Love is one emotion that I have never been good at suppressing. It seems that being empathetic I have an over abundance of love for friends, family, children, animals and chocolate. Had to throw that last one in there though that may be lust. Maybe I lust after chocolate. I use humor to help me through hard times. Humor is how I cope. Sometimes it is a dark humor that may have people raising their eyebrows, but I try hard to keep my darkest, most painful thoughts to myself. I have started this post several times over the past year but have always stopped short because I know there will be many different views on this and it is a very painful and personal struggle that I am handling the best that I can. Unfortunately my best hasn't been good enough this past week. And I find myself in a place that could have been avoided by different choices and stricter rules, but it is what it is and all I can do is accept where we are and move forward.
If you are not a dog person you will never understand this post and may as well check out now. This is a super long one so you may want to check out now anyway unless you have some time. If you have never had a dog, loved a dog or felt personally responsible for the well being of a dog then this may be way beyond comprehension. It is okay to not love dogs but as an overly empathetic, dog loving, emotional wreck right now I need other dog lovers to understand this place that I find myself in. A place that some say is an easy fix but what seems so easy and obvious to some is not always the case with the person who loves a dog with all of her heart even when that heart is breaking.
There have always been dogs in my life. We had them when I was growing up and I married a man and his dog 26 years ago. That dog was very special to me as have been many others over the years, but no dog has been as near and dear to me as my dog Dempsey. I was warned so I should have known better but with many things of the heart the warnings of others go out the door when you are overcome by emotion. In 2014 I lost my father. It is a pain that has dulled for the most part but still comes back as a sharp stab at times. I will find myself crying to a song on the radio or how someone words something. We lost a dog in 2014 as well not as big of a loss, but a loss all the same. It was a year of losses including the job that I loved. The company went under somewhat quickly and since most of it happened while I was on leave taking care of my father it came as a painful shock as well. Back to Sydney. Sydney was a Mini Australian Shepherd/Red Heeler mix. She was a gift to me for Mother's day in 2004. She was supposed to be mine but it soon became clear that her heart belonged to my husband. She was overly devoted to him in a way that made the rest of us comment on her obsession. I had some rough times the first two years of her life. She was an alpha female who wanted to show dominance over me in any way that she could. My husband was hers and I needed to deal with it. It is funny now. I can laugh, but there were times in those days that I wasn't laughing. I could write a few blogs on her antics but I am getting off course. When Sydney passed Kyle's young Pit Bull was lonely. He lost a playmate and the elderly wiener dog wanted nothing to do with him. She was in mourning as well and did not want to commiserate with Rooney. We decided to rescue another Pit Bull. We were told to get a female and were warned that two males could lead to big problems. Hindsight is always 20/20. I would like to say that if I would have known then what I know now I would have changed things, but I'm not really sure if that is true. In August of 2014 we heard about a litter of puppies that had been brought up from Texas to be rescued. The litter had something like 5 males and 2 females. Antone could not go with the kids and I but gave strict orders that if I was to choose one it needed to be a female and preferably a colorful one. When we arrived there was only one female available. She wasn't at all curious about us and hid almost the entire time. Four of the males were very playful and wanted the attention of my daughter, my son and his girlfriend. They were rambunctious and very cute but none of them stuck out. The runt of the litter was a white male with big blue eyes. He came straight to me and snuggled up. I tried to put him off as he wasn't what we came for but he just kept coming back and wanting my attention. He was starting to get to me and was the only one that I could see as an option even though I knew we should just leave without a puppy and continue our search for the right female. We decided to bring Rooney out of the car and see how he did with the puppies. At 18 months Rooney looked huge in comparison. The female who had come out of hiding ran under the deck with her tail between her legs. The other males scattered. The little white runt ran to Rooney and started trying to play. Rooney was happy for the playmate and seeing them together sealed the deal. We chose to adopt him even though we knew that my husband wouldn't be happy. It only took a day for the little guy to wrap my husband around his paw. He was sweet and Rooney started mothering him. For 18 months they were the best of friends and life was good. I loved my boys and those warnings from before seemed unwarranted. We took an obedience training class with both dogs which was helpful but we should have taken more classes and been more serious with the training. We didn't work on some of the issues that really needed work like Rooney jumping on people when they came in the door. Rooney likes to jump to welcome guests with a slobbery kiss. Most people don't appreciate a 70 pound dog jumping towards their face. Especially those who have heard rumors of pit bulls and may be scared for their lives. Rooney doesn't have a mean bone in his body but the jumping is an issue and it is something that in hindsight should have been dealt with at an early age. It was a concern at the shelter we rescued him from and we thought with redirection he would grow out of it. We would be much better dog parents if we weren't lax in the training department.
The grief that I felt in 2014 over the losses that had occurred and the loss that I saw coming with my youngest child turning 18 and planning his future made me a bit more depressed and anxious than usual. This little dog gave me something to love and focus on. I began to understand about therapy dogs and how the pure love and devotion of a pet could help you through dark times. In September of 2015 my son left for college. The nest was empty and I cried for days. The dogs kept me company and their quiet comfort got me through. Yes, my husband helped too. I don't want to leave him completely out of the equation but he could only comfort me so much. The mother-love that I have always had for my friends growing up, my children and the many exchange students we had needed an outlet and these dogs, Dempsey in particular filled that void. With my son gone his dog Rooney began sleeping in our room. This was a big change for Dempsey who had us to himself at night for his life before then. I didn't think it would be a problem. Ever the optimist I get blinded sometimes.
In October of 2015 Dempsey turned 16 months old. Something started occurring that had me concerned. Dempsey did not want Rooney on the bed with me. Dempsey would get on the bed and snuggle with me. When Rooney came near he would growl and Rooney wouldn't come close. I tried to call him up onto the bed with us so that I could show Dempsey that it was okay but Rooney just whined. A few weeks later I was on the bed with both of them when Dempsey all of the sudden lunged at Rooney and nipped him several times. I grabbed him and put him in his kennel but wasn't sure what to do. I tried talking to our vet who said that he believed it was Resource Aggression. He thought that Dempsey saw me as his and didn't want to share me. We decided that the behavior was geared towards me and that I needed to make some changes. I thought that I had made headway and that things were getting better until February of 2016. The problems in the bedroom had stopped but now there was a new and bigger issue.
We decided in 2016 that we were going to put our house on the market in early spring. To get it ready we had to start cleaning up, decluttering, painting in February. One day when my husband was at work we planned to have my niece and her boyfriend come to help me with some of the things on our list. They had been to our house countless times before and like many of our friends and family members they knew it was okay to just walk in. On that day when they walked in Dempsey attacked Rooney and it was not the growling and nipping that I had seen a few months before. This was loud and looked terrible. It was hard to get them apart and when I did there was very little damage to either dog. It wasn't as bad as it could have been but it shook me up and I was at a loss of what to do.
Between February and July this happened 2-3 times per month. We decided that there was an issue with people coming into the house that didn't live there. We had to start have friends and family message us when they were coming over so that we could put the dogs away. I became wary of anyone unannounced ringing my door bell because it may set Dempsey off and I dreaded those times when my funny, lovable fur baby became something else. When these fights happened they always sounded and looked more violent than they were. When it is over and they were calm again they would lick each others wounds and snuggle up like nothing ever happened.
We didn't know if the work we were doing on the house, the packing up and the different changes happening within the house were adding to the problem but we wanted to make sure that we were doing all that we could to help defuse things. I visited a vet in Canby who talked to me about dominance issues in male dogs and gave me tips on how to work with them to curtail those issues. The vet had the problem himself when one of his male dogs was in the teen stage. Working with them and making sure that the older dog was treated more like the dominant one helped for him and eventually his dogs grew out of it. His dogs are smaller than mine so I can't imagine that breaking them up was hard. He told me that when these things happened I needed to lie on top of Dempsey afterward to show my dominance over him. I also needed to make sure that Rooney got to do things first such as be fed, have a treat, be handed a toy or anything at all. Dempsey needed to see that we looked upon Rooney as the dominant dog so that Dempsey would know his place in the pack. I think that it is important for me to say that this is a male dog issue. It has nothing to do with the breed. It is harder to break up two pit bulls than it is to break up two poodles or other small dogs. The larger the dogs the more risk and these issues happen throughout all breeds.
Unfortunately there were some bad fights from August to October. It is hard to say if the new environment amped things up or not. We moved into our new home at the end of July and it took a bit for the boys to warm up to their new surroundings. It didn't help that there was this beautiful new grass that they couldn't be on for three weeks or that they weren't allowed on the new couch. It was a new place with new rules which added up to a lot of changes. The fights were usually weeks apart but when they happened they were harder to break apart and harder to predict. Dempsey has always been a bit skittish. He is an anxious boy who sometimes looks worried when there is nothing to be worried about. He is scared of his own shadow even though he has never been abused or known anything but love. He was spoiled as a puppy I didn't realize the harm I was doing when I babied him and snuck him special treats because he was my baby boy. I showed preference to him at an early age which I now know was not good at all and probably is why he feels he should have a higher place in the pack. I take responsibility which is why we are where we are in this story. One fight that stands out is the day that two men that we didn't know came into the backyard to see the retaining wall that my husband was building. The dogs were in their new outdoor kennel and had never had an issue in it before. That day Dempsey attacked and it made me question putting them in the same kennel ever again. It was harder to get them apart in a confined space and that day there were some wounds that required a vet. They were just deep puncture wounds, but still upsetting. The vet said that we needed to be diligent in making sure that they were separated when known triggers like the doorbell or strangers happened. We were able to keep things calm the entire month of September. When life is quiet with no interruptions and we are snuggled together as a couple and their two dogs all is good. The problem is that life isn't like that all of the time. We have a big family; we like to have friends over; we live in a neighborhood that is under construction and our life has never been predictable.
At the beginning of October I was working in my home office and the dogs were sleeping near my feet. My Mother-In-Law stopped by. She has stopped in before and the dogs know her. On this day it definitely was not okay with Dempsey that she let herself in. The dogs ran out of my office before I could stop them and started fighting within a foot of my 80 year old Mother-In-Law. They are focused on each other when these incidents occur. There is no malice towards humans but I didn't like the fact that they were in a vicious battle right next to an older person who was recovering from knee surgery. I have broken up fights before. I know that I am supposed to grab Dempsey from the back legs and not get in between them. I know exactly what I am supposed to do and what I'm not. I wasn't thinking of myself that day, I wanted them apart quickly. I reached in between them and ended up almost getting bit. I say almost because even in the heat of battle when he was bent on punishing Rooney for whatever offense he felt Rooney had committed my dog still stopped as quickly as he could. This stopping still left a scar. My arm went into his mouth and his teeth were already coming down. One did puncture skin, but only one. It went deep and the rest of the injury was a painful mouth shaped bruise on my left forearm. when an 80 pound dog is in mid lunge it can't stop. I am not sure how my mother-in-law felt seeing me lying on my beat up dog crying and bleeding from my arm. I asked for a rag and made her put Rooney out so that Dempsey wouldn't go for him again. That was also a new problem. You had to separate them completely and keep Dempsey completely immobile or he would go after Rooney again. They had to be separated until Dempsey was calm again. The hour or two that I kept them apart after an incident was painful as they would both cry and beg to be together. How do you let two dogs cuddle again after witnessing the violence of their attack? It is something I will never understand. It is something that is hard to explain unless you see if for yourself and that is not something I would wish for anyone.
In these now bloody battles Dempsey started the fight but he always came out looking much worse than Rooney. Rooney has longer legs and a better reach. Rooney goes for Dempsey's face and being white the scratches and bite marks stand out. My beautiful baby boy has scars. He looks like a survivor of a fighting ring. I saved these dogs so that they wouldn't be subjected to that kind of life. Somehow my biggest fear for them has found its way into our home. Dempsey whined and cried for hours after hurting me. Though it was my fault for reaching where I shouldn't have he licked my wound and was an extremely good boy for an entire month. I was hopeful that maybe he was getting older and wiser and maybe the small changes we made and that fact that we'd been in the house for a few months were making a difference. Maybe things were getting better. That all changed in early November. Sometimes I wonder if my moods and anxieties trigger something in Dempsey. It is interesting that our next set of issues came on election day and the days that followed. There were four separate incidents that week and though in a way these incidents were on a smaller scale they still sent up warning flags. On election day Dempsey nipped at the 15 year old Wiener dog which he had never done before. She was wet and slobbery but there was no damage done. The day after the election the boys were chewing on toys in my office while I was working when Dempsey started a fight with Rooney. This fight went from the office to the hall and it took me a few minutes to break it up. This was the first time that it had happened when I was home alone with them. There was nothing predictable that would explain why. Dempsey bit Rooney in the thigh on one of his back legs. The wound was deep but clean. There wasn't a lot of blood but it still had me worried. While Dempsey held the leg in place Rooney again did a job on Dempsey's face. The next day and the day after that Dempsey started to go for Rooney when Antone walked in from work. Again, not something we had seen before and having four incidents happen in one week was definitely not good. On Monday of the following week Rooney's leg looked like it might be infected and he was in pain. We went to the vet again. It was a bad day at the vet. The vet had just put down a young lab because it had killed two house cats and some chickens. He was upset over having to put down one young dog and here I was again with more worries about Dempsey. He gave Rooney antibiotics and told me that we needed to make some hard decisions. He said we were first going to try anxiety drugs. We would start with a supplement, move then move to Prozac if we needed to. If drugs did not work then the next step would be either to move him to a home with no other pets or put him down. As you can imagine I cried all the way home. I wanted to have faith in the supplements and dutifully began to give them to him.
I made a call that week to a good friend that I grew up with who is a vet in Vancouver. If she were closer she would be my choice of vet but I need someone local so only call her in the most dire of circumstances. Maybe I should have called her months before. I explained the situation to her and she had a positive spin to it. She said that she believed wholeheartedly that it is a dominance issue and explained that as terrible as these fights are that Dempsey is not a savage killer. If he were a vicious dog both of the other dogs in our house would be dead and we would have been attacked as well. She had good things to say about the supplement and felt that with some changes around the house things could get better. She told us to move their kennels so that they couldn't see one another. She wanted us to pick up their toy box and keep the toys out of sight. The dogs were only to be given toys separately while under supervision. The dogs also needed to be fed separately and their food needed to be picked up after feedings. We have always had free range feeding in the past and it never seemed to be a problem but she said that it is hard to say what might and might not be a problem. Maybe he was actually trying to protect his food and toys when he starts these fights. She also suggested that we try putting Rooney on the supplement as well since he could be doing something that instigated the attacks as well. She said that sibling fight, it doesn't mean they don't love each. We didn't end up putting Rooney on the supplement but did take her advice on the other things.
It is hard to say if the supplements worked or if it was just back to the pattern. We managed to make it a whole month before the episode that I wrote about in my Christmas blog. Life was good and we thought we had them under control until the neighbor stepped outside to pet the cute dogs. If she would have just lavished her love on the white one all would have been fine. Unfortunately Rooney wanted to say hello as well and that was his undoing and it brought a whole different vibe to our neighborhood Christmas party which had been going so well. We tiptoed through Christmas. We had a lot of people in and out. The dogs were separated at times we felt there may be an issue. It was touch and go the night of the 27th when our son's family came to stay the night with their two pit bulls. The dogs never saw one another. They were kenneled separately and we managed to make it through the visit with no problems. I knew the supplements weren't working but I wasn't sure what I needed to do next. I knew that we were reaching a point where it couldn't continue. We can't be held prisoner by the unpredictable nature of our beloved dog no matter how beloved he is. I have known people who have had to put their young dogs down and it has been devastating to them. I decided that after the New Year I would call the vet and order the Prozac.
On the 29th of December I was planning to spend my day in my pajamas working and getting some things done around the house. My daughter was napping when one of my sons called from work to say that he had thrown his back out and wanted to know if I could pick him up. I hadn't showered yet that day and told him that I would need a shower first. I got out of the shower, put on a bra and underwear then sat on the bed to put on my socks. The issues started with a bed and the final straw happened on a bed. Rooney and Dempsey had been sleeping cuddled together on the bed when I sat down. I noticed that Rooney started to shake. I turned to Rooney to ask why he was shaking because I do talk to my dogs. The words weren't even out of my mouth before Dempsey pounced. He had Rooney by the skin on his cheek and would not let go. Rooney was howling in pain but still managing to inflict some serious scratches to the area around Dempsey's eyes. I could not get them apart. I laid across Dempsey and bit his ear like I'd been told to do. I tried unclenching his jaws which are normal dog jaws-not the super jaws that myths say pit bulls have. Regardless normal pit bull jaws are still very strong when the dogs in question are 70 and 80 pound dogs. I screamed for Kelli to come and we pulled, from all angles trying to break it up. It probably only lasted 3-4 minutes but those minute seem forever when they are happening. It always upsets me but this time I broke down and couldn't stop crying. I laid on the floor holding Dempsey down long after Rooney had been taken to safety. There was a lot of blood. I have nicks on my fingers from teeth while trying to pry them apart, a scratch down my calf from dog toe nails and two little puncture marks on my jaw which are most likely also from dog toe nails that tried to push me off when I was biting his ear. When I finally got up I caught sight of myself in the mirror in my underwear and bloody bra with blood all over my face from having it up against Dempsey's face. I honestly felt for a few minutes that Dempsey had sealed his fate. I couldn't trust him any longer and may have to have him put down. How could I keep subjecting Rooney to this not matter how much Rooney loves his brother? This is a question that has been asked many times over the months. It isn't fair but then re homing them isn't fair either. We love these dogs and rescued them making them our responsibility. Rooney would do well in any home but giving him up when he has done nothing wrong is extremely unfair. He is my son's dog but my son is at college in an apartment and who knows when he will be in a position to keep him full time. Re homing Dempsey would be harder. He has issues. I know he loves me and would probably be just fine here as the only pet in the house. Again, not fair to Rooney. I can't send him to another home. What if he has issues there? What if the issues get worse? What if he ends up with someone who decides to fight him. It is hard having complete power over a living thing that loves and trusts you with all of their heart.
As I cried I thought back to a conversation with a friend a few months before. She and another friend had taken their dogs to a trainer who worked wonders with their dogs. Trainers are tricky because there are different methods of training and some of the methods are widely debated among them. There are people who feel that training collars are inhumane. I have seen dogs who react well to that type of training and who have made progress. It is not something I would have wanted before but now in light of where we are and the options that I have I see it as my best hope of keeping this family together. Financially we are in a very shaky place. We knew coming into this house that we would limp along for a year before we could refinance. While limping it is hard to come up with money for vet bills, supplements let alone other things like car repair, food, bills and other things that cost money. For the love of a dog I did the only thing that I felt that I could. I called my mother-in-law and begged for a loan. I didn't have to beg, she knows how much I love this dog. She has also seen first hand what the fights look like and that this is our last hope. My husband is all for re homing and doesn't believe the training will work. It was a decision that was made quickly but after a lot of questions. I talked to the trainer twice with my list of questions and concerns. I googled, I prayed, I talked to each of my children, my husband and a friend who had used the trainer. In the end the decision was made while still in the bloody bra with a tear stained face. On Wednesday the trainer will come and take both of our boys. They will be gone for three weeks. The training is guaranteed. If it is an issue that he cannot fix I won't be charged. I will have to make monthly payments to my mother in law and it may take me over a year to pay her back. Given our current financial state I question my sanity in following through with this. But I have to follow through. I have to do everything I can to make this work. If it doesn't I will accept defeat and look for an owner who can give Dempsey the love, solitude and security that he needs to be the best dog that he can be.
Once my decision was made my son came home from college to be with his dog and to make sure all was well. It wasn't well. Dempsey struck again the next day with my husband and son there. The terrible wounds on Dempsey's face look worse than before and Rooney went to Corvallis for the weekend to stay in the apartment away from Dempsey until training can begin. During the 24 hours they have been apart they show signs of missing one another. I took a picture of Dempsey watching forlornly out the window, his eyes bloody and sad looking for his brother who is out there somewhere. I sit here crying as I type worried about how scared they will be and how confused to be leaving us and taken to a strange place. The trainer says they will be busy and they will have fun. Maybe I will be the scared and confused one sitting here wondering what 2017 will look like if one of my boys has to leave our home for good. I am feeling old, tired and defeated tonight but Dempsey is still here with me so I am going to go cuddle with him while I can. I will whisper my wishes into his ear and pray that through training he will learn a better way to deal with his anxiety and through training I will learn to give him what he needs so that he can stay. I will do what I need to do with love for love, even for the love of a dog.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Monday, December 19, 2016
Merry and Bright.....For the Most Part
Tis the season once again. My Christmas aversion is almost cured and earlier this month I actually had a bit of joyful Christmas spirit. Preparing to have our first holiday in the new house got me excited about the possibilities. Of course I did break one rule in house hunting that I didn't realize that I had broken until we moved in. I was once told long ago to always imagine where you would put your tree when looking at a house that may become your home. In my defense I wasn't looking at an actual house. I was looking at a muddy lot and a sketched out floor plan. Once the dust settled and we were moved in it became apparent that there really weren't many places to put a tree. The entry way is the best option so that was what we decided to go with when the time came.
December always seems so far away until it gets here, then it zooms by making me feel anxious and rushed. There are not enough hours in the day. I was pleasantly shocked and amazed the first weekend when I returned from out of town to find that my husband had hung the Christmas lights and decorated the front yard. I usually have to prod him to do it and it is done with much grumbling under his breath. He is a third generation longshoreman so much of the grumbling consists of a variety of curse words. I believe part of his helpful gesture had to do with the fact that I had invited all of the neighbors in our new neighborhood of 19 houses to gather at our house for a holiday open house/meet and greet the following week. While he was out hanging the lights neighbors stopped to thank him for the invitation and to RSVP. This hair brained idea that he had balked at initially all of the sudden seemed great and he wanted to house ready for the party.
Two days before our open house we had a shopping day. It started out pleasant enough with hot cocoa and good cheer. We had a list and a plan. The day took a bit of a turn when we couldn't agree on a tree skirt. After several stores he was hissing at me under his breath about how I needed to just pick something. I held my tongue and decided that silence was the best course. We were annoyed with one another which is never fun and the fact that it was over a tree skirt just made it all completely ludicrous. We had bought a tree at a lot that was fundraising for a local softball team a few days before. The tree stood unadorned in our entry way waiting for someone to decide to decorate it. We had thrown away our previous tree skirt though I can't remember why and now it was of the utmost importance to buy another skirt or Christmas would surely be ruined. Isn't it all about the tree skirt? I would rather put a sheet under the tree than spend money on something I didn't like. What's wrong with a sheet? Thankfully the day was saved when I spotted a red tree skirt with silver snowflakes and a bit of bling at TJ Maxx.
With the tree skirt safely tucked away in the trunk we headed home. We received separate calls from our two youngest children who are away at college asking if they could come up for the weekend. We took advantage of having them there to finally get the tree decorated and the house ready for the upcoming party and the holidays. I was very happy with how the new tree skirt looked under the tree. My husband had also bought a new star that was a bit more disco-ish than I would have chosen, but nice all the same and a remote control so that he could turn the lights of the tree off and on with the push of a button.
Unfortunately one of our dogs thought that Christmas had surely come early for him. We had rigged up a very fancy and sparkling new bathroom for him right there in the entryway. He was so happy that he lifted his leg and peed all over it. Obviously this was not amusing to us but may have been forgiven if he had just done it the one time. No matter how many times we have rubbed his nose in it and told him no he continued to squirt the tree anytime our backs are turned. The tree skirt had to be washed twice and then put away so that it didn't get ruined. The fragrant smell of Christmas tree is no longer apparent. The poor tree has been sprayed with Fabreeze and Boundary (a product that is supposed to deter dogs from marking areas). I feel like I need to go out and buy a pine scented Glade plug in. The dog has a male doggy diaper that fits around his middle and covers up his pee squirter but I can't seem to keep it on him. He either wriggles out of it or his accomplices help him pull it off. The presents are stacked on the bench in the mudroom as I don't want anyone to have extra special Rooney scented wrapping paper on their gifts.
The neighborhood open house was almost perfect. Most of the neighbors came. They were very nice and gracious. Our house was filled with people. The small children played upstairs in the media room, wine was poured, food was eaten and everyone was in good cheer. The dogs were hidden away in our room since the party was supposed to be only two hours. When two hours had come and gone there were still over a dozen guests enjoying themselves. It was decided that we needed to get the dogs out to the yard to give them a break. We had explained to them how we had two wonderful Pitbull rescue dogs that were our babies. They are friendly and lovable but just a bit too rambunctious to have out during the party. One of the guests thought they were adorable and decided to go out to pet them. Luckily my husband went out as well. All was fine as she gave the youngest dog some love and attention. Unfortunately he can get jealous and when that happens it can get bad fast. Rooney came over to get some love too and Dempsey decided to show the pretty lady who was dominant. It isn't actually Dempsey but he tries. Dempsey attacked Rooney which is very loud, very scary looking and if you don't know them can totally freak you out. Antone grabbed Rooney and I had to run outside grab Dempsey by the back legs, lay on him and bite his ear. That is what has to happen. It isn't pretty but it is necessary. Until that point I think our guest thought we were pretty cool and awesome neighbors to have. Not sure what they thought after that spectacle that ended with a tiny bit of blood, some dirty jeans and broken glasses. I forgot that my glasses were on my head when I was wrestling with Dempsey. The house cleared out pretty quickly after that. I guess I'm lucky that they were an older crowd~the young families had already left. If there were any teens or young adults left in the house I'm sure I'd be on YouTube. It is my goal in life not to be on YouTube.
It is now less than a week until Christmas. Rooney and Dempsey are cuddled together being best friends because that is what they are 98% of the time. I still have two college aged children under my roof for the week which makes it seem almost like old times. I may or may not finish writing the Christmas Cards but I bought stamps just in case. I'm choosing to believe it will be a Merry and Bright Christmas for our family. Life isn't perfect. There are some heartbreaks happening and money is always tight this time of year. We have each other, we are all together and dammit we have a beautiful new tree skirt that may get put down on Christmas Eve and with any luck it will stay dry.
December always seems so far away until it gets here, then it zooms by making me feel anxious and rushed. There are not enough hours in the day. I was pleasantly shocked and amazed the first weekend when I returned from out of town to find that my husband had hung the Christmas lights and decorated the front yard. I usually have to prod him to do it and it is done with much grumbling under his breath. He is a third generation longshoreman so much of the grumbling consists of a variety of curse words. I believe part of his helpful gesture had to do with the fact that I had invited all of the neighbors in our new neighborhood of 19 houses to gather at our house for a holiday open house/meet and greet the following week. While he was out hanging the lights neighbors stopped to thank him for the invitation and to RSVP. This hair brained idea that he had balked at initially all of the sudden seemed great and he wanted to house ready for the party.
Two days before our open house we had a shopping day. It started out pleasant enough with hot cocoa and good cheer. We had a list and a plan. The day took a bit of a turn when we couldn't agree on a tree skirt. After several stores he was hissing at me under his breath about how I needed to just pick something. I held my tongue and decided that silence was the best course. We were annoyed with one another which is never fun and the fact that it was over a tree skirt just made it all completely ludicrous. We had bought a tree at a lot that was fundraising for a local softball team a few days before. The tree stood unadorned in our entry way waiting for someone to decide to decorate it. We had thrown away our previous tree skirt though I can't remember why and now it was of the utmost importance to buy another skirt or Christmas would surely be ruined. Isn't it all about the tree skirt? I would rather put a sheet under the tree than spend money on something I didn't like. What's wrong with a sheet? Thankfully the day was saved when I spotted a red tree skirt with silver snowflakes and a bit of bling at TJ Maxx.
With the tree skirt safely tucked away in the trunk we headed home. We received separate calls from our two youngest children who are away at college asking if they could come up for the weekend. We took advantage of having them there to finally get the tree decorated and the house ready for the upcoming party and the holidays. I was very happy with how the new tree skirt looked under the tree. My husband had also bought a new star that was a bit more disco-ish than I would have chosen, but nice all the same and a remote control so that he could turn the lights of the tree off and on with the push of a button.
Unfortunately one of our dogs thought that Christmas had surely come early for him. We had rigged up a very fancy and sparkling new bathroom for him right there in the entryway. He was so happy that he lifted his leg and peed all over it. Obviously this was not amusing to us but may have been forgiven if he had just done it the one time. No matter how many times we have rubbed his nose in it and told him no he continued to squirt the tree anytime our backs are turned. The tree skirt had to be washed twice and then put away so that it didn't get ruined. The fragrant smell of Christmas tree is no longer apparent. The poor tree has been sprayed with Fabreeze and Boundary (a product that is supposed to deter dogs from marking areas). I feel like I need to go out and buy a pine scented Glade plug in. The dog has a male doggy diaper that fits around his middle and covers up his pee squirter but I can't seem to keep it on him. He either wriggles out of it or his accomplices help him pull it off. The presents are stacked on the bench in the mudroom as I don't want anyone to have extra special Rooney scented wrapping paper on their gifts.
The neighborhood open house was almost perfect. Most of the neighbors came. They were very nice and gracious. Our house was filled with people. The small children played upstairs in the media room, wine was poured, food was eaten and everyone was in good cheer. The dogs were hidden away in our room since the party was supposed to be only two hours. When two hours had come and gone there were still over a dozen guests enjoying themselves. It was decided that we needed to get the dogs out to the yard to give them a break. We had explained to them how we had two wonderful Pitbull rescue dogs that were our babies. They are friendly and lovable but just a bit too rambunctious to have out during the party. One of the guests thought they were adorable and decided to go out to pet them. Luckily my husband went out as well. All was fine as she gave the youngest dog some love and attention. Unfortunately he can get jealous and when that happens it can get bad fast. Rooney came over to get some love too and Dempsey decided to show the pretty lady who was dominant. It isn't actually Dempsey but he tries. Dempsey attacked Rooney which is very loud, very scary looking and if you don't know them can totally freak you out. Antone grabbed Rooney and I had to run outside grab Dempsey by the back legs, lay on him and bite his ear. That is what has to happen. It isn't pretty but it is necessary. Until that point I think our guest thought we were pretty cool and awesome neighbors to have. Not sure what they thought after that spectacle that ended with a tiny bit of blood, some dirty jeans and broken glasses. I forgot that my glasses were on my head when I was wrestling with Dempsey. The house cleared out pretty quickly after that. I guess I'm lucky that they were an older crowd~the young families had already left. If there were any teens or young adults left in the house I'm sure I'd be on YouTube. It is my goal in life not to be on YouTube.
It is now less than a week until Christmas. Rooney and Dempsey are cuddled together being best friends because that is what they are 98% of the time. I still have two college aged children under my roof for the week which makes it seem almost like old times. I may or may not finish writing the Christmas Cards but I bought stamps just in case. I'm choosing to believe it will be a Merry and Bright Christmas for our family. Life isn't perfect. There are some heartbreaks happening and money is always tight this time of year. We have each other, we are all together and dammit we have a beautiful new tree skirt that may get put down on Christmas Eve and with any luck it will stay dry.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Uncluttering My Brain.......
When I sit down to write I never know what is going to come out. It has been awhile since I blogged and when I do I feel the need to put a warning at the top. My brain goes in several directions at once. I could be going one direction and then go off on a tangent into another. I have too much on my mind for one post but whatever needs to come out will find its way. Since I need to get things out of my head I'm sure this one will have no rhyme or reason--just a bunch of stuff that is weighing me down. Maybe when I finish I'll be able to think a bit clearer.
When I started blogging it was to clear my head as I muddle my way through this thing called life. We all have our different coping mechanisms. Writing has always been an escape for me, a way to get junk out of my head so that I can move forward when I'm stuck. I was not surprised when I heard about blogging therapy a few years ago--this is a form of therapy I've used all of my life. When I was younger I wrote poetry. I am sorry to say that I made my friends and boyfriends read it--if Facebook would have been around my page would have been filled with teen angst poetry that surely would have made me the victim of cyber bullies!
Blog therapy has helped me through bouts of depression and with anxiety. It is hard for those who don't know me well to picture me having depression or anxiety issues but I can map them all the way back to my teens. I spent most of my life trying to hide this side of me because I wanted to be normal. I didn't think anyone would understand my dark moods or irrational fears. In opening up about my struggles I have found that what I suffer from is very common and that my symptoms are pretty mild. Of course when I'm in the middle of fighting off my inner demons it doesn't seem mild to me. The part of blogging that I didn't really expect was that some people would actually read my blogs! To me I was typing out my feelings and sending them to the universe. I didn't think the universe would respond. There are a few who have said that my words have helped them. If a post happens to help one person then that is awesome. Helping others and encouraging those who are going through rough times are things I try to do in my daily life. I want to be a light for others. Being a light can be a challenge when I'm in a dark spot but meeting that challenge helps me to remember that most of life is good.
I haven't blogged in awhile because I've been in a funk and my self esteem is in the toilet. I worry too much about what others think. I hate that about myself. I tell everyone not to let people dictate to them who they should be or how they should act. How come I can't follow my own advice? It was pointed out to me recently that my struggles with self worth have affected someone very close to me. That breaks my heart. I have let my weight, lack of a career and lack of a college degree make me feel like a failure. These things may matter to the world but they don't matter to those closest to me who know me, love me and believe in me. My weight and IQ don't define me. I let myself believe that they did and have formed a very bad habit of putting myself down.
I've waded through this funk since Christmas and have once again set out to reinvent myself. Bad habits are hard to break. I have been working to accept who I am at this moment in time. I may be a total freak but at this point in my life who I am seems to change daily. I have had some major transitions over the past few years and they have taken their toll. Losing a parent, not being able to protect my children from heartache, losing a job that I loved and becoming an empty nester have been the biggest of dozens of events that have brought me to this place. I miss my dad. I miss the job that I had at CCS where I got to use my skills and felt confident in what I was doing. When the company went bankrupt after I got back from my leave of absence I was devastated. I have had a couple of jobs since then but until now I didn't have one that felt right. My current job is a work in progress. At the moment I'm not as confident as I'd like to be. Having my children all out in the big scary world has been and will continue to be rough. I have to remind myself daily that they will be okay. We all need to find our own way and as much as I want to hold their hands and ward off monsters I have to hold back. Raising children through til the end of high school is filled with homework, sports, activities and juggling schedules. When the youngest child graduates a chapter of your life is over. Transitioning and reinventing come easier for some. I'm trying to fake it til I make it. What I need to do now is to move forward looking ahead. What is behind me has given me some valuable lessons and now I need to move along.
It is hard to put into words the things that keep me awake at night. I am filled constantly with guilt at not being a better daughter, niece, wife, mother, friend.... There is not enough time in the day to do all of the things that I want to do. Instead of being grateful for the things I did accomplish I am haunted by the things that I didn't do. I feel badly that I am not able to spend more time with my mom and aunt. I wish that I could do more for my children. I don't see my friends as much as I would like to see them. All that I can do is try to find moments here and there to spend quality time with those I love.
There are different seasons in our lives and some years are busier than others. My focus right now is on building a dream home with my husband. We are now questioning whether we can afford it but have to trust that somehow it will all work out. Going into this endeavor I envisioned the new home representing a new chapter. Together we are building a place that we designed together with visions of family gatherings and BBQ's with friends. What I didn't envision was all of the paperwork, contractors, set backs and headaches that go along with buying and selling homes. Today we are falling further behind on progress because the plumber cancelled and the house cannot move forward without having the plumbing in place. They haven't been able to reschedule because all of the plumbers on their list are busy. We don't know how long it will sit before they can work on it again. The house stuff is frustrating me right now but it is not what has me down. I know that in a few months we will be moving and life is good. We are blessed~this is something that we have been planning for five years and it is becoming a reality. I am grateful for this because six months ago I believed that it would be another year or two before we could make this happen.
After all of the other stuff we are really coming to the heart of the matter. I haven't blogged in 2016 because of fear. I let a bully make me question whether I should be blogging. I let someone who doesn't matter scare me into being quiet. Several months ago I wrote a blog about Christmas music being played in September. I started a new job and spent a few hours listening to Christmas music. Not all of us get warm and fuzzy feelings when we hear Christmas music. I was confronted about this blog and told that several lawyers had read it to make sure that it wasn't crossing any line. This really seemed like overkill to me. I am a no name soccer mom who averages about 10 readers. I also try hard to be overly politically correct at all times--even when I'm decluttering my brain. I have to sensor things like everyone else. Most of it is actually natural--I hate conflict and I hate offending people. There was a time when avoiding conflict and being unoffensive were easier. We used to live in a different world. Today you offend people by just breathing. Anything and everything you do, feel, think and say is scrutinized. As you can imagine being called in to hear that six lawyers almost doubled the audience of my blog kind of freaked me out. I send my stuff out to the universe in hopes that it will make someone smile, laugh or help them through a rough time. There was nothing worthy of litigation in my writings and because they weren't my intended audience they didn't find it particularly witty or entertaining--there are critics everywhere. I am making light of it but in all reality it changed my thoughts on blogging and Facebook posting. It made me aware that all who are reading aren't friends. Some people read what you write so that they can turn your own words against you and make them something they are not. I am all about love and kindness. My mind can't compete against those who have ulterior motives and who try to mess with people's minds. My mind is messed up enough--it doesn't need extra messing.
Since I am de-junking my brain I needed to get this part out so that I can move on. I have let bullies manipulate me in the past. My personality is such that I'm an easy target. I am a people pleaser. I think that might be hardwired into me~we are all wired in different ways. As I get older I see that I need to protect myself more. I need to step back from those who don't have my best interest in mind, I need to stand up for myself and not let myself be bullied into situations that make me uncomfortable. There is a slight chance that my blog posts are still being monitored and scrutinized. If this is the case I will leave a message. I will never mention your name or your business in this or in any of my posts. I am not and never have been a vindictive person. Have a nice life, good luck in your business and try hard to be the person you advertise yourself to be. Once my son asked me why his friend bragged so much to everyone about how much better of a soccer player he was. It hurt my son's feelings because in his mind they were both good and he didn't understand why the friend had to brag to everyone about not only how good he was but how much better he was than my son. I explained to him that if you really are good then you don't have to tell everyone about how good you are--people are smart and will be able to see it without being told. If you feel you need to tell people how good you are then you are trying to convince yourself.
As I said--unclogging my brain is a major undertaking that goes in all different directions. There is a chance that no one will ever read any of this and that is fine by me. I need to get out of this funk and move forward with life. My goals are surviving the closing of both houses, moving, getting rid of at least half of the stuff in storage so that life is more streamlined, getting more confident in my current job, picking up another part-time job to help with the bills, make sure my friends and family don't forget I'm still kicking and to just live a simple life full of love and kindness. Sappy--I know--but that is me and I have to confidently own who I am.
When I started blogging it was to clear my head as I muddle my way through this thing called life. We all have our different coping mechanisms. Writing has always been an escape for me, a way to get junk out of my head so that I can move forward when I'm stuck. I was not surprised when I heard about blogging therapy a few years ago--this is a form of therapy I've used all of my life. When I was younger I wrote poetry. I am sorry to say that I made my friends and boyfriends read it--if Facebook would have been around my page would have been filled with teen angst poetry that surely would have made me the victim of cyber bullies!
Blog therapy has helped me through bouts of depression and with anxiety. It is hard for those who don't know me well to picture me having depression or anxiety issues but I can map them all the way back to my teens. I spent most of my life trying to hide this side of me because I wanted to be normal. I didn't think anyone would understand my dark moods or irrational fears. In opening up about my struggles I have found that what I suffer from is very common and that my symptoms are pretty mild. Of course when I'm in the middle of fighting off my inner demons it doesn't seem mild to me. The part of blogging that I didn't really expect was that some people would actually read my blogs! To me I was typing out my feelings and sending them to the universe. I didn't think the universe would respond. There are a few who have said that my words have helped them. If a post happens to help one person then that is awesome. Helping others and encouraging those who are going through rough times are things I try to do in my daily life. I want to be a light for others. Being a light can be a challenge when I'm in a dark spot but meeting that challenge helps me to remember that most of life is good.
I haven't blogged in awhile because I've been in a funk and my self esteem is in the toilet. I worry too much about what others think. I hate that about myself. I tell everyone not to let people dictate to them who they should be or how they should act. How come I can't follow my own advice? It was pointed out to me recently that my struggles with self worth have affected someone very close to me. That breaks my heart. I have let my weight, lack of a career and lack of a college degree make me feel like a failure. These things may matter to the world but they don't matter to those closest to me who know me, love me and believe in me. My weight and IQ don't define me. I let myself believe that they did and have formed a very bad habit of putting myself down.
I've waded through this funk since Christmas and have once again set out to reinvent myself. Bad habits are hard to break. I have been working to accept who I am at this moment in time. I may be a total freak but at this point in my life who I am seems to change daily. I have had some major transitions over the past few years and they have taken their toll. Losing a parent, not being able to protect my children from heartache, losing a job that I loved and becoming an empty nester have been the biggest of dozens of events that have brought me to this place. I miss my dad. I miss the job that I had at CCS where I got to use my skills and felt confident in what I was doing. When the company went bankrupt after I got back from my leave of absence I was devastated. I have had a couple of jobs since then but until now I didn't have one that felt right. My current job is a work in progress. At the moment I'm not as confident as I'd like to be. Having my children all out in the big scary world has been and will continue to be rough. I have to remind myself daily that they will be okay. We all need to find our own way and as much as I want to hold their hands and ward off monsters I have to hold back. Raising children through til the end of high school is filled with homework, sports, activities and juggling schedules. When the youngest child graduates a chapter of your life is over. Transitioning and reinventing come easier for some. I'm trying to fake it til I make it. What I need to do now is to move forward looking ahead. What is behind me has given me some valuable lessons and now I need to move along.
It is hard to put into words the things that keep me awake at night. I am filled constantly with guilt at not being a better daughter, niece, wife, mother, friend.... There is not enough time in the day to do all of the things that I want to do. Instead of being grateful for the things I did accomplish I am haunted by the things that I didn't do. I feel badly that I am not able to spend more time with my mom and aunt. I wish that I could do more for my children. I don't see my friends as much as I would like to see them. All that I can do is try to find moments here and there to spend quality time with those I love.
There are different seasons in our lives and some years are busier than others. My focus right now is on building a dream home with my husband. We are now questioning whether we can afford it but have to trust that somehow it will all work out. Going into this endeavor I envisioned the new home representing a new chapter. Together we are building a place that we designed together with visions of family gatherings and BBQ's with friends. What I didn't envision was all of the paperwork, contractors, set backs and headaches that go along with buying and selling homes. Today we are falling further behind on progress because the plumber cancelled and the house cannot move forward without having the plumbing in place. They haven't been able to reschedule because all of the plumbers on their list are busy. We don't know how long it will sit before they can work on it again. The house stuff is frustrating me right now but it is not what has me down. I know that in a few months we will be moving and life is good. We are blessed~this is something that we have been planning for five years and it is becoming a reality. I am grateful for this because six months ago I believed that it would be another year or two before we could make this happen.
After all of the other stuff we are really coming to the heart of the matter. I haven't blogged in 2016 because of fear. I let a bully make me question whether I should be blogging. I let someone who doesn't matter scare me into being quiet. Several months ago I wrote a blog about Christmas music being played in September. I started a new job and spent a few hours listening to Christmas music. Not all of us get warm and fuzzy feelings when we hear Christmas music. I was confronted about this blog and told that several lawyers had read it to make sure that it wasn't crossing any line. This really seemed like overkill to me. I am a no name soccer mom who averages about 10 readers. I also try hard to be overly politically correct at all times--even when I'm decluttering my brain. I have to sensor things like everyone else. Most of it is actually natural--I hate conflict and I hate offending people. There was a time when avoiding conflict and being unoffensive were easier. We used to live in a different world. Today you offend people by just breathing. Anything and everything you do, feel, think and say is scrutinized. As you can imagine being called in to hear that six lawyers almost doubled the audience of my blog kind of freaked me out. I send my stuff out to the universe in hopes that it will make someone smile, laugh or help them through a rough time. There was nothing worthy of litigation in my writings and because they weren't my intended audience they didn't find it particularly witty or entertaining--there are critics everywhere. I am making light of it but in all reality it changed my thoughts on blogging and Facebook posting. It made me aware that all who are reading aren't friends. Some people read what you write so that they can turn your own words against you and make them something they are not. I am all about love and kindness. My mind can't compete against those who have ulterior motives and who try to mess with people's minds. My mind is messed up enough--it doesn't need extra messing.
Since I am de-junking my brain I needed to get this part out so that I can move on. I have let bullies manipulate me in the past. My personality is such that I'm an easy target. I am a people pleaser. I think that might be hardwired into me~we are all wired in different ways. As I get older I see that I need to protect myself more. I need to step back from those who don't have my best interest in mind, I need to stand up for myself and not let myself be bullied into situations that make me uncomfortable. There is a slight chance that my blog posts are still being monitored and scrutinized. If this is the case I will leave a message. I will never mention your name or your business in this or in any of my posts. I am not and never have been a vindictive person. Have a nice life, good luck in your business and try hard to be the person you advertise yourself to be. Once my son asked me why his friend bragged so much to everyone about how much better of a soccer player he was. It hurt my son's feelings because in his mind they were both good and he didn't understand why the friend had to brag to everyone about not only how good he was but how much better he was than my son. I explained to him that if you really are good then you don't have to tell everyone about how good you are--people are smart and will be able to see it without being told. If you feel you need to tell people how good you are then you are trying to convince yourself.
As I said--unclogging my brain is a major undertaking that goes in all different directions. There is a chance that no one will ever read any of this and that is fine by me. I need to get out of this funk and move forward with life. My goals are surviving the closing of both houses, moving, getting rid of at least half of the stuff in storage so that life is more streamlined, getting more confident in my current job, picking up another part-time job to help with the bills, make sure my friends and family don't forget I'm still kicking and to just live a simple life full of love and kindness. Sappy--I know--but that is me and I have to confidently own who I am.
Monday, January 4, 2016
Who Two
If I were to be completely honest I could say that I missed the mark on achieving my goals in 2015. I weigh a little more now than I did a year ago, I am not regularly meditating and did not start attending a yoga class as planned. I am still in the same house, I don't love my job and I am not eating a consistently healthy diet. I am a year older, still chunky and still clueless as to what I want to be doing to contribute to the family income. All of those things are true but they don't paint the complete picture of my year. I hiked a few great hikes, had some pretty awesome adventures with family and friends and made dozens of amazing memories. I also kept my head up most of the time, made it through the holidays without any anti-depressants or anxiety medications, learned valuable lessons that will keep me on track for future successes and after a few dark days of brooding have a positive attitude going into 2016.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have a great collection of non-fiction books written by wise people on how to succeed, how to be happy, how to find your purpose in life, etc. These are books written by normal people who reached their goals and wanted to help others find the formula to success as well. I love the titles of these books and each one spoke to me on some level or it wouldn't be on my shelves. I actually spent the past week reading one from start to finish. Reading non-fiction isn't my favorite thing. I know it is a great way to learn, but I like diving into fiction so I can escape reality. I did not allow myself any fiction between Christmas and New Year's.
I am a fan of social media when it is used in a positive manner such as keeping in touch with friends and family, sharing pictures and marketing for your business. Networking is imperative these days to making it in any business. Everyone is connected. What I'm not a fan of is cyber bullying, scam artists and hateful ranting on public sites. Hiding behind a computer should not automatically make you immune to being a decent human being. Anonymous or not, you should still have morals and boundaries. I am constantly amazed at the ignorance, arrogance and blatant poison that people unleash on the world through chat rooms, public forums and sometimes on your own personal pages.
There are days when I wish I didn't have to censor everything that I write. I am very aware of who may be reading and how they may react to the truth of how I feel. I have learned so much about perspective this past year. The negativity that oozes at family functions and the barrage of opinions really make me want to hide away until all is quiet again. I know what is expected of me. I put on the smile, try to visit and make small talk. I just don't have the energy today. I have been under fire for two weeks. In these two days at home I want to relax and feel comfortable in my own home. I came back to re-energize. I have another hard week coming up. There are decisions to make and details to iron out as I try to keep the peace. There are those who are critical of what others are or aren't doing. Everyone has their own agenda. I am trying to step away from what I need, feel and think and do what is best for my family and my father. If I were the one in the hospital bed living the last of my days I would want those around me to care more about me than what they feel others
At a social media training for our company this past week the facilitator used the analogy of being on the right bus and in the right seat when talking about which employees should be in charge of the social media aspect of the office. You may hire the right person for your office, but do you have them doing the right job? This was a question that they asked and it made me start questioning if I am on the right bus. Okay--so I have a few buses and I need to figure out if I should be on any of them!
I am a big fan of self-help books. I own dozens. I honestly can't tell you if I've actually ever read one. I think I'm a fan of the idea of self-help books. I'm also a fan of their titles. Why read the book when the title already makes you think? I prefer fiction since make-believe is usually better than the real thing. Finding the right bus should be the title of a self-help book, maybe it already is. There are articles that talk about inviting the right people to join you on your bus. Sometimes I think I want to be a bus driver. I am happy in the passenger seat as long as I get to sit near the front. I get sick in the back of the bus.
One of my self-help books has the premise of doing what you love. If you are passionate about it, you can find a way to make money doing it. Great thought, but one that I haven't figured out. I think it has been hard for me to figure out what I am passionate about. I have been taking note lately and find that soccer, rescuing animals (specifically dogs), helping people, reading and writing are the things that I gravitate towards.
Several months ago I went to a class through work where they used a popular analogy that I hadn't actually heard before. When I Googled it I found that as usual I was behind the times, but I liked it. They wanted to make sure that the employees were all in the right seats on the bus. I knew right away that I was sitting in the wrong seat and started wondering if I was even on the right bus. I figured out quickly that I wasn't. The problem is how do you find the right bus? So many buses look alike! I am exiting this particular bus tomorrow and planning to board another next week. Thankfully life is a journey and if the next bus doesn't seem to be going in the right direction I can always signal the driver and exit that bus as well. Who knows, maybe the driver will find that I don't fit in on his bus and will ask me to get off. I really do want to find a nice comfortable seat with a good view on the correct bus and sit there for awhile. I have bus hopped for years due to my need for part-time and flexible buses. I took some short road trips and had a few bumpy rides. The last bus that I really liked crashed. That was a bummer. Thankfully I only suffered a few bumps and bruises and was able to catch another bus that was supposed to be temporary; I got comfortable and stayed a little longer than I intended. There are times when I daydream of driving my own bus. Buses are expensive though and maintaining them can be complicated. I am better off just continuing my search for the right one with a seat that fits me well.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have a great collection of non-fiction books written by wise people on how to succeed, how to be happy, how to find your purpose in life, etc. These are books written by normal people who reached their goals and wanted to help others find the formula to success as well. I love the titles of these books and each one spoke to me on some level or it wouldn't be on my shelves. I actually spent the past week reading one from start to finish. Reading non-fiction isn't my favorite thing. I know it is a great way to learn, but I like diving into fiction so I can escape reality. I did not allow myself any fiction between Christmas and New Year's.
I am a fan of social media when it is used in a positive manner such as keeping in touch with friends and family, sharing pictures and marketing for your business. Networking is imperative these days to making it in any business. Everyone is connected. What I'm not a fan of is cyber bullying, scam artists and hateful ranting on public sites. Hiding behind a computer should not automatically make you immune to being a decent human being. Anonymous or not, you should still have morals and boundaries. I am constantly amazed at the ignorance, arrogance and blatant poison that people unleash on the world through chat rooms, public forums and sometimes on your own personal pages.
There are days when I wish I didn't have to censor everything that I write. I am very aware of who may be reading and how they may react to the truth of how I feel. I have learned so much about perspective this past year. The negativity that oozes at family functions and the barrage of opinions really make me want to hide away until all is quiet again. I know what is expected of me. I put on the smile, try to visit and make small talk. I just don't have the energy today. I have been under fire for two weeks. In these two days at home I want to relax and feel comfortable in my own home. I came back to re-energize. I have another hard week coming up. There are decisions to make and details to iron out as I try to keep the peace. There are those who are critical of what others are or aren't doing. Everyone has their own agenda. I am trying to step away from what I need, feel and think and do what is best for my family and my father. If I were the one in the hospital bed living the last of my days I would want those around me to care more about me than what they feel others
At a social media training for our company this past week the facilitator used the analogy of being on the right bus and in the right seat when talking about which employees should be in charge of the social media aspect of the office. You may hire the right person for your office, but do you have them doing the right job? This was a question that they asked and it made me start questioning if I am on the right bus. Okay--so I have a few buses and I need to figure out if I should be on any of them!
I am a big fan of self-help books. I own dozens. I honestly can't tell you if I've actually ever read one. I think I'm a fan of the idea of self-help books. I'm also a fan of their titles. Why read the book when the title already makes you think? I prefer fiction since make-believe is usually better than the real thing. Finding the right bus should be the title of a self-help book, maybe it already is. There are articles that talk about inviting the right people to join you on your bus. Sometimes I think I want to be a bus driver. I am happy in the passenger seat as long as I get to sit near the front. I get sick in the back of the bus.
One of my self-help books has the premise of doing what you love. If you are passionate about it, you can find a way to make money doing it. Great thought, but one that I haven't figured out. I think it has been hard for me to figure out what I am passionate about. I have been taking note lately and find that soccer, rescuing animals (specifically dogs), helping people, reading and writing are the things that I gravitate towards.
Several months ago I went to a class through work where they used a popular analogy that I hadn't actually heard before. When I Googled it I found that as usual I was behind the times, but I liked it. They wanted to make sure that the employees were all in the right seats on the bus. I knew right away that I was sitting in the wrong seat and started wondering if I was even on the right bus. I figured out quickly that I wasn't. The problem is how do you find the right bus? So many buses look alike! I am exiting this particular bus tomorrow and planning to board another next week. Thankfully life is a journey and if the next bus doesn't seem to be going in the right direction I can always signal the driver and exit that bus as well. Who knows, maybe the driver will find that I don't fit in on his bus and will ask me to get off. I really do want to find a nice comfortable seat with a good view on the correct bus and sit there for awhile. I have bus hopped for years due to my need for part-time and flexible buses. I took some short road trips and had a few bumpy rides. The last bus that I really liked crashed. That was a bummer. Thankfully I only suffered a few bumps and bruises and was able to catch another bus that was supposed to be temporary; I got comfortable and stayed a little longer than I intended. There are times when I daydream of driving my own bus. Buses are expensive though and maintaining them can be complicated. I am better off just continuing my search for the right one with a seat that fits me well.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Who are you? Are you my Who?
I recently picked up a book that is NOT by Dr. Seuss though it kind of sounds like it could be. "The Power of Who" came to my attention when I learned about it during a recent speech. We were at an event when all of the sudden things quieted down for some type of presentation. I was distracted as usual until I was nudged and told that I was needed near the microphone. I love being behind the scenes and making the magic happen. I don't like being in the limelight. True to form I cried as my friend Tammie told the group that I was her "who". She had read a book by Bob Beaudine that states you already know everyone that you need to know in life. Mixed into all of those people is the one that is going to push you and make you accomplish things that you couldn't have accomplished otherwise. I was not the one with the vision, I was not the one putting in the work--all I did was cheer Tammie and her husband on, offer my assistance and put key people into place who could help her to achieve a goal that others told her was not possible. They built a soccer club for a very special group of kids that no one else wanted to build a club for. I was touched that she put so much stock into my minor role in the endeavor. When giving it more thought I actually decided that I was proud to have been named as her "who". I would like to be a professional "who"~steering people in the right direction and patting them on the back when they cross the finish line. I genuinely love people and want the world to live happily ever after. Being a who is kind of like being Santa, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy all in one. Who's are rock stars--I am The Who. Who would have thought? Sorry, I went off on a "who" tangent. This whole who thing is pretty awesome.
I picked up the book because I had to know more about what a who was and how I could get one for myself. Of course anyone who knows me knows that I have a couple of shelves full of great Non-Fiction, self-help, affirmation types of books that I mean to read and then don't. I like their titles, I love the names of the chapters and I really like the thought of reading them. I just don't make the time. I put them aside and dive into fiction because fiction is just so much less work. What's ironic is that I would like to write a few of these books but who would read them? They would be bought by well meaning people like me and sit on shelves like mine.
I am going to carve out some time for The Power of Who. According to the acknowledgements and the table of contents (the two parts of the book I've actually read so far) I have a whole army of who's already! Maybe you are one of them!! I need to dig deeper. I find myself once again at a crossroads with more questions than answers. I have stood at this same crossroads more times than is healthy and I would like to choose right this time. I have decisions to make and goals to map out. I am surrounded by cheerleaders, but none of them know exactly what to cheer for since I'm always spinning in circles and chasing shiny objects. It is time to slow down, sit down, do some evaluating and actually finish reading this book and a couple of others on my shelves. Reading them can't hurt anything and they just might help.
When I learn about who's, what's, when's and why's I will write another part to this post. I will shower you with all kinds of information and encouragement. If you are really interested in it you may not want to wait for me and grab the book for yourself. The author states that he found himself at a time in his life where he gave himself permission to stop dreaming and start doing. I think it's about time that I give myself that same permission as well. In the meantime go out there and be somebody's who! Helping others achieve their goals and dreams is amazing! Tammie~I have no doubt that you are one of my who's!
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Shoe Shopping Blues...........
Once upon a time I was a young average sized girl with normal average size 8 feet. I had all of the shoes I could ever want and then some. I lived blissfully unaware of the fact that pregnancy and weight gain do a number on your feet as well as the rest of your body. With each pregnancy my feet grew a 1/2 inch. They sort of spread out and turned into these size 9.5 wide Fred Flinstone feet that sometimes required a 10. My square feet didn't much like cute pointy shoes or high heels. Luckily for me I love Converse and flats. I had to ditch all of my old shoes and start over again. Several years ago I found a pair of clogs that I really liked. They were comfortable and they gave me some height. I don't necessarily have a problem with being 5'5", but most of my nicer jeans are long and adding a few inches gives me a false sense of looking a tiny bit slimmer. Height/weight proportion is something that a pair of three foot heels might help with, but in my mind just adding those few inches helps just enough to keep me happy. The clogs were awesome, simple and amazingly comfortable. Like many things, they wore out in time. The staples holding them together started coming out. There were only so many times that my husband could play shoemaker and hammer them back together. Sadly one day when they were around six or seven years old they had to be retired to the Goodwill pile. I promised myself I would find another pair. That was over two years ago.
My closet is comprised of several pairs of cute flats, way too many pairs of tennis shoes, an assortment of flip flops (formerly known as thongs) and two pairs of boots that I really like. There is also a pair of black heels hidden somewhere that I really can't wear but keep just in case someday they magically fit better. Maybe if I lose weight my feet will too and some of the shoes that seem tight might suddenly be okay. It could happen! What my closet is lacking is a tall pair of clog like shoes that I can wear with my jeans when it is jeans day at work ~the day we can wear jeans if we dress them up a bit. I think they call it business casual or something. I actually get texts from my new job telling me I can wear jeans sometimes when it is not Friday! That is awesome--I love wearing jeans. Yes--I am off track! I ordered a pair of clogs a few months back from Zulily. I got a great deal on a pair of Danskos and of course because I ordered them online I didn't try them on beforehand. I've had great success with shoes form Zulily before and figured all would be well. The Danskos came and they were not your standard clogs, they had a back. I tried to put them on, ready for the nice leather to stretch and form to my foot. Somehow I transformed into one of the ugly step sisters trying on the glass slipper. My foot would not contort to fit into the shoe. At one point I sort of got them on~I thought if I could only get my foot to fit I could stretch them. The cramps in my feet were so bad that I couldn't keep my foot in them to do any stretching. Today was a Jeans day at work and my new jeans are too long, I pulled the Danskos out of the closet and nothing has changed. I couldn't figure out what the issue was. I was sure that I checked the size chart right. The sizes are European. It turns out that I misread the chart and was trying to squeeze my big feet into an 8.5. Damn non refundable shoes, damn size chart, damn me for not reading it right--they are perfect and they will never fit my feet. Back to the drawing board. I took my depressed self shoe shopping during my short lunch break today. I thought that if I could find a cute pair of clog like shoes that would fit and look good with my jeans my mood would improve. There was more toe scrunching and misery. It seems that style doesn't even like my foot when I try a 9.5 or 10. I need backless clogs--the normal kind that used to be easy to find. Tonight I talked my husband into taking me to two more stores--no luck. Now I am bound and determined to find the perfect shoe. Of course he is not sympathetic since in his mind I have a zillion shoes and so what if they are all flat and my jeans drag on the ground--roll them up.
I will not let my failure to procure shoes today get me down. It may not be tomorrow, it may not even be next week, but some day soon I will find the shoes that I am looking for. They will be cute, they will fit comfortably and they will look amazing with my jeans. When I wear them I will look an eensy, teensy bit thinner and that will give me confidence. Silly I know--I shouldn't let shoes dictate my mood, but sometimes I can't help it. I'm a girl!! Even ugly step sisters with Fred Flinstone feet deserve cute shoes!!!
My closet is comprised of several pairs of cute flats, way too many pairs of tennis shoes, an assortment of flip flops (formerly known as thongs) and two pairs of boots that I really like. There is also a pair of black heels hidden somewhere that I really can't wear but keep just in case someday they magically fit better. Maybe if I lose weight my feet will too and some of the shoes that seem tight might suddenly be okay. It could happen! What my closet is lacking is a tall pair of clog like shoes that I can wear with my jeans when it is jeans day at work ~the day we can wear jeans if we dress them up a bit. I think they call it business casual or something. I actually get texts from my new job telling me I can wear jeans sometimes when it is not Friday! That is awesome--I love wearing jeans. Yes--I am off track! I ordered a pair of clogs a few months back from Zulily. I got a great deal on a pair of Danskos and of course because I ordered them online I didn't try them on beforehand. I've had great success with shoes form Zulily before and figured all would be well. The Danskos came and they were not your standard clogs, they had a back. I tried to put them on, ready for the nice leather to stretch and form to my foot. Somehow I transformed into one of the ugly step sisters trying on the glass slipper. My foot would not contort to fit into the shoe. At one point I sort of got them on~I thought if I could only get my foot to fit I could stretch them. The cramps in my feet were so bad that I couldn't keep my foot in them to do any stretching. Today was a Jeans day at work and my new jeans are too long, I pulled the Danskos out of the closet and nothing has changed. I couldn't figure out what the issue was. I was sure that I checked the size chart right. The sizes are European. It turns out that I misread the chart and was trying to squeeze my big feet into an 8.5. Damn non refundable shoes, damn size chart, damn me for not reading it right--they are perfect and they will never fit my feet. Back to the drawing board. I took my depressed self shoe shopping during my short lunch break today. I thought that if I could find a cute pair of clog like shoes that would fit and look good with my jeans my mood would improve. There was more toe scrunching and misery. It seems that style doesn't even like my foot when I try a 9.5 or 10. I need backless clogs--the normal kind that used to be easy to find. Tonight I talked my husband into taking me to two more stores--no luck. Now I am bound and determined to find the perfect shoe. Of course he is not sympathetic since in his mind I have a zillion shoes and so what if they are all flat and my jeans drag on the ground--roll them up.
I will not let my failure to procure shoes today get me down. It may not be tomorrow, it may not even be next week, but some day soon I will find the shoes that I am looking for. They will be cute, they will fit comfortably and they will look amazing with my jeans. When I wear them I will look an eensy, teensy bit thinner and that will give me confidence. Silly I know--I shouldn't let shoes dictate my mood, but sometimes I can't help it. I'm a girl!! Even ugly step sisters with Fred Flinstone feet deserve cute shoes!!!
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Bah Humbug.......kind of........
I am NOT the Grinch. I love Christmas, okay, love is a strong word. I like Christmas, just not as much as others and not as early as some people in the world. Today is September 30th~tomorrow my favorite month begins. Please let me enjoy the crisp fall air, crunchy leaves, pumpkin flavored treats, wearing sweaters and all of the joys of October before you start in with the holiday cheer. I started a new job last week. I really think I'm going to like it. I have learned a lot and am starting to feel comfortable. Well, I was feeling comfortable until today when I realized that I didn't have the heart to ask one of my co-workers to turn off the Christmas tunes. I get it--she's had a rough week and was trying to cheer herself up. Eat chocolate like the rest of us. Couldn't she annoy me with show tunes instead--those are upbeat! As I sat in the too warm office listening to Silent Night this afternoon I did have some Scrooge thoughts dancing through my head instead of sugar plums. To everything there is a season, Christmas is in the winter!I know it was a long summer but I refuse to skip fall!!
I'm a little slower than most to warm up to Christmas. I start to get a little excited on December 1st. I am seldom able to enjoy it sooner because I find the hype of Black Friday and the fact that it has now taken over Thanksgiving out of character for what it is all supposed to mean. How can we be thankful and enjoy family members when a certain faction of them are trying to scarf down the bird so they can hurry and get in line at the mall for the newest gadgets? I can't feel warm fuzzies when I am watching news footage of yet another death by stampede at Walmart over low priced electronics. I guess it is safe to say that I have become jaded. I am quick to notice the greedy gleam in the eyes of those looking to profit off the holiday. The people who drop loads of cash on the hot ticket items so they can run home and list them for astronomical amounts on E-bay forcing frazzled parents to pay way too much out of sheer desperation. I realize that higher profit margins are good for the economy and keep people in jobs. It isn't good for my morale. I actually went through a phase of dreading the whole thing~the pressure to come up with amazing gifts on a tight budget helped me do a number on my credit rating. Who needs good credit when all of the relatives are reasonably happy. Half of them probably returned my thoughtful gifts but that is all part of the season now. The goodwill and good cheer of holiday lore have been replaced by rude, annoyed or frustrated souls caught in the trap of consumer lust and blatant commercialism. I am giving myself a headache and my mood is darkening just thinking about it. If only my co-worker knew the havoc she wreaked on my psyche today.
There are those who still understand the meaning of Christmas; people who remember magical memories and the ways that certain traditions made them feel. I am trying very hard to get back to that. I am working on actually liking Christmas again. I would have an easier time liking it if it wasn't shoved down my throat earlier and earlier each year. I don't need a countdown in July. I don't need to see it on the shelves in August and I don't need to be listening to carols at the end of September. Bah Humbug--I know. I have friends who adore it and I respect that. I envy them in a way. Just respect me when I say that all things are good in moderation. Christmas moderation should start after Thanksgiving and your lights should be down by the middle of January. I do give kudos to those who find ways to make their lights work for other holidays throughout the year. While I'm at it, I may as well say that leaving your wreath on your door until summer when it is brown and looks like a fire hazard annoys me as well.
Happy October my friends! Eat a cranberry bliss bar at Starbucks (yes more consumerism), drink a hot cocoa for me and pray for my sanity!! I think it is safe to say that though I am most likely certifiably insane I am harmless and sometimes just have to rant in a blog to amuse myself. If I can keep from getting too annoyed, I may actually send some Christmas cards this year. I'm not going to get ahead of myself though. Chances are I may be done with Christmas by the end of October at this rate!!
I'm a little slower than most to warm up to Christmas. I start to get a little excited on December 1st. I am seldom able to enjoy it sooner because I find the hype of Black Friday and the fact that it has now taken over Thanksgiving out of character for what it is all supposed to mean. How can we be thankful and enjoy family members when a certain faction of them are trying to scarf down the bird so they can hurry and get in line at the mall for the newest gadgets? I can't feel warm fuzzies when I am watching news footage of yet another death by stampede at Walmart over low priced electronics. I guess it is safe to say that I have become jaded. I am quick to notice the greedy gleam in the eyes of those looking to profit off the holiday. The people who drop loads of cash on the hot ticket items so they can run home and list them for astronomical amounts on E-bay forcing frazzled parents to pay way too much out of sheer desperation. I realize that higher profit margins are good for the economy and keep people in jobs. It isn't good for my morale. I actually went through a phase of dreading the whole thing~the pressure to come up with amazing gifts on a tight budget helped me do a number on my credit rating. Who needs good credit when all of the relatives are reasonably happy. Half of them probably returned my thoughtful gifts but that is all part of the season now. The goodwill and good cheer of holiday lore have been replaced by rude, annoyed or frustrated souls caught in the trap of consumer lust and blatant commercialism. I am giving myself a headache and my mood is darkening just thinking about it. If only my co-worker knew the havoc she wreaked on my psyche today.
There are those who still understand the meaning of Christmas; people who remember magical memories and the ways that certain traditions made them feel. I am trying very hard to get back to that. I am working on actually liking Christmas again. I would have an easier time liking it if it wasn't shoved down my throat earlier and earlier each year. I don't need a countdown in July. I don't need to see it on the shelves in August and I don't need to be listening to carols at the end of September. Bah Humbug--I know. I have friends who adore it and I respect that. I envy them in a way. Just respect me when I say that all things are good in moderation. Christmas moderation should start after Thanksgiving and your lights should be down by the middle of January. I do give kudos to those who find ways to make their lights work for other holidays throughout the year. While I'm at it, I may as well say that leaving your wreath on your door until summer when it is brown and looks like a fire hazard annoys me as well.
Happy October my friends! Eat a cranberry bliss bar at Starbucks (yes more consumerism), drink a hot cocoa for me and pray for my sanity!! I think it is safe to say that though I am most likely certifiably insane I am harmless and sometimes just have to rant in a blog to amuse myself. If I can keep from getting too annoyed, I may actually send some Christmas cards this year. I'm not going to get ahead of myself though. Chances are I may be done with Christmas by the end of October at this rate!!
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