Rediscovering, Reinventing and Rewriting the Journey

Hello, name is Lana Luke and I am addicted to hoarding Non-Fiction Self-Help books.  I think I am going through some kind of mid-life crisis.  I have some great books that I am sure would be very helpful in enlightening me on how to meet my many goals.  The issue it that I need to actually open them!  Reading the titles gives me some ideas, but reading them might actually teach me something.
 Heck, if I would just take a stack and lift them twenty times per day with each arm I would probably get a decent work out.  I love reading; I just happen to love reading really good fictional books with colorful characters who sweep me away to a different world where I can traipse around for awhile and forget what is piling up in my own world.  If I open one of the non-fiction books it is going to want me to actually do something that will make a change.  I am great at making big changes for a day or two but then fall back into my old, comfortable habits because I am too busy to actually have to think about implementing those changes daily.  Being "too busy" is my way of coping.  I fill my time with other commitments so I don't have to deal with my own issues.

I guess a key word in that last paragraph was "Big".  I try to make "Big" changes.  We are creatures of habit so it is hard to change those habits even when we know deep down inside that change is the only thing that is going to save us.  I know all about making small goals and then adding in small changes here and there.  I actually have made some small changes this year and am building on them.  I just haven't yet opened any of the books on my self-help shelf.  I also have made my list of goals so big that just looking at it overwhelms me.  I tell myself I just have to make a few small changes, but that damn list is huge and how do I choose which ones?  First goal~get out of my own head and quit overthinking everything!

One of the books that I'm sure is completely awesome is about using blogging as therapy.  I believe I have blogged about this before.  Blogging is my way of unloading the stuff in my brain that just won't seem to go away.  That stuff in the way back that is stubborn and tickles my subconscious self.  It makes me always feel like I'm forgetting something important or that I am missing a big puzzle piece that would miraculously give me insight into my divine purpose.  Wouldn't it be nice if our divine purpose in life was stamped on the inside of our thigh or placed somewhere obvious so we wouldn't miss it?  Why didn't I come with clear, easy to read instructions?  My wiring is off a bit so having instructions that only pertained to me would be very helpful.

One of the goals that I have had and haven't followed through on is trying to blog at least once a week.  This is doable if I actually put it on the calendar and make myself do it.  Once upon a time, not so long ago I took a stress management class.  I liked it so much I took the follow up as well.  I lived my life by the principles for a few years and saw a difference in my attitude, my weight and my energy level.  I let a couple of set backs derail me and here I am again--floundering a bit.  My attitude is decent but the weight and energy level need a lot of work.  I became complacent and lost site of my goals.  I actually started to question what those goals were and decided that I didn't even know myself anymore.  We all grow and change, it is great when we are actually award of it happening.

I started my blog page a few years back.  It is floating out there in cyberspace.  A few people read it now and again.  I haven't made any real attempts to grow it.  I re-post everything on my Facebook Page so a few people actually read it.  I titled it "Rediscovering, Reinventing and Rewriting" because I realized that sometimes in life you need to step back and really look at who you are as opposed to who you want to be.  It is all a matter of perspective.  I feel that many people have me packed away in a little box with a simple label.  I label myself sometimes.  We should never be labeled.  There is more to everyone than the opinion you form on your first glance.  The goal of the blog was to help myself  "Rediscover" who I am under all of those labels;  "Reinvent" myself so that I can be who I choose to be and then "Rewrite" my story.  By rewriting I don't mean that the facts themselves need to be changed.  Rewrite it showing a different perspective.  I spent a lot of years not liking parts of that kid I used to be or the girl who made some really stupid decisions.  I blamed her for a lot of things.  When I step back and look at my past from an adult point of view and take the facts into consideration I see things in a whole new light.  Remember that bad stuff that happened in the past--leave it there.  If you have to take it out and examine it, look at it from a different angle and rewrite it that way.   That may be a topic for a whole different blog.....

If I'm going to make changes before I'm too old and feeble to care, I need to start again now.  Taking words like "try", "attempt" and "maybe" out of the equation and using a resounding "I am going to" will make all of the difference in the world.  We all flounder now an then.  We all fall and have to get back up.  I need to make sure my recovery time is a little quicker this time around.  It is great to make a list of goals if you are actually planning to achieve them.  Many things look good on paper~they look even better when you can check them off as accomplished.  My office is filled with lists--time to clean it out and start fresh.

I recently purchased a new kind of book~a planner.   I have a planner every year.  I use them religiously and have had the same brand for years.  My trusty, favorite planner is being discontinued.  I had to log onto Amazon and find something else that would fit my needs.  You can imagine my surprise and delight when I found "The Inner Guide Planner" for 2015-16.  Forgive me as I turn into an infomercial for a product that I think is awesome!  It is a 12 month guide that gives you places to set weekly and monthly goals.  There is space to envision what you want to accomplish and how you want your life to look.   There are guides to living a more fulfilling life, questions for self-discovery and other tools that can keep you on track if you open the damn book and use them.  I solemnly swear to use my new planner as a valued tool in making this next year full of positive changes.

I will use my blog to help perpetuate the journey and to keep me on track.  I could use some fellow travelers to chime in now and again.  I encourage anyone who wants to take a spiritual path to finding peace, happiness, inner strength or whatever you are looking for to join in.  I have a Facebook group page that I titled "Journey to Health, Happiness and Balance".  It has been around for awhile and I post things somewhat regularly.  I will start using it more now.   I may even crack open a few of those self-help books and see if any of them are worth mentioning in future posts!

The Soccer Mom, Love Your Neighbor, Liberal Agenda......

I can't think of anyone out there who would describe me as having an agenda.  I have gone to great lengths to avoid conflict and drama of any kind.   A few years ago I realized that I was a cross between a golden retriever and a chameleon.  I put a lot of energy into blending in and trying to please everyone.  I found that I was mentally, physically and spiritually tired.  I also felt that I was hitting that dreaded mid-life crisis that I thought was a myth.  I have spent the past twenty-five years being the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, etc.  that I can be but couldn't answer the simple question of who are you really?  Who am I?  You would think that would be easy enough to answer.  I have been me for my entire life so I should know me better than anyone.  I went on a quest to figure out who I am, what I like and what I really want for the third quarter of my life.

This quest has been a bit draining to say the least.  I have had some ups and downs and really feel that I have gotten myself stuck.  Lately I have not liked myself very much because I have some things figured out in my head but can't seem to get the rest of me to follow along.  I'm stubborn.  The biggest obstacle in my life right now is me.  I have even made a list of things about myself that annoy me and need to be changed.  What does any of this have to do with anything?  Good question.  As usual this may just be a random rant to clear my overwhelmed brain.

Those of you who know me may know that I have three different pages on Facebook.  I am one of those people who actually see the good in social media.  I know the bad but choose to use it regardless because written communication is a passion of mine and Facebook allows me to write, share thoughts and ideas, connect people and to try to spread love and kindness.  Besides my personal page I have my blog page which is "Lana Luke" and then an alumni page that I started several years ago to help with finding people for our class reunions.  The alumni page was never meant to be more than a tool to stay connected with my classmates.  Facebook would not allow me to put the numbers 84 in the title because it is supposed to belong to a person and CHS Bruins 84 is not a name.  The page has grown and is now a place where alumni of all ages can connect and share information. I hadn't really given a whole lot of thoughts to the ramifications of what I post.  There were weeks and sometimes months when I didn't even check in.  Last week I was happy for some of my friends who are going to finally be able to get married.  I changed my profile picture to depict the rainbow colors on both of my pages.  There was backlash on the alumni page.  You can imagine my surprise when a couple of people complained.  They thought that making a personal statement on a public page was not PC.   I realized that there were people on the page that had no idea what the page was even for or who ran it.  I tried to change the name of the page to make it look less official.  I wanted to add my name or even the word unofficial.  Facebook wouldn't let me.  I then did something that I never dreamed I would do.  After being accused of supporting a liberal agenda and censoring posts on a public page I let out a little temper tantrum rant.  I will share the rant with you so that you will see that it wasn't anything too bad~just not my usual flying under the radar behavior:

I started this FB page for the class of 1984. I was looking for a way for us to be able to keep in touch and to get news out to one another regarding reunions, news about achievements and losses. We are a close knit group and have stayed so over the years. Others became friends with the page, so I though what the heck--if others want to be on here and connect as well so be it. I don't have the time, the desire or the energy to be attacked for anything I do or don't do on this page. It is pretty ridiculous. Aren't there better things for people to be doing? I am at a point in my life where I have worked through a lot of anxiety, depression and all of that crap that people go through every day in order to find that what others think really doesn't matter at the end of the day. I spent years tiptoeing around trying not to offend everyone. Guess what--just being who you are ALWAYS offends someone no matter how hard you try.

When you say Christian that brings a lot of different emotions out in people. Everyone has their own perception of what a Christian is. My relationship with God is exactly that--MY Relationship. He knows my heart, He knows my thoughts and He knows my intentions. I don't need to be attacked by rants claiming I am part of an agenda. Yes--I let it get under my skin. I believe some people like to get under the skin of others just to stir the pot for their own sick and twisted amusement.

This page is LANA STEPHENSON LUKE'S page that is NOT directly affiliated with Columbia High School. It is a place where if you choose, you can come, see pictures of people from your past, find old friends, ask questions that I try to find answers to and get information out about reunions, jobs, funerals, etc. It is NOT a place to attack anyone else, including me; to rant against White Salmon, CHS, Teachers, Alumni, Other people's views, ETC. I am happy to have any and all that have a problem with that hit the DEFRIEND button and start their own page somewhere else.

Though Facebook is Social Media and is Public--this page was built by me, it is maintained by me and I would go ahead and delete it all today if it weren't for the many positives that have come from it. This page has brought lost family members together, given some vital information to those who have asked and has shared good information. If you are looking for it to be something else, then look somewhere else.

It is never my intention to offend people, I hate drama (this whole thing is way too much drama for me), I avoid conflict because I am not wired for it and I really dislike politics. I believe everyone has the right to be who they are, love who they like and to answer to God in the end. I am human-I make mistakes, I am mostly clueless on a lot of things--what I do know is that I hate bullies and ranting against me when you don't know me and making me cry makes you a bully.

Needless to say, this rant generated a lot of comments which have been very positive and kind.  I feel bad though because I wasn't looking for attention--I just didn't like being accused of having an agenda and couldn't understand why this stranger was attacking me.  He doesn't know me but he was making generalizations about who I was and what I believe.  Dude--I don't even know what I believe half of the time so how can you profess to know?  I did the exact thing that I didn't want to do-I created drama.

One thing that I have learned about myself is that I am okay with the way that I am wired.  I can always wish that I was thinner, smarter, prettier and all of that, but I am who I am.  I am quirky, too talkative at times, too sullen at times, happy, depressed, dark, light, too curious, very empathetic and thanks to this guy I guess I can say that I'm liberal.  He used the word like it was an evil four letter word that I should be ashamed of.  I had to Google it (remember the wish I was smarter remark).  I knew what liberal meant, but I wasn't sure why he was using it as a curse so thought I better check in case there were other meanings.   

   lib·er·al

ˈlib(ə)rəl/

adjective

1. 1.

   open to new behavior or opinions and willing to discard traditional values.

   "they have more liberal views toward marriage and divorce than some people"
2. 2.

   (of education) concerned mainly with broadening a person's general knowledge and experience, rather than with technical or professional training
3. 
   

I see nothing wrong with being liberal.  I like to think outside the box.  It doesn't mean that I don't appreciate traditional views and that I am not traditional in some aspects of my life.  I am open-minded.  Do I think all of you need to be open-minded?  It would be nice, but maybe you aren't wired that way.   I don't hold your views against you, I just might not always agree. We can't all agree all of the time--that would be weird.  The beauty of being wired differently is that we learn and grow by being aware of differences and learning to respect those differences.    I am probably somewhat if not mostly liberal but the only agenda I have is to better myself as a person.  To me things aren't all black and white.  There are so many shades of gray in this world.  You can argue and say there aren't which is fine--maybe to you my grays don't exist.  Perception is different in every individual.     

What I know about myself:   I need to lose weight, I have a big heart, I am an empath, I am a Christian but have trouble with organized religion because I feel that many of them are too busy micromanaging people and miss the bigger message, I dislike politics and seldom vote, I love to read, I enjoy writing but seldom give myself the time to do it, I love making people laugh and smile, I believe that kindness can change the world, I hate scary movies, I cry when I watch the news, I worry about my kids more than I need to, I genuinely love people and want everyone to be happy, I hate injustice, I hate seeing people treat any living thing cruelly, I love animals, I like chocolate way too much, I need to appreciate my husband more, I can be extremely lazy when it comes to domestic issues, I get overwhelmed often and need to have more faith in my capabilities.   Okay--there is more, but I think I've used up enough space on that.

Life is short.  We all answer to God in the end.  It is time for people to stop reacting to things without trying to see both sides.  I worry about the state of our country too, but not for the same reasons as everyone else.  I worry about the children who are starving, the growing gap between the rich and the poor, gang violence, the fact that we pay entertainers way more than we pay teachers, the amount of influence the media has on public opinion, our health and the environment.  People spend way to much time pointing fingers, laying blame and saying that we are all going to Hell because the people who have always smoked pot can now smoke it legally and my gay and lesbian friends can now get married.  Isn't their marriage something that they can take up with God when they meet him?  You personally are not going to Hell because of things that other people do and worrying about it isn't a productive use of your time. Crap--I just said too much and had thoughts that don't blend in with everyone around me.  Maybe there is hope for me--maybe I can own a belief and not be ashamed of it.  Oh great--now I sound like I have an agenda.   Disregard all of this and just hug your family, love one another, be kind and be happy.  There are things more evil in this world than liberals and worse things that I could be called.