I have high hopes for 2013. I feel an energy that I haven't felt in years. I have hopes, plans and dreams and none of them seem that far out of reach. I try to be realistic when setting goals. It is hard to admit that my youth is gone and with it go some of the possibilities of who I could have become. We are all given choices in life that shape who we are. I let myself be disillusioned for awhile because I wasn't the person I wanted to be. I was so busy beating myself up for not being thin, world traveled, sophisticated and highly accomplished that I couldn't see the good in my life. I have a home, a family who loves me, a group of wonderful friends and a world of possibilities still at my feet. I am alive, healthy and full of hope. All of that could change tomorrow, so why am I wasting time being pissed at the frumpy soccer mom in the mirror?
My first goal was to be healthier, have more energy and to take better care of my body. Body image was something that was drilled into me growing up. My mother was never happy with her weight or the way she looked. She had a list of things that she wanted to achieve someday when she was thin. I can't subscribe to that thinking. I don't have time for life to pass me by while I am trying to get the scale to give me a number that I think would be acceptable. Yes, a thinner me would be wonderful. I would love to live my life as a smaller version, but all I can do is strive for it and if it happens it happens. It isn't going to happen over night. I have been eating healthier, taking supplements, drinking water and avoiding sugar for three weeks now. I wish I could say that I dropped 20 pounds because who doesn't want quick results? I have lost 5 pounds. I need to see that as a positive and not beat myself up that it isn't enough. My goal going into January was to lose 45 pounds by the time I go see Bon Jovi in April. That may or may not happen. I would like to see at least 20 pounds gone by then, but I can't beat myself up if I am making changes and my body is slow to reward me. In the past I have had success. Unfortunately as soon as life throws a curve ball I fix it by eating cookies until I am heavy again. I have picked up some pretty important coping skills since my last weight loss attempt. I believe that I could keep the weight off this time around if I lose it in the first place. Every person is different and finding what works for the individual is one key to weight loss. The first step to being successful though is to believe. That sounds corny, but it is so true. When I lost before I was confident that I was capable and I believed in what I was doing. I stayed positive and was rewarded. In my attempts since then I have not really believed. I let the fact that it came back weigh me down and make me skeptical. Staying at an optimum weight is not something diet alone can fix. It is a lifestyle change and conscious choices made every day. You have to be in the right frame of mind, be kind to yourself and have support to make it happen. I have been positive until today. Today I stepped on the scale hoping to see something new and amazing and saw a number I have seen for several days. I have to say that it made me discouraged for a few minutes. I thought what am I doing wrong? I am following my plan, I am being good, why am I not seeing results? Maybe my body wants to make sure I am serious this time. This is usually the point when I say this isn't working, screw it. I am not in a race, so I am going to take a deep breath, whine for one second and be over it. I will lose weight this year. I will live a healthier lifestyle and I will have more energy. I already have more energy. I just need to stay on track and not let myself start back pedaling or thinking negatively. Negative thinking is so detrimental to us on many levels. I am my own worst critic and sabotage myself constantly. No more!
My second goal is to write more and to finally finish one of my book projects. This is going well. I feel like the blog is helping and giving me an added boost to my creativity. I have picked the book back up and am making some minor changes. It is hard when you started something four years ago. I have grown as a person and my writing has improved. I have to pick this up, remember what I was trying to achieve with it and find the passion again to believe in the story and put it on paper. It is fiction, so it can go any direction I choose. It is also meant to be a light read. I am not seeking to make my first ever novel be a work of literary genius. I would like to achieve a fun little chick lit murder mystery that is a quick read and somewhat entertaining. If if happens, great, if I finish it and it deserves to be filed away, so be it. The goal is to finish it. To work on it, learn what it takes to see a project through and then go from there. I have had people ask me how I plan to publish it. I honestly don't want to think about that process right now. My main objective is to finish it. I have several very different novel ideas on my computer. Most are not very far evolved, just ideas sitting there waiting for further development. There is another fiction series that does not involve murder, a couple of non-fiction works and even a children's book. The one I am currently writing is the one that has the most time and energy put into it so far. It grew to be 9 chapters and almost half finished before it was put on the back burner. I have been working on balance these past few years. It is not always easy to balance work, family, social life and writing. When you write, your characters want you to spend time with them developing them and bringing them to life. It is hard to be in the middle of a scene, trying to get it right, then have to stop to pick someone up from school or make dinner. It is life though and finding a way to fit it all in is par for the course. I have been given a wonderful schedule that will allow me to achieve balance much easier this year. It will take a bit of creative juggling once in awhile, but it is possible and for that I am extremely thankful.
In order to achieve my writing goals I planned to join a writing group that I had head about at CCC. I don't need to go into a lot of detail because I wrote about the group and my hopes in more detail yesterday. I did not go back. I was going to go back and give it a chance, but had a change of heart. I did not feel a connection. I do not want to force a connection. If it isn't worth the two hours per week I would be putting into it, then there is no reason to go back. They are a group of people who are where they need to be, but it isn't necessarily where I need to be. Maybe I need to be typing a blog entry or writing another chapter on Wednesday afternoons. I have the time, I want to utilize it to the best of my ability. I have decided to put together my own group that will be more in tune to what I need and hopefully be beneficial to the others who join as well. I want a group that I look forward to spending time with. At CCC I was watching the clock. When I am watching the clock, that means I am wasting my time. If I was really getting something out of it I would be too enthralled to watch the clock.
Water aerobics will take some time to make a priority. Today I felt like writing and revamped chapter 2 when I should have been in water aerobics. I will work it out so that I take time for exercise, for now if I need time to be drawn back into my forgotten novel, so be it. There are no rights or wrongs. I can't beat myself up for what I should be doing, especially when I feel that I am making progress on something else equally if not more important.
I have been given the gift of a few new perspectives in my life in the form of old acquaintances who are fast becoming new friends. These friends are adding a new dimension and helping me to see that I am heading in the right direction. Old friends are also being supportive and reminding me that I can be the person I want to be. Actually, I am the person I want to be. I just didn't appreciate me before because I wasn't the Hollywood version of me. I don't need Hollywood, I don't need to be who others believe I should be. I am me and there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I am quirky, a bit weird and full of love and kindness. Sorry if I am too nice, too weird or too frumpy for you. Those who matter know I'm worth their time. Reality check, pep talk over, back to chapter three!
No comments:
Post a Comment