Oh to be one of those people who can just be laid back and calm all of the time. It seems my muscles are always in a knot and I am constantly thinking ahead to the next chapter. I am trying too hard to learn to live in the "now". I tend to over think just about everything and make things harder than they have to be. How hard can it be to just let go and float through life for a few days without worrying about getting tangled up along the way.
The master bedroom and master bath in our house have affirmations dotting the walls here and there. Reminders to relax, to simplify my life, to let go, to just be--maybe I need a tattoo on my forehead. I may have to resort to wearing sticky notes or get one of the retro "Frankie Says Relax" shirts that I can wear under my clothes like Superman. I can peak now and then to remember it is there and to remember that I am to become the queen of relaxation.
I saw Frankie Goes to Hollywood back in the 80's. It wasn't very relaxing either. I didn't want to go. A friend who I had been dating when he bought the tickets guilt tripped me into going. He made me pay for my ticket though I had no desire whatsoever to see them. I was more of a rock-n-roll girl; if I was going to see someone even remotely New Age it would have been Duran Duran, but no, I had to go see Frankie. We had seats on the floor level and the only song I knew was Relax. Was he a one hit wonder? I didn't pay enough attention to really know. I should have bought the damn t-shirt.
In college my friends thought maybe marijuana would help. It would mellow me out maybe. It didn't work. I became paranoid and had a mild panic attack. Maybe it was something in that particular marijuana, maybe not. Anyway, it didn't do the job and didn't make me want to go out and smoke more. Wine relaxes me, but it also muddles my mind. I can't think clearly and I get more silly--maybe more silly is just what I need.
Changing your habits and creating a new way of life is so much harder than it should be. Okay, nothing is supposed to be easy. I have just been at this for so long that I am getting tired. I let myself get tripped up by anything and everything. Oh, there are starving kids in Africa? I need to save them before I work on myself. Oh, the soccer team is doing a fundraiser--let me throw all of my energy into that for a few months. I throw myself completely and fully into helping anyone and everyone except myself. Is that a bad thing? I never used to think so. Now all of the sudden I am on a fast train to 50, I am still too chunky, still not relaxed, still not sure what I want to do with my life. There is a giant clock ticking and a long list of things I want to accomplish. I am in no way implying that I don't have time to accomplish these things. I just need to revise my list, decide what path I really want to take. I am used to choosing this path or that one because it is the one that people expect me to choose, or because it seems right at the time--I guess in a way I do go with the flow, but I am always paddling against it. A weak doggie paddle that doesn't get me anywhere unless it is in circles.
Mediation, Yoga, eating a healthier diet, getting more fresh air---all goals--all attainable. I need to stop overwhelming myself with extra responsibilities and carve out time to relax and enjoy life. Yes, maybe I will get hit by a bus tomorrow, maybe zombies will attack, maybe I will contract leprosy and be placed on an island far away. I can't let the what ifs, the used to bes and the regrets of the past block me from becoming who I want to be. I just have to figure out who that is.......so much easier said than done. Maybe if I could relax it would all come to me.
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