None of us can ever really know what goes on behind closed doors. We have preconceptions of people and believe the grass is greener in lives that appear to be sunnier than our own. Appearances are just that, the facade that we put up for our own well being and privacy. Never assume that you understand someone unless you live their life. Things that look black and white to you may not seem so obvious to the person living in a situation. Without all of the details, things may not be as black and white as you think. When I write about my family I don't use their names. I know that is weird because many of you know who they are. These are private thoughts and emotions to them. For me, I share everything. I don't really have secrets. I am an open book. My family is more private. They probably don't appreciate being written about. I try to respect that, but sometimes I need to write about them. I also feel that in talking about things you take away that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that you get when you give something power over you. My family believes that some things in our house are terrible and they are. But they are not shocking, they are struggles that many people have. If more people talked about it, maybe they would help one another through the hard times. As with many--my family fears judgement. No one wants to be judged.
This blog is a lot of things to me. A way to be creative, a way to be funny on most occasions, a place to vent and sometimes a place just to get something out of my head. Writing is therapy. A little therapy never hurt anyone. There is a stigma attached to therapists by some people. Therapy is seen as something needed by the weak, the mentally ill and people who have been through trauma. Everyone could use therapy now and then whether it is retail therapy, chocolate therapy, meditation or whatever form or therapy you feel the situation calls for. Therapy is healthy--keeping things inside is not. I did decide this past month that I could use a bit of old fashioned therapy with an actual therapist to get me through a rough spot. The problem is that there are too many confused people and not enough therapists. I can't get an appointment until July. So guess what, I need to decompress on my blog. Today, this is my therapy.
Being a mother is one of the most important choices that I ever made in life. As with all mothers I wanted to be the best mother possible and give my kids a solid foundation to live happy and fulfilling lives. I have tried to do that. The problem is that I have issues with depression, anxiety and self confidence. These are things I have been working on throughout my life. Depression is a chemical imbalance that can be passed along to our children. It is not something that I would have wished on them. My daughter who I think is beautiful, bright and funny believes she has no self worth. We have tried as parents to help her through some very difficult times but there is only so much that we can do for our children. She believes that her depression makes her a freak, that she should be stronger than she is and that she is not worth having as a friend because no one understands what she feels inside. This battle has been going on inside of her for five years now. It has been an emotional roller coaster. I have tried to always be available to listen, to love and to encourage her. Unfortunately I am human and despite good intentions I get frustrated sometimes. It is hard for me to sit back and watch her sleep for days and to not have any motivation. I know that there are reasons for it and that it is not just laziness or a lack of something in her character. I have snapped before, I have cried, I have yelled and I am not at all proud of those moments. They have not been helpful and have only added to the pain that we both feel. The doctors are trying. We have been to her doctor numerous times, there have been tests, therapy appointments and medications. Something may work for a short time, then all of the sudden things spiral down again. I do not talk about this often. It is something that she is embarrassed about though she shouldn't be. A girl that she really looked up to in high school told her that teens who say they are depressed are just trying to get attention. These types of remarks are not at all helpful are made by people who obviously are not in a position to know how hurtful and ignorant their words can be. Depression is very real, it is not a crutch, it is debilitating. No one wants to be depressed. No mother wishes that upon her child.
It has been very hard for me to focus and to keep a steady job as I never know when I am going to get a call. The calls have made some of my friends and family shake their heads. They most likely feel that I am indulgent and that I am an enabler. I have questioned the whole enabling thing. I have talked to doctors and therapists. Though there are times that I should let her work things out on her own, I do need to be there for her. She has done what many depressed people do and has isolated herself from friends; she feels very alone. Her boyfriend is wonderful. He has suffered from depression himself and is in a good place right now. He has a patience that you don't usually see in a nineteen year old. He and I are her support system. My husband tries. He has a hard time with depression and doesn't completely understand it even though he has lived with me for almost twenty-three years. He loves her but gets frustrated way more often than I do. My daughter and I can both feel this frustration. It is like a living, breathing thing that sucks the air out of a room. We do appreciate his attempts though and know that he just wants to "fix it". I wish it was that easy. The question I have always hated is "what do you have to be depressed about?" People don't understand that it isn't a choice.
I feel responsible. I feel like I have transferred these thoughts and feelings to her somehow. We are both far more empathetic than anyone should be. We are affected by the strong emotions of others. We know when we are not liked or getting on someones nerves. We are very aware of negative energy and know when there is stress present. Our house can be stressful. We have battled financial issues for years and that underlying worry is always there. Living paycheck to paycheck affects our family. Our kids know that there are weeks we can do things and weeks we can't. They know the stress I feel when I'm worried the whole house of cards is going to blow over at any minute. We are aware of positive emotions as well. I try to surround myself with positive people. I need that energy. I am trying to teach my daughter to be positive. There is power in thought and in attitude. Learning to change your thoughts and attitudes is something that comes with time. She is young, but she doesn't know it. As with most nineteen year olds she feels she knows more than she really does and doesn't always appreciate advice from others. Her stubborn nature comes from both her father and me so she has a double dose. She needs to get past being stubborn and open herself up to different forms of therapy. She needs to force herself out of bed and out of the house. She needs to expand her way of thinking. I asked her if she read my blog from last week about there being no such thing as normal. She informed me that she didn't plan on ever reading my blogs. Good to know.
A few years ago my daughter had the opportunity to go to Brazil for the summer. I thought this would be perfect for her. If she could get away from me and my stresses maybe she would have some peace and find a path that would motivate her. I was wrong. She couldn't handle being that far away from me. She became so homesick and depressed that she had to come home early. She was in good hands. I wouldn't have sent her if I didn't trust those she was staying with completely. She stayed with two different families. One family is very aware of depression and knows all about my daughter's struggles. The other family also knows and the wife is a medical professional. These strong women are role models that I wanted my daughter to live with and learn from. She was brave and stayed longer than she wanted. She regrets leaving early now and may have the chance to go back to Brazil with me next summer. She is confident when I am there. She wants so much to be independent and I want that for her.
Friends and family try to be supportive. They give advice and offer suggestions. I appreciate that and am always looking outside of the box to get us through this. It isn't black and white though. She is set off by different things and sometimes her anxiety attacks are more serious than others. I need to listen and be there in case things go from bad to worse really fast. She isn't suicidal, she isn't homicidal, she is a young woman who has aspirations of being the person she wants to be but doesn't believe it is possible. She decided that she didn't want to be dependent on antidepressants. I go on and off of them as needed. Sometimes I get what I need from fresh air, sunshine and exercise. She wanted to be able to do this as well. Being off of medication was not a good idea in this first year of college when there are new experiences and things to stress over. The past few months have been especially hard. Waiting for medical appointments is hard as well. We were able to get in yesterday and get her a new prescription. Drugs take time to take affect and may or may not be right for the person taking them. Finding the right chemical to make a difference is a process. I hope they got it right. She has agreed to therapy which she said she never wanted to go to again. She has yet to find a therapist that she actually likes and feels she can talk to. Of course that appointment is still two weeks away. For now I will hope for the best. I am going out of town this weekend. It is hard to leave her when she is so low. Her brother and his girlfriend are coming to stay. Hopefully they will get along and have some sibling bonding moments. My anxiety is high but I really need to be with my husband and youngest son this weekend. They need me too. Everyone needs me. Sometimes it is overwhelming. I started back on meds last week so that I can stay calm and in control. The despair coming from my daughter's room was suffocating me and making me question why I bother to try. I bother to try because life is good. The world is full of amazing adventures just waiting for my daughter to find the courage to try. She can be whatever she chooses, she has a life ahead of her that she has the ability to map out. I need to be strong, believe in myself and succeed so that she has a good role model under the same roof.
I am off to start my day. It was a rough night last night and I have been asked to stay close by today in case she needs me. She is failing a college class that she needed in order to stay in good graces with her financial aid. I am not going with her--she has been dealing with all of her college stuff without me. She is a big girl and will go to class, talk to the professor and see if it can be salvaged. If not I told her we would deal with it. She is going to try to stay strong if the professor tells her things she doesn't want to hear. Failing a class isn't pleasant, but it isn't the end of the world. There will be options and stressing over those options won't make things better. I will be in the wings in case I am needed. I might be. I know that things will get better. We will find something that works. My oldest son has fought depression as well and it has gotten better with age. We do have a happy home and a wonderful family. We do love one another but as with every family we have struggles. Motherhood is a beautiful thing. It also comes with its share of heartbreak. I'm still banking on happily ever after for all of my children. Happily Ever After is not a myth--it is possible--you just have to make a concentrated effort to get through the rough spots and concentrate on the good.......
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