On Saturday morning I stepped in front of the sink to brush my teeth. As I leaned forward ever so slightly to get my toothbrush I was overcome by severe pain in my right hip. I barely bent forward, just a slight lean in and wham. I couldn't move for a few minutes. The sink is directly across from the shower. I managed to stumble into the shower and stood under very hot water for several minutes until I could stand straight again. It was 8:00am when the pain hit and I needed to be at work at 10:00. I work alone in a little shop where I clean furniture, move it around and sometimes help load it. Moving stuff out onto the sidewalk to display it entails at least some lifting. I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the day. Luckily my chiropractor works on Saturday. At 9:30 I found myself face down on his table being told that my back was swollen and that everything was off kilter. This happens when I have been under a lot of stress. 2013 hasn't been quite what I planned so far and there has been some stress. I had such grand plans for where I would be by now and what I wanted to have accomplished. No, I haven't lost 20 pounds, no I haven't gotten much done on the novel and no I haven't started doing yoga yet. I have yet to go on one hike, my meditation time is limited and the new eating program I keep meaning to implement keeps being pushed back. Yeah, it is one of those years. When I am stressed my back suffers, when my back suffers I feel older and chunkier and grumpier and my family walks on egg shells. Not fun!!
There is a lot of pressure when you work for a small company. When there are two of you that work in the store and you are scheduled certain days, you need to be there. I was hired to do a job. A job that I have been doing for seven months. I like my job. I like the people I work with, I like most of the customers, I like the moments of solitude. I don't like working every Friday when that used to be my day to go to lunch with friends. I don't like missing out on soccer games, parties, baby showers, classes and fun events that happen because I am working on weekends. It seems there are so many things that I want to do on weekends and I forfeit 50% of my weekends to my job. I knew that coming in and it hasn't bothered me until recently. On the flip side, I work 20 hours per week, I have Tuesday-Thursday to write, work on my group, run errands, etc. There are both good and bad parts to my schedule.
My overactive imagination sees my turning into this hunch backed old lady because I did too much lifting and mangled my back. My boss reminds me that we have a dolly and this handy thing on wheels that we use to move furniture. He reminds me that there isn't that much lifting and that it is a good workout. If done right it will keep me young. Will it keep me young? Is he just saying that because I am not totally incompetent and hiring someone new will be a total pain? I would think with the drama and stress of my life these past two months he would be happy to see me go and find someone a bit boring and even keeled to man the fort.
I need to work, even if it is minimum wage. I need around 20 hours per week to help out with the extras, the fun things beyond the bills that make life a little easier when you live paycheck to paycheck. I have had friends give me great ideas for other jobs. One is a phone job you do from home and set your own hours. Another is merchandising which can be flexible. I want a flexible schedule that allows me to still do the things I love like save the world, write a blog, plan events, work on my novel and search for my divine life purpose. I do have some sort of purpose though you would think that I would have figured it out by now. I am such a dreamer. One friend envisions me owning my own shop and being involved with the downtown community. I like that vision. Another friend can picture me being an event planner for McMennamins--what a great job that would be.
Maybe if I spend more time doing water aerobics or finally add yoga I can strengthen my back and stay where I am. Is this a wake up call to take better care of myself and get that extra weight off? If I leave this job Antone wants me to have another lined up. How can I line up another if I am going to have a group here this summer? Coordinating students takes up time and energy. The money from the students will get us through the summer, but when August ends I will need to be thinking of my next move. If this job is gone, what next? I planned my group so that I could do it in conjunction with my current job.
Today my back is killing me. I go back to the chiropractor tomorrow so we can try to bend me back into place. I will go to my regular doctor on Wednesday just to see if she has any clues as to whether I should stay or go. I don't want to make the wrong choice. I don't want to burn bridges. I don't want to leave my co-workers in a lurch if I fall down on the floor and can't get back up. Backs are a pain-- I have been living with Antone and his bad back for several years now. I have seen how a back can put you out of commission and make life miserable while it slowly heals. I don't want to add undo stress on mine, I only have one. But the question again is can I make it work? Should I stay or Should I go?? "If I stay there could be trouble, if I go it could be double".....you saw that coming--great song, but I don't remember if he ever decides before the last note what he is going to do. In true Clash fashion I will leave the question unanswered for now, not because I want to but because I really don't know what I am going to do yet. I promised my boss that I would decide before the week is out. I hope that the answer comes to me soon and it better be clear. A big sign in bright lights would be good--that would leave no room for a wrong interpretation!!! "This Indecision's bugging me, if you don't want me set me free; exactly whom I supposed to be? Don't know which clothes even fit me. Come on and let me know, should I cool it or should I blow?"
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