Who Two

If I were to be completely honest I could say that I missed the mark on achieving my goals in 2015.   I weigh a little more now than I did a year ago, I am not regularly meditating and did not start attending a yoga class as planned.  I am still in the same house, I don't love my job and I am not eating a consistently healthy diet.  I am a year older, still chunky and still clueless as to what I want to be doing to contribute to the family income. All of those things are true but they don't paint the complete picture of my year.  I hiked a few great hikes, had some pretty awesome adventures with family and friends and made dozens of amazing memories. I also kept my head up most of the time, made it through the holidays without any anti-depressants or anxiety medications, learned valuable lessons that will keep me on track for future successes and after a few dark days of brooding have a positive attitude going into 2016.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have a great collection of non-fiction books written by wise people on how to succeed, how to be happy, how to find your purpose in life, etc.   These are books written by normal people who reached their goals and wanted to help others find the formula to success as well. I love the titles of these books and each one spoke to me on some level or it wouldn't be on my shelves.  I actually spent the past week reading one from start to finish.  Reading non-fiction isn't my favorite thing.  I know it is a great way to learn, but I like diving into fiction so I can escape reality. I did not allow myself any fiction between Christmas and New Year's.


I am a fan of social media when it is used in a positive manner such as keeping in touch with friends and family, sharing pictures and marketing for your business.  Networking is imperative these days to making it in any business.  Everyone is connected.   What I'm not a fan of is cyber bullying, scam artists and hateful ranting on public sites.  Hiding behind a computer should not automatically make you immune to being a decent human being.  Anonymous or not, you should still have morals and boundaries.  I am constantly amazed at the ignorance, arrogance and blatant poison that people unleash on the world through chat rooms, public forums and sometimes on your own personal pages.


There are days when I wish I didn't have to censor everything that I write.  I am very aware of who may be reading and how they may react to the truth of how I feel.  I have learned so much about perspective this past year.  The negativity that oozes at family functions and the barrage of opinions really make me want to hide away until all is quiet again.   I know what is expected of me.  I put on the smile, try to visit and make small talk. I just don't have the energy today.   I have been under fire for two weeks.  In these two days at home I want to relax and feel comfortable in my own home.  I came back to re-energize.  I have another hard week coming up.  There are decisions to make and details to iron out as I try to keep the peace.  There are those who are critical of what others are or aren't doing.  Everyone has their own agenda.  I am trying to step away from what I need, feel and think and do what is best for my family and my father.  If I were the one in the hospital bed living the last of my days I would want those around me to care more about me than what they feel others


At a social media training for our company this past week the facilitator used the analogy of being on the right bus and in the right seat when talking about which employees should be in charge of the social media aspect of the office.  You may hire the right person for your office, but do you have them doing the right job?  This was a question that they asked and it made me start questioning if I am on the right bus.  Okay--so I have a few buses and I need to figure out if I should be on any of them!

I am a big fan of self-help books.  I own dozens.  I honestly can't tell you if I've actually ever read one.  I think I'm a fan of the idea of self-help books.  I'm also a fan of their titles.  Why read the book when the title already makes you think?  I prefer fiction since make-believe is usually better than the real thing.  Finding the right bus should be the title of a self-help book, maybe it already is.  There are articles that talk about inviting the right people to join you on your bus.   Sometimes I think I want to be a bus driver.  I am happy in the passenger seat as long as I get to sit near the front.  I get sick in the back of the bus.

One of my self-help books has the premise of doing what you love.  If you are passionate about it, you can find a way to make money doing it.  Great thought, but one that I haven't figured out.  I think it has been hard for me to figure out what I am passionate about.  I have been taking note lately and find that soccer, rescuing animals (specifically dogs), helping people, reading and writing are the things that I gravitate towards.

 Several months ago I went to a class through work where they used a popular analogy that I hadn't actually heard before.  When I Googled it I found that as usual I was behind the times, but I liked it.  They wanted to make sure that the employees were all in the right seats on the bus.  I knew right away that I was sitting in the wrong seat and started wondering if I was even on the right bus.  I figured out quickly that I wasn't.  The problem is how do you find the right bus?  So many buses look alike!  I am exiting this particular bus tomorrow and planning to board another next week.  Thankfully life is a journey and if the next bus doesn't seem to be going in the right direction I can always signal the driver and exit that bus as well.  Who knows, maybe the driver will find that I don't fit in on his bus and will ask me to get off.  I really do want to find a nice comfortable seat with a good view on the correct bus and sit there for awhile.  I have bus hopped for years due to my need for part-time and flexible buses.  I took some short road trips and had a few bumpy rides.  The last bus that I really liked crashed.  That was a bummer.  Thankfully I only suffered a few bumps and bruises and was able to catch another bus that was supposed to be temporary; I got comfortable and stayed a little longer than I intended.  There are times when I daydream of driving my own bus.  Buses are expensive though and maintaining them can be complicated.  I am better off just continuing my search for the right one with a seat that fits me well.

Who are you? Are you my Who?

I recently picked up a book that is NOT by Dr. Seuss though it kind of sounds like it could be.   "The Power of Who" came to my attention when I learned about it during a recent speech.  We were at an event when all of the sudden things quieted down for some type of presentation.  I was distracted as usual until I was nudged and told that I was needed near the microphone.  I love being behind the scenes and making the magic happen.  I don't like being in the limelight.  True to form I cried as my friend Tammie told the group that I was her "who".   She had read a book by Bob Beaudine that states you already know everyone that you need to know in life.  Mixed into all of those people is the one that is going to push you and make you accomplish things that you couldn't have accomplished otherwise.  I was not the one with the vision, I was not the one putting in the work--all I did was cheer Tammie and her husband on, offer my assistance and put key people into place who could help her to achieve a goal that others told her was not possible.  They built a soccer club for a very special group of kids that no one else wanted to build a club for.  I was touched that she put so much stock into my minor role in the endeavor. When giving it more thought I actually decided that I was proud to have been named as her "who".  I would like to be a professional "who"~steering people in the right direction and patting them on the back when they cross the finish line.  I genuinely love people and want the world to live happily ever after.  Being a who is kind of like being Santa, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy all in one.  Who's are rock stars--I am The Who. Who would have thought?  Sorry, I went off on a "who" tangent.  This whole who thing is pretty awesome.

I picked up the book because I had to know more about what a who was and how I could get one for myself.   Of course anyone who knows me knows that I have a couple of shelves full of great Non-Fiction, self-help, affirmation types of books that I mean to read and then don't.  I like their titles, I love the names of the chapters and I really like the thought of reading them.  I just don't make the time.  I put them aside and dive into fiction because fiction is just so much less work.  What's ironic is that I would like to write a few of these books but who would read them?  They would be bought by well meaning people like me and sit on shelves like mine.

I am going to carve out some time for The Power of Who. According to the acknowledgements and the table of contents (the two parts of the book I've actually read so far) I have a whole army of who's already!  Maybe you are one of them!!  I need to dig deeper.  I find myself once again at a crossroads with more questions than answers.  I have stood at this same crossroads more times than is healthy and I would like to choose right this time.  I have decisions to make and goals to map out.  I am surrounded by cheerleaders, but none of them know exactly what to cheer for since I'm always spinning in circles and chasing shiny objects.   It is time to slow down, sit down, do some evaluating and actually finish reading this book and a couple of others on my shelves.  Reading them can't hurt anything and they just might help.

When I learn about who's, what's, when's and why's I will write another part to this post.  I will shower you with all kinds of information and encouragement.  If you are really interested in it you may not want to wait for me and grab the book for yourself.  The author states that he found himself at a time in his life where he gave himself permission to stop dreaming and start doing.  I think it's about time that I give myself that same permission as well.  In the meantime go out there and be somebody's who!  Helping others achieve their goals and dreams is amazing!  Tammie~I have no doubt that you are one of my who's!

Shoe Shopping Blues...........

Once upon a time I was a young average sized girl with normal average size 8 feet.  I had all of the shoes I could ever want and then some.  I lived blissfully unaware of the fact that pregnancy and weight gain do a number on your feet as well as the rest of your body.   With each pregnancy my feet grew a 1/2 inch.  They sort of spread out and turned into these size 9.5 wide Fred Flinstone feet that sometimes required a 10.  My square feet didn't much like cute pointy shoes or high heels.  Luckily for me I love Converse and flats.  I had to ditch all of my old shoes and start over again.  Several years ago I found a pair of clogs that I really liked.  They were comfortable and they gave me some height.  I don't necessarily have a problem with being 5'5", but most of my nicer jeans are long and adding a few inches gives me a false sense of looking a tiny bit slimmer.  Height/weight proportion  is something that a pair of three foot heels might help with, but in my mind just adding those few inches helps just enough to keep me happy.  The clogs were awesome, simple and amazingly comfortable.  Like many things, they wore out in time.  The staples holding them together started coming out.  There were only so many times that my husband could play shoemaker and hammer them back together.  Sadly one day when they were around six or seven years old they had to be retired to the Goodwill pile.  I promised myself I would find another pair.  That was over two years ago.

My closet is comprised of several pairs of cute flats, way too many pairs of tennis shoes, an assortment of flip flops (formerly known as thongs) and two pairs of boots that I really like.  There is also a pair of black heels hidden somewhere that I really can't wear but keep just in case someday they magically fit better.  Maybe if I lose weight my feet will too and some of the shoes that seem tight might suddenly be okay.  It could happen!  What my closet is lacking is a tall pair of clog like shoes that I can wear with my jeans when it is jeans day at work ~the day we can wear jeans if we dress them up a bit.  I think they call it business casual or something.  I actually get texts from my new job telling me I can wear jeans sometimes when it is not Friday!  That is awesome--I love wearing jeans.  Yes--I am off track!  I ordered a pair of clogs a few months back from Zulily.  I got a great deal on a pair of Danskos and of course because I ordered them online I didn't try them on beforehand.  I've had great success with shoes form Zulily before and figured all would be well.  The Danskos came and they were not your standard clogs, they had a back.  I tried to put them on, ready for the nice leather to stretch and form to my foot.  Somehow I transformed into one of the ugly step sisters trying on the glass slipper.  My foot would not contort to fit into the shoe.  At one point I sort of got them on~I thought if I could only get my foot to fit I could stretch them.  The cramps in my feet were so bad that I couldn't keep my foot in them to do any stretching.  Today was a Jeans day at work and my new jeans are too long, I pulled the Danskos out of the closet and nothing has changed.  I couldn't figure out what the issue was.  I was sure that I checked the size chart right.  The sizes are European.  It turns out that I misread the chart and was trying to squeeze my big feet into an 8.5.  Damn non refundable shoes, damn size chart, damn me for not reading it right--they are perfect and they will never fit my feet.   Back to the drawing board.  I took my depressed self shoe shopping during my short lunch break today.  I thought that if I could find a cute pair of clog like shoes that would fit and look good with my jeans my mood would improve.  There was more toe scrunching and misery.  It seems that style doesn't even like my foot when I try a 9.5 or 10.  I need backless clogs--the normal kind that used to be easy to find.  Tonight I talked my husband into taking me to two  more stores--no luck.  Now I am bound and determined to find the perfect shoe.  Of course he is not sympathetic since in his mind I have a zillion shoes and so what if they are all flat and my jeans drag on the ground--roll them up.

I will not let my failure to procure shoes today get me down. It may not be tomorrow, it may not even be next week, but some day soon I will find the shoes that I am looking for.  They will be cute, they will fit comfortably and they will look amazing with my jeans.  When I wear them I will look an eensy, teensy bit thinner and that will give me confidence.  Silly I know--I shouldn't let shoes dictate my mood, but sometimes I can't help it.  I'm a girl!!  Even ugly step sisters with Fred Flinstone feet deserve cute shoes!!!

Bah Humbug.......kind of........

I am NOT the Grinch.  I love Christmas, okay, love is a strong word.  I like Christmas, just not as much as others and not as early as some people in the world.  Today is September 30th~tomorrow my favorite month begins.  Please let me enjoy the crisp fall air, crunchy leaves, pumpkin flavored treats, wearing sweaters and all of the joys of October before you start in with the holiday cheer.  I started a new job last week.  I really think I'm going to like it.  I have learned a lot and am starting to feel comfortable.  Well, I was feeling comfortable until today when I realized that I didn't have the heart to ask one of my co-workers to turn off the Christmas tunes.  I get it--she's had a rough week and was trying to cheer herself up.  Eat chocolate like the rest of us.  Couldn't she annoy me with show tunes instead--those are upbeat!  As I sat in the too warm office listening to Silent Night this afternoon I did have some Scrooge thoughts dancing through my head instead of sugar plums.  To everything there is a season, Christmas is in the winter!I know it was a long summer but I refuse to skip fall!!

I'm a little slower than most to warm up to Christmas.  I start to get a little excited on December 1st.  I am seldom able to enjoy it sooner because I find the hype of Black Friday and the fact that it has now taken over Thanksgiving out of character for what it is all supposed to mean.  How can we be thankful and enjoy family members when a certain faction of them are trying to scarf down the bird so they can hurry and get in line at the mall for the newest gadgets?  I can't feel warm fuzzies when I am watching news footage of yet another death by stampede at Walmart over low priced electronics.  I guess it is safe to say that I have become jaded.  I am quick to notice the greedy gleam in the eyes of those looking to profit off the holiday. The people who drop loads of cash on the hot ticket items so they can run home and list them for astronomical amounts on E-bay forcing frazzled parents to pay way too much out of sheer desperation. I realize that higher profit margins are good for the economy and keep people in jobs.  It isn't good for my morale.  I actually went through a phase of dreading the whole thing~the pressure to come up with amazing gifts on a tight budget helped me do a number on my credit rating.  Who needs good credit when all of the relatives are reasonably happy.  Half of them probably returned my thoughtful gifts but that is all part of the season now. The goodwill and good cheer of holiday lore have been replaced by rude, annoyed or frustrated souls caught in the trap of consumer lust and blatant commercialism.  I am giving myself a headache and my mood is darkening just thinking about it.  If only my co-worker knew the havoc she wreaked on my psyche today.

There are those who still understand the meaning of Christmas;  people who remember magical memories and the ways that certain traditions made them feel.  I am trying very hard to get back to that.   I am working on actually liking Christmas again.  I would have an easier time liking it if it wasn't shoved down my throat earlier and earlier each year.  I don't need a countdown in July.  I don't need to see it on the shelves in August and I don't need to be listening to carols at the end of September.  Bah Humbug--I know.  I have friends who adore it and I respect that.  I envy them in a way.  Just respect me when I say that all things are good in moderation.  Christmas moderation should start after Thanksgiving and your lights should be down by the middle of January.  I do give kudos to those who find ways to make their lights work for other holidays throughout the year.  While I'm at it, I may as well say that leaving your wreath on your door until summer when it is brown and looks like a fire hazard annoys me as well.

Happy October my friends!  Eat a cranberry bliss bar at Starbucks (yes more consumerism), drink a hot cocoa for me and pray for my sanity!!  I think it is safe to say that though I am most likely certifiably insane I am harmless and sometimes just have to rant in a blog to amuse myself.  If I can keep from getting too annoyed, I may actually send some Christmas cards this year.  I'm not going to get ahead of myself though.  Chances are I may be done with Christmas by the end of October at this rate!!

Reevaluating and Redirecting......

Life is a journey. Time and again I find myself sitting in front of the computer trying to find the right words to describe where I am and where I am going.  It may seem redundant to many of you.  I mean enough already, I am beginning to get a bit bored with my struggles to become the person that I want to be.  It is hard though.  I have spent years with faulty wiring and am now trying to undo the damage that negative self talk has done to me.  Maybe some of you are in the same boat.  Stuck and wanting to change but not knowing how.  It should be easy, but I am one damn stubborn woman and my subconscious self is not easy to get past.  I have been in a funk this summer.  I would like to be sitting here writing something funny to make you all laugh, but instead I am boring myself to tears with the same old, same old of not yet being where it is that I want to be.  I will reevaluate the past few months, list any faults that I find then start fresh tomorrow with a clear slate and a new path.  Good things are coming for all of us, we just have to keep pressing forward.

After reading over some of my most recent blogs, they all seem to sound a bit the same.  They are part of my journey right now as I work to stop the negative self talk that has become a habit over the years.  It does seem as if I have been swimming in molasses these past few months, but small changes are occurring and I am learning more about who I am, where I am and which direction I want to go from here. As I get ready to start the empty nest chapter of my life it has been important to me to look ahead to where I am going and to make sure that where I am is where I really want to be.  We get one shot at life and I want to  make it to the end of mine knowing that I followed the path that I wanted to follow and that just maybe I did some good along the way.

I came into the summer months with a long list of big changes that I was planning to make.  The list remains the same with no marked progress.   September is here and I don't weigh any more or less, I sporadically list my food on my Weight Watchers App, I wear my fit bit about once a week when I know I will be walking a lot and the projects around the house are still waiting for me to start them.   I have learned that this is life. You set out with certain intentions but get sidetracked by reality more often than not.   The lack of progress would have had me feeling like a failure this time last  year.  In the past I have made big goals and then have beat myself up when they don't come to fruition.  It seems that it is completely normal for people to have high expectations for themselves and then do a mental beat down when they fail.  I habitually set myself up for failure.  This summer I may not have ticked things off of my to do list but I did learn some important lessons.  Listing your weaknesses and really taking a look at your flaws is not a negative thing.  Accepting your quirks is actually very positive and can lead you to a healthier place mentally.   I have stated before that I spent the majority of my life being a "pleaser".   Call it a suck up, an ass kisser, a peace keeper an ambassador of goodwill or whatever you want to call it.  I wanted everyone to like me and to not offend anyone.  I absolutely hate confrontation and drama and try to avoid it at all costs.  I have found myself drawn into drama just because I was too nice too not let myself get sucked in.   Being "too nice" can get you into trouble and lead you into places you don't really want to be.  It is amazing how quickly being polite can backfire on you.

I am not saying that I'm going to stop being nice and polite or that I'm going to tell the world to "bite me".  I believe in kindness and good.  I am just taking time to be aware of other perspectives and to allow myself to step away from situations that could destroy my peace of mind.  We get caught up in 'shoulds'.  Recently the proverbial light bulb went off in my head.  When you are listening (or not) to the spiel they give you before take off about making sure that you securely fasten the air mask on yourself before assisting those around you including your own children they are not telling you to be selfish.  They are telling you that if you are incapacitated by polluted air then you can't help anyone else.  I love helping people but I have to be in a healthy and positive place in my own life if I really
want to make an impact.

I've spent my summer reevaluating my goals and what I want the second half of my life to look like.  We are constantly growing and changing so it is important to take a break to see if you are on the right path.  Switching directions can be a bit scary.  We tend to get comfortable treading water and forget that there was once a destination we were traveling to.  My friends and family will tell you that I get sidetracked by shiny objects a lot!  I have been knocked off the trail a few times and it sometimes takes me awhile to regroup and move forward.

I have let many things in my life be roadblocks instead of stepping stones.  My lack of a four year degree, my distaste for math, my chunkiness and my not so young anymore age have been excuses this past year for allowing myself to get stuck.  This past month has been about refocusing on the possibilities and learning what it is that I really want in life.  By reading books and articles, meditating on certain thoughts and making lists I do feel that progress is being made.  I am getting closer to realizing what it is that I want to accomplish and what I want to add to my life to help me with these accomplishments.  I have learned about my downfalls and skewed ways of thinking that have held me back and not allowed me to progress.  I have found that focusing on one thing can be difficult when my mind is full and always busy.   Visualizing what you want your life to look like and planning  the steps to take to get you there are imperative.  This visualization will not look the same for each person.  We are individuals so what works for you as a tried and true method may not work at all for me.  Finding your own special formula is the key.   We all want the magic potion or easy formula but because we are all so different it can't be a cookie cutter fix.  One ingredient that we all need is to believe that it is possible.  I know that saying that you need to believe sounds cliche' but it is true.  Our mindset is so much more powerful than we know and changing negative thoughts into positive ones is not as simple as it sounds.  One way to test yourself on this is to think of a new idea or situation that is coming your way.  Are you excited about the possibilities or are you scared to death and worried about everything that could go wrong?  I can sometimes be the queen of the worse case scenario thinking.  This is not good.  I need to quit tripping over the "what ifs" and grab the bull by the horns.  I miss that fearless girl that I was a long time ago.  I want to find her again--she is buried in there somewhere.

I am currently working on being both positive and grateful.   Some may think that I am hitting that middle aged place where certain women suddenly become "new age".   There really isn't anything "new" about many of the principles and practices that are labeled "new age".  Many of these things have been around for hundreds of years and are proven time and again.  As I stare down "50" and make friends with my flaws I find that I have so many things in my life to be thankful for.  We can get caught up thinking about the things that we don't have or that we haven't done and then forget to look at all of the amazing things we have accomplished.  My life is far from perfect, but it is mine.  I am healthy regardless of my chunkiness, I have an amazing family and awesome friends.  I am rich in so many ways that have nothing to do with my net worth or education level.

I am leaving my job this week.  I love the people there but not the work.  There is also a level of drama that is affecting me in a negative way.  I am overly empathetic, when there are problems I want to fix them.  I sometimes start drowning in other peoples issues.  I care too much, want to help too badly and end up doing serious damage to myself.  I get frustrated when I'm unable to do enough.  The problem is that I was not put here to fix everyone's problems.  People have to fix themselves.  How can they learn and grow if someone swoops in and helps them?  Sometimes they don't even want help and are a bit annoyed that I would even presume that they did.  I have to step back and remember that my job is to plant seeds, show kindness and to love unconditionally.  Not everyone will like me and not everyone will appreciate my own unique sense of quirkiness.  It doesn't matter.  All that matters is that I let go of the past, forget any labels that have been issued to me by others and strive each day to be a better version of me.

I am tempted to tell you that I am worried about my new job, how I will fit in, if I will like it.  I am learning to be positive and grateful though so instead I will tell you that in less than two weeks I am starting a new chapter.  My youngest will move out and I will start a new job.  It is a job that I did not envision for myself but I will go in there and be thankful that they see something in me that makes them believe that I will be phenomenal.  I will learn new things and meet new people.  I will accomplish my goals in my own time and in my own way.  I may even write a few of the funny blogs in my head that I haven't written because I'm worried they will offend someone.  People will judge, people will be offended; there will be drama and conflicts will happen occasionally.  I will survive them all and not take anything personally.  I will keep my focus on the good.  Life is a journey.....

Speaking of Perceptions.........

It is funny how things seem so clear in your own mind until someone questions  your intentions.  I learned this morning that what I thought were awesome posts with wise words that may help others were actually sending out red flags to some regarding my own well being.  For someone whose past few blogs have referred to perceptions, I am pretty clueless at times.   This is a reminder that what seems perfectly clear in our own minds is not necessarily clear to those around us.  Sometimes what we say and what we do can send mixed messages to those who may not be around us daily.

I am so very thankful to have friends who know me well and call when they are worried about my well being.  I have a history of depression and anxiety.  I can assure you all that as far as those things go, I feel that I am in a really good place right now.  I am extremely bored at work and that leads to too much time in my own head and me trying to find constructive things to do for nine hours.  I used to spend a lot of time reading the news.  That is not healthy for me.  The news is filled with gloom and doom.  I am working on positive thinking~gory details and sensationalized headlines are a complete and total buzz kill.

As many of you know, I recently tried for an amazing job that I felt was tailor made just for me.  It was with a small non-profit that works in all of the schools in Oregon.  I made it far in the process and was given a lot of positive feedback even though I didn't get the job.  Since the final decision came down I have a boss whose well meaning (I think) comments are starting to wreak havoc with my self-esteem.  When you couple those comments with my not so stellar interview that happened this week I have to admit that I did struggle again for a few days with those old insecurities.

I have spent the past few years working on the spiritual side of myself.  I have grown a lot as a person and feel that I am stronger in many ways.  A friend of mine has a sister who is a well known psychic.  She is known as the "common sense" psychic and lives in California.  This past weekend she was in town to lead a class at a bookstore in downtown Portland.  A friend and I decided to go to the class so that I could finally meet her.  Think what you want to about psychics but I believe that we are all intuitive and that we all have gifts.  At the class I was told a couple of things that made sense.  The first being the most obvious in my life right now.  I am not where I'm supposed to be job wise.  I am in a position that doesn't utilize my strengths and skills and it is beginning to bring me down mentally.  I need to be busy, I need to feel like I am making a difference~this job doesn't require much out of me at all.  Sometimes they tell you things that you already know but don't really want to hear.   She told me that I put too much stock in what others think of me.  This is something that I have known about myself for awhile now and have been working on.  I used to pretty much wear a mask all of the time to hide my real self from the world because I hate conflict and didn't want to offend anyone.   A few years ago I realized I wasn't even sure I had my own opinions.   In many areas of my life I have opened up and shown my true self without caring what others think.  My biggest insecurities have to do with my employment and my body image.   These are where I feel I still seek confirmation from others as to my self worth.  I am aware of this and am working on it, but in the middle of a job search it is easy to lose site of the progress made.

After the class I had a minute or two to talk to Phyllis while she was signing my book.  She made the suggestion of me becoming a life coach.   I have thought of that before but have felt that my empathetic nature may draw me in too much.   I did have a talk with God, Jesus, my guardian angel, my spirit guides and the universe on my way home.  I told them that I knew the right job was out there for me but that I needed help finding it.  People talk about receiving signs.  I reminded them that I am clueless at times; if they plan on sending a sign please make sure it is really big, neon and flashing bright lights so that I don't miss it.  On Monday I typed "life coach" in on Craig's List.  A job popped up.   It said "Life Coach Coordinator".   I thought to myself that this could be a sign.  I e-mailed over my resume' and set up an interview with the staffing agency that was filling the position. I thought to myself that this could be it.  This job could be the one that I was meant to have because it had a lot of the same tasks as the one at OSAA but worked with job and life coaches.  I walked in full of confidence with my head held high.   It's funny how you can be so full of self-esteem one minute and then feel like something on the bottom of someones shoe the next.   I know that I could do the job and that I would rock it.  They took a look at me and reflected in their eyes I suddenly saw that I was older and heavier than they had expected and  that I wasn't as educated as they would have liked. Is that really what they were thinking?  Maybe--maybe just a tone in their voice brought my biggest insecurities down all around me.  I kept my head up and thanked them knowing that the staffing service had found me lacking and therefore I wasn't going to have the opportunity to even tell anyone how perfect I was for the position.

This is a year of transitions and life changing events for me.  I am strong, I am loved and I am worthy.  I will find the right job, I will be healthier no matter what size I am and I will not be wearing any masks.  I am rich beyond measure when it comes to family and friends.   I will continue my spiritual path, continue to find joy every day and continue to turn anything negative in my life to something positive.   I will also work on perceptions.  I will give people second chances, I will not let first impressions define those I meet and I will continue to be kind.   If ever I post eleven affirmative posts on Facebook in one day again it is okay to question me.  It is okay to worry about my well being.  Just know that I am probably just bored and not realizing that I am sending mixed messages.

Open to Interpretation

Someone recently complained to me about the Facebook page of an acquaintance that irritated them because it seemed like they were always bragging about how great their life was.  I have seen hundreds of Face Book pages and individuals are free to use them however they see fit.  Some people use FB to keep friends and relatives updated on their lives and others use it to find friends from the past they've lost touch with.  There are those who use it as a forum for their business, some as a place to vent, a place to brag, a place to seek ideas, and encouragement.  There are predators, scam artists and unsavory people there as well.  Whatever a persons reason for being on social media, they do have the right to post whatever they choose.  You have the right to read it, or not.  Thankfully you have options.  You can unfollow anyone at anytime and still keep them as friends.  By not following them you do not see their updates unless you make a conscious choice to visit their page.  If they are really that irritating remove them from your friends list.  You can even block people if you feel that is necessary.   I personally have only blocked known scam artists with fake accounts.  

I look at most people's pages as a high light reel.   You go to the movies and see previews for coming attractions.  Some movies look awesome until you actually go to see it and find out that all of the best parts were in the preview and all you were left with was kind of a slow, mundane film that you could have waited to see on Net Flix. I really can only speak to my own page.  It is a place for me that I happen to share with hundreds of other people.  I post my adventures, photos I want to share with family and friends, things that inspire me and memories I want to keep.  It is both a scrapbook and a place to inspire myself and others.  I am on the quest to be the best person that I can be.  I have suffered from depression and anxiety off and on over the years.  There are times when I want to barricade in my house and read books for weeks.  I make myself go out and spend time with friends, do things that are outside my comfort zone and I try to get others to do the same.  

I try very hard not to judge others.  It is hard sometimes.  We live in a society that judges people every day.  I grew up putting labels on everyone else because that is what we do.  In order to file individuals away in our brain we put little tags on them to help us remember who they are.  In doing this we sometimes relegate them into a little box that has nothing to do with who they really are.  We are so much more than actions we took in high school or an opinion that we once expressed that didn't sit right with those around us.  We judge a persons character by one mistake or a perception we were given by someone else.  We may be missing out on wonderful people because we can't get past a physical flaw or an instant impression that we made.

Sometimes instant impressions are reliable.  We are all intuitive; some a little more than others.  We recognize personality traits that may not be compatible with our own and we walk away.  This is fine and healthy.  What isn't healthy is telling others not to friend someone because of your personal perception.   I read an article last week that really made me think.  It talked about people whose energy repulses you.  I have met a few people in life that I can not handle being around.  In some cases they are energy suckers, vampires that drain me and leave me feeling weak and emotionally exhausted.  Others have an energy that I really don't like.  The article talked about the latter-the ones who have energy we don't like.  It suggested that we don't like them because we recognize a trait in them that we ourselves have and don't want.  I mentally listed the few people who I feel this way towards and found some truth to it.

Bringing this all back around to social media and the way that we use it.  I suggest that you make an effort to leave a positive imprint.  Don't leave passive aggressive remarks, don't fuel the fire on ignorant comments and save the drama for a different forum.  There are so many wonderful and positive people out there posting.  Making the choice to stay away from the negative posts; the anger filled, accusatory, hate filled rants that fear mongers like to use to incite rage is the first step.  Don't let your first impression of a person or a situation be the deciding factor on where you stand.  First off you don't have to choose a side.  If you are compelled to be drawn in make sure that you have checked the facts and looked at both sides.  If you don't know enough about the situation stay quiet.  Misconceptions and skewed interpretations lead to something going viral that is based completely on emotion and has nothing to do with facts.  There are some very unhappy people who troll the internet looking for a fight.  They hide behind their anonymity and delight in anarchy.  I have been sucked in by people like this before and don't like the way that it makes me feel.

This is my rant for the day.  I am not even sure if it makes sense.  I just know that everything in life is open to interpretation.  Everything is a choice.  The choices we make will inevitably define who we become.  My goal is to project love and light which isn't always easy in a world addicted to darkness.