Tis the season once again. My Christmas aversion is almost cured and earlier this month I actually had a bit of joyful Christmas spirit. Preparing to have our first holiday in the new house got me excited about the possibilities. Of course I did break one rule in house hunting that I didn't realize that I had broken until we moved in. I was once told long ago to always imagine where you would put your tree when looking at a house that may become your home. In my defense I wasn't looking at an actual house. I was looking at a muddy lot and a sketched out floor plan. Once the dust settled and we were moved in it became apparent that there really weren't many places to put a tree. The entry way is the best option so that was what we decided to go with when the time came.
December always seems so far away until it gets here, then it zooms by making me feel anxious and rushed. There are not enough hours in the day. I was pleasantly shocked and amazed the first weekend when I returned from out of town to find that my husband had hung the Christmas lights and decorated the front yard. I usually have to prod him to do it and it is done with much grumbling under his breath. He is a third generation longshoreman so much of the grumbling consists of a variety of curse words. I believe part of his helpful gesture had to do with the fact that I had invited all of the neighbors in our new neighborhood of 19 houses to gather at our house for a holiday open house/meet and greet the following week. While he was out hanging the lights neighbors stopped to thank him for the invitation and to RSVP. This hair brained idea that he had balked at initially all of the sudden seemed great and he wanted to house ready for the party.
Two days before our open house we had a shopping day. It started out pleasant enough with hot cocoa and good cheer. We had a list and a plan. The day took a bit of a turn when we couldn't agree on a tree skirt. After several stores he was hissing at me under his breath about how I needed to just pick something. I held my tongue and decided that silence was the best course. We were annoyed with one another which is never fun and the fact that it was over a tree skirt just made it all completely ludicrous. We had bought a tree at a lot that was fundraising for a local softball team a few days before. The tree stood unadorned in our entry way waiting for someone to decide to decorate it. We had thrown away our previous tree skirt though I can't remember why and now it was of the utmost importance to buy another skirt or Christmas would surely be ruined. Isn't it all about the tree skirt? I would rather put a sheet under the tree than spend money on something I didn't like. What's wrong with a sheet? Thankfully the day was saved when I spotted a red tree skirt with silver snowflakes and a bit of bling at TJ Maxx.
With the tree skirt safely tucked away in the trunk we headed home. We received separate calls from our two youngest children who are away at college asking if they could come up for the weekend. We took advantage of having them there to finally get the tree decorated and the house ready for the upcoming party and the holidays. I was very happy with how the new tree skirt looked under the tree. My husband had also bought a new star that was a bit more disco-ish than I would have chosen, but nice all the same and a remote control so that he could turn the lights of the tree off and on with the push of a button.
Unfortunately one of our dogs thought that Christmas had surely come early for him. We had rigged up a very fancy and sparkling new bathroom for him right there in the entryway. He was so happy that he lifted his leg and peed all over it. Obviously this was not amusing to us but may have been forgiven if he had just done it the one time. No matter how many times we have rubbed his nose in it and told him no he continued to squirt the tree anytime our backs are turned. The tree skirt had to be washed twice and then put away so that it didn't get ruined. The fragrant smell of Christmas tree is no longer apparent. The poor tree has been sprayed with Fabreeze and Boundary (a product that is supposed to deter dogs from marking areas). I feel like I need to go out and buy a pine scented Glade plug in. The dog has a male doggy diaper that fits around his middle and covers up his pee squirter but I can't seem to keep it on him. He either wriggles out of it or his accomplices help him pull it off. The presents are stacked on the bench in the mudroom as I don't want anyone to have extra special Rooney scented wrapping paper on their gifts.
The neighborhood open house was almost perfect. Most of the neighbors came. They were very nice and gracious. Our house was filled with people. The small children played upstairs in the media room, wine was poured, food was eaten and everyone was in good cheer. The dogs were hidden away in our room since the party was supposed to be only two hours. When two hours had come and gone there were still over a dozen guests enjoying themselves. It was decided that we needed to get the dogs out to the yard to give them a break. We had explained to them how we had two wonderful Pitbull rescue dogs that were our babies. They are friendly and lovable but just a bit too rambunctious to have out during the party. One of the guests thought they were adorable and decided to go out to pet them. Luckily my husband went out as well. All was fine as she gave the youngest dog some love and attention. Unfortunately he can get jealous and when that happens it can get bad fast. Rooney came over to get some love too and Dempsey decided to show the pretty lady who was dominant. It isn't actually Dempsey but he tries. Dempsey attacked Rooney which is very loud, very scary looking and if you don't know them can totally freak you out. Antone grabbed Rooney and I had to run outside grab Dempsey by the back legs, lay on him and bite his ear. That is what has to happen. It isn't pretty but it is necessary. Until that point I think our guest thought we were pretty cool and awesome neighbors to have. Not sure what they thought after that spectacle that ended with a tiny bit of blood, some dirty jeans and broken glasses. I forgot that my glasses were on my head when I was wrestling with Dempsey. The house cleared out pretty quickly after that. I guess I'm lucky that they were an older crowd~the young families had already left. If there were any teens or young adults left in the house I'm sure I'd be on YouTube. It is my goal in life not to be on YouTube.
It is now less than a week until Christmas. Rooney and Dempsey are cuddled together being best friends because that is what they are 98% of the time. I still have two college aged children under my roof for the week which makes it seem almost like old times. I may or may not finish writing the Christmas Cards but I bought stamps just in case. I'm choosing to believe it will be a Merry and Bright Christmas for our family. Life isn't perfect. There are some heartbreaks happening and money is always tight this time of year. We have each other, we are all together and dammit we have a beautiful new tree skirt that may get put down on Christmas Eve and with any luck it will stay dry.
Monday, December 19, 2016
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Uncluttering My Brain.......
When I sit down to write I never know what is going to come out. It has been awhile since I blogged and when I do I feel the need to put a warning at the top. My brain goes in several directions at once. I could be going one direction and then go off on a tangent into another. I have too much on my mind for one post but whatever needs to come out will find its way. Since I need to get things out of my head I'm sure this one will have no rhyme or reason--just a bunch of stuff that is weighing me down. Maybe when I finish I'll be able to think a bit clearer.
When I started blogging it was to clear my head as I muddle my way through this thing called life. We all have our different coping mechanisms. Writing has always been an escape for me, a way to get junk out of my head so that I can move forward when I'm stuck. I was not surprised when I heard about blogging therapy a few years ago--this is a form of therapy I've used all of my life. When I was younger I wrote poetry. I am sorry to say that I made my friends and boyfriends read it--if Facebook would have been around my page would have been filled with teen angst poetry that surely would have made me the victim of cyber bullies!
Blog therapy has helped me through bouts of depression and with anxiety. It is hard for those who don't know me well to picture me having depression or anxiety issues but I can map them all the way back to my teens. I spent most of my life trying to hide this side of me because I wanted to be normal. I didn't think anyone would understand my dark moods or irrational fears. In opening up about my struggles I have found that what I suffer from is very common and that my symptoms are pretty mild. Of course when I'm in the middle of fighting off my inner demons it doesn't seem mild to me. The part of blogging that I didn't really expect was that some people would actually read my blogs! To me I was typing out my feelings and sending them to the universe. I didn't think the universe would respond. There are a few who have said that my words have helped them. If a post happens to help one person then that is awesome. Helping others and encouraging those who are going through rough times are things I try to do in my daily life. I want to be a light for others. Being a light can be a challenge when I'm in a dark spot but meeting that challenge helps me to remember that most of life is good.
I haven't blogged in awhile because I've been in a funk and my self esteem is in the toilet. I worry too much about what others think. I hate that about myself. I tell everyone not to let people dictate to them who they should be or how they should act. How come I can't follow my own advice? It was pointed out to me recently that my struggles with self worth have affected someone very close to me. That breaks my heart. I have let my weight, lack of a career and lack of a college degree make me feel like a failure. These things may matter to the world but they don't matter to those closest to me who know me, love me and believe in me. My weight and IQ don't define me. I let myself believe that they did and have formed a very bad habit of putting myself down.
I've waded through this funk since Christmas and have once again set out to reinvent myself. Bad habits are hard to break. I have been working to accept who I am at this moment in time. I may be a total freak but at this point in my life who I am seems to change daily. I have had some major transitions over the past few years and they have taken their toll. Losing a parent, not being able to protect my children from heartache, losing a job that I loved and becoming an empty nester have been the biggest of dozens of events that have brought me to this place. I miss my dad. I miss the job that I had at CCS where I got to use my skills and felt confident in what I was doing. When the company went bankrupt after I got back from my leave of absence I was devastated. I have had a couple of jobs since then but until now I didn't have one that felt right. My current job is a work in progress. At the moment I'm not as confident as I'd like to be. Having my children all out in the big scary world has been and will continue to be rough. I have to remind myself daily that they will be okay. We all need to find our own way and as much as I want to hold their hands and ward off monsters I have to hold back. Raising children through til the end of high school is filled with homework, sports, activities and juggling schedules. When the youngest child graduates a chapter of your life is over. Transitioning and reinventing come easier for some. I'm trying to fake it til I make it. What I need to do now is to move forward looking ahead. What is behind me has given me some valuable lessons and now I need to move along.
It is hard to put into words the things that keep me awake at night. I am filled constantly with guilt at not being a better daughter, niece, wife, mother, friend.... There is not enough time in the day to do all of the things that I want to do. Instead of being grateful for the things I did accomplish I am haunted by the things that I didn't do. I feel badly that I am not able to spend more time with my mom and aunt. I wish that I could do more for my children. I don't see my friends as much as I would like to see them. All that I can do is try to find moments here and there to spend quality time with those I love.
There are different seasons in our lives and some years are busier than others. My focus right now is on building a dream home with my husband. We are now questioning whether we can afford it but have to trust that somehow it will all work out. Going into this endeavor I envisioned the new home representing a new chapter. Together we are building a place that we designed together with visions of family gatherings and BBQ's with friends. What I didn't envision was all of the paperwork, contractors, set backs and headaches that go along with buying and selling homes. Today we are falling further behind on progress because the plumber cancelled and the house cannot move forward without having the plumbing in place. They haven't been able to reschedule because all of the plumbers on their list are busy. We don't know how long it will sit before they can work on it again. The house stuff is frustrating me right now but it is not what has me down. I know that in a few months we will be moving and life is good. We are blessed~this is something that we have been planning for five years and it is becoming a reality. I am grateful for this because six months ago I believed that it would be another year or two before we could make this happen.
After all of the other stuff we are really coming to the heart of the matter. I haven't blogged in 2016 because of fear. I let a bully make me question whether I should be blogging. I let someone who doesn't matter scare me into being quiet. Several months ago I wrote a blog about Christmas music being played in September. I started a new job and spent a few hours listening to Christmas music. Not all of us get warm and fuzzy feelings when we hear Christmas music. I was confronted about this blog and told that several lawyers had read it to make sure that it wasn't crossing any line. This really seemed like overkill to me. I am a no name soccer mom who averages about 10 readers. I also try hard to be overly politically correct at all times--even when I'm decluttering my brain. I have to sensor things like everyone else. Most of it is actually natural--I hate conflict and I hate offending people. There was a time when avoiding conflict and being unoffensive were easier. We used to live in a different world. Today you offend people by just breathing. Anything and everything you do, feel, think and say is scrutinized. As you can imagine being called in to hear that six lawyers almost doubled the audience of my blog kind of freaked me out. I send my stuff out to the universe in hopes that it will make someone smile, laugh or help them through a rough time. There was nothing worthy of litigation in my writings and because they weren't my intended audience they didn't find it particularly witty or entertaining--there are critics everywhere. I am making light of it but in all reality it changed my thoughts on blogging and Facebook posting. It made me aware that all who are reading aren't friends. Some people read what you write so that they can turn your own words against you and make them something they are not. I am all about love and kindness. My mind can't compete against those who have ulterior motives and who try to mess with people's minds. My mind is messed up enough--it doesn't need extra messing.
Since I am de-junking my brain I needed to get this part out so that I can move on. I have let bullies manipulate me in the past. My personality is such that I'm an easy target. I am a people pleaser. I think that might be hardwired into me~we are all wired in different ways. As I get older I see that I need to protect myself more. I need to step back from those who don't have my best interest in mind, I need to stand up for myself and not let myself be bullied into situations that make me uncomfortable. There is a slight chance that my blog posts are still being monitored and scrutinized. If this is the case I will leave a message. I will never mention your name or your business in this or in any of my posts. I am not and never have been a vindictive person. Have a nice life, good luck in your business and try hard to be the person you advertise yourself to be. Once my son asked me why his friend bragged so much to everyone about how much better of a soccer player he was. It hurt my son's feelings because in his mind they were both good and he didn't understand why the friend had to brag to everyone about not only how good he was but how much better he was than my son. I explained to him that if you really are good then you don't have to tell everyone about how good you are--people are smart and will be able to see it without being told. If you feel you need to tell people how good you are then you are trying to convince yourself.
As I said--unclogging my brain is a major undertaking that goes in all different directions. There is a chance that no one will ever read any of this and that is fine by me. I need to get out of this funk and move forward with life. My goals are surviving the closing of both houses, moving, getting rid of at least half of the stuff in storage so that life is more streamlined, getting more confident in my current job, picking up another part-time job to help with the bills, make sure my friends and family don't forget I'm still kicking and to just live a simple life full of love and kindness. Sappy--I know--but that is me and I have to confidently own who I am.
When I started blogging it was to clear my head as I muddle my way through this thing called life. We all have our different coping mechanisms. Writing has always been an escape for me, a way to get junk out of my head so that I can move forward when I'm stuck. I was not surprised when I heard about blogging therapy a few years ago--this is a form of therapy I've used all of my life. When I was younger I wrote poetry. I am sorry to say that I made my friends and boyfriends read it--if Facebook would have been around my page would have been filled with teen angst poetry that surely would have made me the victim of cyber bullies!
Blog therapy has helped me through bouts of depression and with anxiety. It is hard for those who don't know me well to picture me having depression or anxiety issues but I can map them all the way back to my teens. I spent most of my life trying to hide this side of me because I wanted to be normal. I didn't think anyone would understand my dark moods or irrational fears. In opening up about my struggles I have found that what I suffer from is very common and that my symptoms are pretty mild. Of course when I'm in the middle of fighting off my inner demons it doesn't seem mild to me. The part of blogging that I didn't really expect was that some people would actually read my blogs! To me I was typing out my feelings and sending them to the universe. I didn't think the universe would respond. There are a few who have said that my words have helped them. If a post happens to help one person then that is awesome. Helping others and encouraging those who are going through rough times are things I try to do in my daily life. I want to be a light for others. Being a light can be a challenge when I'm in a dark spot but meeting that challenge helps me to remember that most of life is good.
I haven't blogged in awhile because I've been in a funk and my self esteem is in the toilet. I worry too much about what others think. I hate that about myself. I tell everyone not to let people dictate to them who they should be or how they should act. How come I can't follow my own advice? It was pointed out to me recently that my struggles with self worth have affected someone very close to me. That breaks my heart. I have let my weight, lack of a career and lack of a college degree make me feel like a failure. These things may matter to the world but they don't matter to those closest to me who know me, love me and believe in me. My weight and IQ don't define me. I let myself believe that they did and have formed a very bad habit of putting myself down.
I've waded through this funk since Christmas and have once again set out to reinvent myself. Bad habits are hard to break. I have been working to accept who I am at this moment in time. I may be a total freak but at this point in my life who I am seems to change daily. I have had some major transitions over the past few years and they have taken their toll. Losing a parent, not being able to protect my children from heartache, losing a job that I loved and becoming an empty nester have been the biggest of dozens of events that have brought me to this place. I miss my dad. I miss the job that I had at CCS where I got to use my skills and felt confident in what I was doing. When the company went bankrupt after I got back from my leave of absence I was devastated. I have had a couple of jobs since then but until now I didn't have one that felt right. My current job is a work in progress. At the moment I'm not as confident as I'd like to be. Having my children all out in the big scary world has been and will continue to be rough. I have to remind myself daily that they will be okay. We all need to find our own way and as much as I want to hold their hands and ward off monsters I have to hold back. Raising children through til the end of high school is filled with homework, sports, activities and juggling schedules. When the youngest child graduates a chapter of your life is over. Transitioning and reinventing come easier for some. I'm trying to fake it til I make it. What I need to do now is to move forward looking ahead. What is behind me has given me some valuable lessons and now I need to move along.
It is hard to put into words the things that keep me awake at night. I am filled constantly with guilt at not being a better daughter, niece, wife, mother, friend.... There is not enough time in the day to do all of the things that I want to do. Instead of being grateful for the things I did accomplish I am haunted by the things that I didn't do. I feel badly that I am not able to spend more time with my mom and aunt. I wish that I could do more for my children. I don't see my friends as much as I would like to see them. All that I can do is try to find moments here and there to spend quality time with those I love.
There are different seasons in our lives and some years are busier than others. My focus right now is on building a dream home with my husband. We are now questioning whether we can afford it but have to trust that somehow it will all work out. Going into this endeavor I envisioned the new home representing a new chapter. Together we are building a place that we designed together with visions of family gatherings and BBQ's with friends. What I didn't envision was all of the paperwork, contractors, set backs and headaches that go along with buying and selling homes. Today we are falling further behind on progress because the plumber cancelled and the house cannot move forward without having the plumbing in place. They haven't been able to reschedule because all of the plumbers on their list are busy. We don't know how long it will sit before they can work on it again. The house stuff is frustrating me right now but it is not what has me down. I know that in a few months we will be moving and life is good. We are blessed~this is something that we have been planning for five years and it is becoming a reality. I am grateful for this because six months ago I believed that it would be another year or two before we could make this happen.
After all of the other stuff we are really coming to the heart of the matter. I haven't blogged in 2016 because of fear. I let a bully make me question whether I should be blogging. I let someone who doesn't matter scare me into being quiet. Several months ago I wrote a blog about Christmas music being played in September. I started a new job and spent a few hours listening to Christmas music. Not all of us get warm and fuzzy feelings when we hear Christmas music. I was confronted about this blog and told that several lawyers had read it to make sure that it wasn't crossing any line. This really seemed like overkill to me. I am a no name soccer mom who averages about 10 readers. I also try hard to be overly politically correct at all times--even when I'm decluttering my brain. I have to sensor things like everyone else. Most of it is actually natural--I hate conflict and I hate offending people. There was a time when avoiding conflict and being unoffensive were easier. We used to live in a different world. Today you offend people by just breathing. Anything and everything you do, feel, think and say is scrutinized. As you can imagine being called in to hear that six lawyers almost doubled the audience of my blog kind of freaked me out. I send my stuff out to the universe in hopes that it will make someone smile, laugh or help them through a rough time. There was nothing worthy of litigation in my writings and because they weren't my intended audience they didn't find it particularly witty or entertaining--there are critics everywhere. I am making light of it but in all reality it changed my thoughts on blogging and Facebook posting. It made me aware that all who are reading aren't friends. Some people read what you write so that they can turn your own words against you and make them something they are not. I am all about love and kindness. My mind can't compete against those who have ulterior motives and who try to mess with people's minds. My mind is messed up enough--it doesn't need extra messing.
Since I am de-junking my brain I needed to get this part out so that I can move on. I have let bullies manipulate me in the past. My personality is such that I'm an easy target. I am a people pleaser. I think that might be hardwired into me~we are all wired in different ways. As I get older I see that I need to protect myself more. I need to step back from those who don't have my best interest in mind, I need to stand up for myself and not let myself be bullied into situations that make me uncomfortable. There is a slight chance that my blog posts are still being monitored and scrutinized. If this is the case I will leave a message. I will never mention your name or your business in this or in any of my posts. I am not and never have been a vindictive person. Have a nice life, good luck in your business and try hard to be the person you advertise yourself to be. Once my son asked me why his friend bragged so much to everyone about how much better of a soccer player he was. It hurt my son's feelings because in his mind they were both good and he didn't understand why the friend had to brag to everyone about not only how good he was but how much better he was than my son. I explained to him that if you really are good then you don't have to tell everyone about how good you are--people are smart and will be able to see it without being told. If you feel you need to tell people how good you are then you are trying to convince yourself.
As I said--unclogging my brain is a major undertaking that goes in all different directions. There is a chance that no one will ever read any of this and that is fine by me. I need to get out of this funk and move forward with life. My goals are surviving the closing of both houses, moving, getting rid of at least half of the stuff in storage so that life is more streamlined, getting more confident in my current job, picking up another part-time job to help with the bills, make sure my friends and family don't forget I'm still kicking and to just live a simple life full of love and kindness. Sappy--I know--but that is me and I have to confidently own who I am.
Monday, January 4, 2016
Who Two
If I were to be completely honest I could say that I missed the mark on achieving my goals in 2015. I weigh a little more now than I did a year ago, I am not regularly meditating and did not start attending a yoga class as planned. I am still in the same house, I don't love my job and I am not eating a consistently healthy diet. I am a year older, still chunky and still clueless as to what I want to be doing to contribute to the family income. All of those things are true but they don't paint the complete picture of my year. I hiked a few great hikes, had some pretty awesome adventures with family and friends and made dozens of amazing memories. I also kept my head up most of the time, made it through the holidays without any anti-depressants or anxiety medications, learned valuable lessons that will keep me on track for future successes and after a few dark days of brooding have a positive attitude going into 2016.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have a great collection of non-fiction books written by wise people on how to succeed, how to be happy, how to find your purpose in life, etc. These are books written by normal people who reached their goals and wanted to help others find the formula to success as well. I love the titles of these books and each one spoke to me on some level or it wouldn't be on my shelves. I actually spent the past week reading one from start to finish. Reading non-fiction isn't my favorite thing. I know it is a great way to learn, but I like diving into fiction so I can escape reality. I did not allow myself any fiction between Christmas and New Year's.
I am a fan of social media when it is used in a positive manner such as keeping in touch with friends and family, sharing pictures and marketing for your business. Networking is imperative these days to making it in any business. Everyone is connected. What I'm not a fan of is cyber bullying, scam artists and hateful ranting on public sites. Hiding behind a computer should not automatically make you immune to being a decent human being. Anonymous or not, you should still have morals and boundaries. I am constantly amazed at the ignorance, arrogance and blatant poison that people unleash on the world through chat rooms, public forums and sometimes on your own personal pages.
There are days when I wish I didn't have to censor everything that I write. I am very aware of who may be reading and how they may react to the truth of how I feel. I have learned so much about perspective this past year. The negativity that oozes at family functions and the barrage of opinions really make me want to hide away until all is quiet again. I know what is expected of me. I put on the smile, try to visit and make small talk. I just don't have the energy today. I have been under fire for two weeks. In these two days at home I want to relax and feel comfortable in my own home. I came back to re-energize. I have another hard week coming up. There are decisions to make and details to iron out as I try to keep the peace. There are those who are critical of what others are or aren't doing. Everyone has their own agenda. I am trying to step away from what I need, feel and think and do what is best for my family and my father. If I were the one in the hospital bed living the last of my days I would want those around me to care more about me than what they feel others
At a social media training for our company this past week the facilitator used the analogy of being on the right bus and in the right seat when talking about which employees should be in charge of the social media aspect of the office. You may hire the right person for your office, but do you have them doing the right job? This was a question that they asked and it made me start questioning if I am on the right bus. Okay--so I have a few buses and I need to figure out if I should be on any of them!
I am a big fan of self-help books. I own dozens. I honestly can't tell you if I've actually ever read one. I think I'm a fan of the idea of self-help books. I'm also a fan of their titles. Why read the book when the title already makes you think? I prefer fiction since make-believe is usually better than the real thing. Finding the right bus should be the title of a self-help book, maybe it already is. There are articles that talk about inviting the right people to join you on your bus. Sometimes I think I want to be a bus driver. I am happy in the passenger seat as long as I get to sit near the front. I get sick in the back of the bus.
One of my self-help books has the premise of doing what you love. If you are passionate about it, you can find a way to make money doing it. Great thought, but one that I haven't figured out. I think it has been hard for me to figure out what I am passionate about. I have been taking note lately and find that soccer, rescuing animals (specifically dogs), helping people, reading and writing are the things that I gravitate towards.
Several months ago I went to a class through work where they used a popular analogy that I hadn't actually heard before. When I Googled it I found that as usual I was behind the times, but I liked it. They wanted to make sure that the employees were all in the right seats on the bus. I knew right away that I was sitting in the wrong seat and started wondering if I was even on the right bus. I figured out quickly that I wasn't. The problem is how do you find the right bus? So many buses look alike! I am exiting this particular bus tomorrow and planning to board another next week. Thankfully life is a journey and if the next bus doesn't seem to be going in the right direction I can always signal the driver and exit that bus as well. Who knows, maybe the driver will find that I don't fit in on his bus and will ask me to get off. I really do want to find a nice comfortable seat with a good view on the correct bus and sit there for awhile. I have bus hopped for years due to my need for part-time and flexible buses. I took some short road trips and had a few bumpy rides. The last bus that I really liked crashed. That was a bummer. Thankfully I only suffered a few bumps and bruises and was able to catch another bus that was supposed to be temporary; I got comfortable and stayed a little longer than I intended. There are times when I daydream of driving my own bus. Buses are expensive though and maintaining them can be complicated. I am better off just continuing my search for the right one with a seat that fits me well.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have a great collection of non-fiction books written by wise people on how to succeed, how to be happy, how to find your purpose in life, etc. These are books written by normal people who reached their goals and wanted to help others find the formula to success as well. I love the titles of these books and each one spoke to me on some level or it wouldn't be on my shelves. I actually spent the past week reading one from start to finish. Reading non-fiction isn't my favorite thing. I know it is a great way to learn, but I like diving into fiction so I can escape reality. I did not allow myself any fiction between Christmas and New Year's.
I am a fan of social media when it is used in a positive manner such as keeping in touch with friends and family, sharing pictures and marketing for your business. Networking is imperative these days to making it in any business. Everyone is connected. What I'm not a fan of is cyber bullying, scam artists and hateful ranting on public sites. Hiding behind a computer should not automatically make you immune to being a decent human being. Anonymous or not, you should still have morals and boundaries. I am constantly amazed at the ignorance, arrogance and blatant poison that people unleash on the world through chat rooms, public forums and sometimes on your own personal pages.
There are days when I wish I didn't have to censor everything that I write. I am very aware of who may be reading and how they may react to the truth of how I feel. I have learned so much about perspective this past year. The negativity that oozes at family functions and the barrage of opinions really make me want to hide away until all is quiet again. I know what is expected of me. I put on the smile, try to visit and make small talk. I just don't have the energy today. I have been under fire for two weeks. In these two days at home I want to relax and feel comfortable in my own home. I came back to re-energize. I have another hard week coming up. There are decisions to make and details to iron out as I try to keep the peace. There are those who are critical of what others are or aren't doing. Everyone has their own agenda. I am trying to step away from what I need, feel and think and do what is best for my family and my father. If I were the one in the hospital bed living the last of my days I would want those around me to care more about me than what they feel others
At a social media training for our company this past week the facilitator used the analogy of being on the right bus and in the right seat when talking about which employees should be in charge of the social media aspect of the office. You may hire the right person for your office, but do you have them doing the right job? This was a question that they asked and it made me start questioning if I am on the right bus. Okay--so I have a few buses and I need to figure out if I should be on any of them!
I am a big fan of self-help books. I own dozens. I honestly can't tell you if I've actually ever read one. I think I'm a fan of the idea of self-help books. I'm also a fan of their titles. Why read the book when the title already makes you think? I prefer fiction since make-believe is usually better than the real thing. Finding the right bus should be the title of a self-help book, maybe it already is. There are articles that talk about inviting the right people to join you on your bus. Sometimes I think I want to be a bus driver. I am happy in the passenger seat as long as I get to sit near the front. I get sick in the back of the bus.
One of my self-help books has the premise of doing what you love. If you are passionate about it, you can find a way to make money doing it. Great thought, but one that I haven't figured out. I think it has been hard for me to figure out what I am passionate about. I have been taking note lately and find that soccer, rescuing animals (specifically dogs), helping people, reading and writing are the things that I gravitate towards.
Several months ago I went to a class through work where they used a popular analogy that I hadn't actually heard before. When I Googled it I found that as usual I was behind the times, but I liked it. They wanted to make sure that the employees were all in the right seats on the bus. I knew right away that I was sitting in the wrong seat and started wondering if I was even on the right bus. I figured out quickly that I wasn't. The problem is how do you find the right bus? So many buses look alike! I am exiting this particular bus tomorrow and planning to board another next week. Thankfully life is a journey and if the next bus doesn't seem to be going in the right direction I can always signal the driver and exit that bus as well. Who knows, maybe the driver will find that I don't fit in on his bus and will ask me to get off. I really do want to find a nice comfortable seat with a good view on the correct bus and sit there for awhile. I have bus hopped for years due to my need for part-time and flexible buses. I took some short road trips and had a few bumpy rides. The last bus that I really liked crashed. That was a bummer. Thankfully I only suffered a few bumps and bruises and was able to catch another bus that was supposed to be temporary; I got comfortable and stayed a little longer than I intended. There are times when I daydream of driving my own bus. Buses are expensive though and maintaining them can be complicated. I am better off just continuing my search for the right one with a seat that fits me well.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Who are you? Are you my Who?
I recently picked up a book that is NOT by Dr. Seuss though it kind of sounds like it could be. "The Power of Who" came to my attention when I learned about it during a recent speech. We were at an event when all of the sudden things quieted down for some type of presentation. I was distracted as usual until I was nudged and told that I was needed near the microphone. I love being behind the scenes and making the magic happen. I don't like being in the limelight. True to form I cried as my friend Tammie told the group that I was her "who". She had read a book by Bob Beaudine that states you already know everyone that you need to know in life. Mixed into all of those people is the one that is going to push you and make you accomplish things that you couldn't have accomplished otherwise. I was not the one with the vision, I was not the one putting in the work--all I did was cheer Tammie and her husband on, offer my assistance and put key people into place who could help her to achieve a goal that others told her was not possible. They built a soccer club for a very special group of kids that no one else wanted to build a club for. I was touched that she put so much stock into my minor role in the endeavor. When giving it more thought I actually decided that I was proud to have been named as her "who". I would like to be a professional "who"~steering people in the right direction and patting them on the back when they cross the finish line. I genuinely love people and want the world to live happily ever after. Being a who is kind of like being Santa, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy all in one. Who's are rock stars--I am The Who. Who would have thought? Sorry, I went off on a "who" tangent. This whole who thing is pretty awesome.
I picked up the book because I had to know more about what a who was and how I could get one for myself. Of course anyone who knows me knows that I have a couple of shelves full of great Non-Fiction, self-help, affirmation types of books that I mean to read and then don't. I like their titles, I love the names of the chapters and I really like the thought of reading them. I just don't make the time. I put them aside and dive into fiction because fiction is just so much less work. What's ironic is that I would like to write a few of these books but who would read them? They would be bought by well meaning people like me and sit on shelves like mine.
I am going to carve out some time for The Power of Who. According to the acknowledgements and the table of contents (the two parts of the book I've actually read so far) I have a whole army of who's already! Maybe you are one of them!! I need to dig deeper. I find myself once again at a crossroads with more questions than answers. I have stood at this same crossroads more times than is healthy and I would like to choose right this time. I have decisions to make and goals to map out. I am surrounded by cheerleaders, but none of them know exactly what to cheer for since I'm always spinning in circles and chasing shiny objects. It is time to slow down, sit down, do some evaluating and actually finish reading this book and a couple of others on my shelves. Reading them can't hurt anything and they just might help.
When I learn about who's, what's, when's and why's I will write another part to this post. I will shower you with all kinds of information and encouragement. If you are really interested in it you may not want to wait for me and grab the book for yourself. The author states that he found himself at a time in his life where he gave himself permission to stop dreaming and start doing. I think it's about time that I give myself that same permission as well. In the meantime go out there and be somebody's who! Helping others achieve their goals and dreams is amazing! Tammie~I have no doubt that you are one of my who's!
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Shoe Shopping Blues...........
Once upon a time I was a young average sized girl with normal average size 8 feet. I had all of the shoes I could ever want and then some. I lived blissfully unaware of the fact that pregnancy and weight gain do a number on your feet as well as the rest of your body. With each pregnancy my feet grew a 1/2 inch. They sort of spread out and turned into these size 9.5 wide Fred Flinstone feet that sometimes required a 10. My square feet didn't much like cute pointy shoes or high heels. Luckily for me I love Converse and flats. I had to ditch all of my old shoes and start over again. Several years ago I found a pair of clogs that I really liked. They were comfortable and they gave me some height. I don't necessarily have a problem with being 5'5", but most of my nicer jeans are long and adding a few inches gives me a false sense of looking a tiny bit slimmer. Height/weight proportion is something that a pair of three foot heels might help with, but in my mind just adding those few inches helps just enough to keep me happy. The clogs were awesome, simple and amazingly comfortable. Like many things, they wore out in time. The staples holding them together started coming out. There were only so many times that my husband could play shoemaker and hammer them back together. Sadly one day when they were around six or seven years old they had to be retired to the Goodwill pile. I promised myself I would find another pair. That was over two years ago.
My closet is comprised of several pairs of cute flats, way too many pairs of tennis shoes, an assortment of flip flops (formerly known as thongs) and two pairs of boots that I really like. There is also a pair of black heels hidden somewhere that I really can't wear but keep just in case someday they magically fit better. Maybe if I lose weight my feet will too and some of the shoes that seem tight might suddenly be okay. It could happen! What my closet is lacking is a tall pair of clog like shoes that I can wear with my jeans when it is jeans day at work ~the day we can wear jeans if we dress them up a bit. I think they call it business casual or something. I actually get texts from my new job telling me I can wear jeans sometimes when it is not Friday! That is awesome--I love wearing jeans. Yes--I am off track! I ordered a pair of clogs a few months back from Zulily. I got a great deal on a pair of Danskos and of course because I ordered them online I didn't try them on beforehand. I've had great success with shoes form Zulily before and figured all would be well. The Danskos came and they were not your standard clogs, they had a back. I tried to put them on, ready for the nice leather to stretch and form to my foot. Somehow I transformed into one of the ugly step sisters trying on the glass slipper. My foot would not contort to fit into the shoe. At one point I sort of got them on~I thought if I could only get my foot to fit I could stretch them. The cramps in my feet were so bad that I couldn't keep my foot in them to do any stretching. Today was a Jeans day at work and my new jeans are too long, I pulled the Danskos out of the closet and nothing has changed. I couldn't figure out what the issue was. I was sure that I checked the size chart right. The sizes are European. It turns out that I misread the chart and was trying to squeeze my big feet into an 8.5. Damn non refundable shoes, damn size chart, damn me for not reading it right--they are perfect and they will never fit my feet. Back to the drawing board. I took my depressed self shoe shopping during my short lunch break today. I thought that if I could find a cute pair of clog like shoes that would fit and look good with my jeans my mood would improve. There was more toe scrunching and misery. It seems that style doesn't even like my foot when I try a 9.5 or 10. I need backless clogs--the normal kind that used to be easy to find. Tonight I talked my husband into taking me to two more stores--no luck. Now I am bound and determined to find the perfect shoe. Of course he is not sympathetic since in his mind I have a zillion shoes and so what if they are all flat and my jeans drag on the ground--roll them up.
I will not let my failure to procure shoes today get me down. It may not be tomorrow, it may not even be next week, but some day soon I will find the shoes that I am looking for. They will be cute, they will fit comfortably and they will look amazing with my jeans. When I wear them I will look an eensy, teensy bit thinner and that will give me confidence. Silly I know--I shouldn't let shoes dictate my mood, but sometimes I can't help it. I'm a girl!! Even ugly step sisters with Fred Flinstone feet deserve cute shoes!!!
My closet is comprised of several pairs of cute flats, way too many pairs of tennis shoes, an assortment of flip flops (formerly known as thongs) and two pairs of boots that I really like. There is also a pair of black heels hidden somewhere that I really can't wear but keep just in case someday they magically fit better. Maybe if I lose weight my feet will too and some of the shoes that seem tight might suddenly be okay. It could happen! What my closet is lacking is a tall pair of clog like shoes that I can wear with my jeans when it is jeans day at work ~the day we can wear jeans if we dress them up a bit. I think they call it business casual or something. I actually get texts from my new job telling me I can wear jeans sometimes when it is not Friday! That is awesome--I love wearing jeans. Yes--I am off track! I ordered a pair of clogs a few months back from Zulily. I got a great deal on a pair of Danskos and of course because I ordered them online I didn't try them on beforehand. I've had great success with shoes form Zulily before and figured all would be well. The Danskos came and they were not your standard clogs, they had a back. I tried to put them on, ready for the nice leather to stretch and form to my foot. Somehow I transformed into one of the ugly step sisters trying on the glass slipper. My foot would not contort to fit into the shoe. At one point I sort of got them on~I thought if I could only get my foot to fit I could stretch them. The cramps in my feet were so bad that I couldn't keep my foot in them to do any stretching. Today was a Jeans day at work and my new jeans are too long, I pulled the Danskos out of the closet and nothing has changed. I couldn't figure out what the issue was. I was sure that I checked the size chart right. The sizes are European. It turns out that I misread the chart and was trying to squeeze my big feet into an 8.5. Damn non refundable shoes, damn size chart, damn me for not reading it right--they are perfect and they will never fit my feet. Back to the drawing board. I took my depressed self shoe shopping during my short lunch break today. I thought that if I could find a cute pair of clog like shoes that would fit and look good with my jeans my mood would improve. There was more toe scrunching and misery. It seems that style doesn't even like my foot when I try a 9.5 or 10. I need backless clogs--the normal kind that used to be easy to find. Tonight I talked my husband into taking me to two more stores--no luck. Now I am bound and determined to find the perfect shoe. Of course he is not sympathetic since in his mind I have a zillion shoes and so what if they are all flat and my jeans drag on the ground--roll them up.
I will not let my failure to procure shoes today get me down. It may not be tomorrow, it may not even be next week, but some day soon I will find the shoes that I am looking for. They will be cute, they will fit comfortably and they will look amazing with my jeans. When I wear them I will look an eensy, teensy bit thinner and that will give me confidence. Silly I know--I shouldn't let shoes dictate my mood, but sometimes I can't help it. I'm a girl!! Even ugly step sisters with Fred Flinstone feet deserve cute shoes!!!
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Bah Humbug.......kind of........
I am NOT the Grinch. I love Christmas, okay, love is a strong word. I like Christmas, just not as much as others and not as early as some people in the world. Today is September 30th~tomorrow my favorite month begins. Please let me enjoy the crisp fall air, crunchy leaves, pumpkin flavored treats, wearing sweaters and all of the joys of October before you start in with the holiday cheer. I started a new job last week. I really think I'm going to like it. I have learned a lot and am starting to feel comfortable. Well, I was feeling comfortable until today when I realized that I didn't have the heart to ask one of my co-workers to turn off the Christmas tunes. I get it--she's had a rough week and was trying to cheer herself up. Eat chocolate like the rest of us. Couldn't she annoy me with show tunes instead--those are upbeat! As I sat in the too warm office listening to Silent Night this afternoon I did have some Scrooge thoughts dancing through my head instead of sugar plums. To everything there is a season, Christmas is in the winter!I know it was a long summer but I refuse to skip fall!!
I'm a little slower than most to warm up to Christmas. I start to get a little excited on December 1st. I am seldom able to enjoy it sooner because I find the hype of Black Friday and the fact that it has now taken over Thanksgiving out of character for what it is all supposed to mean. How can we be thankful and enjoy family members when a certain faction of them are trying to scarf down the bird so they can hurry and get in line at the mall for the newest gadgets? I can't feel warm fuzzies when I am watching news footage of yet another death by stampede at Walmart over low priced electronics. I guess it is safe to say that I have become jaded. I am quick to notice the greedy gleam in the eyes of those looking to profit off the holiday. The people who drop loads of cash on the hot ticket items so they can run home and list them for astronomical amounts on E-bay forcing frazzled parents to pay way too much out of sheer desperation. I realize that higher profit margins are good for the economy and keep people in jobs. It isn't good for my morale. I actually went through a phase of dreading the whole thing~the pressure to come up with amazing gifts on a tight budget helped me do a number on my credit rating. Who needs good credit when all of the relatives are reasonably happy. Half of them probably returned my thoughtful gifts but that is all part of the season now. The goodwill and good cheer of holiday lore have been replaced by rude, annoyed or frustrated souls caught in the trap of consumer lust and blatant commercialism. I am giving myself a headache and my mood is darkening just thinking about it. If only my co-worker knew the havoc she wreaked on my psyche today.
There are those who still understand the meaning of Christmas; people who remember magical memories and the ways that certain traditions made them feel. I am trying very hard to get back to that. I am working on actually liking Christmas again. I would have an easier time liking it if it wasn't shoved down my throat earlier and earlier each year. I don't need a countdown in July. I don't need to see it on the shelves in August and I don't need to be listening to carols at the end of September. Bah Humbug--I know. I have friends who adore it and I respect that. I envy them in a way. Just respect me when I say that all things are good in moderation. Christmas moderation should start after Thanksgiving and your lights should be down by the middle of January. I do give kudos to those who find ways to make their lights work for other holidays throughout the year. While I'm at it, I may as well say that leaving your wreath on your door until summer when it is brown and looks like a fire hazard annoys me as well.
Happy October my friends! Eat a cranberry bliss bar at Starbucks (yes more consumerism), drink a hot cocoa for me and pray for my sanity!! I think it is safe to say that though I am most likely certifiably insane I am harmless and sometimes just have to rant in a blog to amuse myself. If I can keep from getting too annoyed, I may actually send some Christmas cards this year. I'm not going to get ahead of myself though. Chances are I may be done with Christmas by the end of October at this rate!!
I'm a little slower than most to warm up to Christmas. I start to get a little excited on December 1st. I am seldom able to enjoy it sooner because I find the hype of Black Friday and the fact that it has now taken over Thanksgiving out of character for what it is all supposed to mean. How can we be thankful and enjoy family members when a certain faction of them are trying to scarf down the bird so they can hurry and get in line at the mall for the newest gadgets? I can't feel warm fuzzies when I am watching news footage of yet another death by stampede at Walmart over low priced electronics. I guess it is safe to say that I have become jaded. I am quick to notice the greedy gleam in the eyes of those looking to profit off the holiday. The people who drop loads of cash on the hot ticket items so they can run home and list them for astronomical amounts on E-bay forcing frazzled parents to pay way too much out of sheer desperation. I realize that higher profit margins are good for the economy and keep people in jobs. It isn't good for my morale. I actually went through a phase of dreading the whole thing~the pressure to come up with amazing gifts on a tight budget helped me do a number on my credit rating. Who needs good credit when all of the relatives are reasonably happy. Half of them probably returned my thoughtful gifts but that is all part of the season now. The goodwill and good cheer of holiday lore have been replaced by rude, annoyed or frustrated souls caught in the trap of consumer lust and blatant commercialism. I am giving myself a headache and my mood is darkening just thinking about it. If only my co-worker knew the havoc she wreaked on my psyche today.
There are those who still understand the meaning of Christmas; people who remember magical memories and the ways that certain traditions made them feel. I am trying very hard to get back to that. I am working on actually liking Christmas again. I would have an easier time liking it if it wasn't shoved down my throat earlier and earlier each year. I don't need a countdown in July. I don't need to see it on the shelves in August and I don't need to be listening to carols at the end of September. Bah Humbug--I know. I have friends who adore it and I respect that. I envy them in a way. Just respect me when I say that all things are good in moderation. Christmas moderation should start after Thanksgiving and your lights should be down by the middle of January. I do give kudos to those who find ways to make their lights work for other holidays throughout the year. While I'm at it, I may as well say that leaving your wreath on your door until summer when it is brown and looks like a fire hazard annoys me as well.
Happy October my friends! Eat a cranberry bliss bar at Starbucks (yes more consumerism), drink a hot cocoa for me and pray for my sanity!! I think it is safe to say that though I am most likely certifiably insane I am harmless and sometimes just have to rant in a blog to amuse myself. If I can keep from getting too annoyed, I may actually send some Christmas cards this year. I'm not going to get ahead of myself though. Chances are I may be done with Christmas by the end of October at this rate!!
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Reevaluating and Redirecting......
Life is a journey. Time and again I find myself sitting in front of the computer trying to find the right words to describe where I am and where I am going. It may seem redundant to many of you. I mean enough already, I am beginning to get a bit bored with my struggles to become the person that I want to be. It is hard though. I have spent years with faulty wiring and am now trying to undo the damage that negative self talk has done to me. Maybe some of you are in the same boat. Stuck and wanting to change but not knowing how. It should be easy, but I am one damn stubborn woman and my subconscious self is not easy to get past. I have been in a funk this summer. I would like to be sitting here writing something funny to make you all laugh, but instead I am boring myself to tears with the same old, same old of not yet being where it is that I want to be. I will reevaluate the past few months, list any faults that I find then start fresh tomorrow with a clear slate and a new path. Good things are coming for all of us, we just have to keep pressing forward.
After reading over some of my most recent blogs, they all seem to sound a bit the same. They are part of my journey right now as I work to stop the negative self talk that has become a habit over the years. It does seem as if I have been swimming in molasses these past few months, but small changes are occurring and I am learning more about who I am, where I am and which direction I want to go from here. As I get ready to start the empty nest chapter of my life it has been important to me to look ahead to where I am going and to make sure that where I am is where I really want to be. We get one shot at life and I want to make it to the end of mine knowing that I followed the path that I wanted to follow and that just maybe I did some good along the way.
I came into the summer months with a long list of big changes that I was planning to make. The list remains the same with no marked progress. September is here and I don't weigh any more or less, I sporadically list my food on my Weight Watchers App, I wear my fit bit about once a week when I know I will be walking a lot and the projects around the house are still waiting for me to start them. I have learned that this is life. You set out with certain intentions but get sidetracked by reality more often than not. The lack of progress would have had me feeling like a failure this time last year. In the past I have made big goals and then have beat myself up when they don't come to fruition. It seems that it is completely normal for people to have high expectations for themselves and then do a mental beat down when they fail. I habitually set myself up for failure. This summer I may not have ticked things off of my to do list but I did learn some important lessons. Listing your weaknesses and really taking a look at your flaws is not a negative thing. Accepting your quirks is actually very positive and can lead you to a healthier place mentally. I have stated before that I spent the majority of my life being a "pleaser". Call it a suck up, an ass kisser, a peace keeper an ambassador of goodwill or whatever you want to call it. I wanted everyone to like me and to not offend anyone. I absolutely hate confrontation and drama and try to avoid it at all costs. I have found myself drawn into drama just because I was too nice too not let myself get sucked in. Being "too nice" can get you into trouble and lead you into places you don't really want to be. It is amazing how quickly being polite can backfire on you.
I am not saying that I'm going to stop being nice and polite or that I'm going to tell the world to "bite me". I believe in kindness and good. I am just taking time to be aware of other perspectives and to allow myself to step away from situations that could destroy my peace of mind. We get caught up in 'shoulds'. Recently the proverbial light bulb went off in my head. When you are listening (or not) to the spiel they give you before take off about making sure that you securely fasten the air mask on yourself before assisting those around you including your own children they are not telling you to be selfish. They are telling you that if you are incapacitated by polluted air then you can't help anyone else. I love helping people but I have to be in a healthy and positive place in my own life if I really
want to make an impact.
I've spent my summer reevaluating my goals and what I want the second half of my life to look like. We are constantly growing and changing so it is important to take a break to see if you are on the right path. Switching directions can be a bit scary. We tend to get comfortable treading water and forget that there was once a destination we were traveling to. My friends and family will tell you that I get sidetracked by shiny objects a lot! I have been knocked off the trail a few times and it sometimes takes me awhile to regroup and move forward.
I have let many things in my life be roadblocks instead of stepping stones. My lack of a four year degree, my distaste for math, my chunkiness and my not so young anymore age have been excuses this past year for allowing myself to get stuck. This past month has been about refocusing on the possibilities and learning what it is that I really want in life. By reading books and articles, meditating on certain thoughts and making lists I do feel that progress is being made. I am getting closer to realizing what it is that I want to accomplish and what I want to add to my life to help me with these accomplishments. I have learned about my downfalls and skewed ways of thinking that have held me back and not allowed me to progress. I have found that focusing on one thing can be difficult when my mind is full and always busy. Visualizing what you want your life to look like and planning the steps to take to get you there are imperative. This visualization will not look the same for each person. We are individuals so what works for you as a tried and true method may not work at all for me. Finding your own special formula is the key. We all want the magic potion or easy formula but because we are all so different it can't be a cookie cutter fix. One ingredient that we all need is to believe that it is possible. I know that saying that you need to believe sounds cliche' but it is true. Our mindset is so much more powerful than we know and changing negative thoughts into positive ones is not as simple as it sounds. One way to test yourself on this is to think of a new idea or situation that is coming your way. Are you excited about the possibilities or are you scared to death and worried about everything that could go wrong? I can sometimes be the queen of the worse case scenario thinking. This is not good. I need to quit tripping over the "what ifs" and grab the bull by the horns. I miss that fearless girl that I was a long time ago. I want to find her again--she is buried in there somewhere.
I am currently working on being both positive and grateful. Some may think that I am hitting that middle aged place where certain women suddenly become "new age". There really isn't anything "new" about many of the principles and practices that are labeled "new age". Many of these things have been around for hundreds of years and are proven time and again. As I stare down "50" and make friends with my flaws I find that I have so many things in my life to be thankful for. We can get caught up thinking about the things that we don't have or that we haven't done and then forget to look at all of the amazing things we have accomplished. My life is far from perfect, but it is mine. I am healthy regardless of my chunkiness, I have an amazing family and awesome friends. I am rich in so many ways that have nothing to do with my net worth or education level.
I am leaving my job this week. I love the people there but not the work. There is also a level of drama that is affecting me in a negative way. I am overly empathetic, when there are problems I want to fix them. I sometimes start drowning in other peoples issues. I care too much, want to help too badly and end up doing serious damage to myself. I get frustrated when I'm unable to do enough. The problem is that I was not put here to fix everyone's problems. People have to fix themselves. How can they learn and grow if someone swoops in and helps them? Sometimes they don't even want help and are a bit annoyed that I would even presume that they did. I have to step back and remember that my job is to plant seeds, show kindness and to love unconditionally. Not everyone will like me and not everyone will appreciate my own unique sense of quirkiness. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I let go of the past, forget any labels that have been issued to me by others and strive each day to be a better version of me.
I am tempted to tell you that I am worried about my new job, how I will fit in, if I will like it. I am learning to be positive and grateful though so instead I will tell you that in less than two weeks I am starting a new chapter. My youngest will move out and I will start a new job. It is a job that I did not envision for myself but I will go in there and be thankful that they see something in me that makes them believe that I will be phenomenal. I will learn new things and meet new people. I will accomplish my goals in my own time and in my own way. I may even write a few of the funny blogs in my head that I haven't written because I'm worried they will offend someone. People will judge, people will be offended; there will be drama and conflicts will happen occasionally. I will survive them all and not take anything personally. I will keep my focus on the good. Life is a journey.....
After reading over some of my most recent blogs, they all seem to sound a bit the same. They are part of my journey right now as I work to stop the negative self talk that has become a habit over the years. It does seem as if I have been swimming in molasses these past few months, but small changes are occurring and I am learning more about who I am, where I am and which direction I want to go from here. As I get ready to start the empty nest chapter of my life it has been important to me to look ahead to where I am going and to make sure that where I am is where I really want to be. We get one shot at life and I want to make it to the end of mine knowing that I followed the path that I wanted to follow and that just maybe I did some good along the way.
I came into the summer months with a long list of big changes that I was planning to make. The list remains the same with no marked progress. September is here and I don't weigh any more or less, I sporadically list my food on my Weight Watchers App, I wear my fit bit about once a week when I know I will be walking a lot and the projects around the house are still waiting for me to start them. I have learned that this is life. You set out with certain intentions but get sidetracked by reality more often than not. The lack of progress would have had me feeling like a failure this time last year. In the past I have made big goals and then have beat myself up when they don't come to fruition. It seems that it is completely normal for people to have high expectations for themselves and then do a mental beat down when they fail. I habitually set myself up for failure. This summer I may not have ticked things off of my to do list but I did learn some important lessons. Listing your weaknesses and really taking a look at your flaws is not a negative thing. Accepting your quirks is actually very positive and can lead you to a healthier place mentally. I have stated before that I spent the majority of my life being a "pleaser". Call it a suck up, an ass kisser, a peace keeper an ambassador of goodwill or whatever you want to call it. I wanted everyone to like me and to not offend anyone. I absolutely hate confrontation and drama and try to avoid it at all costs. I have found myself drawn into drama just because I was too nice too not let myself get sucked in. Being "too nice" can get you into trouble and lead you into places you don't really want to be. It is amazing how quickly being polite can backfire on you.
I am not saying that I'm going to stop being nice and polite or that I'm going to tell the world to "bite me". I believe in kindness and good. I am just taking time to be aware of other perspectives and to allow myself to step away from situations that could destroy my peace of mind. We get caught up in 'shoulds'. Recently the proverbial light bulb went off in my head. When you are listening (or not) to the spiel they give you before take off about making sure that you securely fasten the air mask on yourself before assisting those around you including your own children they are not telling you to be selfish. They are telling you that if you are incapacitated by polluted air then you can't help anyone else. I love helping people but I have to be in a healthy and positive place in my own life if I really
want to make an impact.
I've spent my summer reevaluating my goals and what I want the second half of my life to look like. We are constantly growing and changing so it is important to take a break to see if you are on the right path. Switching directions can be a bit scary. We tend to get comfortable treading water and forget that there was once a destination we were traveling to. My friends and family will tell you that I get sidetracked by shiny objects a lot! I have been knocked off the trail a few times and it sometimes takes me awhile to regroup and move forward.
I have let many things in my life be roadblocks instead of stepping stones. My lack of a four year degree, my distaste for math, my chunkiness and my not so young anymore age have been excuses this past year for allowing myself to get stuck. This past month has been about refocusing on the possibilities and learning what it is that I really want in life. By reading books and articles, meditating on certain thoughts and making lists I do feel that progress is being made. I am getting closer to realizing what it is that I want to accomplish and what I want to add to my life to help me with these accomplishments. I have learned about my downfalls and skewed ways of thinking that have held me back and not allowed me to progress. I have found that focusing on one thing can be difficult when my mind is full and always busy. Visualizing what you want your life to look like and planning the steps to take to get you there are imperative. This visualization will not look the same for each person. We are individuals so what works for you as a tried and true method may not work at all for me. Finding your own special formula is the key. We all want the magic potion or easy formula but because we are all so different it can't be a cookie cutter fix. One ingredient that we all need is to believe that it is possible. I know that saying that you need to believe sounds cliche' but it is true. Our mindset is so much more powerful than we know and changing negative thoughts into positive ones is not as simple as it sounds. One way to test yourself on this is to think of a new idea or situation that is coming your way. Are you excited about the possibilities or are you scared to death and worried about everything that could go wrong? I can sometimes be the queen of the worse case scenario thinking. This is not good. I need to quit tripping over the "what ifs" and grab the bull by the horns. I miss that fearless girl that I was a long time ago. I want to find her again--she is buried in there somewhere.
I am currently working on being both positive and grateful. Some may think that I am hitting that middle aged place where certain women suddenly become "new age". There really isn't anything "new" about many of the principles and practices that are labeled "new age". Many of these things have been around for hundreds of years and are proven time and again. As I stare down "50" and make friends with my flaws I find that I have so many things in my life to be thankful for. We can get caught up thinking about the things that we don't have or that we haven't done and then forget to look at all of the amazing things we have accomplished. My life is far from perfect, but it is mine. I am healthy regardless of my chunkiness, I have an amazing family and awesome friends. I am rich in so many ways that have nothing to do with my net worth or education level.
I am leaving my job this week. I love the people there but not the work. There is also a level of drama that is affecting me in a negative way. I am overly empathetic, when there are problems I want to fix them. I sometimes start drowning in other peoples issues. I care too much, want to help too badly and end up doing serious damage to myself. I get frustrated when I'm unable to do enough. The problem is that I was not put here to fix everyone's problems. People have to fix themselves. How can they learn and grow if someone swoops in and helps them? Sometimes they don't even want help and are a bit annoyed that I would even presume that they did. I have to step back and remember that my job is to plant seeds, show kindness and to love unconditionally. Not everyone will like me and not everyone will appreciate my own unique sense of quirkiness. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I let go of the past, forget any labels that have been issued to me by others and strive each day to be a better version of me.
I am tempted to tell you that I am worried about my new job, how I will fit in, if I will like it. I am learning to be positive and grateful though so instead I will tell you that in less than two weeks I am starting a new chapter. My youngest will move out and I will start a new job. It is a job that I did not envision for myself but I will go in there and be thankful that they see something in me that makes them believe that I will be phenomenal. I will learn new things and meet new people. I will accomplish my goals in my own time and in my own way. I may even write a few of the funny blogs in my head that I haven't written because I'm worried they will offend someone. People will judge, people will be offended; there will be drama and conflicts will happen occasionally. I will survive them all and not take anything personally. I will keep my focus on the good. Life is a journey.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)