human and made some bad mistakes, one that nearly cost him everything. Did he deny it at first--yes. Many of us deny things when we are young and stupid with a lot to lose. He did admit to his mistake though. He did not victim shame the girl, he did not make excuses, he did not make that mistake again. Instead he was forgiven by those who were closest to him and tried to make it up to them by being the best version of himself. Did he pay money to the girl in a civil suit--yes.  That is part of the legal system, he made a mistake, he caused her emotional pain, he apologized and tried to do what was right. People can judge all that they want to but at the end of the day he is someone who became a loving husband and father with the second chance that he was given.

I defended him on social media today. That may seem silly but it is a big step for me.  I like to stay quiet and not bring any negative attention to myself. I like to keep my opinions here on my own page where they are mine alone and people are less likely to call me names and start hating on me. I hate conflict and shy away from it whenever possible. I was feeling vulnerable today though.  I was thinking of my own mortality and what people would say about me when I am gone. There are some who will remember me at my lowest points and will remind everyone of any shameful moments or the mistakes that I made big and small. That will happen to all of us. We are all flawed and screw up day after day. Thankfully I am not in the limelight and my indiscretions will be small potatoes that don't really matter in the end.

Kobe did get arrested, he was skewered by the media. The young woman went through the ringer as well. She was called all sorts of names which happens when anyone makes allegations. In the end maybe each one of them made bad decisions that night. They both paid in different ways and moved on with life.

I don't believe I am the only one who was pondering today. A friend re posted this which also made me think and want to respond: 

There's a custom in many cultures to not speak ill of the dead. I, on the other hand, believe that one must speak true of the dead. The good, if there's any. The bad, especially if it was egregious. And the everything in between.

That is merely human existence. The scariest thing in the world is realizing that there are no angels or demons; just people.

I guess that's why so many of us try to turn people into one or the other.

Who and what we are is all dependent on the perception of those around us at any given moment in our lives. If we leave an impression, that impression will vary person to person even if a memory or  accounting told to another is completely misconstrued. Our truth will be seen differently by another because many others are only capable of coming to conclusions that fit inside their own box. I know and love people who refuse to think outside of the box. It makes me sad sometimes. Minds that see black and white only; minds that are incapable of moving past mistakes are minds that miss out on so much.

My response to the post regarding speaking ill of the dead: 

I am scarred, a bit jaded, I make mistakes everyday. I’ve been called a saint by some and others say I’m going to Hell. I do my best every day but because I am human I am imperfect. I try to be kind and generous but can be a complete bitch when I am tired or in pain. I try to be patient but can become completely annoyed at times. Angels and demons are titles given to all of us depending on the perspective of the one who is bestowing the label. Satan was an angel once......

I plan to be a bit kinder to myself this year. I don't want to continue to beat myself up for every stupid mistake that I ever made. There are people who don't believe that we change. Maybe a few people don't. The majority of us continue to grow and learn as we get older. Being middle aged brings such a different perspective. I am more forgiving and am working on being able to be able to speak my truth without worrying about offending people. We live in a world where people want us to walk on eggshells so that we don't offend anyone. It is exhausting and impossible not to offend people. I think being offended is a gut reaction much of the time. If you stop and try to see other perspectives it doesn't mean that you have to agree with them. It just means that you are respectfully taking into consideration what someone else is saying and why they feel that way. 

I have digressed as is usually the case. When my time comes to leave this world I hope that people will know that I tried to be a good person. I tried to live my best life and I tried to teach others to seek joy. Celebrate the good and the bad as honestly as you can with as much kindness as possible........

Under Construction........

This week I was given a new insight into myself. It seems there is a thing called Imposter Syndrome. Maybe you have heard of it, I hadn't. This discovery resonated with me and made me take a good look at my 50+ year history of not following through with big ideas and of not finishing any of the writing projects that I have started. I mean well. I guess the road to Hell is littered with my good intentions. I have a nasty habit of self-sabotage. I become busy; I dive deep into things that will help others so that I don't have to deal with any of my own stuff. I honestly love helping everyone else succeed. While helping them I bury my ideas, dreams and possibilities deep beneath a pile of busy work where they get lost and eventually forgotten. I am my own biggest obstacle--I plant giant boulders in the road to stop me from making progress. 

 Imposter syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. 'Imposters' suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence. May 7, 2008

As you can see by the date this is not a new thing--it is just new to me. I have felt like an imposter my whole life. As an adopted child I always felt like a changeling. I was living someone else's life; a life that I needed to be worthy of since it was handed to me. I have always fallen short of my own expectations and even as a child felt that I was never good enough. I have often joked that my picture is shown under the words average and/or mediocre. I am a defeatist who puts on a happy face for everyone and pretends to be good at everything when I'm really just faking my way through. Don't get me wrong. This isn't a woe is me post--quite the opposite. This feeling of inadequacy is luckily only a small part of me--one that trips me up a lot, but one that I am always battling. I do believe in being positive and in finding joy. I just seem to be amazing at encouraging everyone out there except myself.  Okay, maybe not my children either. They hear the lip service but also see me not following my dreams so they don't take me too seriously.  

I do have the gift of connecting people. My natural empathy makes me awesome at helping others identify obstacles and how to possibly maneuver around them. I just can't seem to do the same thing for myself. I am a work in progress--in 2020 I am going to be under construction. I will be working to remove any misguided judgments and false labels that I've placed upon myself. I plan to throw away the masks that I wear and embrace the scarred up, slightly damaged, aging soul that is me. I do believe that over the past year or two I have started the mask burning and have been sharing my true self. I just need to complete the transformation and allow myself the opportunity to fail. So what if I finish one of my many writing projects and everyone hates it. So what if it takes me several tries to finally publish something. I am a writer--it is what I do. Published or not it is who I am. I need to embrace it and be able to say it without feeling like I am going to be struck down for lying. We all have those voices of doubt that needle us and make us feel that we are not worthy. I really need to do an exorcism and delete those annoying voices from my brain. 

I encourage all of you to follow your dreams in 2020. It is never too late. Stop hiding behind excuses, set some goals and make sure that you succeed at what is most important to you. This year I plan to write, make healthier choices (physically, mentally and spiritually), have a few amazing adventures, walk my dog (and me) more, organize my space, de-clutter and stay positive. There is no easy fix or magic formula. It is all hard work that you do for yourself because you are worth it. I am not an imposter--I am 100% authentically me--broken bits and all........

Finding Joy.......

In 2013 I started this blog as a way to connect with others who were navigating life while searching for significance. I have loved writing my entire life and am constantly coming up with stories and ideas in my head. Self doubt has kept me from actually finishing a writing project and also from blogging regularly. With each new year we take a moment to think of new possibilities for the coming year. Sometimes we make promises to ourselves in the form of resolutions. I stopped making resolutions because breaking them always made me feel like a complete failure. I have however taken time each year to reflect on the previous year and to dream of new adventures and changes that I would like to see in the coming year.  Dare I say that in 2020 my time to write is here. The need for excuses is over. It is simply time for me to focus on the things that make me happy in life. Writing, Photography, genealogy, family and friend time, travel and connecting with people. It is time to dust off this blog and Rediscover, Reinvent and Rewrite life once again. The world changes rapidly and the ability to learn new things, to be flexible when needed, to adapt to change and to be the best possible version of ourselves are key to finding joy and balance. Joy and Balance are my goals for 2020. Joy is something that we forget to seek as we struggle with the mundane on a daily basis. It can be found in things big and small.  I encourage you to make a list of the things that bring you joy whether it is a cup of hot cocoa while sitting in front of the computer on a rainy day; snuggling up to a beloved grandchild; discovering treasure in unlikely places or simply just waking up to a new day there is always joy to be found.

I will be attempting to blog more often. I will not put a number or a timeline on it as I don't want to set myself up for another failure. Instead I will write when I am able whether it be on this blog, one of my projects or in my gratitude journal. My journey this year is also going to be about being present, being kind and developing my emotional intelligence skills. I love the book that we were asked to read at work. I have learned so much about myself and the things that I need to work on. Life is a journey--make your own map. You may get lost on the way or make a few detours. The journey is part of the adventure!