Today is one of those days that I am trying to quiet my busy mind. This will most likely be rambling--jumping from here to there as my thoughts take me in different directions. I would like some peace today, but have so much on my mind. Sometimes I think I should re-read what I wrote and edit it, but today I am just going to write. If there are typing errors, oh well. If I sound mental, oh well. Sometimes clearing your brain isn't really organized, it is just typing whatever comes.........
They say "Friends are the Family we would have chosen for ourselves". I was adopted into a large extended family with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Though I was loved and accepted I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. It is a feeling I have always had in the back of my mind. Finding a place to really belong in a group that accepts me for who I really am has been a constant search for me. I always feel like the funny acquaintance passing through to deliver a few laughs and a bit of wisdom. I have been known to tell long, comical stories to complete strangers in hopes of entertaining them. Be careful when feeding me wine! You never know what will come out of my mouth. I would so much like to be quiet and mysterious, but no, I am too chatty for my own good and want to win the approval of anyone I come in contact with. See--look at me, I am worthy. I'm not just a chunky soccer mom--if you peel away the layers you will find so many different things your head will spin.
I once believed that finding my birth family would make me feel more connected and part of something. I found A LOT of biological relatives. They are wonderful people and I am glad that they are in my life, but no light bulb went on. I didn't get that instant connection feeling that I sometimes get with complete strangers. I have meet people that I just connect with. Those people have come and gone, but many of my good friends have stayed. I have friends from grade school still who I can't imagine not having in my life. I also have friends that I have met recently who seem to be on the same path as me. It is nice to meet others who "get you" and don't have preconceived notions. Sometimes all that history is good and other times it can trip me up. Some people out there remember me from our school days. They never really knew me but had their own idea of who I was. Talk to different people and you will get completely different answers. I was nice, I was a bitch, I was funny, I was a slut, I was stuck up, I talked to everyone---etc. I really, really need to get over some things that happened in the past and move forward. Every time I think I have let them go, I find they are tripping me up again.
I spent the first 45 or so years of my life as a chameleon. No, I wasn't literally a lizard--I am good at blending in. I hate rejection and genuinely love people. I like meeting different types of people, hearing their stories and figuring out what makes them tick. I collect stories, I collect experiences, I collect friends. At times I overwhelm myself by all of the stuff I have collected in my head. I need to clean house every once in awhile. I have always shied away from conflict, have tried hard to please everyone and therefore really, honestly don't know what my political views are. I am not really interested in politics. If you want me to get uncomfortable really, really fast talk about politics or religion. Actually, please don't!
In the past few months I have been slowly changing. I have formed opinions of my own, learned to stand up for myself and have learned to tell people what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. This is huge for me. I have never wanted to ruffle feathers so I have tried to sugar coat things and make things seem better than they really are in fear of hurting people's feelings. I have probably done a disservice to my family, to friends and to others who needed the truth even when it was unsavory. There are ways to kindly share the truth. Speaking the truth will not all of the sudden make me a mean person. I like being nice, the world needs kindness. Though it seems kindness can be thrown back in your face. I have always taken things way too personally. If you offer kindness and someone cannot accept it, the problem is most likely not yours. You don't stop being kind if that is who you are, you learn to graciously walk away.
I have witnessed so much hatred, anger and fear. So many people want to blame others for where they are and how hard they have it. Blame does not remedy any situation. You can sit and argue and blame all you want, but things are not going to get better until you accept how things are regardless of how they got to be that way and find a solution. Being able to admit to mistakes and offering up solutions is much more positive than sitting around complaining. Negativity is a cancer that can steal your joy and make you bitter.
I have been asked by several people lately if I see any value in Facebook. It seems that there are a lot of bad things that happen on Facebook. A lot of bad things happen everywhere. Facebook is a tool that can be used for so much good if you choose to look at it that way. I have become closer to a few friends who I never would have really known if it wasn't for Facebook. I can think of at least three wonderful women who I look to for advice, encouragement and objectivity when I need it. These are women who were acquaintances before Facebook. Now I see them as true friends. I have also been able to give advice and encouragement. I try hard to post positive things that others may need to hear. I have used it to find shoes that I wanted, give away furniture, find host families, update my family on my life and to share pictures with friends. Facebook has allowed me to keep in touch with several of our exchange students who we have hosted over the years. I have found long lost relatives, friends from grade school who I have fond memories of and as I said, new friends who I count as major blessings in my life. I believe that sometimes we are meant to give things to the universe that may do good to others. There have been times when someone else posts a quote that I need so badly that day. I hope that I am able to do the same for others.
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