Thursday, July 16, 2015
Sea Glass
Many of us become collectors of sorts in life. I collect sea glass. It is a very small collection that I keep in an antique bottle in my bathroom window. I could spend hours on rocky beaches looking for these tiny treasures that were once garbage. Sea glass is broken glass that has been tossed and turned by the ocean until the sharp edges are smoothed out. The small stone looking piece of glass left behind is soft and reflects the light. There is no value in sea glass~just beauty. I relate to sea glass because I love metaphors. I have been cracked and broken a few times~most of us have. Those of us who stay broken have sharp edges. Since we've been discarded by old loves, friends, family, etc.... it is easy for us to feel like useless trash. We aren't trash. Each one of us has the ability to become a treasure. By believing in ourselves and not letting the perspective of others define us we are capable of so much more than we realize. I have let time and the ebb and flow of life smooth my edges. I try hard to reflect light so that others can see that even old, broken garbage can add beauty to the world. Open your heart and your mind to the possibilities~shine bright.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
The Soccer Mom, Love Your Neighbor, Liberal Agenda......
I can't think of anyone out there who would describe me as having an agenda. I have gone to great lengths to avoid conflict and drama of any kind. A few years ago I realized that I was a cross between a golden retriever and a chameleon. I put a lot of energy into blending in and trying to please everyone. I found that I was mentally, physically and spiritually tired. I also felt that I was hitting that dreaded mid-life crisis that I thought was a myth. I have spent the past twenty-five years being the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, etc. that I can be but couldn't answer the simple question of who are you really? Who am I? You would think that would be easy enough to answer. I have been me for my entire life so I should know me better than anyone. I went on a quest to figure out who I am, what I like and what I really want for the third quarter of my life.
This quest has been a bit draining to say the least. I have had some ups and downs and really feel that I have gotten myself stuck. Lately I have not liked myself very much because I have some things figured out in my head but can't seem to get the rest of me to follow along. I'm stubborn. The biggest obstacle in my life right now is me. I have even made a list of things about myself that annoy me and need to be changed. What does any of this have to do with anything? Good question. As usual this may just be a random rant to clear my overwhelmed brain.
Those of you who know me may know that I have three different pages on Facebook. I am one of those people who actually see the good in social media. I know the bad but choose to use it regardless because written communication is a passion of mine and Facebook allows me to write, share thoughts and ideas, connect people and to try to spread love and kindness. Besides my personal page I have my blog page which is "Lana Luke" and then an alumni page that I started several years ago to help with finding people for our class reunions. The alumni page was never meant to be more than a tool to stay connected with my classmates. Facebook would not allow me to put the numbers 84 in the title because it is supposed to belong to a person and CHS Bruins 84 is not a name. The page has grown and is now a place where alumni of all ages can connect and share information. I hadn't really given a whole lot of thoughts to the ramifications of what I post. There were weeks and sometimes months when I didn't even check in. Last week I was happy for some of my friends who are going to finally be able to get married. I changed my profile picture to depict the rainbow colors on both of my pages. There was backlash on the alumni page. You can imagine my surprise when a couple of people complained. They thought that making a personal statement on a public page was not PC. I realized that there were people on the page that had no idea what the page was even for or who ran it. I tried to change the name of the page to make it look less official. I wanted to add my name or even the word unofficial. Facebook wouldn't let me. I then did something that I never dreamed I would do. After being accused of supporting a liberal agenda and censoring posts on a public page I let out a little temper tantrum rant. I will share the rant with you so that you will see that it wasn't anything too bad~just not my usual flying under the radar behavior:
This quest has been a bit draining to say the least. I have had some ups and downs and really feel that I have gotten myself stuck. Lately I have not liked myself very much because I have some things figured out in my head but can't seem to get the rest of me to follow along. I'm stubborn. The biggest obstacle in my life right now is me. I have even made a list of things about myself that annoy me and need to be changed. What does any of this have to do with anything? Good question. As usual this may just be a random rant to clear my overwhelmed brain.
Those of you who know me may know that I have three different pages on Facebook. I am one of those people who actually see the good in social media. I know the bad but choose to use it regardless because written communication is a passion of mine and Facebook allows me to write, share thoughts and ideas, connect people and to try to spread love and kindness. Besides my personal page I have my blog page which is "Lana Luke" and then an alumni page that I started several years ago to help with finding people for our class reunions. The alumni page was never meant to be more than a tool to stay connected with my classmates. Facebook would not allow me to put the numbers 84 in the title because it is supposed to belong to a person and CHS Bruins 84 is not a name. The page has grown and is now a place where alumni of all ages can connect and share information. I hadn't really given a whole lot of thoughts to the ramifications of what I post. There were weeks and sometimes months when I didn't even check in. Last week I was happy for some of my friends who are going to finally be able to get married. I changed my profile picture to depict the rainbow colors on both of my pages. There was backlash on the alumni page. You can imagine my surprise when a couple of people complained. They thought that making a personal statement on a public page was not PC. I realized that there were people on the page that had no idea what the page was even for or who ran it. I tried to change the name of the page to make it look less official. I wanted to add my name or even the word unofficial. Facebook wouldn't let me. I then did something that I never dreamed I would do. After being accused of supporting a liberal agenda and censoring posts on a public page I let out a little temper tantrum rant. I will share the rant with you so that you will see that it wasn't anything too bad~just not my usual flying under the radar behavior:
I started this FB page for the class of 1984. I was looking for a way for us to be able to keep in touch and to get news out to one another regarding reunions, news about achievements and losses. We are a close knit group and have stayed so over the years. Others became friends with the page, so I though what the heck--if others want to be on here and connect as well so be it. I don't have the time, the desire or the energy to be attacked for anything I do or don't do on this page. It is pretty ridiculous. Aren't there better things for people to be doing? I am at a point in my life where I have worked through a lot of anxiety, depression and all of that crap that people go through every day in order to find that what others think really doesn't matter at the end of the day. I spent years tiptoeing around trying not to offend everyone. Guess what--just being who you are ALWAYS offends someone no matter how hard you try.
When you say Christian that brings a lot of different emotions out in people. Everyone has their own perception of what a Christian is. My relationship with God is exactly that--MY Relationship. He knows my heart, He knows my thoughts and He knows my intentions. I don't need to be attacked by rants claiming I am part of an agenda. Yes--I let it get under my skin. I believe some people like to get under the skin of others just to stir the pot for their own sick and twisted amusement.
This page is LANA STEPHENSON LUKE'S page that is NOT directly affiliated with Columbia High School. It is a place where if you choose, you can come, see pictures of people from your past, find old friends, ask questions that I try to find answers to and get information out about reunions, jobs, funerals, etc. It is NOT a place to attack anyone else, including me; to rant against White Salmon, CHS, Teachers, Alumni, Other people's views, ETC. I am happy to have any and all that have a problem with that hit the DEFRIEND button and start their own page somewhere else.
Though Facebook is Social Media and is Public--this page was built by me, it is maintained by me and I would go ahead and delete it all today if it weren't for the many positives that have come from it. This page has brought lost family members together, given some vital information to those who have asked and has shared good information. If you are looking for it to be something else, then look somewhere else.
It is never my intention to offend people, I hate drama (this whole thing is way too much drama for me), I avoid conflict because I am not wired for it and I really dislike politics. I believe everyone has the right to be who they are, love who they like and to answer to God in the end. I am human-I make mistakes, I am mostly clueless on a lot of things--what I do know is that I hate bullies and ranting against me when you don't know me and making me cry makes you a bully.
Needless to say, this rant generated a lot of comments which have been very positive and kind. I feel bad though because I wasn't looking for attention--I just didn't like being accused of having an agenda and couldn't understand why this stranger was attacking me. He doesn't know me but he was making generalizations about who I was and what I believe. Dude--I don't even know what I believe half of the time so how can you profess to know? I did the exact thing that I didn't want to do-I created drama.
One thing that I have learned about myself is that I am okay with the way that I am wired. I can always wish that I was thinner, smarter, prettier and all of that, but I am who I am. I am quirky, too talkative at times, too sullen at times, happy, depressed, dark, light, too curious, very empathetic and thanks to this guy I guess I can say that I'm liberal. He used the word like it was an evil four letter word that I should be ashamed of. I had to Google it (remember the wish I was smarter remark). I knew what liberal meant, but I wasn't sure why he was using it as a curse so thought I better check in case there were other meanings.
lib·er·al
ˈlib(ə)rəl/
adjective
- 1.open to new behavior or opinions and willing to discard traditional values."they have more liberal views toward marriage and divorce than some people"
- 2.(of education) concerned mainly with broadening a person's general knowledge and experience, rather than with technical or professional training
I see nothing wrong with being liberal. I like to think outside the box. It doesn't mean that I don't appreciate traditional views and that I am not traditional in some aspects of my life. I am open-minded. Do I think all of you need to be open-minded? It would be nice, but maybe you aren't wired that way. I don't hold your views against you, I just might not always agree. We can't all agree all of the time--that would be weird. The beauty of being wired differently is that we learn and grow by being aware of differences and learning to respect those differences. I am probably somewhat if not mostly liberal but the only agenda I have is to better myself as a person. To me things aren't all black and white. There are so many shades of gray in this world. You can argue and say there aren't which is fine--maybe to you my grays don't exist. Perception is different in every individual.
What I know about myself: I need to lose weight, I have a big heart, I am an empath, I am a Christian but have trouble with organized religion because I feel that many of them are too busy micromanaging people and miss the bigger message, I dislike politics and seldom vote, I love to read, I enjoy writing but seldom give myself the time to do it, I love making people laugh and smile, I believe that kindness can change the world, I hate scary movies, I cry when I watch the news, I worry about my kids more than I need to, I genuinely love people and want everyone to be happy, I hate injustice, I hate seeing people treat any living thing cruelly, I love animals, I like chocolate way too much, I need to appreciate my husband more, I can be extremely lazy when it comes to domestic issues, I get overwhelmed often and need to have more faith in my capabilities. Okay--there is more, but I think I've used up enough space on that.
Life is short. We all answer to God in the end. It is time for people to stop reacting to things without trying to see both sides. I worry about the state of our country too, but not for the same reasons as everyone else. I worry about the children who are starving, the growing gap between the rich and the poor, gang violence, the fact that we pay entertainers way more than we pay teachers, the amount of influence the media has on public opinion, our health and the environment. People spend way to much time pointing fingers, laying blame and saying that we are all going to Hell because the people who have always smoked pot can now smoke it legally and my gay and lesbian friends can now get married. Isn't their marriage something that they can take up with God when they meet him? You personally are not going to Hell because of things that other people do and worrying about it isn't a productive use of your time. Crap--I just said too much and had thoughts that don't blend in with everyone around me. Maybe there is hope for me--maybe I can own a belief and not be ashamed of it. Oh great--now I sound like I have an agenda. Disregard all of this and just hug your family, love one another, be kind and be happy. There are things more evil in this world than liberals and worse things that I could be called.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Trudging up the path.......
I have been neglectful of my blog for awhile now. I am working hard to let go of the negatives in my life and concentrate on the power of positive thinking. There are times when no matter how hard we try, we can't seem to find our way. I have been seemingly stuck for awhile now. I haven't wanted to rehash my ongoing battles and bore everyone. I suppose that writing about struggles does help those who are also struggling. Some issues take a little longer to overcome than others. In this society of instant gratification, what may seem like a drawn out struggle may simply be a season of slow change. I need to rewire my thinking in order to see the positives of my daily battles which are mainly waged against myself.
It is said that patience is a virtue~I believe that flexibility is as well. It is so easy to envision the perfect path for yourself; but not so easy when you keep slipping off the trail and falling on your butt. Our vision of that perfect path and reality are sometimes two very different things. Though I believe in free will, I also believe in fate. There are greater things on the horizon than we can imagine for ourselves. What is best for me is most likely something that I haven't even conceived yet. I believe I'm stuck--maybe I'm not. Being stuck may just be my perception of life right now~I may actually be right where I'm supposed to be. I have lessons to learn and people whose lives I'm impacting where I'm at. My impatience to move forward may be hindering me from the important stuff I'm supposed to be doing in the here and now. I have myself overwhelmed and frustrated over my inability to move in the direction that I feel is right~ "I" being the key word. "I" need to trust a higher power for what is right for me. I keep imploring the powers that be to make sure that when change is finally going to happen they give me the most obvious sign possible so I don't miss it. I feel that I have misinterpreted signs already and in doing so have put myself in a worse situation than I was already in. In reality is was probably to teach me a lesson. This is a year full of transition for me and my family so I shouldn't be completely surprised that I'm struggling to maintain control as I let go of things that no longer work in my life and move towards another chapter.
Not too long ago I wrote a blog about our struggles with the mortgage and our decision to do a "short sale". I felt that this was the path we were supposed to take. I worked with a trusted friend who specializes in short sales. She advised me to stop paying the first mortgage so that it would push along the process. I know many of you who haven't been in this situation before are probably cringing and wondering how I could have followed this advice. My friends who have done short sales have gone through this process and it worked for them. For us, things changed that made me question whether I'm capable of making wise decisions at all. After five months of not making our mortgage payment we were struggling with finding a place that we could move to when the time came. My husband was fighting with the idea of renting for two years and the places that we could conceivably rent were not available to us because of our dogs. I began to panic. I was trying to have faith that all would work out, but it is hard to have faith when you have a husband who refuses to budge on certain details and you can't find anyone in the mortgage industry or housing market who thinks outside of the box. Our second mortgage holder came forward and advised us that we could go ahead and sell the house in the conventional manner because they would work with us so that we wouldn't have to report it as a short sale. This would have been great news to have BEFORE I stopped paying mortgage for five months. Now I have decent credit but no one who will talk to me about mortgages because we now have late payments on our mortgage and no one wants to touch anyone with current late payments. I need to wait a year and then reapply. Waiting a year means twelve more months of high double mortgage payments. We have managed the giant payments this long--we can manage another twelve months--I just don't want to. I want to move now. I had the five months worth of mortgage payments sitting in a bank account so when we decided to stop the short sale process I was able to get the first mortgage company current right away. The damage has been done though. We are now just a bunch of numbers on paper that come up short of achieving my goal. I need to appreciate the home I have, keep caring for it and quit kicking myself for the choices I made last fall.
Our house isn't the only aspect of my life that makes me feel "stuck". The other is my job. I work with some great people, have a steady paycheck and my commute isn't bad. I really am grateful that I have a job. Flexibility is something I have always tried to incorporate into all aspects of my life. I once said that I could never work a 9-5 job Monday-Friday because it would make me crazy. Guess what? I have worked "bankers" hours for a year and a half now and it has some perks, but for the most part I'm miserable. I miss the flexibility of working as a contract worker but like the steady paycheck. I have spent countless hours trying to come up with the perfect idea for a job. I have half formed ideas and a few pipe dreams. I can almost piece together my unique skill set to turn into something marketable. I am creative but not business savvy. I tend to think big when I might be able to start with a small idea and build on it. I am great at networking, event planning, program coordinating, volunteer coordinating, brainstorming, organizing and communication. I want to find a way to actually make a small living doing these things. I don't have to be rich--I just have to be able to help pay the bills and contribute to making the ends meet each month. I know that somewhere out there my skills would be an awesome fit doing something--it is finding that elusive something, someone or somewhere that holds me back. It is hard to make big changes anytime in your life, but when you are staring down 50, have a boatload of bills and are struggling with self esteem issues it makes it just a tad bit harder. I realize that I am my biggest obstacle. Even though I fancy myself a writer of sorts, I need a major spin doctor to create a resume' for me that would even get me in the running for a job that I would want. Maybe that spin doctor could also make me see that life is actually pretty good right now. I may or not be stuck, but I'm healthy and surrounded by friends and family who believe in me even when I am not believing in myself. I really need to get out of my own way, wipe the dirt off my butt and keep trudging up the path so I can see where it leads.
It is said that patience is a virtue~I believe that flexibility is as well. It is so easy to envision the perfect path for yourself; but not so easy when you keep slipping off the trail and falling on your butt. Our vision of that perfect path and reality are sometimes two very different things. Though I believe in free will, I also believe in fate. There are greater things on the horizon than we can imagine for ourselves. What is best for me is most likely something that I haven't even conceived yet. I believe I'm stuck--maybe I'm not. Being stuck may just be my perception of life right now~I may actually be right where I'm supposed to be. I have lessons to learn and people whose lives I'm impacting where I'm at. My impatience to move forward may be hindering me from the important stuff I'm supposed to be doing in the here and now. I have myself overwhelmed and frustrated over my inability to move in the direction that I feel is right~ "I" being the key word. "I" need to trust a higher power for what is right for me. I keep imploring the powers that be to make sure that when change is finally going to happen they give me the most obvious sign possible so I don't miss it. I feel that I have misinterpreted signs already and in doing so have put myself in a worse situation than I was already in. In reality is was probably to teach me a lesson. This is a year full of transition for me and my family so I shouldn't be completely surprised that I'm struggling to maintain control as I let go of things that no longer work in my life and move towards another chapter.
Not too long ago I wrote a blog about our struggles with the mortgage and our decision to do a "short sale". I felt that this was the path we were supposed to take. I worked with a trusted friend who specializes in short sales. She advised me to stop paying the first mortgage so that it would push along the process. I know many of you who haven't been in this situation before are probably cringing and wondering how I could have followed this advice. My friends who have done short sales have gone through this process and it worked for them. For us, things changed that made me question whether I'm capable of making wise decisions at all. After five months of not making our mortgage payment we were struggling with finding a place that we could move to when the time came. My husband was fighting with the idea of renting for two years and the places that we could conceivably rent were not available to us because of our dogs. I began to panic. I was trying to have faith that all would work out, but it is hard to have faith when you have a husband who refuses to budge on certain details and you can't find anyone in the mortgage industry or housing market who thinks outside of the box. Our second mortgage holder came forward and advised us that we could go ahead and sell the house in the conventional manner because they would work with us so that we wouldn't have to report it as a short sale. This would have been great news to have BEFORE I stopped paying mortgage for five months. Now I have decent credit but no one who will talk to me about mortgages because we now have late payments on our mortgage and no one wants to touch anyone with current late payments. I need to wait a year and then reapply. Waiting a year means twelve more months of high double mortgage payments. We have managed the giant payments this long--we can manage another twelve months--I just don't want to. I want to move now. I had the five months worth of mortgage payments sitting in a bank account so when we decided to stop the short sale process I was able to get the first mortgage company current right away. The damage has been done though. We are now just a bunch of numbers on paper that come up short of achieving my goal. I need to appreciate the home I have, keep caring for it and quit kicking myself for the choices I made last fall.
Our house isn't the only aspect of my life that makes me feel "stuck". The other is my job. I work with some great people, have a steady paycheck and my commute isn't bad. I really am grateful that I have a job. Flexibility is something I have always tried to incorporate into all aspects of my life. I once said that I could never work a 9-5 job Monday-Friday because it would make me crazy. Guess what? I have worked "bankers" hours for a year and a half now and it has some perks, but for the most part I'm miserable. I miss the flexibility of working as a contract worker but like the steady paycheck. I have spent countless hours trying to come up with the perfect idea for a job. I have half formed ideas and a few pipe dreams. I can almost piece together my unique skill set to turn into something marketable. I am creative but not business savvy. I tend to think big when I might be able to start with a small idea and build on it. I am great at networking, event planning, program coordinating, volunteer coordinating, brainstorming, organizing and communication. I want to find a way to actually make a small living doing these things. I don't have to be rich--I just have to be able to help pay the bills and contribute to making the ends meet each month. I know that somewhere out there my skills would be an awesome fit doing something--it is finding that elusive something, someone or somewhere that holds me back. It is hard to make big changes anytime in your life, but when you are staring down 50, have a boatload of bills and are struggling with self esteem issues it makes it just a tad bit harder. I realize that I am my biggest obstacle. Even though I fancy myself a writer of sorts, I need a major spin doctor to create a resume' for me that would even get me in the running for a job that I would want. Maybe that spin doctor could also make me see that life is actually pretty good right now. I may or not be stuck, but I'm healthy and surrounded by friends and family who believe in me even when I am not believing in myself. I really need to get out of my own way, wipe the dirt off my butt and keep trudging up the path so I can see where it leads.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Addiction or Pastime? Friend or Acquaintance?
Social media and being connected have changed the way of life in America. The way we communicate, shop and entertain ourselves are only a few of the things that have changed. Games like Angry Birds, Farmville, Candy Crush and Words with Friends are just a few of the addicting games that we find ourselves mindlessly drawn to. I did spend a lot of time on Farmville for awhile. I had this gorgeous plantation that was eating up way too much of my time. That was about four years ago. One day I decided that it was all completely silly and deleted it. I quit cold turkey and never looked back. I didn't have to look back. I discovered Words With Friends and decided that it was less time consuming because I didn't have to come back and water crops by a certain time which was making me crazy. I actually had friends sign onto my account and water my crops at one point--that was before I quit. Anyway, back to WWF. Not World Wrestling Federation--Words With Friends. I started playing it in 2012 and it seemed the perfect game for me. It is pretty much Scrabble against your friends. The app shows you which of your FB friends are playing and you challenge them. Over the years I have played several friends, classmates and relatives. Some kick my ass and with others I do the ass kicking. I personally like the close games. It is part chance and part luck because you can't know what letters you are going to get. There are those who use "cheater" apps to help them find words. I don't begrudge them, I just don't play that way myself. I rely on my own limited vocabulary and luck. Unlike Scrabble where you have a physical board and people sitting there waiting for you--with WWF you have all the time in the world to come up with a word and can throw your letters up in all types of odd formations to try to get something that the rules say is a word. I have tried to invent many words that I think look great but the computer doesn't recognize. It is a somewhat brainless activity that helps me to pastime. One of the people that I found to play against was my first grade boyfriend who broke my heart when he moved away after the third grade. He lived down the street and I loved riding bikes and climbing trees with him. He did visit me once our senior year when he was in town. I had just had a bad break up with a boyfriend and I was a blubbering mess so I don't really remember the visit. I'm sure I didn't impress him much because I didn't hear from him again until I found him on FB and sent out a friend request. He became my favorite person to play WWF with. I had probably 15 games going at once with him. He beat me most of the time, but lately I was winning more. I played against him for 2 1/2 years. That is a long time to consistently play a game. I knew that someday one of us would tire of it. During our games we seldom talked or sent messages. In all of the time I played against him I knew he was a sound engineer, a musician, he moved from Arizona to Nashville and when my dad was diagnosed he told me his mom also was fighting cancer. We probably had less than ten real conversations and didn't really communicate much outside of the game. I honestly don't know if he is married, has ever been married, has kids, has pets, has other hobbies--it didn't really matter. He was someone I played a game against. He got me through four of Kyle's surgeries, my dad's illness and other times when I needed a distraction and my phone was handy. I played in the morning when I first woke up, sometimes during the day if there was time, then again during the evening before bed. I didn't see it as an addiction, though maybe it was. I looked forward to playing and made time for it. It took away from my reading and my writing so it wasn't 100% healthy. I was trying to cut back though and was playing about once a day in April when he suddenly disappeared. Over the course of the 2.5 years we played there were times when he didn't play for a day or two. I never worried. We all have lives and sometimes things take priority over a game you play on your phone. I know on my end that I kind of thought of him as a friend. I know friends usually actually communicate, but he was always there playing on the other end so that in itself was enough.
In April there were three days in a row that he didn't play. In the past this wouldn't have worried me. For some reason, this time around I knew he was gone. He wasn't going to be coming back. The games sit there for twelve days before they will automatically end themselves due to lack of activity. When the twelve days were up I did challenge him to another game just in case. I put a little message on the game asking if all was okay. I had many different thoughts going through my head. The most likely is that he realized that the game was an addiction and freed himself up to do other things. I wish he would have said good-bye, but why would he? I'm a person he plays WWF with, I'm not really a friend. He doesn't even know me. I may have told him about my father. I may have told him about Kyle's surgeries~but that was just in passing while trying to rack up points on a triple word tile. Though I am sure he is fine, what if he isn't? What if he got into a horrific accident, lost his mother, got arrested, was kidnapped by pirates or space aliens or is in a coma. I'm trying to be funny, but what if........ There is also the chance that he found success with his band, got busy with family, fell in or out of love....the possibilities are endless. I am of course curious. I'm also paranoid--what if he read on my FB that I am 250 pounds and doesn't want to associate with a chunky soccer mom from Oregon? What if he found out I am not really political, lean towards spirituality and believe in same sex marriage. That is my own insecurity talking. Who cares what I weigh or what I believe in--it is a game we are playing. Friends come in all shapes, sizes, colors, personality types, sexual orientations, religions, etc. I'm sure that I am completely off base. His absence is one of those mysteries I may never solve. It just makes me sad for some reason. I will miss him next week when Kyle goes in for surgery number five. I do have other friends who will play with me and get me through. Those friends are only playing 1-2 games apiece with me.
When I tried explaining my strange sadness of the situation to a friend she said she got it. That I had formed an attachment through our shared game addiction. She said in my mind he is a friend, not merely an acquaintance. She didn't think it would be weird at all for me to try to message him on FB to see if everything is okay. I have a way of over thinking everything. She knows this about me. If I find the right words maybe I will message him. I really should so that I don't come up with a thousand different fictional reasons why he disappeared. In the meantime, I have cut back on my own playing time. I've read more books this month and I'm spending my morning before work blogging instead of playing on my phone.
In April there were three days in a row that he didn't play. In the past this wouldn't have worried me. For some reason, this time around I knew he was gone. He wasn't going to be coming back. The games sit there for twelve days before they will automatically end themselves due to lack of activity. When the twelve days were up I did challenge him to another game just in case. I put a little message on the game asking if all was okay. I had many different thoughts going through my head. The most likely is that he realized that the game was an addiction and freed himself up to do other things. I wish he would have said good-bye, but why would he? I'm a person he plays WWF with, I'm not really a friend. He doesn't even know me. I may have told him about my father. I may have told him about Kyle's surgeries~but that was just in passing while trying to rack up points on a triple word tile. Though I am sure he is fine, what if he isn't? What if he got into a horrific accident, lost his mother, got arrested, was kidnapped by pirates or space aliens or is in a coma. I'm trying to be funny, but what if........ There is also the chance that he found success with his band, got busy with family, fell in or out of love....the possibilities are endless. I am of course curious. I'm also paranoid--what if he read on my FB that I am 250 pounds and doesn't want to associate with a chunky soccer mom from Oregon? What if he found out I am not really political, lean towards spirituality and believe in same sex marriage. That is my own insecurity talking. Who cares what I weigh or what I believe in--it is a game we are playing. Friends come in all shapes, sizes, colors, personality types, sexual orientations, religions, etc. I'm sure that I am completely off base. His absence is one of those mysteries I may never solve. It just makes me sad for some reason. I will miss him next week when Kyle goes in for surgery number five. I do have other friends who will play with me and get me through. Those friends are only playing 1-2 games apiece with me.
When I tried explaining my strange sadness of the situation to a friend she said she got it. That I had formed an attachment through our shared game addiction. She said in my mind he is a friend, not merely an acquaintance. She didn't think it would be weird at all for me to try to message him on FB to see if everything is okay. I have a way of over thinking everything. She knows this about me. If I find the right words maybe I will message him. I really should so that I don't come up with a thousand different fictional reasons why he disappeared. In the meantime, I have cut back on my own playing time. I've read more books this month and I'm spending my morning before work blogging instead of playing on my phone.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Moving Forward
Last week I was chided by a good friend when I referred to my figure as that of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. I don't really mean to beat myself up, it is just that I tend to handle life with humor. I need to laugh sometimes so I don't cry. Crying is no fun and what's the point in crying over spilt milk? I have been a chunky chick for awhile now and it isn't then end of the world. Well, I didn't think it was the end of the world until I started gaining even more weight almost effortlessly. Why does it come on so easily and then refuse to come off. I knew I was gaining weight. I shunned the scale for months. I was right around the 230 mark when my dad got sick last year. I was unhappy there and wanted to get below 200. I got sidetracked. I thought I had gained about 10-12 pounds. I wish--not really--but 10-12 would be so much more acceptable than the actual 26 pounds that I gained. In the past few months I have grown more sluggish, have had weird dizzy spells and have had to start sleeping with a CPAP due to sleep Apnea. I never had these issues before. I don't think it is all age related. I firmly believe that weight is a giant issue that is starting to catch up with me. Until recently my doctor has been amazed at what great health I've been in. I can almost see that little thought bubble saying "wow, you are amazingly healthy for a fat person". She is much too nice to say that out loud, but sometimes it isn't hard to read minds!
A lot has been happening these past months. Job change, house decisions and life have side tracked me. I am easily distracted when I don't want to deal with something. I have started dealing with the weight a few times before but have just not really put the time and effort into it. The most important part of weight loss is finding what works for you personally and then believing in yourself to be able to follow through. Follow through isn't always my strong point. Look at the half written book I have lying around and then the others that are in various stages. Someday I may shock and amaze us all and actually finish one. Yes--I am digressing--I do that often.
In the past I have been successful only when I have felt fully in control of my plan. I have spent hours and money on programs, meal plans, diet books and hypnosis. Each worked to varying degrees. The only thing that is going to help me to succeed is a life change. I have been laying the ground work for that over the past few weeks. I was planning weight loss before I stepped on the scale and saw that awful number that made me cry. It is what it is and all that it means is that I am going to have to work a little harder and lose a little more. In preparation for this journey I have bought the dogs great walking harnesses, bought new walking shoes, planned a few hikes, have my fit bit up and running and sketched out a plan. This plan is including a product that my friend is currently using and selling. It is something that is working for her. I don't know if it will work for me yet. I am giving it a try for 8 weeks and will be happy to tell you all about it if I achieve results. The bottom line though is finding what works for you. Everyone is different and each individual has to find their own motivation, tools and will power.
This year I turn 50. It seems a little scary, but I'm handling it okay. I do look at it as me entering the third quarter. There will be no fourth quarter if I don't get a handle on my weight. If I want another 25-50 years of quality living it is time for me to start putting more effort into the upkeep of this body. It is going to wear out if I put too much more stress on it. Finding a healthy weight, more energy, better balance and moments of pure joy are going to do wonders for however much time I have left. I am in trouble at home for talking about my future demise, but death is part of life. We all will do it eventually. I want to make sure that there are as few regrets as possible. I will not let my weight, my lack of self confidence or my fear of failure keep me from doing anything that I really want to do.
Yes--part of this is a pep talk! Affirmations, quotes, all of that are part of me reminding myself that I am moving forward. There is no room for past failures or disappointments to hinder the journey. Some days I will fall on my face. That is okay. It isn't a race--it is life and letting go of anything negative will help me as I work to change old patterns. :) When I post the motivational stuff it is because it resounded with me and may also help others out there. I am all about helping one another achieve our goals whatever they may be. Hopefully they are all positive ones!!
So my fit bit has my goals in it. I need to get under 200 pounds and stay under for the rest of my life. My doctor says that 190 is a great weight for me. I am a size 12 at 190 and have a lot of energy. Personally I would like to hit 175 but weight is just a number. It is how my clothes fit, my energy level and quality of life that will be the key to feeling successful in all of this. I made a Face book group page attached to my regular page for anyone interested in following the journey and helping to hold me accountable. My fit bit seems to think that I can get to 190 by December. We will see. It needs to give room for user error! I am tracking my water, steps and calories through it. A big thing for me is to cut back to almost no sugar. I am so addicted to sugar and it is NOT my friend. I have had little to no sugar in two days. I'm not missing it too much at the moment. I did manage to walk past three chocolate cookies for two days until Kyle threw them away so they didn't continue to tempt me!
Let the journey begin--hopefully I won't fall off of the cliff this time around! :)
A lot has been happening these past months. Job change, house decisions and life have side tracked me. I am easily distracted when I don't want to deal with something. I have started dealing with the weight a few times before but have just not really put the time and effort into it. The most important part of weight loss is finding what works for you personally and then believing in yourself to be able to follow through. Follow through isn't always my strong point. Look at the half written book I have lying around and then the others that are in various stages. Someday I may shock and amaze us all and actually finish one. Yes--I am digressing--I do that often.
In the past I have been successful only when I have felt fully in control of my plan. I have spent hours and money on programs, meal plans, diet books and hypnosis. Each worked to varying degrees. The only thing that is going to help me to succeed is a life change. I have been laying the ground work for that over the past few weeks. I was planning weight loss before I stepped on the scale and saw that awful number that made me cry. It is what it is and all that it means is that I am going to have to work a little harder and lose a little more. In preparation for this journey I have bought the dogs great walking harnesses, bought new walking shoes, planned a few hikes, have my fit bit up and running and sketched out a plan. This plan is including a product that my friend is currently using and selling. It is something that is working for her. I don't know if it will work for me yet. I am giving it a try for 8 weeks and will be happy to tell you all about it if I achieve results. The bottom line though is finding what works for you. Everyone is different and each individual has to find their own motivation, tools and will power.
This year I turn 50. It seems a little scary, but I'm handling it okay. I do look at it as me entering the third quarter. There will be no fourth quarter if I don't get a handle on my weight. If I want another 25-50 years of quality living it is time for me to start putting more effort into the upkeep of this body. It is going to wear out if I put too much more stress on it. Finding a healthy weight, more energy, better balance and moments of pure joy are going to do wonders for however much time I have left. I am in trouble at home for talking about my future demise, but death is part of life. We all will do it eventually. I want to make sure that there are as few regrets as possible. I will not let my weight, my lack of self confidence or my fear of failure keep me from doing anything that I really want to do.
Yes--part of this is a pep talk! Affirmations, quotes, all of that are part of me reminding myself that I am moving forward. There is no room for past failures or disappointments to hinder the journey. Some days I will fall on my face. That is okay. It isn't a race--it is life and letting go of anything negative will help me as I work to change old patterns. :) When I post the motivational stuff it is because it resounded with me and may also help others out there. I am all about helping one another achieve our goals whatever they may be. Hopefully they are all positive ones!!
So my fit bit has my goals in it. I need to get under 200 pounds and stay under for the rest of my life. My doctor says that 190 is a great weight for me. I am a size 12 at 190 and have a lot of energy. Personally I would like to hit 175 but weight is just a number. It is how my clothes fit, my energy level and quality of life that will be the key to feeling successful in all of this. I made a Face book group page attached to my regular page for anyone interested in following the journey and helping to hold me accountable. My fit bit seems to think that I can get to 190 by December. We will see. It needs to give room for user error! I am tracking my water, steps and calories through it. A big thing for me is to cut back to almost no sugar. I am so addicted to sugar and it is NOT my friend. I have had little to no sugar in two days. I'm not missing it too much at the moment. I did manage to walk past three chocolate cookies for two days until Kyle threw them away so they didn't continue to tempt me!
Let the journey begin--hopefully I won't fall off of the cliff this time around! :)
Thursday, March 19, 2015
I wish I was a dog whisperer...........
It's a mystery. Not one that many people would take an interest in, but a mystery all the same. There is a chance that my sweet, blue-eyed baby just may not be as sweet as I think he is. Dempsey turned nine months old this week. He is still a funny guy with a charming personality, but he may also have decided that his best friend is not welcome on my bed. Maybe Dempsey has nothing to do with it, but something has happened recently and without a dog psychic I may never know what the deal is. Yes--maybe it is time for you non-dog people to stop reading. This is a dog blog. You know I am a sappy dog mom, so this one is for those who can relate.
Up until last week, our king sized bed was a happy place where the dogs liked to cuddle with me while I read or napped. Each morning when Antone let Rooney out of Kyle's room he would run in and kiss me good morning before going out to do his business. He would then race back up the stairs and cuddle in tight until I got up. If I read in bed at other times he would come cuddle as well. Rooney is two and a half, so this is a well established routine and one that I guess I took for granted. Since Rooney is Kyle's dog, he sleeps in Kyle's room. Dempsey sleeps in our bed. It is not something that Antone is happy about many nights, but that is where he has ended up. He was such a cute little lonely puppy at first. I couldn't leave him alone in the kennel all night. I let him on the bed. Now he is over 70 pounds and takes up some space. He has always shared with Rooney though--there is plenty of room.
I can't pinpoint the exact day, but recently Rooney stopped coming to kiss me good morning. I can live without the sloppy, wet morning kiss, so wasn't too concerned. That has now turned into the fact that Rooney will not come near my bed n the morning. He paces the room, lays by the bedroom door and ignores me when I call him. I try to get him to come to me and he pointedly looks away. He won't come near the bed. Dempsey watches as I call him--he cuddles in very close to me. Is he giving Rooney the stink eye and I don't know it. Is he projecting a message saying this is my space and my mom and you aren't welcome up here anymore? Maybe...... Antone tried putting Rooney up on the bed with me yesterday. He wouldn't jump up on his own even with us giving him the green light. We practically begged him to jump up and visit. He looked away. Once he was put up there physically he seemed okay--not his cuddly self though. Today I tried again. No dice.
When I got up and went to the shower he jumped up on the bed and played with Dempsey. Is it me? Did I offend the dog? He and Dempsey still play together and are buds. The drama centers around the bed. Is the bed haunted and Dempsey is immune? Is my CPAP machine scary? The mask is off by the time Rooney is up and around. The machine looks like a clock radio or something--not big or intimidating. I have heard of people trying to figure ways to keep their dogs off of the furniture. I never seem to be in the norm.... I don't want to believe that Dempsey would have anything to do with this new behavior. I guess I will see how the next few weeks unfold. It could actually be a conspiracy from my husband to get me to cuddle more with him. Hmmm..........
Up until last week, our king sized bed was a happy place where the dogs liked to cuddle with me while I read or napped. Each morning when Antone let Rooney out of Kyle's room he would run in and kiss me good morning before going out to do his business. He would then race back up the stairs and cuddle in tight until I got up. If I read in bed at other times he would come cuddle as well. Rooney is two and a half, so this is a well established routine and one that I guess I took for granted. Since Rooney is Kyle's dog, he sleeps in Kyle's room. Dempsey sleeps in our bed. It is not something that Antone is happy about many nights, but that is where he has ended up. He was such a cute little lonely puppy at first. I couldn't leave him alone in the kennel all night. I let him on the bed. Now he is over 70 pounds and takes up some space. He has always shared with Rooney though--there is plenty of room.
I can't pinpoint the exact day, but recently Rooney stopped coming to kiss me good morning. I can live without the sloppy, wet morning kiss, so wasn't too concerned. That has now turned into the fact that Rooney will not come near my bed n the morning. He paces the room, lays by the bedroom door and ignores me when I call him. I try to get him to come to me and he pointedly looks away. He won't come near the bed. Dempsey watches as I call him--he cuddles in very close to me. Is he giving Rooney the stink eye and I don't know it. Is he projecting a message saying this is my space and my mom and you aren't welcome up here anymore? Maybe...... Antone tried putting Rooney up on the bed with me yesterday. He wouldn't jump up on his own even with us giving him the green light. We practically begged him to jump up and visit. He looked away. Once he was put up there physically he seemed okay--not his cuddly self though. Today I tried again. No dice.
When I got up and went to the shower he jumped up on the bed and played with Dempsey. Is it me? Did I offend the dog? He and Dempsey still play together and are buds. The drama centers around the bed. Is the bed haunted and Dempsey is immune? Is my CPAP machine scary? The mask is off by the time Rooney is up and around. The machine looks like a clock radio or something--not big or intimidating. I have heard of people trying to figure ways to keep their dogs off of the furniture. I never seem to be in the norm.... I don't want to believe that Dempsey would have anything to do with this new behavior. I guess I will see how the next few weeks unfold. It could actually be a conspiracy from my husband to get me to cuddle more with him. Hmmm..........
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Judging Me Is Not Your Job
It seems there are people out there who choose to follow me on Facebook for the soul reason of judging me. If you fall into that category I have to say I'm pretty sure that is NOT your job. It is God's job to judge me and He certainly doesn't need to be micromanaged. He is VERY capable of managing on His own. God has many years of experience and is technically the only one with the right. For many years I did not share my views, beliefs or opinions even though I have a right to those beliefs just as all of you have rights to yours.. I've always tried to be respectful of the beliefs of others and when needed agree to disagree on certain points. I have been married for over twenty-four years to a person that doesn't always see things the way that I do. It's okay. We respect one another and have no need to try to conform each other. We have our own minds which is how it should be.
I spent a lot of years playing the part of the chameleon, the ostrich and the golden retriever. I wanted to fit in, avoid conflict and be loved by everyone. Constantly working to gain the approval of others is both impossible and exhausting. There are so many more constructive things to do with my time. Conflict is something that I still try avoid when possible, but conflict helps us to learn and to grow. As long as we are living we should be learning and growing. Sitting back thinking we know it all, judging those who we believe don't know it all and thinking that a narrow mind is a good thing are harmful to ourselves and others.
If I were a political person I would most likely be a Democrat who leans more towards Liberal views than Conservative ones. I was given the gifts of empathy, a big heart, an open mind and a lot of love. These are wonderful gifts that can sometimes be painful because this world is full of self-centered people with closed hearts and minds who hoard their love and dole it out to only those who they deem worthy. I'm not wired that way. God does do the wiring. He created us as unique individuals and bestowed free will upon us. My free will and the freedom awarded to me by the country that I live in has made it okay for me to be who I am and not be ashamed of it.
We chose to raise our children in a loving environment that allowed them to be who they are as individuals. Our four children are completely different in many ways and each has their own path. Though they may choose to keep some aspects of their lives private, for the most part my children share almost everything with me. I have respected their opinions and decisions. I have made myself open and available to them. I am not saying that we made all of the right decisions in parenting or that raising our children has been harmonious. We have learned lessons and grown together as a family. Mistakes have been made which we own up to. Our children are all adults now. We learn from one another. They have fresh ways of looking at things that I haven't always considered. I enjoy my time with each of them and am proud of who they have become regardless of how society views them. It is true that two of my children are living with significant others who they are not married to. As consenting adults, this is their right. I have no power to stop them and no right to judge them. They are making their way in the world the best way that they know how and are learning valuable lessons about life daily. They don't need my opinions. They need my love, support and respect.
My family knows that I believe in God, in Jesus, in Angels, in Ghosts, in gender equality, in freedom to love on another regardless of age, race, sex or gender, in Gay rights, in the power of positive thinking and a long list of other things. They don't agree with all of my beliefs. They shake their head at a few. They love and respect me though. They let me be who I am just as I let them be themselves. I am not perfect, I am not always right, I do have a good heart and I do believe that love, respect and kindness are essential elements in all relationships. God loves me. He knows me better than anyone. What I do, what my family does and how we choose to live are all known and seen by God. He doesn't need anyone reporting to him. He has all of the facts. The facts He has are true and not skewed by those who view my life through their own filter~a filter laced with their opinions, beliefs and world views.
Though I am sure there are many verses in the Bible that some of you would like to throw at me that will prove I am a sinner bound for eternal damnation. This is one of my favorite verses. To me it tells us that there are things in this world that no one really knows or understands. We can have all of the opinions we want, but until we are face to face with God we will never have all of the answers:
Love
…11When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Love is how I choose to see God. Love is how I choose to view others. Love is the filter that I put over my personal lens. If you cannot accept who I am. If my Democratic, Gay Rights, Liberal views offend you, then please quietly hit the unfriend button. I don't need your barbed reasoning or your opinions on my life. I just need to be surrounded by those who like to lift people up, not drag them down. If you feel that judging others is your job, you may want to rethink your career choice, unless of course you are a judge. In that case, judge me only if I'm brought before you in your court.
I spent a lot of years playing the part of the chameleon, the ostrich and the golden retriever. I wanted to fit in, avoid conflict and be loved by everyone. Constantly working to gain the approval of others is both impossible and exhausting. There are so many more constructive things to do with my time. Conflict is something that I still try avoid when possible, but conflict helps us to learn and to grow. As long as we are living we should be learning and growing. Sitting back thinking we know it all, judging those who we believe don't know it all and thinking that a narrow mind is a good thing are harmful to ourselves and others.
If I were a political person I would most likely be a Democrat who leans more towards Liberal views than Conservative ones. I was given the gifts of empathy, a big heart, an open mind and a lot of love. These are wonderful gifts that can sometimes be painful because this world is full of self-centered people with closed hearts and minds who hoard their love and dole it out to only those who they deem worthy. I'm not wired that way. God does do the wiring. He created us as unique individuals and bestowed free will upon us. My free will and the freedom awarded to me by the country that I live in has made it okay for me to be who I am and not be ashamed of it.
We chose to raise our children in a loving environment that allowed them to be who they are as individuals. Our four children are completely different in many ways and each has their own path. Though they may choose to keep some aspects of their lives private, for the most part my children share almost everything with me. I have respected their opinions and decisions. I have made myself open and available to them. I am not saying that we made all of the right decisions in parenting or that raising our children has been harmonious. We have learned lessons and grown together as a family. Mistakes have been made which we own up to. Our children are all adults now. We learn from one another. They have fresh ways of looking at things that I haven't always considered. I enjoy my time with each of them and am proud of who they have become regardless of how society views them. It is true that two of my children are living with significant others who they are not married to. As consenting adults, this is their right. I have no power to stop them and no right to judge them. They are making their way in the world the best way that they know how and are learning valuable lessons about life daily. They don't need my opinions. They need my love, support and respect.
My family knows that I believe in God, in Jesus, in Angels, in Ghosts, in gender equality, in freedom to love on another regardless of age, race, sex or gender, in Gay rights, in the power of positive thinking and a long list of other things. They don't agree with all of my beliefs. They shake their head at a few. They love and respect me though. They let me be who I am just as I let them be themselves. I am not perfect, I am not always right, I do have a good heart and I do believe that love, respect and kindness are essential elements in all relationships. God loves me. He knows me better than anyone. What I do, what my family does and how we choose to live are all known and seen by God. He doesn't need anyone reporting to him. He has all of the facts. The facts He has are true and not skewed by those who view my life through their own filter~a filter laced with their opinions, beliefs and world views.
Though I am sure there are many verses in the Bible that some of you would like to throw at me that will prove I am a sinner bound for eternal damnation. This is one of my favorite verses. To me it tells us that there are things in this world that no one really knows or understands. We can have all of the opinions we want, but until we are face to face with God we will never have all of the answers:
Love
…11When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Love is how I choose to see God. Love is how I choose to view others. Love is the filter that I put over my personal lens. If you cannot accept who I am. If my Democratic, Gay Rights, Liberal views offend you, then please quietly hit the unfriend button. I don't need your barbed reasoning or your opinions on my life. I just need to be surrounded by those who like to lift people up, not drag them down. If you feel that judging others is your job, you may want to rethink your career choice, unless of course you are a judge. In that case, judge me only if I'm brought before you in your court.
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