Getting older has its challenges. There are some things that you can't stop from happening no matter how well you take care of yourself. My eyesight has always been great. I can still see well on objects that are far away. It is the small, close-up stuff that seemed to go from clear to blurry overnight. I am getting to the point where I can't even read a text very well without a pair of glasses. I am lucky enough to have good health benefits that include vision. I have three pairs of glasses lying around--okay, four--I just don't know where the fourth pair is at the moment.
I have a great plan for my glasses. I keep one pair by my computer, one pair by my bed and the final pair in my purse. This plan should be solid and take care of my needs nicely. Not so much. I will be reading on the bed while wearing that pair and decide to go do something on the computer. I don't take the night stand glasses off, I wear them into the office because they are already on my face. Of course I get caught up on the computer for awhile and need to go downstairs. I take them off and leave them by the computer where they stay because I am not going to take them back into my room.
I change purses now and then so sometimes my glasses make it into the new purse and sometimes not. When I go to work I take a book bag instead and sometimes leave the glasses in the book bag. Sometimes the glasses are not actually in the case that is in the purse or book bag. I will go to put them on and find an empty case. Then I have to ask myself where did I have them last?? Having three pairs of glasses is supposed to make my life easier, but like the elusive fourth pair, I just have more to misplace.
Last night I took the muscle relaxant that my doctor gave me right before heading to bed. My usual night time routine is to read for thirty-sixty minutes before turning out the light. Sometimes my husband wants to read and other times he is annoyed because I am really into a good book and don't want to turn out the light. Last night he was reading. I was going to but my glasses were not on the night stand where they were supposed to be. I could have gotten up and foraged in the office to find them. No, my medicine was kicking in and I didn't want to move. I was actually comfortable. My husband asked me why I wasn't reading. I could have told him the truth but that would have made me sound way too lazy. I also could have nicely asked him to go get my glasses, but why make him get up--that would make me feel even lazier. I told him I was too tired to read and that I just wanted to go to sleep. He read for thirty minutes and I couldn't sleep because of the light. I held my tongue. I didn't complain, I didn't do the heavy sigh that he does when he is annoyed. I just relaxed and let my brain wander. I think I even wrote a chapter of my book in my head though of course I forgot all of it since I didn't write it down.
Maybe I will look for that fourth pair of glasses and put them in the night stand drawer. It couldn't hurt to have a spare next to the bed in case I ever feel too lazy to fetch my glasses again. Maybe I will clean my desk as well so that two pairs of glasses don't get buried and need to be dug out. As for the purse pair, I will have to keep working on that one til I get it right. I will have to have a rule of actually checking the case before putting it into a purse or bag. Maybe I need to stop thinking so much........
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Should I Stay or Should I Go?????
On Saturday morning I stepped in front of the sink to brush my teeth. As I leaned forward ever so slightly to get my toothbrush I was overcome by severe pain in my right hip. I barely bent forward, just a slight lean in and wham. I couldn't move for a few minutes. The sink is directly across from the shower. I managed to stumble into the shower and stood under very hot water for several minutes until I could stand straight again. It was 8:00am when the pain hit and I needed to be at work at 10:00. I work alone in a little shop where I clean furniture, move it around and sometimes help load it. Moving stuff out onto the sidewalk to display it entails at least some lifting. I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the day. Luckily my chiropractor works on Saturday. At 9:30 I found myself face down on his table being told that my back was swollen and that everything was off kilter. This happens when I have been under a lot of stress. 2013 hasn't been quite what I planned so far and there has been some stress. I had such grand plans for where I would be by now and what I wanted to have accomplished. No, I haven't lost 20 pounds, no I haven't gotten much done on the novel and no I haven't started doing yoga yet. I have yet to go on one hike, my meditation time is limited and the new eating program I keep meaning to implement keeps being pushed back. Yeah, it is one of those years. When I am stressed my back suffers, when my back suffers I feel older and chunkier and grumpier and my family walks on egg shells. Not fun!!
There is a lot of pressure when you work for a small company. When there are two of you that work in the store and you are scheduled certain days, you need to be there. I was hired to do a job. A job that I have been doing for seven months. I like my job. I like the people I work with, I like most of the customers, I like the moments of solitude. I don't like working every Friday when that used to be my day to go to lunch with friends. I don't like missing out on soccer games, parties, baby showers, classes and fun events that happen because I am working on weekends. It seems there are so many things that I want to do on weekends and I forfeit 50% of my weekends to my job. I knew that coming in and it hasn't bothered me until recently. On the flip side, I work 20 hours per week, I have Tuesday-Thursday to write, work on my group, run errands, etc. There are both good and bad parts to my schedule.
My overactive imagination sees my turning into this hunch backed old lady because I did too much lifting and mangled my back. My boss reminds me that we have a dolly and this handy thing on wheels that we use to move furniture. He reminds me that there isn't that much lifting and that it is a good workout. If done right it will keep me young. Will it keep me young? Is he just saying that because I am not totally incompetent and hiring someone new will be a total pain? I would think with the drama and stress of my life these past two months he would be happy to see me go and find someone a bit boring and even keeled to man the fort.
I need to work, even if it is minimum wage. I need around 20 hours per week to help out with the extras, the fun things beyond the bills that make life a little easier when you live paycheck to paycheck. I have had friends give me great ideas for other jobs. One is a phone job you do from home and set your own hours. Another is merchandising which can be flexible. I want a flexible schedule that allows me to still do the things I love like save the world, write a blog, plan events, work on my novel and search for my divine life purpose. I do have some sort of purpose though you would think that I would have figured it out by now. I am such a dreamer. One friend envisions me owning my own shop and being involved with the downtown community. I like that vision. Another friend can picture me being an event planner for McMennamins--what a great job that would be.
Maybe if I spend more time doing water aerobics or finally add yoga I can strengthen my back and stay where I am. Is this a wake up call to take better care of myself and get that extra weight off? If I leave this job Antone wants me to have another lined up. How can I line up another if I am going to have a group here this summer? Coordinating students takes up time and energy. The money from the students will get us through the summer, but when August ends I will need to be thinking of my next move. If this job is gone, what next? I planned my group so that I could do it in conjunction with my current job.
Today my back is killing me. I go back to the chiropractor tomorrow so we can try to bend me back into place. I will go to my regular doctor on Wednesday just to see if she has any clues as to whether I should stay or go. I don't want to make the wrong choice. I don't want to burn bridges. I don't want to leave my co-workers in a lurch if I fall down on the floor and can't get back up. Backs are a pain-- I have been living with Antone and his bad back for several years now. I have seen how a back can put you out of commission and make life miserable while it slowly heals. I don't want to add undo stress on mine, I only have one. But the question again is can I make it work? Should I stay or Should I go?? "If I stay there could be trouble, if I go it could be double".....you saw that coming--great song, but I don't remember if he ever decides before the last note what he is going to do. In true Clash fashion I will leave the question unanswered for now, not because I want to but because I really don't know what I am going to do yet. I promised my boss that I would decide before the week is out. I hope that the answer comes to me soon and it better be clear. A big sign in bright lights would be good--that would leave no room for a wrong interpretation!!! "This Indecision's bugging me, if you don't want me set me free; exactly whom I supposed to be? Don't know which clothes even fit me. Come on and let me know, should I cool it or should I blow?"
There is a lot of pressure when you work for a small company. When there are two of you that work in the store and you are scheduled certain days, you need to be there. I was hired to do a job. A job that I have been doing for seven months. I like my job. I like the people I work with, I like most of the customers, I like the moments of solitude. I don't like working every Friday when that used to be my day to go to lunch with friends. I don't like missing out on soccer games, parties, baby showers, classes and fun events that happen because I am working on weekends. It seems there are so many things that I want to do on weekends and I forfeit 50% of my weekends to my job. I knew that coming in and it hasn't bothered me until recently. On the flip side, I work 20 hours per week, I have Tuesday-Thursday to write, work on my group, run errands, etc. There are both good and bad parts to my schedule.
My overactive imagination sees my turning into this hunch backed old lady because I did too much lifting and mangled my back. My boss reminds me that we have a dolly and this handy thing on wheels that we use to move furniture. He reminds me that there isn't that much lifting and that it is a good workout. If done right it will keep me young. Will it keep me young? Is he just saying that because I am not totally incompetent and hiring someone new will be a total pain? I would think with the drama and stress of my life these past two months he would be happy to see me go and find someone a bit boring and even keeled to man the fort.
I need to work, even if it is minimum wage. I need around 20 hours per week to help out with the extras, the fun things beyond the bills that make life a little easier when you live paycheck to paycheck. I have had friends give me great ideas for other jobs. One is a phone job you do from home and set your own hours. Another is merchandising which can be flexible. I want a flexible schedule that allows me to still do the things I love like save the world, write a blog, plan events, work on my novel and search for my divine life purpose. I do have some sort of purpose though you would think that I would have figured it out by now. I am such a dreamer. One friend envisions me owning my own shop and being involved with the downtown community. I like that vision. Another friend can picture me being an event planner for McMennamins--what a great job that would be.
Maybe if I spend more time doing water aerobics or finally add yoga I can strengthen my back and stay where I am. Is this a wake up call to take better care of myself and get that extra weight off? If I leave this job Antone wants me to have another lined up. How can I line up another if I am going to have a group here this summer? Coordinating students takes up time and energy. The money from the students will get us through the summer, but when August ends I will need to be thinking of my next move. If this job is gone, what next? I planned my group so that I could do it in conjunction with my current job.
Today my back is killing me. I go back to the chiropractor tomorrow so we can try to bend me back into place. I will go to my regular doctor on Wednesday just to see if she has any clues as to whether I should stay or go. I don't want to make the wrong choice. I don't want to burn bridges. I don't want to leave my co-workers in a lurch if I fall down on the floor and can't get back up. Backs are a pain-- I have been living with Antone and his bad back for several years now. I have seen how a back can put you out of commission and make life miserable while it slowly heals. I don't want to add undo stress on mine, I only have one. But the question again is can I make it work? Should I stay or Should I go?? "If I stay there could be trouble, if I go it could be double".....you saw that coming--great song, but I don't remember if he ever decides before the last note what he is going to do. In true Clash fashion I will leave the question unanswered for now, not because I want to but because I really don't know what I am going to do yet. I promised my boss that I would decide before the week is out. I hope that the answer comes to me soon and it better be clear. A big sign in bright lights would be good--that would leave no room for a wrong interpretation!!! "This Indecision's bugging me, if you don't want me set me free; exactly whom I supposed to be? Don't know which clothes even fit me. Come on and let me know, should I cool it or should I blow?"
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Sticks & Stones.......
"Sticks & stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me." Oh the lies we told ourselves from a very young age. Bones heal much more quickly than broken hearts and low self-esteem. Words do hurt, they crawl into your subconscious and hide there. They torment you with self doubt, make you feel unworthy and cause you to question whether you deserve to be happy. We have to be careful with our words. If we throw them carelessly about we can cause serious damage.
I was recently cast as the Evil Witch in someone's fairy tale. That was hard for me because I was really trying hard for the role of Fairy God Mother. What a great role that would be. I wanted to use truth, friendship and love to help grant wishes. The problem was that the wishes I was willing to grant did not match up with the wishes they were wanting to receive. We both had our own interpretations of the tale and they did not even come close to matching up. My fall from Fairy God Mother to Evil Witch came quickly. I thought all was well, then words started hitting me hard and fast. Awful words, hurtful words that I would never dream of throwing at anyone--especially not a dear friend. Sometimes dear friends become hurt by the world and those closest to them suffer. We are left wondering what we are supposed to do. In this case I need to forget the words and hold tight to the memories. There is nothing that I can do right now. I won't compromise truth and love. Sometimes love means telling someone what they need to hear and not what they want to hear. If they aren't ready to hear it, then you need to back off. You also have to be willing to accept that they may never be ready.
Obviously I am hurt at the moment, but I need to really think about the situation. I need to let the words go. They were carelessly thrown and they are the perception of one person who at this point wants me to hurt because they are hurting. Not everyone processes pain the same way. Some direct it out so that it hits all of those within range while others hold it in and try to hide it. Everyone needs an outlet, I use writing and humor. It took me awhile to realize that burying it was doing way too much damage. You can only bury so much then it starts showing up here and there in other areas of your life.
Today I thought of all of the people who have come through my life. There have been so many wonderful souls who have either become permanent fixtures or have passed through leaving life lessons or warm memories. I have always wanted everyone to stay not realizing that there is only so much time in a day. I have a big heart, but not enough hours to nurture hundreds of friendships. There have also been some not so pleasant characters who for whatever reason left scars or sometimes just a bad taste. All of these people have helped form the person that I have become. I have had some great experiences and have so many happy memories. I will not let those memories be tarnished by life. If someone suddenly changes and wants you out of their life does that mean that we erase the memories? I have seen marriages crumble and friendships fall apart. What happens to the memories? Are we supposed to hit delete and banish all of the pictures that show happy times? I would hope not. I would hope that we would know that life is ever changing and that there were days in the sun. When we lose something we mourn, then move on.
Yep--a little melancholy today. A bit blue. The storm outside fits my mood nicely. It will pass, these moods always do. Sometimes I just need to help them along by acknowledging them. Sorry to take you along for the ride. In the meantime be truthful to yourself, be loving to your friends, find outlets for your pain and please use words carefully. It really is smart to stop and think before you open your mouth. Of course that doesn't always help. Sometimes the person listening is only going to hear what they want to hear. In that case all of the right words in the world won't matter...........
I was recently cast as the Evil Witch in someone's fairy tale. That was hard for me because I was really trying hard for the role of Fairy God Mother. What a great role that would be. I wanted to use truth, friendship and love to help grant wishes. The problem was that the wishes I was willing to grant did not match up with the wishes they were wanting to receive. We both had our own interpretations of the tale and they did not even come close to matching up. My fall from Fairy God Mother to Evil Witch came quickly. I thought all was well, then words started hitting me hard and fast. Awful words, hurtful words that I would never dream of throwing at anyone--especially not a dear friend. Sometimes dear friends become hurt by the world and those closest to them suffer. We are left wondering what we are supposed to do. In this case I need to forget the words and hold tight to the memories. There is nothing that I can do right now. I won't compromise truth and love. Sometimes love means telling someone what they need to hear and not what they want to hear. If they aren't ready to hear it, then you need to back off. You also have to be willing to accept that they may never be ready.
Obviously I am hurt at the moment, but I need to really think about the situation. I need to let the words go. They were carelessly thrown and they are the perception of one person who at this point wants me to hurt because they are hurting. Not everyone processes pain the same way. Some direct it out so that it hits all of those within range while others hold it in and try to hide it. Everyone needs an outlet, I use writing and humor. It took me awhile to realize that burying it was doing way too much damage. You can only bury so much then it starts showing up here and there in other areas of your life.
Today I thought of all of the people who have come through my life. There have been so many wonderful souls who have either become permanent fixtures or have passed through leaving life lessons or warm memories. I have always wanted everyone to stay not realizing that there is only so much time in a day. I have a big heart, but not enough hours to nurture hundreds of friendships. There have also been some not so pleasant characters who for whatever reason left scars or sometimes just a bad taste. All of these people have helped form the person that I have become. I have had some great experiences and have so many happy memories. I will not let those memories be tarnished by life. If someone suddenly changes and wants you out of their life does that mean that we erase the memories? I have seen marriages crumble and friendships fall apart. What happens to the memories? Are we supposed to hit delete and banish all of the pictures that show happy times? I would hope not. I would hope that we would know that life is ever changing and that there were days in the sun. When we lose something we mourn, then move on.
Yep--a little melancholy today. A bit blue. The storm outside fits my mood nicely. It will pass, these moods always do. Sometimes I just need to help them along by acknowledging them. Sorry to take you along for the ride. In the meantime be truthful to yourself, be loving to your friends, find outlets for your pain and please use words carefully. It really is smart to stop and think before you open your mouth. Of course that doesn't always help. Sometimes the person listening is only going to hear what they want to hear. In that case all of the right words in the world won't matter...........
Monday, March 18, 2013
Chasing my tail.....
Our puppy Rooney discovered his tail last week. When all else fails it is a wonderful toy. He chases it tirelessly and has such hopes of catching it. I laughed when I watched this for the first time until I realized that this funny thing the puppy was doing reminded me an awful lot of life lately. I seem to be going in circles chasing something that I'm not even sure I will ever catch.
When I became pregnant with my second child I decided to give up my career in travel and work sporadic part-time jobs in order to spend more time with the kids. I wanted to be able to have a flexible schedule so that I could be there when needed. As a result I have a whole lot of things that I am mediocre at, but nothing that I really excel at doing. Now that the kids are older and I want to work a little more, I am having trouble finding my place in the world. I want to be doing something that I really like. Something that lets me use my creativity, allows me to think outside the box and makes me feel like I have accomplished something worthwhile. I do a lot of volunteer work that I enjoy, but unfortunately we are at a point where I need to bring home at least a small paycheck.
In the past I have worked as an education assistant and with exchange students. I am good at these things, but my heart isn't in them. I keep circling back to them because they are comfortable. I want to step away from my comfort zone and find something that I feel proud to be doing. I have been watching the non-profits, I have been looking at help wanted ads, websites and asking around. How do I explain what I want when I don't even know?
It sounds pretty crazy. I want a part-time job with flexible hours that allows me to use the talents I have. What talents do I have? Good question!! We are back to the mediocre stuff--I am sufficient on the computer, I know enough about social media, I am organized, I do excel a bit at communication-both written and verbal and I am a great team player. I have an Associates, but not a Bachelors--the employers seem so specific in their qualifications. Some people look great on paper, but then have no common sense. I have common sense, I have life experience, but how do you make that look good on paper. I am a writer, but I can't seem to write myself a decent resume'.
I took a test once in a career development class that was supposed to take your talents and desires and give you the ideal job. I got Funeral Director, Light House Keeper and Dance Instructor. I can't dance, so that is out. There aren't any lighthouses in Oregon City for me to keep and I'm pretty sure you have to go to college to be a funeral director. Maybe not, but I haven't run into any openings at funeral homes. Event Planner would be right up my alley. Yes--writer is obvious, but I am not sure where to start. I work on my blog, I putter with the novel, but it never goes anywhere. Most likely because I am not sure where it is supposed to go. The world out there is big and crazy. It caters to young, idealistic people with a lot of ambition and more often than not a degree. I am a soccer mom with no self esteem. I need to stop using that as a crutch and find a way. I may be older and wiser, but I am not dead yet. I do have value and should be able to contribute something somewhere.
I have a book buried around here somewhere called "Do What You Love and the Money Will Follow". What do I love? I'm not loving chasing my tail. I am tired of being in a rut. I need to find some energy, get inspired and make something happen. I need to figure out what I am passionate about. What do I love to do? I don't need to make a lot of money but I do need to feel like I am contributing to my family and to society in some way.
As I have been sitting here typing this Rooney has been chasing his tail. Yes, he is bored again. The other dogs are locked safely away with the kids sleeping. Rooney has been banished because of his energy. It is making my dizzy just watching him. He actually caught it for a second. He looked both surprised and confused then dropped it. I hope that when I finally catch mine I will know what to do with it.
When I became pregnant with my second child I decided to give up my career in travel and work sporadic part-time jobs in order to spend more time with the kids. I wanted to be able to have a flexible schedule so that I could be there when needed. As a result I have a whole lot of things that I am mediocre at, but nothing that I really excel at doing. Now that the kids are older and I want to work a little more, I am having trouble finding my place in the world. I want to be doing something that I really like. Something that lets me use my creativity, allows me to think outside the box and makes me feel like I have accomplished something worthwhile. I do a lot of volunteer work that I enjoy, but unfortunately we are at a point where I need to bring home at least a small paycheck.
In the past I have worked as an education assistant and with exchange students. I am good at these things, but my heart isn't in them. I keep circling back to them because they are comfortable. I want to step away from my comfort zone and find something that I feel proud to be doing. I have been watching the non-profits, I have been looking at help wanted ads, websites and asking around. How do I explain what I want when I don't even know?
It sounds pretty crazy. I want a part-time job with flexible hours that allows me to use the talents I have. What talents do I have? Good question!! We are back to the mediocre stuff--I am sufficient on the computer, I know enough about social media, I am organized, I do excel a bit at communication-both written and verbal and I am a great team player. I have an Associates, but not a Bachelors--the employers seem so specific in their qualifications. Some people look great on paper, but then have no common sense. I have common sense, I have life experience, but how do you make that look good on paper. I am a writer, but I can't seem to write myself a decent resume'.
I took a test once in a career development class that was supposed to take your talents and desires and give you the ideal job. I got Funeral Director, Light House Keeper and Dance Instructor. I can't dance, so that is out. There aren't any lighthouses in Oregon City for me to keep and I'm pretty sure you have to go to college to be a funeral director. Maybe not, but I haven't run into any openings at funeral homes. Event Planner would be right up my alley. Yes--writer is obvious, but I am not sure where to start. I work on my blog, I putter with the novel, but it never goes anywhere. Most likely because I am not sure where it is supposed to go. The world out there is big and crazy. It caters to young, idealistic people with a lot of ambition and more often than not a degree. I am a soccer mom with no self esteem. I need to stop using that as a crutch and find a way. I may be older and wiser, but I am not dead yet. I do have value and should be able to contribute something somewhere.
I have a book buried around here somewhere called "Do What You Love and the Money Will Follow". What do I love? I'm not loving chasing my tail. I am tired of being in a rut. I need to find some energy, get inspired and make something happen. I need to figure out what I am passionate about. What do I love to do? I don't need to make a lot of money but I do need to feel like I am contributing to my family and to society in some way.
As I have been sitting here typing this Rooney has been chasing his tail. Yes, he is bored again. The other dogs are locked safely away with the kids sleeping. Rooney has been banished because of his energy. It is making my dizzy just watching him. He actually caught it for a second. He looked both surprised and confused then dropped it. I hope that when I finally catch mine I will know what to do with it.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Someone Broke My Rose Colored Glasses.......
As far as rose colored glasses go, I think I kept mine on far longer than was necessarily healthy. I have always wanted to see the good in everyone and still look for that silver lining. There are times when the rose colored glasses get in your way --sometimes we need to see the truth no matter how ugly it is.
I have learned a lot this past week about perceptions. My perceptions, the perceptions of those around me and even those of complete strangers. I have stepped outside of my safe little box and tuned in to the world around me.
Once upon a time I believed that love, friendship and kindness could conquer all. I hid behind a smile that I plastered on no matter how grim I felt inside. If I kept up a positive front, laughed when I wanted to cry and didn't upset the apple cart, then things would be okay. I learned early to sweep unpleasant things under the carpet and how to sugar coat things so that no one was ever overly offended. The thought of offending anyone, hurting someones feelings or having someone mad at me was just too much. I wanted to world to love me and to be able to help people to find happiness in any circumstance.
Cruel words, being snubbed and having people genuinely not like me has always hurt. I take things personally, never feel good enough and try hard to fix things that I may never be able to fix. My energies are spent on things that probably don't really matter in the long run. There will always be people who don't like me, there will always be those who snub me and people will be cruel whether they intend to or not. Not everything is about me.
I can still be kind, I can still laugh and I can still look for the good. I just have to remember that I won't always find it. I need to help where I can and admit when something is bigger than I am. It is okay to let go, to walk away and to choose a healthier path for myself. I have been blessed with good friends who all fill different needs. There are those who make me laugh, those who let me vent, those who are wise and share their wisdom with me and those who will be there no matter what. Many of my friends are all of those things. That is the kind of friend that I strive to be as well.
I have had to ask myself if my need to help others is directly related to my ego. Egos can get in the way sometime and being aware of what is driven by love and what is driven by ego is an important lesson. Helping others is ingrained in me. It is part of who I am. I can see where at times it becomes ego. Those would be the times when I have done everything possible and don't want to admit defeat because that would make me feel or look bad. It isn't about me. Helping others is about them. When it becomes about me, that is when I know that the ego is involved.
As usual I am ranting away with no direction and no real thought process. I have just been learning lesson after lesson this year and sometimes need to just write it out in order to make sense of it all. I am learning who I am, what I need to work on and hopefully I will find which direction I want to go. I had always thought that by this point in my life that direction would be obvious. I never realized that I would be 47 years old, feel 19 half of the time and still wonder what it is that I really want from life. I want to be happy, to help others, to love and be loved and to make enough money to get by. I don't need to be rich. I would like to be out of debt. I would like to be able to travel now and then. I have thought about being a life coach or counselor of sorts. I would like to help people rediscover their dreams, reinvent themselves as the people they want to be and to rewrite their story to include a happy ending. In order to achieve that I need to be able to do it with myself first.
Life is always giving us lessons, we are constantly changing and growing. Some of us get caught in the current and circle around making the same choices over and over. When I look at jobs I seem to go right back to education assistant or exchange student positions. That is what I have done and that is where my comfort level is. I have learned a lot from those positions, but I want to expand. I want to do something new. That means stepping out of the comfort zone, letting go of fears, not letting my ego guide me and forgetting the perceptions I have about myself. I am the one who is holding myself back. There are so many possibilities. I always think my ideas are too big, my dreams unrealistic and that I am getting to old. I need to refocus, leave the rose colored glasses behind and look to the future. If I need to write a blog every few days to give myself direction, so be it. I will type away whatever thoughts come to mind and I will eventually figure it out.
I have learned a lot this past week about perceptions. My perceptions, the perceptions of those around me and even those of complete strangers. I have stepped outside of my safe little box and tuned in to the world around me.
Once upon a time I believed that love, friendship and kindness could conquer all. I hid behind a smile that I plastered on no matter how grim I felt inside. If I kept up a positive front, laughed when I wanted to cry and didn't upset the apple cart, then things would be okay. I learned early to sweep unpleasant things under the carpet and how to sugar coat things so that no one was ever overly offended. The thought of offending anyone, hurting someones feelings or having someone mad at me was just too much. I wanted to world to love me and to be able to help people to find happiness in any circumstance.
Cruel words, being snubbed and having people genuinely not like me has always hurt. I take things personally, never feel good enough and try hard to fix things that I may never be able to fix. My energies are spent on things that probably don't really matter in the long run. There will always be people who don't like me, there will always be those who snub me and people will be cruel whether they intend to or not. Not everything is about me.
I can still be kind, I can still laugh and I can still look for the good. I just have to remember that I won't always find it. I need to help where I can and admit when something is bigger than I am. It is okay to let go, to walk away and to choose a healthier path for myself. I have been blessed with good friends who all fill different needs. There are those who make me laugh, those who let me vent, those who are wise and share their wisdom with me and those who will be there no matter what. Many of my friends are all of those things. That is the kind of friend that I strive to be as well.
I have had to ask myself if my need to help others is directly related to my ego. Egos can get in the way sometime and being aware of what is driven by love and what is driven by ego is an important lesson. Helping others is ingrained in me. It is part of who I am. I can see where at times it becomes ego. Those would be the times when I have done everything possible and don't want to admit defeat because that would make me feel or look bad. It isn't about me. Helping others is about them. When it becomes about me, that is when I know that the ego is involved.
As usual I am ranting away with no direction and no real thought process. I have just been learning lesson after lesson this year and sometimes need to just write it out in order to make sense of it all. I am learning who I am, what I need to work on and hopefully I will find which direction I want to go. I had always thought that by this point in my life that direction would be obvious. I never realized that I would be 47 years old, feel 19 half of the time and still wonder what it is that I really want from life. I want to be happy, to help others, to love and be loved and to make enough money to get by. I don't need to be rich. I would like to be out of debt. I would like to be able to travel now and then. I have thought about being a life coach or counselor of sorts. I would like to help people rediscover their dreams, reinvent themselves as the people they want to be and to rewrite their story to include a happy ending. In order to achieve that I need to be able to do it with myself first.
Life is always giving us lessons, we are constantly changing and growing. Some of us get caught in the current and circle around making the same choices over and over. When I look at jobs I seem to go right back to education assistant or exchange student positions. That is what I have done and that is where my comfort level is. I have learned a lot from those positions, but I want to expand. I want to do something new. That means stepping out of the comfort zone, letting go of fears, not letting my ego guide me and forgetting the perceptions I have about myself. I am the one who is holding myself back. There are so many possibilities. I always think my ideas are too big, my dreams unrealistic and that I am getting to old. I need to refocus, leave the rose colored glasses behind and look to the future. If I need to write a blog every few days to give myself direction, so be it. I will type away whatever thoughts come to mind and I will eventually figure it out.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Family, Friends and Facebook..............
Today is one of those days that I am trying to quiet my busy mind. This will most likely be rambling--jumping from here to there as my thoughts take me in different directions. I would like some peace today, but have so much on my mind. Sometimes I think I should re-read what I wrote and edit it, but today I am just going to write. If there are typing errors, oh well. If I sound mental, oh well. Sometimes clearing your brain isn't really organized, it is just typing whatever comes.........
They say "Friends are the Family we would have chosen for ourselves". I was adopted into a large extended family with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Though I was loved and accepted I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. It is a feeling I have always had in the back of my mind. Finding a place to really belong in a group that accepts me for who I really am has been a constant search for me. I always feel like the funny acquaintance passing through to deliver a few laughs and a bit of wisdom. I have been known to tell long, comical stories to complete strangers in hopes of entertaining them. Be careful when feeding me wine! You never know what will come out of my mouth. I would so much like to be quiet and mysterious, but no, I am too chatty for my own good and want to win the approval of anyone I come in contact with. See--look at me, I am worthy. I'm not just a chunky soccer mom--if you peel away the layers you will find so many different things your head will spin.
I once believed that finding my birth family would make me feel more connected and part of something. I found A LOT of biological relatives. They are wonderful people and I am glad that they are in my life, but no light bulb went on. I didn't get that instant connection feeling that I sometimes get with complete strangers. I have meet people that I just connect with. Those people have come and gone, but many of my good friends have stayed. I have friends from grade school still who I can't imagine not having in my life. I also have friends that I have met recently who seem to be on the same path as me. It is nice to meet others who "get you" and don't have preconceived notions. Sometimes all that history is good and other times it can trip me up. Some people out there remember me from our school days. They never really knew me but had their own idea of who I was. Talk to different people and you will get completely different answers. I was nice, I was a bitch, I was funny, I was a slut, I was stuck up, I talked to everyone---etc. I really, really need to get over some things that happened in the past and move forward. Every time I think I have let them go, I find they are tripping me up again.
I spent the first 45 or so years of my life as a chameleon. No, I wasn't literally a lizard--I am good at blending in. I hate rejection and genuinely love people. I like meeting different types of people, hearing their stories and figuring out what makes them tick. I collect stories, I collect experiences, I collect friends. At times I overwhelm myself by all of the stuff I have collected in my head. I need to clean house every once in awhile. I have always shied away from conflict, have tried hard to please everyone and therefore really, honestly don't know what my political views are. I am not really interested in politics. If you want me to get uncomfortable really, really fast talk about politics or religion. Actually, please don't!
In the past few months I have been slowly changing. I have formed opinions of my own, learned to stand up for myself and have learned to tell people what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. This is huge for me. I have never wanted to ruffle feathers so I have tried to sugar coat things and make things seem better than they really are in fear of hurting people's feelings. I have probably done a disservice to my family, to friends and to others who needed the truth even when it was unsavory. There are ways to kindly share the truth. Speaking the truth will not all of the sudden make me a mean person. I like being nice, the world needs kindness. Though it seems kindness can be thrown back in your face. I have always taken things way too personally. If you offer kindness and someone cannot accept it, the problem is most likely not yours. You don't stop being kind if that is who you are, you learn to graciously walk away.
I have witnessed so much hatred, anger and fear. So many people want to blame others for where they are and how hard they have it. Blame does not remedy any situation. You can sit and argue and blame all you want, but things are not going to get better until you accept how things are regardless of how they got to be that way and find a solution. Being able to admit to mistakes and offering up solutions is much more positive than sitting around complaining. Negativity is a cancer that can steal your joy and make you bitter.
I have been asked by several people lately if I see any value in Facebook. It seems that there are a lot of bad things that happen on Facebook. A lot of bad things happen everywhere. Facebook is a tool that can be used for so much good if you choose to look at it that way. I have become closer to a few friends who I never would have really known if it wasn't for Facebook. I can think of at least three wonderful women who I look to for advice, encouragement and objectivity when I need it. These are women who were acquaintances before Facebook. Now I see them as true friends. I have also been able to give advice and encouragement. I try hard to post positive things that others may need to hear. I have used it to find shoes that I wanted, give away furniture, find host families, update my family on my life and to share pictures with friends. Facebook has allowed me to keep in touch with several of our exchange students who we have hosted over the years. I have found long lost relatives, friends from grade school who I have fond memories of and as I said, new friends who I count as major blessings in my life. I believe that sometimes we are meant to give things to the universe that may do good to others. There have been times when someone else posts a quote that I need so badly that day. I hope that I am able to do the same for others.
They say "Friends are the Family we would have chosen for ourselves". I was adopted into a large extended family with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Though I was loved and accepted I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. It is a feeling I have always had in the back of my mind. Finding a place to really belong in a group that accepts me for who I really am has been a constant search for me. I always feel like the funny acquaintance passing through to deliver a few laughs and a bit of wisdom. I have been known to tell long, comical stories to complete strangers in hopes of entertaining them. Be careful when feeding me wine! You never know what will come out of my mouth. I would so much like to be quiet and mysterious, but no, I am too chatty for my own good and want to win the approval of anyone I come in contact with. See--look at me, I am worthy. I'm not just a chunky soccer mom--if you peel away the layers you will find so many different things your head will spin.
I once believed that finding my birth family would make me feel more connected and part of something. I found A LOT of biological relatives. They are wonderful people and I am glad that they are in my life, but no light bulb went on. I didn't get that instant connection feeling that I sometimes get with complete strangers. I have meet people that I just connect with. Those people have come and gone, but many of my good friends have stayed. I have friends from grade school still who I can't imagine not having in my life. I also have friends that I have met recently who seem to be on the same path as me. It is nice to meet others who "get you" and don't have preconceived notions. Sometimes all that history is good and other times it can trip me up. Some people out there remember me from our school days. They never really knew me but had their own idea of who I was. Talk to different people and you will get completely different answers. I was nice, I was a bitch, I was funny, I was a slut, I was stuck up, I talked to everyone---etc. I really, really need to get over some things that happened in the past and move forward. Every time I think I have let them go, I find they are tripping me up again.
I spent the first 45 or so years of my life as a chameleon. No, I wasn't literally a lizard--I am good at blending in. I hate rejection and genuinely love people. I like meeting different types of people, hearing their stories and figuring out what makes them tick. I collect stories, I collect experiences, I collect friends. At times I overwhelm myself by all of the stuff I have collected in my head. I need to clean house every once in awhile. I have always shied away from conflict, have tried hard to please everyone and therefore really, honestly don't know what my political views are. I am not really interested in politics. If you want me to get uncomfortable really, really fast talk about politics or religion. Actually, please don't!
In the past few months I have been slowly changing. I have formed opinions of my own, learned to stand up for myself and have learned to tell people what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. This is huge for me. I have never wanted to ruffle feathers so I have tried to sugar coat things and make things seem better than they really are in fear of hurting people's feelings. I have probably done a disservice to my family, to friends and to others who needed the truth even when it was unsavory. There are ways to kindly share the truth. Speaking the truth will not all of the sudden make me a mean person. I like being nice, the world needs kindness. Though it seems kindness can be thrown back in your face. I have always taken things way too personally. If you offer kindness and someone cannot accept it, the problem is most likely not yours. You don't stop being kind if that is who you are, you learn to graciously walk away.
I have witnessed so much hatred, anger and fear. So many people want to blame others for where they are and how hard they have it. Blame does not remedy any situation. You can sit and argue and blame all you want, but things are not going to get better until you accept how things are regardless of how they got to be that way and find a solution. Being able to admit to mistakes and offering up solutions is much more positive than sitting around complaining. Negativity is a cancer that can steal your joy and make you bitter.
I have been asked by several people lately if I see any value in Facebook. It seems that there are a lot of bad things that happen on Facebook. A lot of bad things happen everywhere. Facebook is a tool that can be used for so much good if you choose to look at it that way. I have become closer to a few friends who I never would have really known if it wasn't for Facebook. I can think of at least three wonderful women who I look to for advice, encouragement and objectivity when I need it. These are women who were acquaintances before Facebook. Now I see them as true friends. I have also been able to give advice and encouragement. I try hard to post positive things that others may need to hear. I have used it to find shoes that I wanted, give away furniture, find host families, update my family on my life and to share pictures with friends. Facebook has allowed me to keep in touch with several of our exchange students who we have hosted over the years. I have found long lost relatives, friends from grade school who I have fond memories of and as I said, new friends who I count as major blessings in my life. I believe that sometimes we are meant to give things to the universe that may do good to others. There have been times when someone else posts a quote that I need so badly that day. I hope that I am able to do the same for others.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Frankie Says Relax.........
Oh to be one of those people who can just be laid back and calm all of the time. It seems my muscles are always in a knot and I am constantly thinking ahead to the next chapter. I am trying too hard to learn to live in the "now". I tend to over think just about everything and make things harder than they have to be. How hard can it be to just let go and float through life for a few days without worrying about getting tangled up along the way.
The master bedroom and master bath in our house have affirmations dotting the walls here and there. Reminders to relax, to simplify my life, to let go, to just be--maybe I need a tattoo on my forehead. I may have to resort to wearing sticky notes or get one of the retro "Frankie Says Relax" shirts that I can wear under my clothes like Superman. I can peak now and then to remember it is there and to remember that I am to become the queen of relaxation.
I saw Frankie Goes to Hollywood back in the 80's. It wasn't very relaxing either. I didn't want to go. A friend who I had been dating when he bought the tickets guilt tripped me into going. He made me pay for my ticket though I had no desire whatsoever to see them. I was more of a rock-n-roll girl; if I was going to see someone even remotely New Age it would have been Duran Duran, but no, I had to go see Frankie. We had seats on the floor level and the only song I knew was Relax. Was he a one hit wonder? I didn't pay enough attention to really know. I should have bought the damn t-shirt.
In college my friends thought maybe marijuana would help. It would mellow me out maybe. It didn't work. I became paranoid and had a mild panic attack. Maybe it was something in that particular marijuana, maybe not. Anyway, it didn't do the job and didn't make me want to go out and smoke more. Wine relaxes me, but it also muddles my mind. I can't think clearly and I get more silly--maybe more silly is just what I need.
Changing your habits and creating a new way of life is so much harder than it should be. Okay, nothing is supposed to be easy. I have just been at this for so long that I am getting tired. I let myself get tripped up by anything and everything. Oh, there are starving kids in Africa? I need to save them before I work on myself. Oh, the soccer team is doing a fundraiser--let me throw all of my energy into that for a few months. I throw myself completely and fully into helping anyone and everyone except myself. Is that a bad thing? I never used to think so. Now all of the sudden I am on a fast train to 50, I am still too chunky, still not relaxed, still not sure what I want to do with my life. There is a giant clock ticking and a long list of things I want to accomplish. I am in no way implying that I don't have time to accomplish these things. I just need to revise my list, decide what path I really want to take. I am used to choosing this path or that one because it is the one that people expect me to choose, or because it seems right at the time--I guess in a way I do go with the flow, but I am always paddling against it. A weak doggie paddle that doesn't get me anywhere unless it is in circles.
Mediation, Yoga, eating a healthier diet, getting more fresh air---all goals--all attainable. I need to stop overwhelming myself with extra responsibilities and carve out time to relax and enjoy life. Yes, maybe I will get hit by a bus tomorrow, maybe zombies will attack, maybe I will contract leprosy and be placed on an island far away. I can't let the what ifs, the used to bes and the regrets of the past block me from becoming who I want to be. I just have to figure out who that is.......so much easier said than done. Maybe if I could relax it would all come to me.
The master bedroom and master bath in our house have affirmations dotting the walls here and there. Reminders to relax, to simplify my life, to let go, to just be--maybe I need a tattoo on my forehead. I may have to resort to wearing sticky notes or get one of the retro "Frankie Says Relax" shirts that I can wear under my clothes like Superman. I can peak now and then to remember it is there and to remember that I am to become the queen of relaxation.
I saw Frankie Goes to Hollywood back in the 80's. It wasn't very relaxing either. I didn't want to go. A friend who I had been dating when he bought the tickets guilt tripped me into going. He made me pay for my ticket though I had no desire whatsoever to see them. I was more of a rock-n-roll girl; if I was going to see someone even remotely New Age it would have been Duran Duran, but no, I had to go see Frankie. We had seats on the floor level and the only song I knew was Relax. Was he a one hit wonder? I didn't pay enough attention to really know. I should have bought the damn t-shirt.
In college my friends thought maybe marijuana would help. It would mellow me out maybe. It didn't work. I became paranoid and had a mild panic attack. Maybe it was something in that particular marijuana, maybe not. Anyway, it didn't do the job and didn't make me want to go out and smoke more. Wine relaxes me, but it also muddles my mind. I can't think clearly and I get more silly--maybe more silly is just what I need.
Changing your habits and creating a new way of life is so much harder than it should be. Okay, nothing is supposed to be easy. I have just been at this for so long that I am getting tired. I let myself get tripped up by anything and everything. Oh, there are starving kids in Africa? I need to save them before I work on myself. Oh, the soccer team is doing a fundraiser--let me throw all of my energy into that for a few months. I throw myself completely and fully into helping anyone and everyone except myself. Is that a bad thing? I never used to think so. Now all of the sudden I am on a fast train to 50, I am still too chunky, still not relaxed, still not sure what I want to do with my life. There is a giant clock ticking and a long list of things I want to accomplish. I am in no way implying that I don't have time to accomplish these things. I just need to revise my list, decide what path I really want to take. I am used to choosing this path or that one because it is the one that people expect me to choose, or because it seems right at the time--I guess in a way I do go with the flow, but I am always paddling against it. A weak doggie paddle that doesn't get me anywhere unless it is in circles.
Mediation, Yoga, eating a healthier diet, getting more fresh air---all goals--all attainable. I need to stop overwhelming myself with extra responsibilities and carve out time to relax and enjoy life. Yes, maybe I will get hit by a bus tomorrow, maybe zombies will attack, maybe I will contract leprosy and be placed on an island far away. I can't let the what ifs, the used to bes and the regrets of the past block me from becoming who I want to be. I just have to figure out who that is.......so much easier said than done. Maybe if I could relax it would all come to me.
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