There are good days and bad days in our house. I try to make the good days outweigh the bad. I also try not to let the moods of others under my roof dictate how I am going to feel. It is hard. I love my family and when one of my children is struggling it breaks my heart. There have been some tough days lately as my daughter endeavors to find her way. I usually don't write about certain things because I respect that the majority of the population keeps things more private than I do. I find that sometimes sharing our battles helps others and in some cases brings more clarity to ourselves.
Just because we choose to put our positive faces forward doesn't mean that life is perfect behind closed doors. Everyone has a public persona--the person they are when others are watching. It would be pretty depressing if I posted all of the bad stuff that happens during my day/week/month/year. It would add up and seriously bum everyone out. I don't want to bum people out, I want to lift them up. We all need to focus on the positive and remember the bright spots. When I look back I want to remember the good times, not frustrating days where I had to fight hard through the whole day to keep from screaming. The ugly parts of my life are the depression I fight, the financial situation that never seems to improve and the depression of my children which breaks my heart and leaves me in this rut that I've been in for what seems like forever.
Dealing with depressed teens in the house when you are an overly empathetic person can be like slowly drowning. Every time I find a job I like or am away enjoying myself, I get called back to reality. Reality is that at least two of my children inherited my depression on a grander scale. Their personalities are different from mine so it is hard to give them advice on fighting it. They also live in a whole different world--one where everything is fast paced and online. They seem to have an idea in their head that they are not "normal" because things don't come super easy to them. The majority of us would agree that things don't come easy, you have to work for what you want.
When it comes to people there is no such thing as normal in the world. Normal is a myth perpetrated by those who don't want to be viewed as different. If we were all the same the world would be a boring place. We are all wired differently even though society would have us believe that by getting a cookie cutter education, being slim and wearing certain clothes we can all be happy and pass as normal. I am weird and proud of it! I hate politics, have a hard time managing a 9-5 schedule, am a complete cookie slut, would rather read than exercise and enjoy singing loudly in my car. I am chunkier than I want to be, not as educated as I would like and dream of finding a job where I fit in and am passionate about. My more "normal" friends have steady jobs, have money in their savings accounts and seem so more put together than me. I happen to know they have struggles though. They may not be the same as mine, but everyone has to decide what they want out of life and choose the best path to get there. I hope my children find a path of their own, not one that they choose because it seems normal.
My children do not want to take medication for depression. They feel that by taking medication or seeking counseling that will make them weird. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is nothing to be ashamed of or to have to hide. Depression is actually kind of normal. Many people have it. It doesn't matter if you are old, young, short, tall, skinny, fat, smart, dumb or even what color your skin is. Depression happens and it doesn't have to be a crutch or a condition to hold you back. You have to learn what works for you in fighting it and work your way through it. Counseling can be a very helpful tool as can some medications. In our house the depression battle for my children has been going on for at least seven years. I have spent the past five years battling most mornings to get my daughter out of bed. We have been to doctors, specialists, counselors and I have endured the tough love lectures of well meaning friends and relatives. It has been a rocky road and sometimes I feel like I am too weak to see the journey through. I have to be strong though because she will find her way through this.
It seems everyone has an opinion or wants to offer advice. When I am dealing with my own depression or that of my children I often hear "what have you got to be depressed about?" It isn't a choice to be depressed. I have tried retail therapy, chocolate therapy and thinking happy thoughts. I don't have anything to be depressed about. I have a loving family, awesome friends, a roof over my head, food to eat and a world of possibilities in front of me. It is the heartache of my children who feel "lost" at times that overwhelms me. As a mother I want to fix it and make it all better; at times they want me to as well. I can't fix it, I can't choose their path. No one is solely capable of making another person happy. Happiness comes from within. Only you can decide what is right for you, what makes you happy and who you want to be. Only you can find yourself. It certainly helps to have a support network to cheer you on and pick you up. I have to remember each and every day that I am a role model to my children no matter what age they are. I need to choose my words wisely, live each minute to its fullest and show them that there is so much more to life than trying to appear normal.
Luckily I was born with a big heart, a lot of patience and the ability to think outside the box. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I have bright children with a world of possibilities in front of them. As they grow older and wiser they will eventually find the path that they want to travel. Until then I will be here to guide them, love them and most importantly listen to them without judging. I just can't lose myself in the process.........
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