Last week I was chided by a good friend when I referred to my figure as that of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. I don't really mean to beat myself up, it is just that I tend to handle life with humor. I need to laugh sometimes so I don't cry. Crying is no fun and what's the point in crying over spilt milk? I have been a chunky chick for awhile now and it isn't then end of the world. Well, I didn't think it was the end of the world until I started gaining even more weight almost effortlessly. Why does it come on so easily and then refuse to come off. I knew I was gaining weight. I shunned the scale for months. I was right around the 230 mark when my dad got sick last year. I was unhappy there and wanted to get below 200. I got sidetracked. I thought I had gained about 10-12 pounds. I wish--not really--but 10-12 would be so much more acceptable than the actual 26 pounds that I gained. In the past few months I have grown more sluggish, have had weird dizzy spells and have had to start sleeping with a CPAP due to sleep Apnea. I never had these issues before. I don't think it is all age related. I firmly believe that weight is a giant issue that is starting to catch up with me. Until recently my doctor has been amazed at what great health I've been in. I can almost see that little thought bubble saying "wow, you are amazingly healthy for a fat person". She is much too nice to say that out loud, but sometimes it isn't hard to read minds!
A lot has been happening these past months. Job change, house decisions and life have side tracked me. I am easily distracted when I don't want to deal with something. I have started dealing with the weight a few times before but have just not really put the time and effort into it. The most important part of weight loss is finding what works for you personally and then believing in yourself to be able to follow through. Follow through isn't always my strong point. Look at the half written book I have lying around and then the others that are in various stages. Someday I may shock and amaze us all and actually finish one. Yes--I am digressing--I do that often.
In the past I have been successful only when I have felt fully in control of my plan. I have spent hours and money on programs, meal plans, diet books and hypnosis. Each worked to varying degrees. The only thing that is going to help me to succeed is a life change. I have been laying the ground work for that over the past few weeks. I was planning weight loss before I stepped on the scale and saw that awful number that made me cry. It is what it is and all that it means is that I am going to have to work a little harder and lose a little more. In preparation for this journey I have bought the dogs great walking harnesses, bought new walking shoes, planned a few hikes, have my fit bit up and running and sketched out a plan. This plan is including a product that my friend is currently using and selling. It is something that is working for her. I don't know if it will work for me yet. I am giving it a try for 8 weeks and will be happy to tell you all about it if I achieve results. The bottom line though is finding what works for you. Everyone is different and each individual has to find their own motivation, tools and will power.
This year I turn 50. It seems a little scary, but I'm handling it okay. I do look at it as me entering the third quarter. There will be no fourth quarter if I don't get a handle on my weight. If I want another 25-50 years of quality living it is time for me to start putting more effort into the upkeep of this body. It is going to wear out if I put too much more stress on it. Finding a healthy weight, more energy, better balance and moments of pure joy are going to do wonders for however much time I have left. I am in trouble at home for talking about my future demise, but death is part of life. We all will do it eventually. I want to make sure that there are as few regrets as possible. I will not let my weight, my lack of self confidence or my fear of failure keep me from doing anything that I really want to do.
Yes--part of this is a pep talk! Affirmations, quotes, all of that are part of me reminding myself that I am moving forward. There is no room for past failures or disappointments to hinder the journey. Some days I will fall on my face. That is okay. It isn't a race--it is life and letting go of anything negative will help me as I work to change old patterns. :) When I post the motivational stuff it is because it resounded with me and may also help others out there. I am all about helping one another achieve our goals whatever they may be. Hopefully they are all positive ones!!
So my fit bit has my goals in it. I need to get under 200 pounds and stay under for the rest of my life. My doctor says that 190 is a great weight for me. I am a size 12 at 190 and have a lot of energy. Personally I would like to hit 175 but weight is just a number. It is how my clothes fit, my energy level and quality of life that will be the key to feeling successful in all of this. I made a Face book group page attached to my regular page for anyone interested in following the journey and helping to hold me accountable. My fit bit seems to think that I can get to 190 by December. We will see. It needs to give room for user error! I am tracking my water, steps and calories through it. A big thing for me is to cut back to almost no sugar. I am so addicted to sugar and it is NOT my friend. I have had little to no sugar in two days. I'm not missing it too much at the moment. I did manage to walk past three chocolate cookies for two days until Kyle threw them away so they didn't continue to tempt me!
Let the journey begin--hopefully I won't fall off of the cliff this time around! :)
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Thursday, March 19, 2015
I wish I was a dog whisperer...........
It's a mystery. Not one that many people would take an interest in, but a mystery all the same. There is a chance that my sweet, blue-eyed baby just may not be as sweet as I think he is. Dempsey turned nine months old this week. He is still a funny guy with a charming personality, but he may also have decided that his best friend is not welcome on my bed. Maybe Dempsey has nothing to do with it, but something has happened recently and without a dog psychic I may never know what the deal is. Yes--maybe it is time for you non-dog people to stop reading. This is a dog blog. You know I am a sappy dog mom, so this one is for those who can relate.
Up until last week, our king sized bed was a happy place where the dogs liked to cuddle with me while I read or napped. Each morning when Antone let Rooney out of Kyle's room he would run in and kiss me good morning before going out to do his business. He would then race back up the stairs and cuddle in tight until I got up. If I read in bed at other times he would come cuddle as well. Rooney is two and a half, so this is a well established routine and one that I guess I took for granted. Since Rooney is Kyle's dog, he sleeps in Kyle's room. Dempsey sleeps in our bed. It is not something that Antone is happy about many nights, but that is where he has ended up. He was such a cute little lonely puppy at first. I couldn't leave him alone in the kennel all night. I let him on the bed. Now he is over 70 pounds and takes up some space. He has always shared with Rooney though--there is plenty of room.
I can't pinpoint the exact day, but recently Rooney stopped coming to kiss me good morning. I can live without the sloppy, wet morning kiss, so wasn't too concerned. That has now turned into the fact that Rooney will not come near my bed n the morning. He paces the room, lays by the bedroom door and ignores me when I call him. I try to get him to come to me and he pointedly looks away. He won't come near the bed. Dempsey watches as I call him--he cuddles in very close to me. Is he giving Rooney the stink eye and I don't know it. Is he projecting a message saying this is my space and my mom and you aren't welcome up here anymore? Maybe...... Antone tried putting Rooney up on the bed with me yesterday. He wouldn't jump up on his own even with us giving him the green light. We practically begged him to jump up and visit. He looked away. Once he was put up there physically he seemed okay--not his cuddly self though. Today I tried again. No dice.
When I got up and went to the shower he jumped up on the bed and played with Dempsey. Is it me? Did I offend the dog? He and Dempsey still play together and are buds. The drama centers around the bed. Is the bed haunted and Dempsey is immune? Is my CPAP machine scary? The mask is off by the time Rooney is up and around. The machine looks like a clock radio or something--not big or intimidating. I have heard of people trying to figure ways to keep their dogs off of the furniture. I never seem to be in the norm.... I don't want to believe that Dempsey would have anything to do with this new behavior. I guess I will see how the next few weeks unfold. It could actually be a conspiracy from my husband to get me to cuddle more with him. Hmmm..........
Up until last week, our king sized bed was a happy place where the dogs liked to cuddle with me while I read or napped. Each morning when Antone let Rooney out of Kyle's room he would run in and kiss me good morning before going out to do his business. He would then race back up the stairs and cuddle in tight until I got up. If I read in bed at other times he would come cuddle as well. Rooney is two and a half, so this is a well established routine and one that I guess I took for granted. Since Rooney is Kyle's dog, he sleeps in Kyle's room. Dempsey sleeps in our bed. It is not something that Antone is happy about many nights, but that is where he has ended up. He was such a cute little lonely puppy at first. I couldn't leave him alone in the kennel all night. I let him on the bed. Now he is over 70 pounds and takes up some space. He has always shared with Rooney though--there is plenty of room.
I can't pinpoint the exact day, but recently Rooney stopped coming to kiss me good morning. I can live without the sloppy, wet morning kiss, so wasn't too concerned. That has now turned into the fact that Rooney will not come near my bed n the morning. He paces the room, lays by the bedroom door and ignores me when I call him. I try to get him to come to me and he pointedly looks away. He won't come near the bed. Dempsey watches as I call him--he cuddles in very close to me. Is he giving Rooney the stink eye and I don't know it. Is he projecting a message saying this is my space and my mom and you aren't welcome up here anymore? Maybe...... Antone tried putting Rooney up on the bed with me yesterday. He wouldn't jump up on his own even with us giving him the green light. We practically begged him to jump up and visit. He looked away. Once he was put up there physically he seemed okay--not his cuddly self though. Today I tried again. No dice.
When I got up and went to the shower he jumped up on the bed and played with Dempsey. Is it me? Did I offend the dog? He and Dempsey still play together and are buds. The drama centers around the bed. Is the bed haunted and Dempsey is immune? Is my CPAP machine scary? The mask is off by the time Rooney is up and around. The machine looks like a clock radio or something--not big or intimidating. I have heard of people trying to figure ways to keep their dogs off of the furniture. I never seem to be in the norm.... I don't want to believe that Dempsey would have anything to do with this new behavior. I guess I will see how the next few weeks unfold. It could actually be a conspiracy from my husband to get me to cuddle more with him. Hmmm..........
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Judging Me Is Not Your Job
It seems there are people out there who choose to follow me on Facebook for the soul reason of judging me. If you fall into that category I have to say I'm pretty sure that is NOT your job. It is God's job to judge me and He certainly doesn't need to be micromanaged. He is VERY capable of managing on His own. God has many years of experience and is technically the only one with the right. For many years I did not share my views, beliefs or opinions even though I have a right to those beliefs just as all of you have rights to yours.. I've always tried to be respectful of the beliefs of others and when needed agree to disagree on certain points. I have been married for over twenty-four years to a person that doesn't always see things the way that I do. It's okay. We respect one another and have no need to try to conform each other. We have our own minds which is how it should be.
I spent a lot of years playing the part of the chameleon, the ostrich and the golden retriever. I wanted to fit in, avoid conflict and be loved by everyone. Constantly working to gain the approval of others is both impossible and exhausting. There are so many more constructive things to do with my time. Conflict is something that I still try avoid when possible, but conflict helps us to learn and to grow. As long as we are living we should be learning and growing. Sitting back thinking we know it all, judging those who we believe don't know it all and thinking that a narrow mind is a good thing are harmful to ourselves and others.
If I were a political person I would most likely be a Democrat who leans more towards Liberal views than Conservative ones. I was given the gifts of empathy, a big heart, an open mind and a lot of love. These are wonderful gifts that can sometimes be painful because this world is full of self-centered people with closed hearts and minds who hoard their love and dole it out to only those who they deem worthy. I'm not wired that way. God does do the wiring. He created us as unique individuals and bestowed free will upon us. My free will and the freedom awarded to me by the country that I live in has made it okay for me to be who I am and not be ashamed of it.
We chose to raise our children in a loving environment that allowed them to be who they are as individuals. Our four children are completely different in many ways and each has their own path. Though they may choose to keep some aspects of their lives private, for the most part my children share almost everything with me. I have respected their opinions and decisions. I have made myself open and available to them. I am not saying that we made all of the right decisions in parenting or that raising our children has been harmonious. We have learned lessons and grown together as a family. Mistakes have been made which we own up to. Our children are all adults now. We learn from one another. They have fresh ways of looking at things that I haven't always considered. I enjoy my time with each of them and am proud of who they have become regardless of how society views them. It is true that two of my children are living with significant others who they are not married to. As consenting adults, this is their right. I have no power to stop them and no right to judge them. They are making their way in the world the best way that they know how and are learning valuable lessons about life daily. They don't need my opinions. They need my love, support and respect.
My family knows that I believe in God, in Jesus, in Angels, in Ghosts, in gender equality, in freedom to love on another regardless of age, race, sex or gender, in Gay rights, in the power of positive thinking and a long list of other things. They don't agree with all of my beliefs. They shake their head at a few. They love and respect me though. They let me be who I am just as I let them be themselves. I am not perfect, I am not always right, I do have a good heart and I do believe that love, respect and kindness are essential elements in all relationships. God loves me. He knows me better than anyone. What I do, what my family does and how we choose to live are all known and seen by God. He doesn't need anyone reporting to him. He has all of the facts. The facts He has are true and not skewed by those who view my life through their own filter~a filter laced with their opinions, beliefs and world views.
Though I am sure there are many verses in the Bible that some of you would like to throw at me that will prove I am a sinner bound for eternal damnation. This is one of my favorite verses. To me it tells us that there are things in this world that no one really knows or understands. We can have all of the opinions we want, but until we are face to face with God we will never have all of the answers:
Love
…11When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Love is how I choose to see God. Love is how I choose to view others. Love is the filter that I put over my personal lens. If you cannot accept who I am. If my Democratic, Gay Rights, Liberal views offend you, then please quietly hit the unfriend button. I don't need your barbed reasoning or your opinions on my life. I just need to be surrounded by those who like to lift people up, not drag them down. If you feel that judging others is your job, you may want to rethink your career choice, unless of course you are a judge. In that case, judge me only if I'm brought before you in your court.
I spent a lot of years playing the part of the chameleon, the ostrich and the golden retriever. I wanted to fit in, avoid conflict and be loved by everyone. Constantly working to gain the approval of others is both impossible and exhausting. There are so many more constructive things to do with my time. Conflict is something that I still try avoid when possible, but conflict helps us to learn and to grow. As long as we are living we should be learning and growing. Sitting back thinking we know it all, judging those who we believe don't know it all and thinking that a narrow mind is a good thing are harmful to ourselves and others.
If I were a political person I would most likely be a Democrat who leans more towards Liberal views than Conservative ones. I was given the gifts of empathy, a big heart, an open mind and a lot of love. These are wonderful gifts that can sometimes be painful because this world is full of self-centered people with closed hearts and minds who hoard their love and dole it out to only those who they deem worthy. I'm not wired that way. God does do the wiring. He created us as unique individuals and bestowed free will upon us. My free will and the freedom awarded to me by the country that I live in has made it okay for me to be who I am and not be ashamed of it.
We chose to raise our children in a loving environment that allowed them to be who they are as individuals. Our four children are completely different in many ways and each has their own path. Though they may choose to keep some aspects of their lives private, for the most part my children share almost everything with me. I have respected their opinions and decisions. I have made myself open and available to them. I am not saying that we made all of the right decisions in parenting or that raising our children has been harmonious. We have learned lessons and grown together as a family. Mistakes have been made which we own up to. Our children are all adults now. We learn from one another. They have fresh ways of looking at things that I haven't always considered. I enjoy my time with each of them and am proud of who they have become regardless of how society views them. It is true that two of my children are living with significant others who they are not married to. As consenting adults, this is their right. I have no power to stop them and no right to judge them. They are making their way in the world the best way that they know how and are learning valuable lessons about life daily. They don't need my opinions. They need my love, support and respect.
My family knows that I believe in God, in Jesus, in Angels, in Ghosts, in gender equality, in freedom to love on another regardless of age, race, sex or gender, in Gay rights, in the power of positive thinking and a long list of other things. They don't agree with all of my beliefs. They shake their head at a few. They love and respect me though. They let me be who I am just as I let them be themselves. I am not perfect, I am not always right, I do have a good heart and I do believe that love, respect and kindness are essential elements in all relationships. God loves me. He knows me better than anyone. What I do, what my family does and how we choose to live are all known and seen by God. He doesn't need anyone reporting to him. He has all of the facts. The facts He has are true and not skewed by those who view my life through their own filter~a filter laced with their opinions, beliefs and world views.
Though I am sure there are many verses in the Bible that some of you would like to throw at me that will prove I am a sinner bound for eternal damnation. This is one of my favorite verses. To me it tells us that there are things in this world that no one really knows or understands. We can have all of the opinions we want, but until we are face to face with God we will never have all of the answers:
Love
…11When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Love is how I choose to see God. Love is how I choose to view others. Love is the filter that I put over my personal lens. If you cannot accept who I am. If my Democratic, Gay Rights, Liberal views offend you, then please quietly hit the unfriend button. I don't need your barbed reasoning or your opinions on my life. I just need to be surrounded by those who like to lift people up, not drag them down. If you feel that judging others is your job, you may want to rethink your career choice, unless of course you are a judge. In that case, judge me only if I'm brought before you in your court.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Sleep Hypopnea, Haunted Dolls and K
Yes, it has been awhile since I have unloaded my addled brain in a random rant about everything and nothing at all. Today I picked up the magical machine that will turn my sleepless nights into restful slumber that will miraculously give me more energy, clear my mind and help life to become much, much better. It seems that I have a case of Sleep Hypopnea with a minor dose of Sleep Apnea. This is probably why I am up several times per night. I was blaming it on my bladder and the overgrown puppy that I still haven't kicked out of the bed. He stretches his seventy plus pound, eight month old body between my husband and I effectively stealing the majority of the covers in the process. Sometimes his bladder wakes him up as well which means I get elected to take him downstairs to the backyard to do his business. The chiropractor advised me on Saturday that I should move him from the bed to the floor. I'm just not sure how to break that to him. He is so sweet and really, if he would just learn to sleep at the foot of the bed we could all sleep happily ever after. As is my usual way, I am digressing. Back to the Hypopnea. It seems this is becoming a more and more common condition world wide. It causes daytime sleepiness and obesity. Can I dare dream that I will lose my lifelong love of naps. Okay--maybe not lifelong. I'm sure I fought them when I was little. I started enjoying them in my teens. Could it mean that breathing at night would help me to become a little less chunky? What about my highly entertaining yet somewhat bizarre dreams? Are they a product of oxygen deprivation? Will I lose my ability to wake up each morning and say WTF? My dreams have become increasingly weirder in the past few months. I have blamed stress and an overly active imagination. The ghosts, body contortionist demons and abundance of fire on Saturday night did leave me mildly disturbed. Will my dreams become mundane when I am getting enough air at night? Time will tell.
If I would have read the article about the woman in Scotland with the Haunted Dolls before Saturday I would blame the article for my nightmares. I realize that my friends and family think that I have strange beliefs and ideas at times. I don't contradict them, strange is in the eye of the beholder. Yes, I can be weird. I will NEVER however spend thousands of dollars on Haunted Dolls. This woman trolls the Internet looking for dolls with spirits in them. It is believed that dolls came about as vessels to hold spirits. This woman communicates with the spirits in her dolls as do her children. They entertain the spirits and even have a babysitter for them if they are going to be away. I'm sorry--I would never babysit someones freaky dolls to make sure they didn't wreak havoc on their apartment while they were away. If the dolls are going to wreak havoc, I don'[t want to be anywhere near them when they do it. Dolls and clowns are two of the freakiest things I can think of. I know that I go ghost hunting but I would never invite a ghost to come live with my and become part of my family. I guess I should never say never. If I were to meet the right ghost, maybe we would settle down together~it is hard to say. Why would any ghost want to limit themselves to the body of a doll when they could be flying around free from constraints. Think of the places you could go. I wouldn't want to be in a stuffy apartment with a strange woman deciding what we should watch on the telly.
To those of you who text me. I am sorry if the letter "K" offends you. I usually try to text out complete words. I don't use things like LOL or other short cuts. I feel I am too old to use "u" instead of you. I will however type "K" instead of okay if I am busy or just being lazy. Last week one of Kyle's friends asked me if I was mad at him. He texted to say that he dropped in for a few minutes while we were gone. He let the dogs out and got a drink. He is like family so this was fine. I was in the car, as a passenger, and texted "K" because I get carsick texting in the car and wanted him to know that it was fine that he was there. The dogs were probably thrilled to see him. He is under the impression that "K", especially a big "K" means that you are mad or irritated at someone. I seldom get mad. When I am irritated, the majority of the time it is a personal issue. You may be irritating me but it is because I have a headache, I am tired or for whatever reason that probably has little to do with you and a lot to do with my mood. If I have texted "K" to any of you and you have thought I was mad--sorry. I will try to type okay from now on. If I do get lazy and type "k", I will use a small "k" so I'm not shouting.
I continue to be amazed at the world and the changes that have come about not only in my life time, but in the past few years. Technology is going way too fast for my aging brain. I never imagined signing documents online, sending my kids photos of something in the store to see if they would want it or asking my phone what "Hypopnea" means. My car talks to me, a microchip informed a doctor that I snored over 600 times one night, stopped breathing 4 times, had shallow breathing at least 23 times per hour and took in from 75%-93% oxygen through the night. Last week in the store the original Don McLean version of "American Pie" was playing. I told the clerk that I had the "45" when I was young and that you had to turn it over in the middle of the song since the song was so long. He smiled at me. When we left the store my friend reminded me that he probably had no idea what a "45" was. I have become my grandma. I speak of ancient things that my children and grandchildren will have no concept of. I used to sit up late listening to 62 KGW on the AM station waiting to hear my newest favorite song. If I was lucky I could hit record in time to not only catch the beginning of the song, but to miss the DJ talking over it. After capturing the music on my little device I would rewind and fast forward with a pen in hand trying to make out all of the lyrics. My kids have taught me that when I hear a new song I just have to hit an app on my phone that will be able to tell me who it is and what it is. Of course I can always Google the lyrics. Yes--I have digressed and gone all random on you. It is what I do. I also used to walk to school two miles in the snow up hill both ways!!
If I would have read the article about the woman in Scotland with the Haunted Dolls before Saturday I would blame the article for my nightmares. I realize that my friends and family think that I have strange beliefs and ideas at times. I don't contradict them, strange is in the eye of the beholder. Yes, I can be weird. I will NEVER however spend thousands of dollars on Haunted Dolls. This woman trolls the Internet looking for dolls with spirits in them. It is believed that dolls came about as vessels to hold spirits. This woman communicates with the spirits in her dolls as do her children. They entertain the spirits and even have a babysitter for them if they are going to be away. I'm sorry--I would never babysit someones freaky dolls to make sure they didn't wreak havoc on their apartment while they were away. If the dolls are going to wreak havoc, I don'[t want to be anywhere near them when they do it. Dolls and clowns are two of the freakiest things I can think of. I know that I go ghost hunting but I would never invite a ghost to come live with my and become part of my family. I guess I should never say never. If I were to meet the right ghost, maybe we would settle down together~it is hard to say. Why would any ghost want to limit themselves to the body of a doll when they could be flying around free from constraints. Think of the places you could go. I wouldn't want to be in a stuffy apartment with a strange woman deciding what we should watch on the telly.
To those of you who text me. I am sorry if the letter "K" offends you. I usually try to text out complete words. I don't use things like LOL or other short cuts. I feel I am too old to use "u" instead of you. I will however type "K" instead of okay if I am busy or just being lazy. Last week one of Kyle's friends asked me if I was mad at him. He texted to say that he dropped in for a few minutes while we were gone. He let the dogs out and got a drink. He is like family so this was fine. I was in the car, as a passenger, and texted "K" because I get carsick texting in the car and wanted him to know that it was fine that he was there. The dogs were probably thrilled to see him. He is under the impression that "K", especially a big "K" means that you are mad or irritated at someone. I seldom get mad. When I am irritated, the majority of the time it is a personal issue. You may be irritating me but it is because I have a headache, I am tired or for whatever reason that probably has little to do with you and a lot to do with my mood. If I have texted "K" to any of you and you have thought I was mad--sorry. I will try to type okay from now on. If I do get lazy and type "k", I will use a small "k" so I'm not shouting.
I continue to be amazed at the world and the changes that have come about not only in my life time, but in the past few years. Technology is going way too fast for my aging brain. I never imagined signing documents online, sending my kids photos of something in the store to see if they would want it or asking my phone what "Hypopnea" means. My car talks to me, a microchip informed a doctor that I snored over 600 times one night, stopped breathing 4 times, had shallow breathing at least 23 times per hour and took in from 75%-93% oxygen through the night. Last week in the store the original Don McLean version of "American Pie" was playing. I told the clerk that I had the "45" when I was young and that you had to turn it over in the middle of the song since the song was so long. He smiled at me. When we left the store my friend reminded me that he probably had no idea what a "45" was. I have become my grandma. I speak of ancient things that my children and grandchildren will have no concept of. I used to sit up late listening to 62 KGW on the AM station waiting to hear my newest favorite song. If I was lucky I could hit record in time to not only catch the beginning of the song, but to miss the DJ talking over it. After capturing the music on my little device I would rewind and fast forward with a pen in hand trying to make out all of the lyrics. My kids have taught me that when I hear a new song I just have to hit an app on my phone that will be able to tell me who it is and what it is. Of course I can always Google the lyrics. Yes--I have digressed and gone all random on you. It is what I do. I also used to walk to school two miles in the snow up hill both ways!!
Friday, February 6, 2015
Still Gullible
After sending out dire warnings to friends and family members about always being aware of current scams and to be careful on the Internet, I got sucked in for a few minutes this morning. I would rather just be embarrassed in private and not confess to the world about my gullibility, but that doesn't help anyone else who may fall victim. I think you all know how I feel about scam artists. They are the scum of the earth who swindle innocent people out of whatever they can get. They take advantage of people in bad situations who may not be thinking clearly. My situation is not terrible, but I have been worried. This morning I was offered a solution that was too good to be true. For an hour I thought of the possibilities and even found myself getting excited. Then reality hit with the second e-mail. It wasn't true--that is why it was so perfect.
From my last post you all know what we are going through with our house. My husband has been extremely stressed out lately wondering where we will end up. He worries about having enough room in a rental providing that we can find one that will allow our dogs. I have wanted to find a solution to relieve that stress. I have had friends that I know who have house sat for long periods of time due to differing circumstances; friends who have leased to own and other non-traditional situations. I am looking at all options right now. I happened upon an ad for a large home in Oregon City whose owner is doing mission work for the next five years. They claimed to need someone trustworthy to rent the house for a low rate and keep an eye on their 3 acres for them. I started thinking about how much money we could save in five years and how great it would be to be in a large house on acreage. The e-mail had a name, a phone number, the address of the house and other things that made it appear legit even though I was questioning it. I put in the application which did NOT ask for my bank information or social security number. I did give information that I wish I hadn't such as my employer and cell phone number. These things could be found by someone easily enough. Still, the thought of me handing them willingly to a lying piece of crap makes me nauseous. Sorry, I do have strong feelings about situations like this.
I received an excited reply from the supposed homeowner telling me that we sounded like the perfect renters and that all we needed to do was to send a thousand dollar deposit to them through Western Union. They advised me not to talk to the realtor whose name is on the sign out front because they didn't want them to know that they decided to handle the property on their own. The daydream bubble burst and I went from hopeful to pissed off and defeated in a matter of seconds. I wrote back telling them that I had checked into things and found that they were not who they purported to be and that I found them disgusting. I told them that Karma is real and that someday they would pay for taking advantage of people. I think I also put something in there about them choosing the wrong path in life and never being able to find happiness until they changed their ways. Yes--stupid, sappy and a little pissy--not well thought out. I blocked them, informed the rental site and now sit here confessing my complete clueless, delusional stupidity to all of you. I can see how those really lost could reach out for something so tempting. What we want to be real seldom is. I don't mean that in a pessimistic way it is just that reality is so different depending on the perspective. I believe I have stopped making sense. I need to take a deep breath. There is a plan for us. We will land on our feet and find the right place to live. All will be fine as long as I keep my head on straight and not fall victim to desperation. It is a little depressing to find that no matter how careful I try to be, I'm still gullible.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Surviving Bad Decisions.......
I have not written in a few months because my husband really doesn't want to talk about what is going on in our house. He and I are completely opposite in some respects. He doesn't talk much, I talk too much. He keeps things in, I let things out. He doesn't like to share information, I share everything. Sometimes I know that I drive him crazy. He doesn't fully understand the concept of my need to throw things out into the universe. I don't like keeping things in~I need to write them down for my own sanity. If it helps others, then all the better. If others decide to judge, then it is their problem not mine. I freely admit to bad decisions. In this particular case the bad decision was compounded when I trusted the wrong people to try to help me to correct it. Sometimes you have to go outside of your comfort zone to try to make things better.
Several years ago we took out a second mortgage. We were struggling and we came up with a plan with the credit union. It would have been great if my husband hadn't gotten hurt a year later. His back injury put him off of work for over six months. During that time we had to rob Peter to pay Paul to make sure that both mortgages were being paid. It was then that I realized that our house, though I loved it, was actually keeping us from really living. We couldn't afford to do anything because all of the money we had went into the mortgages. We couldn't afford to keep the house, but couldn't afford to leave the house. A catch-22 that has frustrated me to no end. I tried on a couple of different occasions to work with the credit union to improve the situation. They would come up with this plan or that. After a few different refinances, somehow the loan turned into a monster and grew larger than the first mortgage. We tried to put the two mortgages together but the credit union didn't think that was in our best interest. Of course then the market crashed which made everything worse. I have felt trapped here in this situation for several years--juggling bills, having weeks where we had to wait a few days to buy milk and then other weeks where all is great. I know that such is life, but I have come to a point where we need to let the house go and move on. I want to be able to take a road trip without it crippling us for months. I want to be able to enjoy life without waiting for the house of cards to crash.
In the fall, the credit union forced us to do another refinance, they claimed we had a balloon payment that was due. That was news to me, but then again, I have given them way too much trust in the past years at helping us to keep on track. I knew that it was time to get free of this burden. We have a friend who specializes in short sales. It isn't ideal, but it is a way to get out from under the house and start fresh. My husband is not happy with the fact that we are going this route. He feels it shows a failure in us and that it is an embarrassment. I know that thousands of people were in our boat with the crash. Many had to go into foreclosure. We have held on for a long time. I'm tired and want to let go of the sinking ship. Doing a short sale is not my idea of fun, but it gives me hope. Well-most of the time it gives me hope. There are nights though when I'm awake for hours thinking of all that can go wrong. In order to do a short sale you have to stop paying the mortgage. Our credit went from stellar two months ago to the toilet. Not paying your mortgage is the biggest red flag there is on credit reports and nothing tanks you faster. Now that we have terrible credit I am more worried than ever about being able to find a rental house that will fit our needs while we work hard for two years to build the credit back up. We have extra bills to pay right now which have me worried as well. Our son had surgery outside of our coverage right before Christmas and will have another in the spring. I have no clue what our bills for these surgeries will be and how we are going to pay for them. It may be a very hard couple of years. I like my job, but will 30 hours per week at a low wage be enough? Do I need to look for something more to help with my part of fixing this? In the fall we will have two in college while another is getting married in the coming months--I am trying not to hyperventilate. To add to the bad credit and big bills--there are my two babies who I adore. I will not give up our rescued pit bulls. I know that they will make renting even more of a challenge. I realize that I am supposed to breathe deep and trust that all of this will work out. I just over think things to death and there is always fear in the unknown. In a perfect world we would be able to find a house that we love that we could lease with the option to buy. We would find a perfect landlord who loves dogs and also understands that it isn't the breed that is the problem. I need to be going through stuff and downsizing. I haven't had the energy to do it. I am overwhelmed at the concept. I give myself pep talks several times a day and try to trust in my decision. It is hard to trust a decision when your partner in life is skeptical and puts the pressure on you for it all to work out. I keep promising him that it will. I need to stand by that promise. I know that for my own sanity I need a change. I hope that a few years from now I am able to look at this as a major growth period in my life where I learned all types of lessons. Growing hurts though and some lessons are hard.
We will survive. I have to let it go, stop over thinking it all and just let whatever is meant to be happen. Easier said than done. It is funny how I am able to give awesome advice to others, but have to force myself to listen to that inner voice that says "just chill".
Several years ago we took out a second mortgage. We were struggling and we came up with a plan with the credit union. It would have been great if my husband hadn't gotten hurt a year later. His back injury put him off of work for over six months. During that time we had to rob Peter to pay Paul to make sure that both mortgages were being paid. It was then that I realized that our house, though I loved it, was actually keeping us from really living. We couldn't afford to do anything because all of the money we had went into the mortgages. We couldn't afford to keep the house, but couldn't afford to leave the house. A catch-22 that has frustrated me to no end. I tried on a couple of different occasions to work with the credit union to improve the situation. They would come up with this plan or that. After a few different refinances, somehow the loan turned into a monster and grew larger than the first mortgage. We tried to put the two mortgages together but the credit union didn't think that was in our best interest. Of course then the market crashed which made everything worse. I have felt trapped here in this situation for several years--juggling bills, having weeks where we had to wait a few days to buy milk and then other weeks where all is great. I know that such is life, but I have come to a point where we need to let the house go and move on. I want to be able to take a road trip without it crippling us for months. I want to be able to enjoy life without waiting for the house of cards to crash.
In the fall, the credit union forced us to do another refinance, they claimed we had a balloon payment that was due. That was news to me, but then again, I have given them way too much trust in the past years at helping us to keep on track. I knew that it was time to get free of this burden. We have a friend who specializes in short sales. It isn't ideal, but it is a way to get out from under the house and start fresh. My husband is not happy with the fact that we are going this route. He feels it shows a failure in us and that it is an embarrassment. I know that thousands of people were in our boat with the crash. Many had to go into foreclosure. We have held on for a long time. I'm tired and want to let go of the sinking ship. Doing a short sale is not my idea of fun, but it gives me hope. Well-most of the time it gives me hope. There are nights though when I'm awake for hours thinking of all that can go wrong. In order to do a short sale you have to stop paying the mortgage. Our credit went from stellar two months ago to the toilet. Not paying your mortgage is the biggest red flag there is on credit reports and nothing tanks you faster. Now that we have terrible credit I am more worried than ever about being able to find a rental house that will fit our needs while we work hard for two years to build the credit back up. We have extra bills to pay right now which have me worried as well. Our son had surgery outside of our coverage right before Christmas and will have another in the spring. I have no clue what our bills for these surgeries will be and how we are going to pay for them. It may be a very hard couple of years. I like my job, but will 30 hours per week at a low wage be enough? Do I need to look for something more to help with my part of fixing this? In the fall we will have two in college while another is getting married in the coming months--I am trying not to hyperventilate. To add to the bad credit and big bills--there are my two babies who I adore. I will not give up our rescued pit bulls. I know that they will make renting even more of a challenge. I realize that I am supposed to breathe deep and trust that all of this will work out. I just over think things to death and there is always fear in the unknown. In a perfect world we would be able to find a house that we love that we could lease with the option to buy. We would find a perfect landlord who loves dogs and also understands that it isn't the breed that is the problem. I need to be going through stuff and downsizing. I haven't had the energy to do it. I am overwhelmed at the concept. I give myself pep talks several times a day and try to trust in my decision. It is hard to trust a decision when your partner in life is skeptical and puts the pressure on you for it all to work out. I keep promising him that it will. I need to stand by that promise. I know that for my own sanity I need a change. I hope that a few years from now I am able to look at this as a major growth period in my life where I learned all types of lessons. Growing hurts though and some lessons are hard.
We will survive. I have to let it go, stop over thinking it all and just let whatever is meant to be happen. Easier said than done. It is funny how I am able to give awesome advice to others, but have to force myself to listen to that inner voice that says "just chill".
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Dear Jordy.........
Dear Jordy,
Twenty three months ago you changed our lives. Most people don't realize that one action can change everything. In Chaos Theory it is called the Butterfly Effect. In your case it was a larger action, but an action all the same. In January of 2013 there was a soccer tournament in Beaverton. It should have been a very routine first tournament of the season. My son Kyle was set to start for the A team under a new coach. He was excited and I was nervous. I don't usually get nervous but that day I was. I stayed back in the truck to pray for both teams because I felt strongly that something was going to happen. You are a very aggressive player. This can be good at times, but frustration and aggression can be a dangerous combination. You were frustrated in the first half and I told those around me that if the ref didn't start controlling the game you were going to hurt someone. In the second half Kyle was playing very well. So well that the coach did not pull him as he planned. He was going to give him a rest but decided that a few more minutes wouldn't hurt since he was having such a great game. I only looked away for a minute. I greeted a friend. When I turned back a player was down on the field. I didn't see the hit when it happened. I saw it later on video. A late hit, a hard hit with no whistle from the ref. It took me a second to realize that it was my son down. Usually when he is hurt he doesn't like to have attention on him. He will get back up then signal the coach that he needs a sub. He didn't get up that day. He couldn't get up. He heard four distinct pops as he went down. He had to pretty much be carried to the truck. This is a nightmare for a soccer player. Especially one that worked hard year round because he wanted to be the best he could be. He didn't expect a big scholarship, but he had hoped for a small one to a small school so that he could continue playing the game he loves. Those dreams didn't die that day. On that day there was still hope.
The next time we played your team you went out of your way to make fun of him. You and your friends pretended to kick one another and held your knees saying "oh my ACL, my ACL". This is what has made me angry. The hit was part of soccer. It happens. Refs let games go, players get hurt--it happens every day. The cruelty and disrespect were what stayed with me. The thought that you could leave another player with deep scars that he will carry forever and not even apologize or wish him well in his recovery. Did you ever give any thought to your actions?
Luckily Kyle is an amazing person with a big heart and a genuine love for the game. He couldn't get back on the field but he did attend practices and games with his teams, cheered them on and gave support. He first hoped to be back on the field his Junior year. He was recovering well when a wrong move tore his graft. He was bummed and blamed himself. The next surgery was done to get him back for his senior year. It had to be done in two stages which meant two surgeries and twice as much pain. He did everything right, worked hard and believed there was still a chance to play. He did get to play three games. He could only play partial games because they wanted him to come back slowly. He looked good, he felt good--in the fourth game it tore again. He knew his senior year was not lost as well as any hope for a small scholarship. We took him to a new surgeon to find out why the grafts weren't taking. He was hit harder in the initial injury than anyone had guessed. The MCL was damaged which meant that any ACL that was attached would fail because it wasn't getting the support it needed. He went through three surgeries and lost two hamstrings before this diagnosis was made. Yesterday he went in for the fourth time. They could not do it all in one surgery which means a fifth surgery will happen in 2015. You have probably forgotten all about that fast kid that you took out in 2013, but he hasn't forgotten you. He has pretty much forgiven you because he has a big heart. He just wishes that you would have told him you were sorry. Now his ordeal will continue. It will be almost two and half years from the injury when he goes in for his final surgery. It will take another two years to heal. The next surgery is more invasive than any of the prior surgeries and much more painful.
He has changed direction. He will study physical therapy and sports medicine. He will help players with sports injuries. Maybe he will be able to get many of them back on the field where he wants to be. He will coach someday as well and will be an excellent coach. He will not only teach the game but teach sportsmanship and compassion also. Soccer isn't just about winning and losing. It is a game that is supposed to teach you life skills. You may not have had the right coach for those qualities. For that I am sorry. Kyle has had awesome coaches who were great role models.
Today I am going to let go completely of anything that I have held onto. Any animosity that I have felt towards you, the ref, your coach and the powers that be that came together that day. His coach needs to let go of his guilt for not pulling him out sooner. I need to let go of my guilt for not knowing that my sense of dread was aimed directly at my son. What could we have done differently? The outcome is what it is. We have learned and we have grown. I pray that you will learn and grow as well. I hope that as you graduate this year and go out into the world that you will learn other ways to vent your anger and frustrations. I pray that you will learn to be caring and compassionate. I want good things for you in the future just as I want good things for everyone. Your actions broke my heart but I underestimated my son's strength and determination. He is a fighter and will make it through all of this a stronger person with his own scars to show future patients~he's been there, he can relate. He lost a dream, but realized that there are other dreams. Life isn't always fair, but there are always new possibilities.
Twenty three months ago you changed our lives. Most people don't realize that one action can change everything. In Chaos Theory it is called the Butterfly Effect. In your case it was a larger action, but an action all the same. In January of 2013 there was a soccer tournament in Beaverton. It should have been a very routine first tournament of the season. My son Kyle was set to start for the A team under a new coach. He was excited and I was nervous. I don't usually get nervous but that day I was. I stayed back in the truck to pray for both teams because I felt strongly that something was going to happen. You are a very aggressive player. This can be good at times, but frustration and aggression can be a dangerous combination. You were frustrated in the first half and I told those around me that if the ref didn't start controlling the game you were going to hurt someone. In the second half Kyle was playing very well. So well that the coach did not pull him as he planned. He was going to give him a rest but decided that a few more minutes wouldn't hurt since he was having such a great game. I only looked away for a minute. I greeted a friend. When I turned back a player was down on the field. I didn't see the hit when it happened. I saw it later on video. A late hit, a hard hit with no whistle from the ref. It took me a second to realize that it was my son down. Usually when he is hurt he doesn't like to have attention on him. He will get back up then signal the coach that he needs a sub. He didn't get up that day. He couldn't get up. He heard four distinct pops as he went down. He had to pretty much be carried to the truck. This is a nightmare for a soccer player. Especially one that worked hard year round because he wanted to be the best he could be. He didn't expect a big scholarship, but he had hoped for a small one to a small school so that he could continue playing the game he loves. Those dreams didn't die that day. On that day there was still hope.
The next time we played your team you went out of your way to make fun of him. You and your friends pretended to kick one another and held your knees saying "oh my ACL, my ACL". This is what has made me angry. The hit was part of soccer. It happens. Refs let games go, players get hurt--it happens every day. The cruelty and disrespect were what stayed with me. The thought that you could leave another player with deep scars that he will carry forever and not even apologize or wish him well in his recovery. Did you ever give any thought to your actions?
Luckily Kyle is an amazing person with a big heart and a genuine love for the game. He couldn't get back on the field but he did attend practices and games with his teams, cheered them on and gave support. He first hoped to be back on the field his Junior year. He was recovering well when a wrong move tore his graft. He was bummed and blamed himself. The next surgery was done to get him back for his senior year. It had to be done in two stages which meant two surgeries and twice as much pain. He did everything right, worked hard and believed there was still a chance to play. He did get to play three games. He could only play partial games because they wanted him to come back slowly. He looked good, he felt good--in the fourth game it tore again. He knew his senior year was not lost as well as any hope for a small scholarship. We took him to a new surgeon to find out why the grafts weren't taking. He was hit harder in the initial injury than anyone had guessed. The MCL was damaged which meant that any ACL that was attached would fail because it wasn't getting the support it needed. He went through three surgeries and lost two hamstrings before this diagnosis was made. Yesterday he went in for the fourth time. They could not do it all in one surgery which means a fifth surgery will happen in 2015. You have probably forgotten all about that fast kid that you took out in 2013, but he hasn't forgotten you. He has pretty much forgiven you because he has a big heart. He just wishes that you would have told him you were sorry. Now his ordeal will continue. It will be almost two and half years from the injury when he goes in for his final surgery. It will take another two years to heal. The next surgery is more invasive than any of the prior surgeries and much more painful.
He has changed direction. He will study physical therapy and sports medicine. He will help players with sports injuries. Maybe he will be able to get many of them back on the field where he wants to be. He will coach someday as well and will be an excellent coach. He will not only teach the game but teach sportsmanship and compassion also. Soccer isn't just about winning and losing. It is a game that is supposed to teach you life skills. You may not have had the right coach for those qualities. For that I am sorry. Kyle has had awesome coaches who were great role models.
Today I am going to let go completely of anything that I have held onto. Any animosity that I have felt towards you, the ref, your coach and the powers that be that came together that day. His coach needs to let go of his guilt for not pulling him out sooner. I need to let go of my guilt for not knowing that my sense of dread was aimed directly at my son. What could we have done differently? The outcome is what it is. We have learned and we have grown. I pray that you will learn and grow as well. I hope that as you graduate this year and go out into the world that you will learn other ways to vent your anger and frustrations. I pray that you will learn to be caring and compassionate. I want good things for you in the future just as I want good things for everyone. Your actions broke my heart but I underestimated my son's strength and determination. He is a fighter and will make it through all of this a stronger person with his own scars to show future patients~he's been there, he can relate. He lost a dream, but realized that there are other dreams. Life isn't always fair, but there are always new possibilities.
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