Defending The Maine

 

     I am not a person who likes drama; I usually shy away from conflict. With that said, I do feel compelled to stand up for a band that I love and that I believe in. This is a band who has been nothing but "real" and has done more for their fanbase than any other band that I know. The same people who put them up on a pedestal are now tossing them off because they are offended by a choice that the band made, a choice that I believe is noble and brave.

    I am sure that I will be skewered for those up in arms, but there has to be a voice of reason that speaks to this pitchfork and torch carrying mob who want the band to go against their own principles to appease them. I only hope that you will look at things from a different perspective and think about the situation as a whole before you roast me. Things aren't always black and white--there are many shades of grey. 

     ATL has been trying to defend themselves against allegations that they have stated over and over again are false. Have you ever considered that just maybe they are telling the truth? I am not victim shaming or standing up for those who abuse others. I have been abused but also know people who have been falsely.  Where are these supposed victims? Do you know them personally? If there are 97 victims wouldn't at least one step forward and make a case against the band? Right now it is all hearsay. It is easy to spread false information on the internet. It is done every day and obviously can be completely detrimental. ATL has been trying to clear this up through the proper channels for awhile now but everyone just wants to assume they are guilty without giving them the benefit of the doubt. Guilty until proven innocent--that is the opposite of the justice system. 

     Put yourself in the shoes of TM. Your good friends have been accused of something that they swear they didn't do. You know them better than anyone else. You believe them. Do you distance yourself from your friends because you don't want to be judged or do you stand by them and support them? A good friend stands next to you when times are tough. TM is choosing to be good friends; that is to be commended. TM is being true to themselves and we should never expect anything else. I believe in The Maine and stand by them. Any true fan should. Shaming them when they are standing firm in a choice that they made is not going to endear them to you or your ridiculous demands. 

     As for TM not explaining themselves, apologizing or whatever else you are wanting from them--why should they? They are most likely hurt, disappointed and frustrated by the way their so called fans are acting. Do you feel that you need to explain yourself to everyone who questions you and your motives? Sometimes you have to look into your heart and stand up for what you believe in. Those who are emotionally mature can respect that even if they don't agree with it. There is no need to dramatize the situation and judge those who don't agree with your line of thinking. 

    I will not miss the once in a lifetime show on 8*1*23 or the Fest--no regrets. Whatever you are. However you are. Wherever you are. You are 8123 & You are OK.

Rest in Peace........

With the recent losses of loved ones by me and those that I care about, the tragic news of a helicopter crash that killed nine souls including Kobe Bryant and his daughter was very sad to me. It brought home how precious life is and how quickly it can be over. I seem to be pondering that a lot lately and have been doing a few extra things to make sure that my last wishes are known. I am not planning on going anywhere any time soon and hope to be around to watch my granddaughters and future grandchildren grow up. There are no guarantees though. All that I can do is try to be the best version of me each and every day knowing that because I am human there will be days that I fail miserably. Hopefully I will brush myself off and try again the next day. The important part of making mistakes is learning from them and trying to do better in the future. With that said Kobe was human and made some bad mistakes, one that nearly cost him everything. Did he deny it at first--yes. Many of us deny things when we are young and stupid with a lot to lose. He did admit to his mistake though. He did not victim shame the girl, he did not make excuses, he did not make that mistake again. Instead he was forgiven by those who were closest to him and tried to make it up to them by being the best version of himself. Did he pay money to the girl in a civil suit--yes.  That is part of the legal system, he made a mistake, he caused her emotional pain, he apologized and tried to do what was right. People can judge all that they want to but at the end of the day he is someone who became a loving husband and father with the second chance that he was given.

I defended him on social media today. That may seem silly but it is a big step for me.  I like to stay quiet and not bring any negative attention to myself. I like to keep my opinions here on my own page where they are mine alone and people are less likely to call me names and start hating on me. I hate conflict and shy away from it whenever possible. I was feeling vulnerable today though.  I was thinking of my own mortality and what people would say about me when I am gone. There are some who will remember me at my lowest points and will remind everyone of any shameful moments or the mistakes that I made big and small. That will happen to all of us. We are all flawed and screw up day after day. Thankfully I am not in the limelight and my indiscretions will be small potatoes that don't really matter in the end.

Kobe did get arrested, he was skewered by the media. The young woman went through the ringer as well. She was called all sorts of names which happens when anyone makes allegations. In the end maybe each one of them made bad decisions that night. They both paid in different ways and moved on with life.

I don't believe I am the only one who was pondering today. A friend re posted this which also made me think and want to respond: 

There's a custom in many cultures to not speak ill of the dead. I, on the other hand, believe that one must speak true of the dead. The good, if there's any. The bad, especially if it was egregious. And the everything in between.

That is merely human existence. The scariest thing in the world is realizing that there are no angels or demons; just people.

I guess that's why so many of us try to turn people into one or the other.

Who and what we are is all dependent on the perception of those around us at any given moment in our lives. If we leave an impression, that impression will vary person to person even if a memory or  accounting told to another is completely misconstrued. Our truth will be seen differently by another because many others are only capable of coming to conclusions that fit inside their own box. I know and love people who refuse to think outside of the box. It makes me sad sometimes. Minds that see black and white only; minds that are incapable of moving past mistakes are minds that miss out on so much.

My response to the post regarding speaking ill of the dead: 

I am scarred, a bit jaded, I make mistakes everyday. I’ve been called a saint by some and others say I’m going to Hell. I do my best every day but because I am human I am imperfect. I try to be kind and generous but can be a complete bitch when I am tired or in pain. I try to be patient but can become completely annoyed at times. Angels and demons are titles given to all of us depending on the perspective of the one who is bestowing the label. Satan was an angel once......

I plan to be a bit kinder to myself this year. I don't want to continue to beat myself up for every stupid mistake that I ever made. There are people who don't believe that we change. Maybe a few people don't. The majority of us continue to grow and learn as we get older. Being middle aged brings such a different perspective. I am more forgiving and am working on being able to be able to speak my truth without worrying about offending people. We live in a world where people want us to walk on eggshells so that we don't offend anyone. It is exhausting and impossible not to offend people. I think being offended is a gut reaction much of the time. If you stop and try to see other perspectives it doesn't mean that you have to agree with them. It just means that you are respectfully taking into consideration what someone else is saying and why they feel that way. 

I have digressed as is usually the case. When my time comes to leave this world I hope that people will know that I tried to be a good person. I tried to live my best life and I tried to teach others to seek joy. Celebrate the good and the bad as honestly as you can with as much kindness as possible........

Under Construction........

This week I was given a new insight into myself. It seems there is a thing called Imposter Syndrome. Maybe you have heard of it, I hadn't. This discovery resonated with me and made me take a good look at my 50+ year history of not following through with big ideas and of not finishing any of the writing projects that I have started. I mean well. I guess the road to Hell is littered with my good intentions. I have a nasty habit of self-sabotage. I become busy; I dive deep into things that will help others so that I don't have to deal with any of my own stuff. I honestly love helping everyone else succeed. While helping them I bury my ideas, dreams and possibilities deep beneath a pile of busy work where they get lost and eventually forgotten. I am my own biggest obstacle--I plant giant boulders in the road to stop me from making progress. 

 Imposter syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. 'Imposters' suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence. May 7, 2008

As you can see by the date this is not a new thing--it is just new to me. I have felt like an imposter my whole life. As an adopted child I always felt like a changeling. I was living someone else's life; a life that I needed to be worthy of since it was handed to me. I have always fallen short of my own expectations and even as a child felt that I was never good enough. I have often joked that my picture is shown under the words average and/or mediocre. I am a defeatist who puts on a happy face for everyone and pretends to be good at everything when I'm really just faking my way through. Don't get me wrong. This isn't a woe is me post--quite the opposite. This feeling of inadequacy is luckily only a small part of me--one that trips me up a lot, but one that I am always battling. I do believe in being positive and in finding joy. I just seem to be amazing at encouraging everyone out there except myself.  Okay, maybe not my children either. They hear the lip service but also see me not following my dreams so they don't take me too seriously.  

I do have the gift of connecting people. My natural empathy makes me awesome at helping others identify obstacles and how to possibly maneuver around them. I just can't seem to do the same thing for myself. I am a work in progress--in 2020 I am going to be under construction. I will be working to remove any misguided judgments and false labels that I've placed upon myself. I plan to throw away the masks that I wear and embrace the scarred up, slightly damaged, aging soul that is me. I do believe that over the past year or two I have started the mask burning and have been sharing my true self. I just need to complete the transformation and allow myself the opportunity to fail. So what if I finish one of my many writing projects and everyone hates it. So what if it takes me several tries to finally publish something. I am a writer--it is what I do. Published or not it is who I am. I need to embrace it and be able to say it without feeling like I am going to be struck down for lying. We all have those voices of doubt that needle us and make us feel that we are not worthy. I really need to do an exorcism and delete those annoying voices from my brain. 

I encourage all of you to follow your dreams in 2020. It is never too late. Stop hiding behind excuses, set some goals and make sure that you succeed at what is most important to you. This year I plan to write, make healthier choices (physically, mentally and spiritually), have a few amazing adventures, walk my dog (and me) more, organize my space, de-clutter and stay positive. There is no easy fix or magic formula. It is all hard work that you do for yourself because you are worth it. I am not an imposter--I am 100% authentically me--broken bits and all........

Finding Joy.......

In 2013 I started this blog as a way to connect with others who were navigating life while searching for significance. I have loved writing my entire life and am constantly coming up with stories and ideas in my head. Self doubt has kept me from actually finishing a writing project and also from blogging regularly. With each new year we take a moment to think of new possibilities for the coming year. Sometimes we make promises to ourselves in the form of resolutions. I stopped making resolutions because breaking them always made me feel like a complete failure. I have however taken time each year to reflect on the previous year and to dream of new adventures and changes that I would like to see in the coming year.  Dare I say that in 2020 my time to write is here. The need for excuses is over. It is simply time for me to focus on the things that make me happy in life. Writing, Photography, genealogy, family and friend time, travel and connecting with people. It is time to dust off this blog and Rediscover, Reinvent and Rewrite life once again. The world changes rapidly and the ability to learn new things, to be flexible when needed, to adapt to change and to be the best possible version of ourselves are key to finding joy and balance. Joy and Balance are my goals for 2020. Joy is something that we forget to seek as we struggle with the mundane on a daily basis. It can be found in things big and small.  I encourage you to make a list of the things that bring you joy whether it is a cup of hot cocoa while sitting in front of the computer on a rainy day; snuggling up to a beloved grandchild; discovering treasure in unlikely places or simply just waking up to a new day there is always joy to be found.

I will be attempting to blog more often. I will not put a number or a timeline on it as I don't want to set myself up for another failure. Instead I will write when I am able whether it be on this blog, one of my projects or in my gratitude journal. My journey this year is also going to be about being present, being kind and developing my emotional intelligence skills. I love the book that we were asked to read at work. I have learned so much about myself and the things that I need to work on. Life is a journey--make your own map. You may get lost on the way or make a few detours. The journey is part of the adventure!

Searching for Significance.........

Writing has always been a huge part of my life. From early on I used creative writing and journalling to express myself and to get through rough periods. A few years ago I decided to try blog therapy. I had read about it and it seemed like a good idea--a new spin on something that I've always done. Unfortunately labeling and trying to define my writing had an adverse affect psychologically. Suddenly I was questioning whether or not it was really a helpful tool or if I was setting myself up for harsh judgment. Putting yourself out there is always a risk. A few people were reading my blog and claimed that they found it helpful. Although the feedback was encouraging I was having trouble articulating my thoughts. In the past I would start typing whatever came to mind with little or no thought to what I was saying. Most of the time I would type until I felt I was finished and then send it out into the world without rereading what I wrote. It became harder and harder to do that.  I felt that I needed to revise and edit my writing in order to explain myself so that I didn't sound like a complete lunatic. Most of my writing attempts were deleted because I felt they were silly and insignificant. This of course meant that my feelings were silly and insignificant.

Months went by and soon I felt that I had an incurable case of writer's block. I was depressed and having issues with anxiety so I started seeing an actual therapist. At first therapy seemed like a good idea. I was feeling okay about myself and was able to voice my deepest secrets and biggest regrets. Once spoken out loud it seemed they really were kind of stupid in the grand scheme of things--yes--silly and insignificant! The realization that the skeletons in my closet were all pretty common and mundane was a relief, but also made me feel like I wasted years worrying about them. The more the therapist downplayed my feelings the more I began to resent him. I love most everyone and actually do like my therapist but I felt that he was missing some element that kept him from truly understanding me. I guess it wasn't really his job to understand me but I wanted him to. In my mind the therapist became the bad guy. He made me look at myself from a different perspective and I found myself sorely lacking any kind of significance whatsoever. It wasn't his intention, but it is how my brain decided to interpret our sessions. I felt judged by the person that I was paying to not judge me. Maybe getting me to step outside of my comfort zone and to see myself in a different light was his job. Maybe he did exactly what he needed to to get me to make changes. Maybe traditional therapy isn't for me.

Since my deepest secrets, fears and inner demons all seem silly and insignificant all should be fine with me and I should be living happily ever after. Not so much. I am still stuck in some sort of slow motion funk where I can't seem to stop chasing my own tail. I've become a hermit who feels awkward in social situations. My personality seems to be changing and I am genuinely perplexed. It takes every amount of energy that I have to get myself to go out into the world and socialize with family and friends. I used to love being busy~I loved meeting new people and experiencing new things. These days I prefer to stay home in yoga pants and work on genealogy or other projects around the house. I have a lot of projects to keep me busy. I could probably stay locked up for months and not run out of things to do. It is so tempting.......

 I wake up each morning and tell myself that the fog in my brain needs to lift and I need to tackle my "to do" list. I end up feeling like I'm wading through molasses--I am on a super slow speed and I can't accomplish a third of what I want to in a day. Maybe I'm stressing about it all too much and need to be happy accomplishing anything at all. Maybe this is natures way of telling me that I was stuck on fast forward for too long. If this is all part of aging, it sucks. I believe it is a mindset though. I know 80 year olds who have more energy than me. I need to suck it up and change my way of thinking.

 Maybe writing will help. I need to sit here at the computer and just let all of those silly and insignificant thoughts flow out. Maybe someone will see the significance of a certain phrase. Maybe other people are experiencing strange changes in their behavior and my writing will help. Maybe I'm not a lunatic. Writing is a great form of therapy since I don't have anyone stopping me to ask me questions or ask me "how did that make you feel?" The therapist did make me see my potential. He just made me feel like I was selling myself short and pissing it away somehow. My lack of self-confidence and bouts with depression are excuses. Fear of failure keeps me stuck in place. Knowledge is great, but figuring out what to do with the knowledge is a whole other matter.

I do have a tendency to completely over think every situation. Maybe I just need to relax and ride this out. There are different seasons in our lives and this is just a transition into that dreaded middle age. If I embrace it and look at the positive side of it I'm sure my perspective will change. Slowing down is not a bad thing as long as I don't come to a complete stop. During this lull maybe I will finally find a job that I enjoy. The search for the right job seems to be never ending. Of course I need a bit of confidence so that I don't set myself up for failure. It is time to start writing again and to start having a deeper appreciation for all that I do have. If I look at things with a different attitude I will see that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. I also need to remember that my family and friends love me---that in itself is very significant.

Music, Musings and Memories.....

Here is a post that I started back on a snowy January day. Not sure it was worth finding and rewording, but it does have its merits:

It has been a rough few weeks with an overload of politics in the media and snowpocolypse making some of us stir crazy and little on edge. When I don't have my nose in a book or using blog therapy to de-clutter my busy mind I like to lose myself in music. Music was my first form of therapy though I didn't realize that was what it was. Growing up I had my own record player and a collection of 45's by the time I was six. I loved American Pie~even though you had to turn the record over halfway through the song which totally disrupted the flow. My brother broke my Donny Osmond "Puppy Love" single because I played it over and over too many times and apparently drove him to the brink of temporary insanity. I cried to "Billy Don't Be a Hero", "Season's in the Sun" and a sad song called "Rocky"by Austin Roberts. These were the ballads of my elementary school years that I would sing loudly in the shower, to my friends and in the car. I sang constantly which probably made more than a few people crazy since I have no musical talent to speak of. I grew up in a small town where our elementary school was blessed with the best Music Teacher ever in  my opinion. Miss Killip taught us "One Tin Soldier", "Puff the Magic Dragon", "Windy" and "Seattle" which were added to the set list of my personal performances. In 2015 we were lucky enough to have her come to our  multi class reunion to lead a few of us in a sing along that took us back forty years. Sitting with some of my classmates reliving music class was an experience that I feel so lucky to have had. I don't think that Miss Killip has an inkling of how many lives she touched and the happiness she brought to a town full of kids in the 70's.

In the fourth grade I received one of those boxy tape recorders that had the wood grain finish. I would sit for hours waiting for my favorite song to come on the radio and pray that the DJ wouldn't talk over the first lines. I'd sit and work to decipher the lyrics never dreaming that someday something called Google would magically pull up the lyrics to songs just by typing in a few words or a line. My children will never understand the hours of waiting for a certain song to come on the radio. The heartache of breaking a favorite record or not being able to find that little plastic thing that went in the middle of a 45 so that you could play it on your record player. Sometimes your cassette player would eat your favorite cassette and you prayed that you could fix it by using a pencil to help you spool it back together. The sadness you felt when everything went quickly from 8 track to cassette and you were left with all of these useless 8 track albums that you couldn't play anymore.

I can't even begin to make a dent in all of the artists who I love to listen to on any given day depending on my mood and what memories I want to invoke. Journey takes me back to White Salmon cruising around in Michael Bini's Pink Cadillac. Duran Duran reminds me of my amazing Walkman with the double jack ~ my best friend Linette and I could listen at the same time. Traci Eccles' VW Bug cranked out Cheap Trick with strict instructions that we couldn't sing along and ruin the experience. Bohemian Rhapsody is a song of two Kelly/Kelli's. I first heard it in Kelly Van Alstine's room and was instantly in love. I passed that love to my children. My daughter Kelli and I love to sing it in the car and bang our heads like Wayne and Garth in Wayne's World when it starts rocking near the end. Van Halen's Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love also reminds me of  my childhood friend Kelly. A trailer park at Spring Street Trailer Court is where my friend Angie Graves and I discovered Aerosmith and "Toys In the Attic". On a fourth grade spelling test we were all whispering the words to "Saturday Night" by the Bay City Rollers under our breath so that we could make sure to get the correct spelling of Saturday. A neighbor names Lisa Marks loved the Bay City Rollers and we'd listen to them for hours as we poured over Tiger Beat Magazine. I could go on for hours but I think you get it. There are dozens and dozens more songs and memories.

In 1981 as I was about to enter my sophomore year of High School MTV came on the air. Due to the fact that many bands hadn't yet recorded music videos we were introduced to some obscure one hit wonders who did have music videos. "Fish Heads" by Barnes & Barnes, "Mexican Radio" by Wall of Voodoo and "Video Killed the Radio Star" by the Buggles were a few of my new favorites.

In college I loved the album Purple Rain by Prince. I was a bit shocked but thrilled when my husband bought a Prince CD to play in his truck several years ago. We differ in our music tastes most of the time but there are moments when we wholeheartedly agree on an artist. Besides Prince we love Pink and Matchbox 20. We have a hard time traveling together because like my friend Traci in high school, he doesn't appreciate me singing along and ruining the experience. I love him but I prefer road trips with my daughter and friends like Shannon who put up with me when I say "I love this song" for the hundredth time as we barrel down the road with the music cranked and me singing at the top of my lungs. Bad as it is, I'm happy when I'm singing. My road trip play list is an eclectic mix of old and new that puts me on an emotional roller coaster but I don't mind. I have always been a fan of Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell album. My son Kyle fell in love with Dream On by Aerosmith when he was three and to this day that is his ring tone on our phones. I laughed pretty hard when I realized my son Nicholas knew all of the words to "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor.

 I have had the opportunity to take a few road trips with my daughter recently. Our shared love for music and singing loudly in the car makes for stress free moments and leads us on long strolls down memory lane. I have always been a lover of music and a listener of lyrics. To me the lyrics are just as important as the music itself. There are lines in songs that can make me laugh, bring me to tears and evoke bright, colorful memories. I love the fact that someone out there is able to find words that describe my emotions when I can't find those words myself. I think I just might start writing posts about my favorite lyrics. This one has gone on long enough though. Never underestimate the power of music.

Savor the Silver Linings

In a perfect world there would be plenty of extra hours to do all of the things on my to do list as well as an abundance of energy to ensure that I'm able to make it all happen. My world is far from perfect so here I sit trying to figure out which of the dozens of blog ideas floating around in my head will finally get typed into reality. It has been a few months since I've sat in front of a blank screen to actually unclog my brain. I have what my meditation guru calls Monkey Brain. It is constantly going 1000 miles per hour in several different directions. When I don't take time to sit and clear it out my head spins in circles and I feel completely overwhelmed. Needless to say I haven't meditated, blogged, hiked or done any of the things recently that help calm me down and keep me sane. I haven't fallen over the edge into insanity yet thankfully! Today I am taking a bit of time out of this gloriously sunny day to breathe, think and regroup.

For those of you who have read my blogs before, thank you. I don't actually write with the intention that anyone will ever actually read it. I am always hopeful that if my words do find their way to someone that they glean something helpful or at least a bit entertaining from anything I have to say.

My year has been complicated a bit so far by my dogs who are no longer on speaking terms, my children who are all planning to move shortly and by my desire to juggle several projects at once. I will address the dogs in a separate blog since that is an ongoing drama that will hopefully get a happy ending in the next six to eight weeks. My fingers are crossed that my children find fitting apartments and be settled in during that time frame as well. I worry about my kids--most moms do. I know they will be fine but I give myself a little time each day to worry about them. I say a few prayers, shoo away the worst case scenario visions that cross my brain and hope for the best.

They say that settling into a new home takes at least a year. I believe it. We have been in Canby now for over 9 months. There is still a mountain of boxes in the garage, projects that need to be done in order to finish unpacking and a wish list a mile long. We are slowly getting there but some days it all just makes me tired. I love our house, our neighborhood and our new community--I just don't feel settled yet. Maybe getting the dogs situated, getting the kids' stuff out of the mountain in the garage and finding time to sit back and relax will help.

In the midst of worrying over dogs and kids I am working more than I was, slowly losing weight, trying to maneuver my way through Ancestry.Com to work on genealogy, planning a couple of big trips, attempting to be a productive member of the paranormal group I belong to, falling behind on putting the reunion together for this summer and beating myself up over being a bad daughter, mother, mother-in-law, grandma, niece, sister and friend to all of those who are wondering where the Hell I've been. I usually read 1-2 books per week--I haven't read a book in over a month. I have hundreds of pictures sitting in the media room waiting for me to do a picture project that has been on my to do list for the past three years. The project moved with us and is still taunting me! I really, really need to remember the lessons from my stress management class on time management skills. There aren't enough hours in the day--damn me for needing sleep! Just typing all of this makes me want a nap. Looking at my calendar I can possibly manage a nap after the Timbers play on Mother's Day afternoon.  If it is sunny though we may need to get some yard work done at that time!

So far it seems all I'm doing is whining about all of the things I have to do and not having the time to do them. I need to turn all of that around. I am super blessed to have children and dogs to worry about. I am lucky to be healthy and to have hobbies that keep me busy. I am happy to  have friends and relatives who would like to see me and hundreds of pictures that represent memories. Yes-I am tired. Yes-I am overwhelmed. I am also grateful for my life and every little detail--good and bad.

It is very important to take a bit of time each day to be grateful. We take so much for granted and sometimes the stress of the day takes the shine off of what we are so lucky to have. I am really trying to focus more on being grateful, kind and positive. Keeping a positive outlook changes not only your attitude but the attitude of those around you. We went through a lot of craziness to end up in this beautiful new home so how can I be unhappy about the amount of time it is taking to settle in? I'm not unhappy. I had unrealistic expectations of my ability to get certain things done in a set amount of time. No one is timing me though--life isn't a race. I will get the projects done when I get them done. I will lose weight when I lose weight. I will do my best to spend quality time with family and friends. I will be the best dog mom that I can be and I will savor the silver linings. There is a sky filled with clouds but every damn one of them has a silver lining if you look for it.