I wasn't looking for my job when I found it. I was unhappily working at Target, but figured I could tough it out awhile longer while I tried to figure out what to do next. I was going through Craig's List one day and happened upon an ad for a job in downtown Oregon City at a little furniture shop that had always caught my eye. It is one of those places you pass several times per week, but never stop in. I had always planned to. They put some of their stuff out on the sidewalk so that anyone driving by the busy intersection would see that they had great stuff. Since the job was posted on Craig"s List I figured there would be several applicants, but it wouldn't hurt to try. I typed up my resume', wrote a letter and dropped it by. As soon as I walked into the shop I loved it. I wasn't quite sure what they thought about me, but it became crystal clear to me that I needed a change and that this would be a good one.
I was nervous when they hired me. I started learning to use tools, do minor repairs and make old furniture look new again. Downtown Oregon City is a wonderful place to work. It is full of history and colorful characters. Getting used to some of these characters has been challenging for me at times. I have a kind heart and that can lead to awkward situations. There was the day that I spent over three hours being held captive by the one armed man. He wasn't physically holding me captive, he just wouldn't leave the shop and I was too scared to ask him to. He looked a bit deranged with his dirty hair and beard. He wouldn't look me in the eye and he paced a lot. In the front of the store, in the back of the store, I didn't know what to make of him. I texted one of my friends, I texted my boss and I called my husband. They were all telling me in different ways to make him leave. If he was making me nervous, then of course he was making customers nervous. He would sit and read for awhile, then resume his pacing. He would go outside and smoke, then come back in again. I let my imagination run wild and was sure he was plotting my demise. My boss offered to come in. I declined, I needed to take care of it without him. My husband came by on his way home from work to check out the situation. He said the only way for me to feel comfortable at work was for me to take care of it on my own. He was there if I needed him, but it was up to me to say something. All it took was for me to finally politely ask him to leave. He ran out and I have never seen him again. I felt so stupid for letting the situation drag on when the solution was so simple. Since that day I have grown thicker skin and have been pretty good with handling tough situations.
Today I was feeling jumpy. There was some kind of police activity going on outside and though I had several policemen within shouting distance, I was still feeling alone and vulnerable. As I was putting my lunch in the refrigerator I found a cigarette. My co-worker must have dropped it when she brought some stuff in overnight. I put it on the counter for her to find later and went about my business. I was fully engrossed in vacuuming a love seat when I realized I wasn't alone. I looked up and a homeless woman I try to avoid was standing there staring at me. She is well known in the area and isn't always pleasant. She likes to yell at people. I turned off the vacuum cleaner and sent a silent prayer that I could handle whatever she had to say.
She asked me if I had a cigarette. I thought of the cigarette that I had found only a half hour before. To me it was divine intervention. I could not handle being yelled at by this woman today. I told her that I don't smoke and usually don't have cigarettes, but today I happened to have found one and that she was welcome to have it. She mumbled a gruff thank you, took it and left. I felt happy to have averted a negative situation and resumed my day in a better mood.
When my boss dropped in later this afternoon I told him about how I happened upon this cigarette and was so happy to have it to offer when the lady appeared. He said I should never have given it to her. Now she will be back expecting more. I didn't think of it that way. I think I am going to continue looking at it from the perspective I started with--it was a good thing. The cigarette was divine intervention on a day when I couldn't handle a confrontation. If she comes back expecting more, I don't know what I will do. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Maybe if she returns and yells at me I will politely ask her to leave. If I am lucky she will run out the door and I will never see her again, if I'm not, I may have to start carrying a cigarette in my pocket.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Mama told me there would be days like these........
Oh the joys of deciding to live a positive life. You map out a plan, make a list or two, put some stuff on the calendar and decide nothing is going to get you down. Then reality hits. Reality is a bitch. I wish I could live my entire life in a delusion filled dream where I float around without a care in the world bestowing light and happiness on everyone in my wake. No, I haven't been eating any magic mushrooms today. I am just fighting a nasty case of the blues. Sometimes they blindside you and hit you like a ton of bricks. You are going along feeling like things are looking up, then you fall on your face and wonder what just happened. It is life, there are good days and bad days. It is one big roller coaster. You can fight it kicking and screaming, or you can put on your seat belt and enjoy the ride. With me, it seems there is a bit of both. Today I seem to be kicking and screaming. I really need to climb out of this hole I fell in over the weekend and find that nice warm cloud I was floating around on last week.
The sad thing is that it doesn't take much for negative thoughts to find me. I swear there is an evil little voice in my head that loves to fill me with doubt and remind me that I'm not worthy of happiness. What a nasty little thing it is. Self-doubt, low self-esteem, echoes of the past~they are all residing somewhere in our heads waiting to take over. I wish I could banish them completely. I have tried several times and have been feeling pretty upbeat lately. It just takes one little slip, one negative whisper, a bit of negative energy and the next thing I know I am in a melancholy fog feeling overwhelmed.
I am learning the power of positive thinking, the importance of surrounding myself with positive people and giving myself a break once in awhile. I am so very hard on myself as I am sure most people are. I expect so much more out of me than I do others. I am not super woman and that is okay. There is no right or wrong way to go about change, no race and no opinion that really matters more than my own. I am on a path that only I can navigate. I have been given some awesome traveling companions and cheerleaders. If I have to surround myself with affirmations, then so be it. I will make it.
Tomorrow I plan to wake up and make it a good day. No negative thoughts, no worries or regrets--just a good attitude, a new day and thousands of possibilities.......
The sad thing is that it doesn't take much for negative thoughts to find me. I swear there is an evil little voice in my head that loves to fill me with doubt and remind me that I'm not worthy of happiness. What a nasty little thing it is. Self-doubt, low self-esteem, echoes of the past~they are all residing somewhere in our heads waiting to take over. I wish I could banish them completely. I have tried several times and have been feeling pretty upbeat lately. It just takes one little slip, one negative whisper, a bit of negative energy and the next thing I know I am in a melancholy fog feeling overwhelmed.
I am learning the power of positive thinking, the importance of surrounding myself with positive people and giving myself a break once in awhile. I am so very hard on myself as I am sure most people are. I expect so much more out of me than I do others. I am not super woman and that is okay. There is no right or wrong way to go about change, no race and no opinion that really matters more than my own. I am on a path that only I can navigate. I have been given some awesome traveling companions and cheerleaders. If I have to surround myself with affirmations, then so be it. I will make it.
Tomorrow I plan to wake up and make it a good day. No negative thoughts, no worries or regrets--just a good attitude, a new day and thousands of possibilities.......
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Reality Check......
January has reached it's halfway point and I am taking stock of where I am with that list of goals I created for the New Year. Of course we are only three weeks in so I can't expect to have saved the world already, but I do need to see if I am on the right track and switch things up if need be.
I have high hopes for 2013. I feel an energy that I haven't felt in years. I have hopes, plans and dreams and none of them seem that far out of reach. I try to be realistic when setting goals. It is hard to admit that my youth is gone and with it go some of the possibilities of who I could have become. We are all given choices in life that shape who we are. I let myself be disillusioned for awhile because I wasn't the person I wanted to be. I was so busy beating myself up for not being thin, world traveled, sophisticated and highly accomplished that I couldn't see the good in my life. I have a home, a family who loves me, a group of wonderful friends and a world of possibilities still at my feet. I am alive, healthy and full of hope. All of that could change tomorrow, so why am I wasting time being pissed at the frumpy soccer mom in the mirror?
My first goal was to be healthier, have more energy and to take better care of my body. Body image was something that was drilled into me growing up. My mother was never happy with her weight or the way she looked. She had a list of things that she wanted to achieve someday when she was thin. I can't subscribe to that thinking. I don't have time for life to pass me by while I am trying to get the scale to give me a number that I think would be acceptable. Yes, a thinner me would be wonderful. I would love to live my life as a smaller version, but all I can do is strive for it and if it happens it happens. It isn't going to happen over night. I have been eating healthier, taking supplements, drinking water and avoiding sugar for three weeks now. I wish I could say that I dropped 20 pounds because who doesn't want quick results? I have lost 5 pounds. I need to see that as a positive and not beat myself up that it isn't enough. My goal going into January was to lose 45 pounds by the time I go see Bon Jovi in April. That may or may not happen. I would like to see at least 20 pounds gone by then, but I can't beat myself up if I am making changes and my body is slow to reward me. In the past I have had success. Unfortunately as soon as life throws a curve ball I fix it by eating cookies until I am heavy again. I have picked up some pretty important coping skills since my last weight loss attempt. I believe that I could keep the weight off this time around if I lose it in the first place. Every person is different and finding what works for the individual is one key to weight loss. The first step to being successful though is to believe. That sounds corny, but it is so true. When I lost before I was confident that I was capable and I believed in what I was doing. I stayed positive and was rewarded. In my attempts since then I have not really believed. I let the fact that it came back weigh me down and make me skeptical. Staying at an optimum weight is not something diet alone can fix. It is a lifestyle change and conscious choices made every day. You have to be in the right frame of mind, be kind to yourself and have support to make it happen. I have been positive until today. Today I stepped on the scale hoping to see something new and amazing and saw a number I have seen for several days. I have to say that it made me discouraged for a few minutes. I thought what am I doing wrong? I am following my plan, I am being good, why am I not seeing results? Maybe my body wants to make sure I am serious this time. This is usually the point when I say this isn't working, screw it. I am not in a race, so I am going to take a deep breath, whine for one second and be over it. I will lose weight this year. I will live a healthier lifestyle and I will have more energy. I already have more energy. I just need to stay on track and not let myself start back pedaling or thinking negatively. Negative thinking is so detrimental to us on many levels. I am my own worst critic and sabotage myself constantly. No more!
My second goal is to write more and to finally finish one of my book projects. This is going well. I feel like the blog is helping and giving me an added boost to my creativity. I have picked the book back up and am making some minor changes. It is hard when you started something four years ago. I have grown as a person and my writing has improved. I have to pick this up, remember what I was trying to achieve with it and find the passion again to believe in the story and put it on paper. It is fiction, so it can go any direction I choose. It is also meant to be a light read. I am not seeking to make my first ever novel be a work of literary genius. I would like to achieve a fun little chick lit murder mystery that is a quick read and somewhat entertaining. If if happens, great, if I finish it and it deserves to be filed away, so be it. The goal is to finish it. To work on it, learn what it takes to see a project through and then go from there. I have had people ask me how I plan to publish it. I honestly don't want to think about that process right now. My main objective is to finish it. I have several very different novel ideas on my computer. Most are not very far evolved, just ideas sitting there waiting for further development. There is another fiction series that does not involve murder, a couple of non-fiction works and even a children's book. The one I am currently writing is the one that has the most time and energy put into it so far. It grew to be 9 chapters and almost half finished before it was put on the back burner. I have been working on balance these past few years. It is not always easy to balance work, family, social life and writing. When you write, your characters want you to spend time with them developing them and bringing them to life. It is hard to be in the middle of a scene, trying to get it right, then have to stop to pick someone up from school or make dinner. It is life though and finding a way to fit it all in is par for the course. I have been given a wonderful schedule that will allow me to achieve balance much easier this year. It will take a bit of creative juggling once in awhile, but it is possible and for that I am extremely thankful.
In order to achieve my writing goals I planned to join a writing group that I had head about at CCC. I don't need to go into a lot of detail because I wrote about the group and my hopes in more detail yesterday. I did not go back. I was going to go back and give it a chance, but had a change of heart. I did not feel a connection. I do not want to force a connection. If it isn't worth the two hours per week I would be putting into it, then there is no reason to go back. They are a group of people who are where they need to be, but it isn't necessarily where I need to be. Maybe I need to be typing a blog entry or writing another chapter on Wednesday afternoons. I have the time, I want to utilize it to the best of my ability. I have decided to put together my own group that will be more in tune to what I need and hopefully be beneficial to the others who join as well. I want a group that I look forward to spending time with. At CCC I was watching the clock. When I am watching the clock, that means I am wasting my time. If I was really getting something out of it I would be too enthralled to watch the clock.
Water aerobics will take some time to make a priority. Today I felt like writing and revamped chapter 2 when I should have been in water aerobics. I will work it out so that I take time for exercise, for now if I need time to be drawn back into my forgotten novel, so be it. There are no rights or wrongs. I can't beat myself up for what I should be doing, especially when I feel that I am making progress on something else equally if not more important.
I have been given the gift of a few new perspectives in my life in the form of old acquaintances who are fast becoming new friends. These friends are adding a new dimension and helping me to see that I am heading in the right direction. Old friends are also being supportive and reminding me that I can be the person I want to be. Actually, I am the person I want to be. I just didn't appreciate me before because I wasn't the Hollywood version of me. I don't need Hollywood, I don't need to be who others believe I should be. I am me and there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I am quirky, a bit weird and full of love and kindness. Sorry if I am too nice, too weird or too frumpy for you. Those who matter know I'm worth their time. Reality check, pep talk over, back to chapter three!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
A Rocky Start........
In the past few months I have been gearing up to make 2013 a year of writing. I have several projects in various stages. This year I have to finish something and attempt to publish it. That is the goal. In order to keep on track I have set up a schedule and added a few things that were meant to help out. Setting time on my calendar was the easy part. I have at least two days per week that it is mandatory for me to write at least something. I went to great lengths to create a writing space. For the first time EVER, we have a spare room in our house. With Nicholas on his own and no more exchange students there is a room that is designated as my writing office. My boss helped me find the right writing desk. I cleaned out and rearranged the space to make it friendly and functional. I added a zillion pictures of my favorite people and my best memories. I tacked up a few affirmations to remind me that I can do this!! My friend Chris put together a computer for me that is for writing only. The only other thing I am allowed to do is to use it for photo storage. I have it so that it is in a quiet place and purposely don't have it set up to the Internet so I don't get distracted. Antone bought me a nice Ipod dock for Christmas so I can quietly play my music when I need inspiration--everything was coming together. Today was the first day that I planned to write in there. I loaded all of my writing projects onto a memory stick, loaded them into the computer and got ready to get down to business. Damn I hate being computer illiterate. All of my files were saved in the 2007 version of Word. The writing computer does not have that version. It isn't on the Internet so I couldn't download a newer version of word. If I had any energy left, I could have came back to my main computer, re saved everything in a Word version that would work and reloaded it back onto the writing computer. That was just too much for me today. Instead I shut the computer down, turned out the lights in the writing room and came back to my comfortable computer. Of course I am not working on the novel, I am too busy blogging, working on the look of my blog, building a Facebook page for my blog posts and ignoring my novel. It will still be there tomorrow when I have more energy.
Speaking of tomorrow, tomorrow is Wednesday. What is so special about Wednesday? In order to keep myself on track this year I signed up for a Women's Writing group that meets on Wednesdays from 12-2. Two different friends read about it and thought it would be a great place for me to meet other writers, share ideas and get inspiration. It seemed perfect. Last week was my first class. I walked in with high hopes. It turned out that my vision of what I want in a writing group and what this writing group actually is don't line up. I am tempted to stay home and write tomorrow during the time I should be in class. The class is something you sign up for through CCC, but you don't actually pay for it. Since it is free, it shouldn't matter if I never show up again. Fortunately or unfortunately, whichever way you want to look at it, I have got to go back and give it a chance. What I hoped for was a group of like minded women who talked about what they were writing, shared some knowledge about getting published, working through writer's block and anything else that would be helpful. Instead I was intimidated by a group of academic women who all seemed to know one another well and got right down to business. We did go around the room and say our names and what we like to write. There were 15-20 women, most of who are older than me, who were very comfortable there. The group has been meeting for the past 17 years and some of them have been there all along. Since these women had been going, they knew what was expected of them. The ones who wanted to share each brought several copies of something they were working on. Each woman gets only a short amount of time, so if they are writing a novel they only bring 3-4 pages. They read their work and afterwards there is a brief discussion, you write down your comments on the copy you were given to read along with and you hand it back to the writer.
Did I mention these women are academics? The novel that I am the furthest along on is a murder mystery that is a pretty light and easy read. It could be viewed as Chick Lit. Most of these women were writing things more serious in nature and were good at what they are doing. Two of the women are writing memoirs and they are memoirs worth reading. The first is married to a man who knew Amelia Earhart. He has firsthand knowledge of one of the most amazing women in history who happened to have disappeared mysteriously. People are intrigued by Amelia Earhart. The second memoir is by a woman who was a nun for several years when she was young. It is about leaving the convent and making her way into the world. How does one follow that? There were several blurbs from different writers, all made me feel silly and school girlish. How is my small town kindergarten teacher going to compete? Okay, I know, she doesn't have to. They are writing one kind of book and I am writing a whole different kind. Does my book belong in a group of academic women? I'm not sure. Maybe I should work on that one quietly at home and take a different project to the CCC group. I will need to decide. Thankfully there isn't time for everyone to read and not everyone wants to. It is okay if I choose to sit quietly among these women and observe. Maybe I will learn something, maybe I will just pretend to be listening and let my mind wander. I am so damn good at daydreaming. I have two hours to kill, I am not looking for a grade, I have no homework, I may as well see where this little adventure takes me. The term is 12 weeks. Can I make it all the way through? That remains to be seen. For now I will commit to three weeks and see how I feel after the third class.
In the meantime I plan to put together a small group of my own. A group of like minded ladies who will brainstorm, share ideas and possibly even work on a few projects together as we cheer one another on in our personal projects. We can kindly give suggestions, redirect stories that are hitting a dead end and find our own cures for writer's block.
Speaking of tomorrow, tomorrow is Wednesday. What is so special about Wednesday? In order to keep myself on track this year I signed up for a Women's Writing group that meets on Wednesdays from 12-2. Two different friends read about it and thought it would be a great place for me to meet other writers, share ideas and get inspiration. It seemed perfect. Last week was my first class. I walked in with high hopes. It turned out that my vision of what I want in a writing group and what this writing group actually is don't line up. I am tempted to stay home and write tomorrow during the time I should be in class. The class is something you sign up for through CCC, but you don't actually pay for it. Since it is free, it shouldn't matter if I never show up again. Fortunately or unfortunately, whichever way you want to look at it, I have got to go back and give it a chance. What I hoped for was a group of like minded women who talked about what they were writing, shared some knowledge about getting published, working through writer's block and anything else that would be helpful. Instead I was intimidated by a group of academic women who all seemed to know one another well and got right down to business. We did go around the room and say our names and what we like to write. There were 15-20 women, most of who are older than me, who were very comfortable there. The group has been meeting for the past 17 years and some of them have been there all along. Since these women had been going, they knew what was expected of them. The ones who wanted to share each brought several copies of something they were working on. Each woman gets only a short amount of time, so if they are writing a novel they only bring 3-4 pages. They read their work and afterwards there is a brief discussion, you write down your comments on the copy you were given to read along with and you hand it back to the writer.
Did I mention these women are academics? The novel that I am the furthest along on is a murder mystery that is a pretty light and easy read. It could be viewed as Chick Lit. Most of these women were writing things more serious in nature and were good at what they are doing. Two of the women are writing memoirs and they are memoirs worth reading. The first is married to a man who knew Amelia Earhart. He has firsthand knowledge of one of the most amazing women in history who happened to have disappeared mysteriously. People are intrigued by Amelia Earhart. The second memoir is by a woman who was a nun for several years when she was young. It is about leaving the convent and making her way into the world. How does one follow that? There were several blurbs from different writers, all made me feel silly and school girlish. How is my small town kindergarten teacher going to compete? Okay, I know, she doesn't have to. They are writing one kind of book and I am writing a whole different kind. Does my book belong in a group of academic women? I'm not sure. Maybe I should work on that one quietly at home and take a different project to the CCC group. I will need to decide. Thankfully there isn't time for everyone to read and not everyone wants to. It is okay if I choose to sit quietly among these women and observe. Maybe I will learn something, maybe I will just pretend to be listening and let my mind wander. I am so damn good at daydreaming. I have two hours to kill, I am not looking for a grade, I have no homework, I may as well see where this little adventure takes me. The term is 12 weeks. Can I make it all the way through? That remains to be seen. For now I will commit to three weeks and see how I feel after the third class.
In the meantime I plan to put together a small group of my own. A group of like minded ladies who will brainstorm, share ideas and possibly even work on a few projects together as we cheer one another on in our personal projects. We can kindly give suggestions, redirect stories that are hitting a dead end and find our own cures for writer's block.
Let's Talk About Sex Baby.........
That song has been going through my head for a week now. We watched a movie last week that happened to use a snippet of the song in a scene. It wasn't even a major scene, but the damn song stuck. Now I have it rolling through my head. Of course it is more appropriate than last year when "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry was stuck there. What was even more inappropriate than the song being in my head was that my kids knew the song was in my head and they thought it was hilarious. It wasn't hilarious to me knowing that my kids knew that song and knew that I knew it.....
A word of warning before you go any further. This blog may have a little different feel than the others. I like to use humor to help me through things that are hard. There may be a little humor laced in this one, but probably not enough. It is a bit darker and a bit more than I would have felt comfortable sharing yesterday. The things that I wrote were to help me through a personal healing process. Some of you will think it is too much info and some of you may judge me. Keep your judgments to yourself, I have been judged enough in this lifetime for choices I made as a child. I am letting that child off the hook now. She was dealt a hand and did the best she could with the knowledge she had. She was scared and ashamed and I have been so hard on her. The inner child in all of us needs to be loved and nurtured. If that child had been anyone else but me, I would have been angry at those who hurt her and would have shown her love and kindness. I expected more out of myself and never let my inner child forget it. Today I am treating her the way she deserves to be treated. All of us have an inner child. It is a big part of who you are--be nice to that kid and show it a little love now and then.
I had the most amazing lunch date with a friend today. Okay, so she is someone who just became a friend. She is the wife of a high school classmate and someone I have always felt drawn to, but have never spent time with until today. It was one of those lunch dates where you are almost too busy talking to actually eat. Since we hadn't spent time alone together before I was worried there might be awkward silences if we didn't have anything in common. That was so not the case. We had so much in common that we talked for nearly three hours. If we didn't both have places to be, we could easily have been there another three.
I told her things that either no one knows or that I have only shared with a few people before. I opened up the closet and started throwing skeletons out left and right. She was so good about listening, throwing her own skeletons out there and making me know that it is time to deal with this stuff and be done with it. What came out today is that I am filled with guilt and shame over things that happened to me as a child. I can honestly tell you that I do not remember a time in my life that I didn't know about sex. I knew more than any preschooler should about the workings of the human body and what certain parts could be used for. I was given carnal knowledge and taught dark and dirty games by neighborhood teens. I have long since forgotten details, not that they would be important anyway. What is important is that the little girl I used to be grew up with a skewed image of her own sexuality and made some poor choices in life because of it. I put myself in some precarious situations, was seen as a complete and total slut by some and still fight with inner demons who tell me I will never be good enough.
Why do I need to blog about this. Well, it seems that my story isn't all that uncommon. Lots of children are abused on some level. The world is full of broken people who are so worried about the past and how they handled life back then that they let it distort their future. I am my biggest obstacle in becoming who I really want to be. I listen to that voice who tells me I am not good enough. The voice that says I am too heavy, I'm not educated enough, I can't learn new things, I am not worthy. The voice holds me back and I am ready to finally kick it to the curb. I think most everyone has a voice that tries to discourage them. It is an echo of a parent, a bully, a sibling or someone who decided to hurt us with words when we were younger. Those words play like a broken record in the back of our minds. They should have been swept out a long time ago. I didn't realize how much power those voices had over me until it came out today as we were talking. There was a recurring theme at lunch and I heard it very clearly today. I may have to go out an buy a shock collar to wear around while I am exorcising the voice. Every time I say something negative about myself I get shocked. My husband has been telling me for years to stop beating myself up. Why didn't I listen? I must not have been ready. I am ready now. I am ready to be the person I want to be. The person I am capable of being. I am smart, funny, helpful, kind and loyal. I want to shine light on the dark places, make people laugh, help others find their way and be that someone that you can talk to anyone about. In order for me to help others I have to start with myself. Writing these words down, publishing them and owning them give me strength.
Back to sex for a minute........sex is good when it is consensual. It should make you feel good whether it is for fun, for love or whatever the reason. You should engage in sex with someone you respect and who respects you in return. If it hurts, feels wrong, makes you feel guilty or ashamed, then you are with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Be safe and make good choices. Don't let anyone break you or make you feel less than you are. Okay, enough said. Back to lighthearted humor tomorrow.....
A word of warning before you go any further. This blog may have a little different feel than the others. I like to use humor to help me through things that are hard. There may be a little humor laced in this one, but probably not enough. It is a bit darker and a bit more than I would have felt comfortable sharing yesterday. The things that I wrote were to help me through a personal healing process. Some of you will think it is too much info and some of you may judge me. Keep your judgments to yourself, I have been judged enough in this lifetime for choices I made as a child. I am letting that child off the hook now. She was dealt a hand and did the best she could with the knowledge she had. She was scared and ashamed and I have been so hard on her. The inner child in all of us needs to be loved and nurtured. If that child had been anyone else but me, I would have been angry at those who hurt her and would have shown her love and kindness. I expected more out of myself and never let my inner child forget it. Today I am treating her the way she deserves to be treated. All of us have an inner child. It is a big part of who you are--be nice to that kid and show it a little love now and then.
I had the most amazing lunch date with a friend today. Okay, so she is someone who just became a friend. She is the wife of a high school classmate and someone I have always felt drawn to, but have never spent time with until today. It was one of those lunch dates where you are almost too busy talking to actually eat. Since we hadn't spent time alone together before I was worried there might be awkward silences if we didn't have anything in common. That was so not the case. We had so much in common that we talked for nearly three hours. If we didn't both have places to be, we could easily have been there another three.
I told her things that either no one knows or that I have only shared with a few people before. I opened up the closet and started throwing skeletons out left and right. She was so good about listening, throwing her own skeletons out there and making me know that it is time to deal with this stuff and be done with it. What came out today is that I am filled with guilt and shame over things that happened to me as a child. I can honestly tell you that I do not remember a time in my life that I didn't know about sex. I knew more than any preschooler should about the workings of the human body and what certain parts could be used for. I was given carnal knowledge and taught dark and dirty games by neighborhood teens. I have long since forgotten details, not that they would be important anyway. What is important is that the little girl I used to be grew up with a skewed image of her own sexuality and made some poor choices in life because of it. I put myself in some precarious situations, was seen as a complete and total slut by some and still fight with inner demons who tell me I will never be good enough.
Why do I need to blog about this. Well, it seems that my story isn't all that uncommon. Lots of children are abused on some level. The world is full of broken people who are so worried about the past and how they handled life back then that they let it distort their future. I am my biggest obstacle in becoming who I really want to be. I listen to that voice who tells me I am not good enough. The voice that says I am too heavy, I'm not educated enough, I can't learn new things, I am not worthy. The voice holds me back and I am ready to finally kick it to the curb. I think most everyone has a voice that tries to discourage them. It is an echo of a parent, a bully, a sibling or someone who decided to hurt us with words when we were younger. Those words play like a broken record in the back of our minds. They should have been swept out a long time ago. I didn't realize how much power those voices had over me until it came out today as we were talking. There was a recurring theme at lunch and I heard it very clearly today. I may have to go out an buy a shock collar to wear around while I am exorcising the voice. Every time I say something negative about myself I get shocked. My husband has been telling me for years to stop beating myself up. Why didn't I listen? I must not have been ready. I am ready now. I am ready to be the person I want to be. The person I am capable of being. I am smart, funny, helpful, kind and loyal. I want to shine light on the dark places, make people laugh, help others find their way and be that someone that you can talk to anyone about. In order for me to help others I have to start with myself. Writing these words down, publishing them and owning them give me strength.
Back to sex for a minute........sex is good when it is consensual. It should make you feel good whether it is for fun, for love or whatever the reason. You should engage in sex with someone you respect and who respects you in return. If it hurts, feels wrong, makes you feel guilty or ashamed, then you are with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Be safe and make good choices. Don't let anyone break you or make you feel less than you are. Okay, enough said. Back to lighthearted humor tomorrow.....
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Bunco Bitches and Babes Baby.........
The first time I was invited to go play bunco I had no clue what it was. It was before the days of Google, so I didn't have a smart phone to just type or speak the word into and get an instant definition. I wasn't even sure how to spell it since I had seen it spelled both bunco and bunko. A gal that I met in a community ed aerobics class invited me to sub in her group. I was a young wife and mother who had just moved to the area, so decided to give it a try. From what I could gather from the friends I asked, it was some type of game that old ladies played. The gal who invited me was around thirty, so I figured the old lady part wasn't a requirement. I pictured cards--maybe something like pinochle. I still am not sure what pinochle is. I did learn about bunco though. It is a pretty mindless dice game that takes no skill whatsoever. It is a game of chance played by a group of people whose main goal is to eat and socialize.
The women I met in that first group ranged in age from 28-62 and had little in common. Housewives, career women, middle class, upper class--it didn't matter. We talked, ate and learned from one another. It taught me the importance of having friendships with women in all stages of life. I was young, a bit naive and eager to listen and learn from these wonderful women. I stayed with that group for several years but added a group of my own as well made up of friends and neighbors. It was a great way to network before networking groups, chat rooms and social networking were around.
When I moved from West Linn to Oregon City, I started another group to meet women in my new neighborhood. It has been 20 years since I went to that first group, but I still play in two groups, one from West Linn that I recently reconnected with and the other here in Oregon City. Group members have come and gone, but a core group remains. They are women I trust, enjoy sharing time with and greatly admire.
Sometimes we get silly like our yearly "naughty bunco" when we eat penis pasta, decorate in phallic symbols, give off colored prizes and laugh like teenagers. This has been paired with our yearly dinner out and "naughty" shopping trip when we brave stores that we wouldn't usually be caught in. The first year that we had "naughty" bunco a few of us decided for really good prizes we needed to find a store that specialized in "naughty" things. Of course we were talking quietly about this in the corner of the break room of the elementary school where I worked. We whispered ideas and giggled like school girls. It was decided that we would go on a field trip to a store that we had noticed a few times because it was on a main street. We had no clue if it would be a good store or not, but since it was the only one we could think of we would go check it out. With a plan in place we were worried whether or not we should invite another bunco member who also worked at the school. The problem was that she is Mormon and we didn't want to offend her by asking her to accompany us to a porn shop. Since she is easy going, we decided that it wouldn't hurt to ask, the worst that could happen was that she would say no. You can't imagine how shocked and amazed we were when she told us that not only would she go, but that she knew of a much better store with a bigger selection! We loved it!! With our field trip planned the three of us headed out after school and hoped that no one we knew saw us in the parking lot. As we were walking in I had to point out to one of the gals that she was still wearing her school ID badge. I thought it would be a good idea if she took it off before we went in since we were trying to be inconspicuous and fly under the radar.
She was right, it was a big store with an interesting selection. We got sidetracked by a few things we hadn't seen before. We were back to giggling and whispering. In one section we were puzzling over a strange looking device when we were approached by the woman who was working that night. She was very happy to explain to us in great detail how the device worked. At one point she said "if your partner happens to be male", there is this option. We just nodded and listened. Later we wished we would have said that usually it was just the three of us, but sometimes we let a male join in! We went to dinner after our shopping trip and decided that it was such a fun adventure that we should make it a group trip and do it yearly. We have had many such field trips since then. The original store has since closed down, but we have found another that we like. It is bright and friendly despite the merchandise.
I have had a few friends say they would rather not come sub at bunco because it just isn't their thing. I understand and completely respect their opinion. I just know that as silly as bunco sounds it has been a great way to spend time with some awesome women who I may not have been able to spend time with otherwise. We are all busy and have lives that don't always bring us together outside of our monthly group. Of course with the invention of Facebook, we are able to keep up with one another outside the group, but that just gives us more to talk about when we touch base each month. We graze on finger food, roll the dice and chat away about anything that crosses our minds. Sometimes we call ourselves Bunco Babes, sometimes we call ourselves Bunco Bitches. When I started playing I was young, I am rapidly becoming one of those old ladies who play bunco though. Thank God it is a game old ladies play.
The women I met in that first group ranged in age from 28-62 and had little in common. Housewives, career women, middle class, upper class--it didn't matter. We talked, ate and learned from one another. It taught me the importance of having friendships with women in all stages of life. I was young, a bit naive and eager to listen and learn from these wonderful women. I stayed with that group for several years but added a group of my own as well made up of friends and neighbors. It was a great way to network before networking groups, chat rooms and social networking were around.
When I moved from West Linn to Oregon City, I started another group to meet women in my new neighborhood. It has been 20 years since I went to that first group, but I still play in two groups, one from West Linn that I recently reconnected with and the other here in Oregon City. Group members have come and gone, but a core group remains. They are women I trust, enjoy sharing time with and greatly admire.
Sometimes we get silly like our yearly "naughty bunco" when we eat penis pasta, decorate in phallic symbols, give off colored prizes and laugh like teenagers. This has been paired with our yearly dinner out and "naughty" shopping trip when we brave stores that we wouldn't usually be caught in. The first year that we had "naughty" bunco a few of us decided for really good prizes we needed to find a store that specialized in "naughty" things. Of course we were talking quietly about this in the corner of the break room of the elementary school where I worked. We whispered ideas and giggled like school girls. It was decided that we would go on a field trip to a store that we had noticed a few times because it was on a main street. We had no clue if it would be a good store or not, but since it was the only one we could think of we would go check it out. With a plan in place we were worried whether or not we should invite another bunco member who also worked at the school. The problem was that she is Mormon and we didn't want to offend her by asking her to accompany us to a porn shop. Since she is easy going, we decided that it wouldn't hurt to ask, the worst that could happen was that she would say no. You can't imagine how shocked and amazed we were when she told us that not only would she go, but that she knew of a much better store with a bigger selection! We loved it!! With our field trip planned the three of us headed out after school and hoped that no one we knew saw us in the parking lot. As we were walking in I had to point out to one of the gals that she was still wearing her school ID badge. I thought it would be a good idea if she took it off before we went in since we were trying to be inconspicuous and fly under the radar.
She was right, it was a big store with an interesting selection. We got sidetracked by a few things we hadn't seen before. We were back to giggling and whispering. In one section we were puzzling over a strange looking device when we were approached by the woman who was working that night. She was very happy to explain to us in great detail how the device worked. At one point she said "if your partner happens to be male", there is this option. We just nodded and listened. Later we wished we would have said that usually it was just the three of us, but sometimes we let a male join in! We went to dinner after our shopping trip and decided that it was such a fun adventure that we should make it a group trip and do it yearly. We have had many such field trips since then. The original store has since closed down, but we have found another that we like. It is bright and friendly despite the merchandise.
I have had a few friends say they would rather not come sub at bunco because it just isn't their thing. I understand and completely respect their opinion. I just know that as silly as bunco sounds it has been a great way to spend time with some awesome women who I may not have been able to spend time with otherwise. We are all busy and have lives that don't always bring us together outside of our monthly group. Of course with the invention of Facebook, we are able to keep up with one another outside the group, but that just gives us more to talk about when we touch base each month. We graze on finger food, roll the dice and chat away about anything that crosses our minds. Sometimes we call ourselves Bunco Babes, sometimes we call ourselves Bunco Bitches. When I started playing I was young, I am rapidly becoming one of those old ladies who play bunco though. Thank God it is a game old ladies play.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Drunk Blogging
I wonder if drunk blogging is anything like drunk dialing or drunk texting. I myself don't drink very often so can't say that I have ever drunk dialed or drunk texted anyone. I did drink a bit much at dinner tonight, so I am attempting to drunk blog. At dinner I was told that my blog was entertaining. I was so very happy that my friend had even read my blog. When I write something and post it, I just kind of send it out there into cyber space and don't really think about anyone actually reading it. It is kind of like sending a prayer or making a diary entry. You write it, get it out of your system and then forget about it. I never reread anything I write. I think that is why it has been hard to finish my novel. I have to keep rereading it and I find fault every time I read it. I need to just write it straight through then send it off to be edited.
I have gotten some great feedback from friends about the blog. The problem is that if you want to subscribe or make comments I guess it asks questions and wants information from you. Sorry about that. I guess that is what I get for finding a free and easy blog spot. I might need to do a little research and see if there is a more user friendly/reader friendly place to blog. It may be here awhile longer though because I can't see myself having any time in the foreseeable future to figure it all out.
I meant to only have one little blackberry margarita at dinner tonight. I would have just drank my one and been happy, but Shannon ordered a blackberry daiquiri. They used coconut rum to make the daiquiri and Shannon didn't care for it. I couldn't let the poor drink sit there and go to waste, so I drank it as well. My cheeks got very warm, I started feeling really good and then of course I started talking. I am not sure what all I talked about. I know some of what I said was probably inappropriate but everyone looked thoroughly entertained, so I won't worry too much. I just remember saying that I would add another blog entry since it has been a few days. So here I am drunk blogging and not having anything in particular to blog about.
One margarita and one daiquiri for me is enough to make me fuzzy and impaired. It is kind of a nice feeling at the moment though. With my dieting this week I do vaguely worry about the calories I consumed, but knowing that this is not something that I do too often, I will stop worrying about it. I actually don't think I want to worry about anything, I am feeling too good to worry. So back to drunk calling. I have received a few drunk calls in my life, but don't ever recall making any. I am trying to think of who I would call if I were drunk enough. Maybe Michael. Michael and I have the same taste in men and have had a few common crushes. Drunk or sober, Michael makes everything funny. Michael and I could be super busy and not talk to each other for six months. I could call him out of the blue and we would talk like we just talked yesterday. I am so lucky to have several friends like that. For some reason things come out of my mouth around Michael that I would NEVER admit to anyone else.
Of course if I was drunk enough, I would probably tell crazy stories to a complete stranger. Crap, I don't even have to be drunk. Get me in the right mood, put me in front of a few strangers and you can't even imagine what might come out of my mouth. I have friends who hold their breath because I can be so random that they have no clue what is going to come out next. I need to learn to write like that, to just let go and write for the sake of writing. See what comes out when I don't think, just type. The ramblings of a frumpy, drunk soccer mom. No, being a soccer mom isn't as bad as people make it sound. I know a few crazy soccer mom's, but most of us are pretty normal. The ones I know are not your boring run of the mill soccer mom's. We have wild and crazy adventures and can be fun to be around. Of course not everyone wants to run around with frumpy, forty something year old women. Too bad---frumpy forty something year old women are more fun than you would imagine. Okay, I need to go drink some water, take a few Advil and think about work tomorrow. I will put more time, effort and energy into the next post. It probably won't be fueled by alcohol.
I have gotten some great feedback from friends about the blog. The problem is that if you want to subscribe or make comments I guess it asks questions and wants information from you. Sorry about that. I guess that is what I get for finding a free and easy blog spot. I might need to do a little research and see if there is a more user friendly/reader friendly place to blog. It may be here awhile longer though because I can't see myself having any time in the foreseeable future to figure it all out.
I meant to only have one little blackberry margarita at dinner tonight. I would have just drank my one and been happy, but Shannon ordered a blackberry daiquiri. They used coconut rum to make the daiquiri and Shannon didn't care for it. I couldn't let the poor drink sit there and go to waste, so I drank it as well. My cheeks got very warm, I started feeling really good and then of course I started talking. I am not sure what all I talked about. I know some of what I said was probably inappropriate but everyone looked thoroughly entertained, so I won't worry too much. I just remember saying that I would add another blog entry since it has been a few days. So here I am drunk blogging and not having anything in particular to blog about.
One margarita and one daiquiri for me is enough to make me fuzzy and impaired. It is kind of a nice feeling at the moment though. With my dieting this week I do vaguely worry about the calories I consumed, but knowing that this is not something that I do too often, I will stop worrying about it. I actually don't think I want to worry about anything, I am feeling too good to worry. So back to drunk calling. I have received a few drunk calls in my life, but don't ever recall making any. I am trying to think of who I would call if I were drunk enough. Maybe Michael. Michael and I have the same taste in men and have had a few common crushes. Drunk or sober, Michael makes everything funny. Michael and I could be super busy and not talk to each other for six months. I could call him out of the blue and we would talk like we just talked yesterday. I am so lucky to have several friends like that. For some reason things come out of my mouth around Michael that I would NEVER admit to anyone else.
Of course if I was drunk enough, I would probably tell crazy stories to a complete stranger. Crap, I don't even have to be drunk. Get me in the right mood, put me in front of a few strangers and you can't even imagine what might come out of my mouth. I have friends who hold their breath because I can be so random that they have no clue what is going to come out next. I need to learn to write like that, to just let go and write for the sake of writing. See what comes out when I don't think, just type. The ramblings of a frumpy, drunk soccer mom. No, being a soccer mom isn't as bad as people make it sound. I know a few crazy soccer mom's, but most of us are pretty normal. The ones I know are not your boring run of the mill soccer mom's. We have wild and crazy adventures and can be fun to be around. Of course not everyone wants to run around with frumpy, forty something year old women. Too bad---frumpy forty something year old women are more fun than you would imagine. Okay, I need to go drink some water, take a few Advil and think about work tomorrow. I will put more time, effort and energy into the next post. It probably won't be fueled by alcohol.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Ghosts, Mediums and Murder Mysteries...Oh My...
Several years ago (this is what we say when we get old and can't remember how many) I started writing a murder mystery novel. I had a couple of characters in mind, a vague outline and a lot of enthusiasm. I decided to write a murder mystery because I have read a lot of them and they say to write what you know. I figured the first novel is the hardest, so make it as uncomplicated as possible. Reading mysteries and writing them are two different things. I found that I really didn't know that much about murder and making it believable. I argued with myself that it is fiction, it isn't going to win any awards, so just write and see what happens. I started coming up with questions. Lucky me, a friend from high school is a homicide detective in California. Why not make him a character and start asking him my questions?? Sounded feasible. Thank God he has the patience of a saint and puts up with my quirkiness. I can see why he is a good detective, the problem is when you are writing the story takes on a mind of its own. It takes you in places that you didn't see it going. The characters take on their own identities as well. You may base them on someone, but they turn into someone else entirely.
Facebook had a part in making the first major change in the novel, then my life. A friend of a friend saw me on Facebook and sent a note. He didn't realize I was from White Salmon and he had a couple of friends there. The friends that he had were ghost hunters and they had taken him ghost hunting in White Salmon. He wondered if I knew them and if I had ever been to these haunted locations. I have always been fascinated by ghost stories, so this intrigued me. Of course we encountered ghost stories in White Salmon. I had a few experiences myself on Slaughterhouse Road, an old house on that road and in the home of my friend's grandmother. The grandmother's house was both the coolest and creepiest place that I had seen in my young life. I spent a few sleepless nights there praying for morning to come. Of course the grandmother was a true believer of ghosts, she had to be, she lived in a haunted house. She even drove us out to Slaughterhouse Rd one day so we could explore the old house. She was unable to maneuver the overgrown terrain of the yard or the broken down stairs, but she waited in her car while we went in and promptly freaked ourselves out. I tried going back with cousin's later. We almost made it all the way up the stairs in that house. Two of my older cousins were in front of me going up the stairs. They got to the top, screamed and ran over me on the way down. I didn't ask questions, I just ran out screaming after them. I never went back. The house was torn down years ago. I may just have to research it to see if there is any particular reason for it to have been haunted, or if it was just a rundown, neglected old house.
Steven, my Facebook friend, said I should have ghost hunters find the body. He even suggested that I use his name and have him be on the ghost hunt when the body was found. That sounded like a great twist to me, so I said I would. I went back to work rewriting the second chapter. I added in that the body had been found by a group of ghost hunters. I didn't know anything about ghost hunting, but it seemed plausible that they would be in a cemetery.
Not long after I made these changes, I heard from Steven again. He had told the ghost hunters that I was writing a book and that they were going to be in it. They thought it was pretty cool and wanted to invite me to come to White Salmon and go ghost hunting with them. I am always up for a new adventure. I figured this would be good book research. I found out that my detective friend in California would be in the area during Christmas, so maybe I should bring him in on the ghost hunt too so that I could have a better visual when writing the story. Book research sounded so much more fun than the actual writing!
I was very excited about the ghost hunt, so was very disappointed when a big snow hit the area. The cemetery had several feet of snow and the roads into it were not plowed. There was no way we could do the ghost hunt. Not to be deterred, the ghost hunters invited us to their place to meet them, learn about what they do and to view some "evidence" that they had. A small group of us made the journey twenty minutes east of White Salmon to an RV park where the ghost hunters lived in a "Tin Twinkie". The Airstream trailer was a bit crowded, but it gave me an experience much stranger than I could have thought up on my own. Between the snakes, the computer equipment and the cheap beer, I got my first lesson in EVPs, Orbs, Mists and tools used to detect Paranormal Activity. At the time I had never seen any of the ghost shows on Discovery or the Travel Channel. I was clueless, but very intrigued. I wish I would have snapped some pictures or taken better notes, but I did go back and twist the experience around to fictionalize it and wrote it into the story.
My novel writing did have a few more awesome research trips that I took including my first real ghost hunt six weeks later. Life got in the way and my writing stalled. I put it on the back burner for a few years. I haven't stopped the research though. I have gone on several ghost hunts, taken classes, looked at a new spiritual perspective and have learned so much. I have learned a bit about Mediums which is interesting because my character had some experiences in the book that I wasn't sure what to call or hot to write about. Picking up the book and finishing it is proving to be harder than I realized since I have changed, I have a different view of the characters and I'm not sure which direction I want to take it now. I do know I want to finish it. Maybe I need to leave it the way it was meant to be as my first novel, get it under my belt and then get to work on a second. We will see what happens. I am on my way to check out now to a Writer's Group. The one thing I do know about myself is that I need a small team to help me through this process. I need to be able to bounce ideas off of someone, be accountable to someone and to have another set or two of eyes. Not sure if this group will help, but wanted to check it out, so who they are, what they do and if I fit in. If I do, then I will spend my Wednesday afternoons there. If it isn't a fit, I will need to pull something together on my own.
Facebook had a part in making the first major change in the novel, then my life. A friend of a friend saw me on Facebook and sent a note. He didn't realize I was from White Salmon and he had a couple of friends there. The friends that he had were ghost hunters and they had taken him ghost hunting in White Salmon. He wondered if I knew them and if I had ever been to these haunted locations. I have always been fascinated by ghost stories, so this intrigued me. Of course we encountered ghost stories in White Salmon. I had a few experiences myself on Slaughterhouse Road, an old house on that road and in the home of my friend's grandmother. The grandmother's house was both the coolest and creepiest place that I had seen in my young life. I spent a few sleepless nights there praying for morning to come. Of course the grandmother was a true believer of ghosts, she had to be, she lived in a haunted house. She even drove us out to Slaughterhouse Rd one day so we could explore the old house. She was unable to maneuver the overgrown terrain of the yard or the broken down stairs, but she waited in her car while we went in and promptly freaked ourselves out. I tried going back with cousin's later. We almost made it all the way up the stairs in that house. Two of my older cousins were in front of me going up the stairs. They got to the top, screamed and ran over me on the way down. I didn't ask questions, I just ran out screaming after them. I never went back. The house was torn down years ago. I may just have to research it to see if there is any particular reason for it to have been haunted, or if it was just a rundown, neglected old house.
Steven, my Facebook friend, said I should have ghost hunters find the body. He even suggested that I use his name and have him be on the ghost hunt when the body was found. That sounded like a great twist to me, so I said I would. I went back to work rewriting the second chapter. I added in that the body had been found by a group of ghost hunters. I didn't know anything about ghost hunting, but it seemed plausible that they would be in a cemetery.
Not long after I made these changes, I heard from Steven again. He had told the ghost hunters that I was writing a book and that they were going to be in it. They thought it was pretty cool and wanted to invite me to come to White Salmon and go ghost hunting with them. I am always up for a new adventure. I figured this would be good book research. I found out that my detective friend in California would be in the area during Christmas, so maybe I should bring him in on the ghost hunt too so that I could have a better visual when writing the story. Book research sounded so much more fun than the actual writing!
I was very excited about the ghost hunt, so was very disappointed when a big snow hit the area. The cemetery had several feet of snow and the roads into it were not plowed. There was no way we could do the ghost hunt. Not to be deterred, the ghost hunters invited us to their place to meet them, learn about what they do and to view some "evidence" that they had. A small group of us made the journey twenty minutes east of White Salmon to an RV park where the ghost hunters lived in a "Tin Twinkie". The Airstream trailer was a bit crowded, but it gave me an experience much stranger than I could have thought up on my own. Between the snakes, the computer equipment and the cheap beer, I got my first lesson in EVPs, Orbs, Mists and tools used to detect Paranormal Activity. At the time I had never seen any of the ghost shows on Discovery or the Travel Channel. I was clueless, but very intrigued. I wish I would have snapped some pictures or taken better notes, but I did go back and twist the experience around to fictionalize it and wrote it into the story.
My novel writing did have a few more awesome research trips that I took including my first real ghost hunt six weeks later. Life got in the way and my writing stalled. I put it on the back burner for a few years. I haven't stopped the research though. I have gone on several ghost hunts, taken classes, looked at a new spiritual perspective and have learned so much. I have learned a bit about Mediums which is interesting because my character had some experiences in the book that I wasn't sure what to call or hot to write about. Picking up the book and finishing it is proving to be harder than I realized since I have changed, I have a different view of the characters and I'm not sure which direction I want to take it now. I do know I want to finish it. Maybe I need to leave it the way it was meant to be as my first novel, get it under my belt and then get to work on a second. We will see what happens. I am on my way to check out now to a Writer's Group. The one thing I do know about myself is that I need a small team to help me through this process. I need to be able to bounce ideas off of someone, be accountable to someone and to have another set or two of eyes. Not sure if this group will help, but wanted to check it out, so who they are, what they do and if I fit in. If I do, then I will spend my Wednesday afternoons there. If it isn't a fit, I will need to pull something together on my own.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
The dreaded gym and noodles from Hell
In early 2012 my friends joined the gym. I didn't want to be left out, so I decided I would too. I know, I know, if my friends would have jumped off a bridge would I have followed them? Armed with good intentions and a two year membership I set off to start my new healthier life. Instead of finding a place to work off frustrations and stress I found a building full of torture devices and a sea of unfamiliar faces. The lyrics to "People are Strange" by the Doors played in my head as I tried to find one thing that didn't intimidate me. My friends are on different schedules and though they would patiently teach me to use the machines and help me figure out a work out routine, I opted to leave quickly with my head down and my tail between my legs. I had other things to do and the gym did not take priority.
Fast forward ten months. I ended up back at the gym. My husband figured out that there was $25 per month coming out of the account to pay for the gym and that I wasn't going. He didn't realize I'd signed up for a membership which means that the money comes out each month for two years before the membership can be cancelled Oops, I'd forgotten to mention that part to him. Anyway, I am paying for it, so I have to make it work somehow.
My friends are still on different schedules and the people at the gym still intimidate me. Well, most of them. I found a "Water Walking" class and a "Water Aerobics" class that seem to be just my speed. I have always been a bit of a klutz, so exercising in the water helps me not be quite so subconscious. I do have a problem when we get to the deep water aerobics and I have to use the dreaded "noodle" to keep me afloat. You have seen those cheap floating noodles that you can get for a couple of bucks at Target. Kids like to play with them in the pool. They look unassuming and friendly. I have learned to dread them. Since I am a newcomer to the class, I do not have an aquatic weight belt yet. It was close to Christmas, so I didn't want to spend the kids' Christmas money on something for me. I wanted to make sure I liked the class and could fit it into my schedule before I put any money out to buy supplies. I know, I digress a lot. Back to the noodle. If you don't have a weight belt to hold you up in the water while you are exercising, they suggest you put a noodle between your legs and use that to help you float.
First off let me say that I have ALWAYS had the mind of a 13 year old boy when it comes to things like having a noodle between my legs. Having the "long" end of the noodle poke out of the water between my legs makes me think silly thoughts. Second, I weigh over 200 pounds at this point in my life and having one flimsy noodle hold me up is not reassuring. It isn't like we are just sitting on the noodle balancing. We are doing these exercises that involve lying in one position on your back, then spreading your arms and legs wide as you flip to your stomach. Easy for them when they have a belt strapped to their body. I have to do this while trying to keep that damn noodle between my legs! The first time I tried this I was in the deep end and took in water. I swear I was going to drown! I chose the water because I could be graceful in the water. It is not graceful having a noodle shoot out from between your legs while you are coughing and trying not to laugh, cry and pee all at the same time!
I broke down and ordered a weight belt. I found one on E-bay for $26 instead of the $41 they charge at the gym. Of course E-bay had a special where they offered free delivery. I am all for free. It is coming Fed-Ex Ground. I don't know what Fed-Ex uses for their ground service, but I am beginning to think that mules and wagons are involved. I ordered it on December 27th and it has not arrived yet. I am tracking it online. It has made a slow journey from Georgia to Oregon. It has been in Oregon for two days now, but I have yet to see it. I went to class last Thursday because my friend Tammie was off and wanted to see what it was like. I told her I didn't like using the noodles. She understood when we almost drowned laughing at them as they bobbed between our legs. Yes, she has that 13 year old boy mentality too. God help the class if my friend Shannon and I ever have to balance on noodles together!! I didn't take in as much water with Tammie there, but enough to make me wish that belt would get here. It was in Troutdale over the weekend so I was hoping it would show up on my doorstep yesterday. It didn't. Today is Tuesday, I am supposed to be in the pool right now as I type this blog. I'm not. I am boycotting the pool until my weight belt comes. Yes, I know I could go and just skip the noodle part of the work out. I am being stubborn though. It is so much easier to think about going to the gym, plan on going to the gym and write about going to the gym than it is to actually go!!
I will be faithful to my water class starting Thursday. I have it marked on my calendar for 2013. It is something I need to force myself to do. I actually enjoy it once I'm there. I hope life with a weight belt will be much less dramatic!
My friends are still on different schedules and the people at the gym still intimidate me. Well, most of them. I found a "Water Walking" class and a "Water Aerobics" class that seem to be just my speed. I have always been a bit of a klutz, so exercising in the water helps me not be quite so subconscious. I do have a problem when we get to the deep water aerobics and I have to use the dreaded "noodle" to keep me afloat. You have seen those cheap floating noodles that you can get for a couple of bucks at Target. Kids like to play with them in the pool. They look unassuming and friendly. I have learned to dread them. Since I am a newcomer to the class, I do not have an aquatic weight belt yet. It was close to Christmas, so I didn't want to spend the kids' Christmas money on something for me. I wanted to make sure I liked the class and could fit it into my schedule before I put any money out to buy supplies. I know, I digress a lot. Back to the noodle. If you don't have a weight belt to hold you up in the water while you are exercising, they suggest you put a noodle between your legs and use that to help you float.
First off let me say that I have ALWAYS had the mind of a 13 year old boy when it comes to things like having a noodle between my legs. Having the "long" end of the noodle poke out of the water between my legs makes me think silly thoughts. Second, I weigh over 200 pounds at this point in my life and having one flimsy noodle hold me up is not reassuring. It isn't like we are just sitting on the noodle balancing. We are doing these exercises that involve lying in one position on your back, then spreading your arms and legs wide as you flip to your stomach. Easy for them when they have a belt strapped to their body. I have to do this while trying to keep that damn noodle between my legs! The first time I tried this I was in the deep end and took in water. I swear I was going to drown! I chose the water because I could be graceful in the water. It is not graceful having a noodle shoot out from between your legs while you are coughing and trying not to laugh, cry and pee all at the same time!
I broke down and ordered a weight belt. I found one on E-bay for $26 instead of the $41 they charge at the gym. Of course E-bay had a special where they offered free delivery. I am all for free. It is coming Fed-Ex Ground. I don't know what Fed-Ex uses for their ground service, but I am beginning to think that mules and wagons are involved. I ordered it on December 27th and it has not arrived yet. I am tracking it online. It has made a slow journey from Georgia to Oregon. It has been in Oregon for two days now, but I have yet to see it. I went to class last Thursday because my friend Tammie was off and wanted to see what it was like. I told her I didn't like using the noodles. She understood when we almost drowned laughing at them as they bobbed between our legs. Yes, she has that 13 year old boy mentality too. God help the class if my friend Shannon and I ever have to balance on noodles together!! I didn't take in as much water with Tammie there, but enough to make me wish that belt would get here. It was in Troutdale over the weekend so I was hoping it would show up on my doorstep yesterday. It didn't. Today is Tuesday, I am supposed to be in the pool right now as I type this blog. I'm not. I am boycotting the pool until my weight belt comes. Yes, I know I could go and just skip the noodle part of the work out. I am being stubborn though. It is so much easier to think about going to the gym, plan on going to the gym and write about going to the gym than it is to actually go!!
I will be faithful to my water class starting Thursday. I have it marked on my calendar for 2013. It is something I need to force myself to do. I actually enjoy it once I'm there. I hope life with a weight belt will be much less dramatic!
Blog and other four letter words......
Four letter words have a bad rap. I have been known to drop an "F" bomb or two. That happens when you've been married to a Longshoreman for over 22 years. I used to have a pretty clean mouth, but just last month my husband actually told me to clean up my language. I wonder where he thinks I learned it? I never heard my parents use four letter words. When he was 12, a "preacher man" told my father that the only reason people use bad language is because they are too ignorant to think of better words to use to express themselves. I have a very hard time saying the "C" word though. Luckily I have only been called that once or twice and never by anyone who mattered. What an ugly word. I think those are probably the worst of the four letter words.. Another one that bites when it comes to my computer is spam! Blog is a four letter word. I am hoping it is a good one though. I am slow at understanding exactly how it all works. Just finding my way back to my account took a bit of detective work. It isn't rocket science or brain surgery, so I should eventually figure it all out.
What do I hope to accomplish with this blog? I'm not 100% sure. I guess I will just have to see where it takes me.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Building a blog........
I have been told by many this past year that I should start a blog. I have not been dragging my heels because honestly, who would want to read it?? I also have this fear of technology which doesn't make any sense at all. I love gadgets and the thought of gadgets. I hate reading directions and trying to remember how to run all of my gadgets. In the past my children have all been happy to help me maintain my Laptop, Ipod and phone. With them being young adults now, the novelty has worn off. It is time for me to figure things out on my own. Like this blog. I am sure there are all kinds of ways to start a blog, make it it the greatest blog ever and find all sorts of willing people to follow along. With a little luck I just might figure it all out.
I have spent the past two years on a Spiritual journey of sorts. I have been trying to remember who it was that I wanted to be when I grew up, what I wanted to accomplish and what I really believe in. It seems I have been sidetracked with raising children, paying bills and blending in. Like many others I have gained weight, fought depression, taken whatever job would help pay the bills and muddled along. These past twenty years have been fine. I have not been unhappy. I have maintained long time friendships, made great new friends, have had some great adventures and have a pretty good life. It is just time to start thinking of the next chapter. I have a long list of things that I would still like to accomplish and I am either right at or a little past the halfway point. If I want that long, healthy life, the items marked off of the bucket list and to accomplish my goals, I am going to have to make some changes.
I had always thought that I would be writing. It is what I love to do and what I aspired for when I was younger. There are so many stories and possible novels started on my computer that it is almost funny. I have great ideas but no self confidence and terrible follow through. I also have a hard time focusing on one direction. Though most of what I write is fiction, there is also non-fiction and a children's book started as well. They all have potential, but not if they sit in a forgotten file on my desktop forever.
It seems that researching stories is much more fun than the actual writing. My stories have lives of their own and when they turn corners into places that I didn't expect I have to go investigating. My writing has led me to an interest in the paranormal, to meditation, psychics, mediums and a new look at world religions. It has been interesting compiling knowledge and experiencing some amazing things, but now I need to decide what I believe in, what I want to incorporate into my life and where I want it to take me.
Being a chameleon has always worked for me. I hate confrontation and want to please everyone. It gets exhausting and after so many years of steering clear of politics, religion and any other possible topic that can ignite debate, I have to wonder what I do believe in. I honestly have no real interest in politics. I know I should. I know that my voice counts and that I have the right to vote that many people fought for. I just never feel that I know enough about the issues. I have spent so many years trying to see the good in everyone that I get easily mixed up with the issues when the politicians start their doublespeak. It seems everyone has an agenda and even the very best initiatives have a downside. Maybe I just need to embrace the fact that I am not meant to be political, leave voting and politics to those who really understand them and stick to the things I do feel passionate about.
Religion is hard for me. I spent my childhood hearing the fire and brimstone preaching that focuses heavily on the "Thou Shalt Not" and fearing God and His wrath. If God is Love and grace, compassion and forgiveness are all part of the package then why do those who profess to be such devout Christians spend so much time pointing fingers and judging? I do remember the Bible saying "Judge not lest ye be judged". It is not my job to judge anyone. I have enough trouble not judging myself daily, I am in no position to judge anyone else. I believe in being a positive influence in the lives of others. I want to help others be the best that they can be and would hope that others would want the same for me. Maybe that is naive, but there is so much darkness in this world, I choose to be a light. I believe in God, I love Jesus, but I also believe there is so much more that we have yet to understand. I believe in the paranormal, I believe that there are mediums that are light workers, I believe we are not alone in the universe and I believe that the truth is always stranger than fiction. In the past it has been hard for me to voice the things I believe in because I have feared being judged.
I guess this is the way to blog. Just sit in front of the computer, start typing and see what comes out. It should be interesting. I may learn something, you may learn something if you decide to follow along. I just ask that you stay positive when commenting. I am working to surround myself with positive people. It is so true that if you want to be happy you need to let go of the negative, forgive, leave the past behind you and be true to yourself. I have been blessed with a husband and children who accept me for who I am, understand my quirkiness, have patience with my tangents and love me unconditionally. I hope that I will always be able to life people's spirits, make people laugh and at the very least be entertaining.
I have spent the past two years on a Spiritual journey of sorts. I have been trying to remember who it was that I wanted to be when I grew up, what I wanted to accomplish and what I really believe in. It seems I have been sidetracked with raising children, paying bills and blending in. Like many others I have gained weight, fought depression, taken whatever job would help pay the bills and muddled along. These past twenty years have been fine. I have not been unhappy. I have maintained long time friendships, made great new friends, have had some great adventures and have a pretty good life. It is just time to start thinking of the next chapter. I have a long list of things that I would still like to accomplish and I am either right at or a little past the halfway point. If I want that long, healthy life, the items marked off of the bucket list and to accomplish my goals, I am going to have to make some changes.
I had always thought that I would be writing. It is what I love to do and what I aspired for when I was younger. There are so many stories and possible novels started on my computer that it is almost funny. I have great ideas but no self confidence and terrible follow through. I also have a hard time focusing on one direction. Though most of what I write is fiction, there is also non-fiction and a children's book started as well. They all have potential, but not if they sit in a forgotten file on my desktop forever.
It seems that researching stories is much more fun than the actual writing. My stories have lives of their own and when they turn corners into places that I didn't expect I have to go investigating. My writing has led me to an interest in the paranormal, to meditation, psychics, mediums and a new look at world religions. It has been interesting compiling knowledge and experiencing some amazing things, but now I need to decide what I believe in, what I want to incorporate into my life and where I want it to take me.
Being a chameleon has always worked for me. I hate confrontation and want to please everyone. It gets exhausting and after so many years of steering clear of politics, religion and any other possible topic that can ignite debate, I have to wonder what I do believe in. I honestly have no real interest in politics. I know I should. I know that my voice counts and that I have the right to vote that many people fought for. I just never feel that I know enough about the issues. I have spent so many years trying to see the good in everyone that I get easily mixed up with the issues when the politicians start their doublespeak. It seems everyone has an agenda and even the very best initiatives have a downside. Maybe I just need to embrace the fact that I am not meant to be political, leave voting and politics to those who really understand them and stick to the things I do feel passionate about.
Religion is hard for me. I spent my childhood hearing the fire and brimstone preaching that focuses heavily on the "Thou Shalt Not" and fearing God and His wrath. If God is Love and grace, compassion and forgiveness are all part of the package then why do those who profess to be such devout Christians spend so much time pointing fingers and judging? I do remember the Bible saying "Judge not lest ye be judged". It is not my job to judge anyone. I have enough trouble not judging myself daily, I am in no position to judge anyone else. I believe in being a positive influence in the lives of others. I want to help others be the best that they can be and would hope that others would want the same for me. Maybe that is naive, but there is so much darkness in this world, I choose to be a light. I believe in God, I love Jesus, but I also believe there is so much more that we have yet to understand. I believe in the paranormal, I believe that there are mediums that are light workers, I believe we are not alone in the universe and I believe that the truth is always stranger than fiction. In the past it has been hard for me to voice the things I believe in because I have feared being judged.
I guess this is the way to blog. Just sit in front of the computer, start typing and see what comes out. It should be interesting. I may learn something, you may learn something if you decide to follow along. I just ask that you stay positive when commenting. I am working to surround myself with positive people. It is so true that if you want to be happy you need to let go of the negative, forgive, leave the past behind you and be true to yourself. I have been blessed with a husband and children who accept me for who I am, understand my quirkiness, have patience with my tangents and love me unconditionally. I hope that I will always be able to life people's spirits, make people laugh and at the very least be entertaining.
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