Under Construction........

This week I was given a new insight into myself. It seems there is a thing called Imposter Syndrome. Maybe you have heard of it, I hadn't. This discovery resonated with me and made me take a good look at my 50+ year history of not following through with big ideas and of not finishing any of the writing projects that I have started. I mean well. I guess the road to Hell is littered with my good intentions. I have a nasty habit of self-sabotage. I become busy; I dive deep into things that will help others so that I don't have to deal with any of my own stuff. I honestly love helping everyone else succeed. While helping them I bury my ideas, dreams and possibilities deep beneath a pile of busy work where they get lost and eventually forgotten. I am my own biggest obstacle--I plant giant boulders in the road to stop me from making progress. 

 Imposter syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. 'Imposters' suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence. May 7, 2008

As you can see by the date this is not a new thing--it is just new to me. I have felt like an imposter my whole life. As an adopted child I always felt like a changeling. I was living someone else's life; a life that I needed to be worthy of since it was handed to me. I have always fallen short of my own expectations and even as a child felt that I was never good enough. I have often joked that my picture is shown under the words average and/or mediocre. I am a defeatist who puts on a happy face for everyone and pretends to be good at everything when I'm really just faking my way through. Don't get me wrong. This isn't a woe is me post--quite the opposite. This feeling of inadequacy is luckily only a small part of me--one that trips me up a lot, but one that I am always battling. I do believe in being positive and in finding joy. I just seem to be amazing at encouraging everyone out there except myself.  Okay, maybe not my children either. They hear the lip service but also see me not following my dreams so they don't take me too seriously.  

I do have the gift of connecting people. My natural empathy makes me awesome at helping others identify obstacles and how to possibly maneuver around them. I just can't seem to do the same thing for myself. I am a work in progress--in 2020 I am going to be under construction. I will be working to remove any misguided judgments and false labels that I've placed upon myself. I plan to throw away the masks that I wear and embrace the scarred up, slightly damaged, aging soul that is me. I do believe that over the past year or two I have started the mask burning and have been sharing my true self. I just need to complete the transformation and allow myself the opportunity to fail. So what if I finish one of my many writing projects and everyone hates it. So what if it takes me several tries to finally publish something. I am a writer--it is what I do. Published or not it is who I am. I need to embrace it and be able to say it without feeling like I am going to be struck down for lying. We all have those voices of doubt that needle us and make us feel that we are not worthy. I really need to do an exorcism and delete those annoying voices from my brain. 

I encourage all of you to follow your dreams in 2020. It is never too late. Stop hiding behind excuses, set some goals and make sure that you succeed at what is most important to you. This year I plan to write, make healthier choices (physically, mentally and spiritually), have a few amazing adventures, walk my dog (and me) more, organize my space, de-clutter and stay positive. There is no easy fix or magic formula. It is all hard work that you do for yourself because you are worth it. I am not an imposter--I am 100% authentically me--broken bits and all........