Who are you? Are you my Who?

I recently picked up a book that is NOT by Dr. Seuss though it kind of sounds like it could be.   "The Power of Who" came to my attention when I learned about it during a recent speech.  We were at an event when all of the sudden things quieted down for some type of presentation.  I was distracted as usual until I was nudged and told that I was needed near the microphone.  I love being behind the scenes and making the magic happen.  I don't like being in the limelight.  True to form I cried as my friend Tammie told the group that I was her "who".   She had read a book by Bob Beaudine that states you already know everyone that you need to know in life.  Mixed into all of those people is the one that is going to push you and make you accomplish things that you couldn't have accomplished otherwise.  I was not the one with the vision, I was not the one putting in the work--all I did was cheer Tammie and her husband on, offer my assistance and put key people into place who could help her to achieve a goal that others told her was not possible.  They built a soccer club for a very special group of kids that no one else wanted to build a club for.  I was touched that she put so much stock into my minor role in the endeavor. When giving it more thought I actually decided that I was proud to have been named as her "who".  I would like to be a professional "who"~steering people in the right direction and patting them on the back when they cross the finish line.  I genuinely love people and want the world to live happily ever after.  Being a who is kind of like being Santa, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy all in one.  Who's are rock stars--I am The Who. Who would have thought?  Sorry, I went off on a "who" tangent.  This whole who thing is pretty awesome.

I picked up the book because I had to know more about what a who was and how I could get one for myself.   Of course anyone who knows me knows that I have a couple of shelves full of great Non-Fiction, self-help, affirmation types of books that I mean to read and then don't.  I like their titles, I love the names of the chapters and I really like the thought of reading them.  I just don't make the time.  I put them aside and dive into fiction because fiction is just so much less work.  What's ironic is that I would like to write a few of these books but who would read them?  They would be bought by well meaning people like me and sit on shelves like mine.

I am going to carve out some time for The Power of Who. According to the acknowledgements and the table of contents (the two parts of the book I've actually read so far) I have a whole army of who's already!  Maybe you are one of them!!  I need to dig deeper.  I find myself once again at a crossroads with more questions than answers.  I have stood at this same crossroads more times than is healthy and I would like to choose right this time.  I have decisions to make and goals to map out.  I am surrounded by cheerleaders, but none of them know exactly what to cheer for since I'm always spinning in circles and chasing shiny objects.   It is time to slow down, sit down, do some evaluating and actually finish reading this book and a couple of others on my shelves.  Reading them can't hurt anything and they just might help.

When I learn about who's, what's, when's and why's I will write another part to this post.  I will shower you with all kinds of information and encouragement.  If you are really interested in it you may not want to wait for me and grab the book for yourself.  The author states that he found himself at a time in his life where he gave himself permission to stop dreaming and start doing.  I think it's about time that I give myself that same permission as well.  In the meantime go out there and be somebody's who!  Helping others achieve their goals and dreams is amazing!  Tammie~I have no doubt that you are one of my who's!

Shoe Shopping Blues...........

Once upon a time I was a young average sized girl with normal average size 8 feet.  I had all of the shoes I could ever want and then some.  I lived blissfully unaware of the fact that pregnancy and weight gain do a number on your feet as well as the rest of your body.   With each pregnancy my feet grew a 1/2 inch.  They sort of spread out and turned into these size 9.5 wide Fred Flinstone feet that sometimes required a 10.  My square feet didn't much like cute pointy shoes or high heels.  Luckily for me I love Converse and flats.  I had to ditch all of my old shoes and start over again.  Several years ago I found a pair of clogs that I really liked.  They were comfortable and they gave me some height.  I don't necessarily have a problem with being 5'5", but most of my nicer jeans are long and adding a few inches gives me a false sense of looking a tiny bit slimmer.  Height/weight proportion  is something that a pair of three foot heels might help with, but in my mind just adding those few inches helps just enough to keep me happy.  The clogs were awesome, simple and amazingly comfortable.  Like many things, they wore out in time.  The staples holding them together started coming out.  There were only so many times that my husband could play shoemaker and hammer them back together.  Sadly one day when they were around six or seven years old they had to be retired to the Goodwill pile.  I promised myself I would find another pair.  That was over two years ago.

My closet is comprised of several pairs of cute flats, way too many pairs of tennis shoes, an assortment of flip flops (formerly known as thongs) and two pairs of boots that I really like.  There is also a pair of black heels hidden somewhere that I really can't wear but keep just in case someday they magically fit better.  Maybe if I lose weight my feet will too and some of the shoes that seem tight might suddenly be okay.  It could happen!  What my closet is lacking is a tall pair of clog like shoes that I can wear with my jeans when it is jeans day at work ~the day we can wear jeans if we dress them up a bit.  I think they call it business casual or something.  I actually get texts from my new job telling me I can wear jeans sometimes when it is not Friday!  That is awesome--I love wearing jeans.  Yes--I am off track!  I ordered a pair of clogs a few months back from Zulily.  I got a great deal on a pair of Danskos and of course because I ordered them online I didn't try them on beforehand.  I've had great success with shoes form Zulily before and figured all would be well.  The Danskos came and they were not your standard clogs, they had a back.  I tried to put them on, ready for the nice leather to stretch and form to my foot.  Somehow I transformed into one of the ugly step sisters trying on the glass slipper.  My foot would not contort to fit into the shoe.  At one point I sort of got them on~I thought if I could only get my foot to fit I could stretch them.  The cramps in my feet were so bad that I couldn't keep my foot in them to do any stretching.  Today was a Jeans day at work and my new jeans are too long, I pulled the Danskos out of the closet and nothing has changed.  I couldn't figure out what the issue was.  I was sure that I checked the size chart right.  The sizes are European.  It turns out that I misread the chart and was trying to squeeze my big feet into an 8.5.  Damn non refundable shoes, damn size chart, damn me for not reading it right--they are perfect and they will never fit my feet.   Back to the drawing board.  I took my depressed self shoe shopping during my short lunch break today.  I thought that if I could find a cute pair of clog like shoes that would fit and look good with my jeans my mood would improve.  There was more toe scrunching and misery.  It seems that style doesn't even like my foot when I try a 9.5 or 10.  I need backless clogs--the normal kind that used to be easy to find.  Tonight I talked my husband into taking me to two  more stores--no luck.  Now I am bound and determined to find the perfect shoe.  Of course he is not sympathetic since in his mind I have a zillion shoes and so what if they are all flat and my jeans drag on the ground--roll them up.

I will not let my failure to procure shoes today get me down. It may not be tomorrow, it may not even be next week, but some day soon I will find the shoes that I am looking for.  They will be cute, they will fit comfortably and they will look amazing with my jeans.  When I wear them I will look an eensy, teensy bit thinner and that will give me confidence.  Silly I know--I shouldn't let shoes dictate my mood, but sometimes I can't help it.  I'm a girl!!  Even ugly step sisters with Fred Flinstone feet deserve cute shoes!!!

Bah Humbug.......kind of........

I am NOT the Grinch.  I love Christmas, okay, love is a strong word.  I like Christmas, just not as much as others and not as early as some people in the world.  Today is September 30th~tomorrow my favorite month begins.  Please let me enjoy the crisp fall air, crunchy leaves, pumpkin flavored treats, wearing sweaters and all of the joys of October before you start in with the holiday cheer.  I started a new job last week.  I really think I'm going to like it.  I have learned a lot and am starting to feel comfortable.  Well, I was feeling comfortable until today when I realized that I didn't have the heart to ask one of my co-workers to turn off the Christmas tunes.  I get it--she's had a rough week and was trying to cheer herself up.  Eat chocolate like the rest of us.  Couldn't she annoy me with show tunes instead--those are upbeat!  As I sat in the too warm office listening to Silent Night this afternoon I did have some Scrooge thoughts dancing through my head instead of sugar plums.  To everything there is a season, Christmas is in the winter!I know it was a long summer but I refuse to skip fall!!

I'm a little slower than most to warm up to Christmas.  I start to get a little excited on December 1st.  I am seldom able to enjoy it sooner because I find the hype of Black Friday and the fact that it has now taken over Thanksgiving out of character for what it is all supposed to mean.  How can we be thankful and enjoy family members when a certain faction of them are trying to scarf down the bird so they can hurry and get in line at the mall for the newest gadgets?  I can't feel warm fuzzies when I am watching news footage of yet another death by stampede at Walmart over low priced electronics.  I guess it is safe to say that I have become jaded.  I am quick to notice the greedy gleam in the eyes of those looking to profit off the holiday. The people who drop loads of cash on the hot ticket items so they can run home and list them for astronomical amounts on E-bay forcing frazzled parents to pay way too much out of sheer desperation. I realize that higher profit margins are good for the economy and keep people in jobs.  It isn't good for my morale.  I actually went through a phase of dreading the whole thing~the pressure to come up with amazing gifts on a tight budget helped me do a number on my credit rating.  Who needs good credit when all of the relatives are reasonably happy.  Half of them probably returned my thoughtful gifts but that is all part of the season now. The goodwill and good cheer of holiday lore have been replaced by rude, annoyed or frustrated souls caught in the trap of consumer lust and blatant commercialism.  I am giving myself a headache and my mood is darkening just thinking about it.  If only my co-worker knew the havoc she wreaked on my psyche today.

There are those who still understand the meaning of Christmas;  people who remember magical memories and the ways that certain traditions made them feel.  I am trying very hard to get back to that.   I am working on actually liking Christmas again.  I would have an easier time liking it if it wasn't shoved down my throat earlier and earlier each year.  I don't need a countdown in July.  I don't need to see it on the shelves in August and I don't need to be listening to carols at the end of September.  Bah Humbug--I know.  I have friends who adore it and I respect that.  I envy them in a way.  Just respect me when I say that all things are good in moderation.  Christmas moderation should start after Thanksgiving and your lights should be down by the middle of January.  I do give kudos to those who find ways to make their lights work for other holidays throughout the year.  While I'm at it, I may as well say that leaving your wreath on your door until summer when it is brown and looks like a fire hazard annoys me as well.

Happy October my friends!  Eat a cranberry bliss bar at Starbucks (yes more consumerism), drink a hot cocoa for me and pray for my sanity!!  I think it is safe to say that though I am most likely certifiably insane I am harmless and sometimes just have to rant in a blog to amuse myself.  If I can keep from getting too annoyed, I may actually send some Christmas cards this year.  I'm not going to get ahead of myself though.  Chances are I may be done with Christmas by the end of October at this rate!!

Reevaluating and Redirecting......

Life is a journey. Time and again I find myself sitting in front of the computer trying to find the right words to describe where I am and where I am going.  It may seem redundant to many of you.  I mean enough already, I am beginning to get a bit bored with my struggles to become the person that I want to be.  It is hard though.  I have spent years with faulty wiring and am now trying to undo the damage that negative self talk has done to me.  Maybe some of you are in the same boat.  Stuck and wanting to change but not knowing how.  It should be easy, but I am one damn stubborn woman and my subconscious self is not easy to get past.  I have been in a funk this summer.  I would like to be sitting here writing something funny to make you all laugh, but instead I am boring myself to tears with the same old, same old of not yet being where it is that I want to be.  I will reevaluate the past few months, list any faults that I find then start fresh tomorrow with a clear slate and a new path.  Good things are coming for all of us, we just have to keep pressing forward.

After reading over some of my most recent blogs, they all seem to sound a bit the same.  They are part of my journey right now as I work to stop the negative self talk that has become a habit over the years.  It does seem as if I have been swimming in molasses these past few months, but small changes are occurring and I am learning more about who I am, where I am and which direction I want to go from here. As I get ready to start the empty nest chapter of my life it has been important to me to look ahead to where I am going and to make sure that where I am is where I really want to be.  We get one shot at life and I want to  make it to the end of mine knowing that I followed the path that I wanted to follow and that just maybe I did some good along the way.

I came into the summer months with a long list of big changes that I was planning to make.  The list remains the same with no marked progress.   September is here and I don't weigh any more or less, I sporadically list my food on my Weight Watchers App, I wear my fit bit about once a week when I know I will be walking a lot and the projects around the house are still waiting for me to start them.   I have learned that this is life. You set out with certain intentions but get sidetracked by reality more often than not.   The lack of progress would have had me feeling like a failure this time last  year.  In the past I have made big goals and then have beat myself up when they don't come to fruition.  It seems that it is completely normal for people to have high expectations for themselves and then do a mental beat down when they fail.  I habitually set myself up for failure.  This summer I may not have ticked things off of my to do list but I did learn some important lessons.  Listing your weaknesses and really taking a look at your flaws is not a negative thing.  Accepting your quirks is actually very positive and can lead you to a healthier place mentally.   I have stated before that I spent the majority of my life being a "pleaser".   Call it a suck up, an ass kisser, a peace keeper an ambassador of goodwill or whatever you want to call it.  I wanted everyone to like me and to not offend anyone.  I absolutely hate confrontation and drama and try to avoid it at all costs.  I have found myself drawn into drama just because I was too nice too not let myself get sucked in.   Being "too nice" can get you into trouble and lead you into places you don't really want to be.  It is amazing how quickly being polite can backfire on you.

I am not saying that I'm going to stop being nice and polite or that I'm going to tell the world to "bite me".  I believe in kindness and good.  I am just taking time to be aware of other perspectives and to allow myself to step away from situations that could destroy my peace of mind.  We get caught up in 'shoulds'.  Recently the proverbial light bulb went off in my head.  When you are listening (or not) to the spiel they give you before take off about making sure that you securely fasten the air mask on yourself before assisting those around you including your own children they are not telling you to be selfish.  They are telling you that if you are incapacitated by polluted air then you can't help anyone else.  I love helping people but I have to be in a healthy and positive place in my own life if I really
want to make an impact.

I've spent my summer reevaluating my goals and what I want the second half of my life to look like.  We are constantly growing and changing so it is important to take a break to see if you are on the right path.  Switching directions can be a bit scary.  We tend to get comfortable treading water and forget that there was once a destination we were traveling to.  My friends and family will tell you that I get sidetracked by shiny objects a lot!  I have been knocked off the trail a few times and it sometimes takes me awhile to regroup and move forward.

I have let many things in my life be roadblocks instead of stepping stones.  My lack of a four year degree, my distaste for math, my chunkiness and my not so young anymore age have been excuses this past year for allowing myself to get stuck.  This past month has been about refocusing on the possibilities and learning what it is that I really want in life.  By reading books and articles, meditating on certain thoughts and making lists I do feel that progress is being made.  I am getting closer to realizing what it is that I want to accomplish and what I want to add to my life to help me with these accomplishments.  I have learned about my downfalls and skewed ways of thinking that have held me back and not allowed me to progress.  I have found that focusing on one thing can be difficult when my mind is full and always busy.   Visualizing what you want your life to look like and planning  the steps to take to get you there are imperative.  This visualization will not look the same for each person.  We are individuals so what works for you as a tried and true method may not work at all for me.  Finding your own special formula is the key.   We all want the magic potion or easy formula but because we are all so different it can't be a cookie cutter fix.  One ingredient that we all need is to believe that it is possible.  I know that saying that you need to believe sounds cliche' but it is true.  Our mindset is so much more powerful than we know and changing negative thoughts into positive ones is not as simple as it sounds.  One way to test yourself on this is to think of a new idea or situation that is coming your way.  Are you excited about the possibilities or are you scared to death and worried about everything that could go wrong?  I can sometimes be the queen of the worse case scenario thinking.  This is not good.  I need to quit tripping over the "what ifs" and grab the bull by the horns.  I miss that fearless girl that I was a long time ago.  I want to find her again--she is buried in there somewhere.

I am currently working on being both positive and grateful.   Some may think that I am hitting that middle aged place where certain women suddenly become "new age".   There really isn't anything "new" about many of the principles and practices that are labeled "new age".  Many of these things have been around for hundreds of years and are proven time and again.  As I stare down "50" and make friends with my flaws I find that I have so many things in my life to be thankful for.  We can get caught up thinking about the things that we don't have or that we haven't done and then forget to look at all of the amazing things we have accomplished.  My life is far from perfect, but it is mine.  I am healthy regardless of my chunkiness, I have an amazing family and awesome friends.  I am rich in so many ways that have nothing to do with my net worth or education level.

I am leaving my job this week.  I love the people there but not the work.  There is also a level of drama that is affecting me in a negative way.  I am overly empathetic, when there are problems I want to fix them.  I sometimes start drowning in other peoples issues.  I care too much, want to help too badly and end up doing serious damage to myself.  I get frustrated when I'm unable to do enough.  The problem is that I was not put here to fix everyone's problems.  People have to fix themselves.  How can they learn and grow if someone swoops in and helps them?  Sometimes they don't even want help and are a bit annoyed that I would even presume that they did.  I have to step back and remember that my job is to plant seeds, show kindness and to love unconditionally.  Not everyone will like me and not everyone will appreciate my own unique sense of quirkiness.  It doesn't matter.  All that matters is that I let go of the past, forget any labels that have been issued to me by others and strive each day to be a better version of me.

I am tempted to tell you that I am worried about my new job, how I will fit in, if I will like it.  I am learning to be positive and grateful though so instead I will tell you that in less than two weeks I am starting a new chapter.  My youngest will move out and I will start a new job.  It is a job that I did not envision for myself but I will go in there and be thankful that they see something in me that makes them believe that I will be phenomenal.  I will learn new things and meet new people.  I will accomplish my goals in my own time and in my own way.  I may even write a few of the funny blogs in my head that I haven't written because I'm worried they will offend someone.  People will judge, people will be offended; there will be drama and conflicts will happen occasionally.  I will survive them all and not take anything personally.  I will keep my focus on the good.  Life is a journey.....

Speaking of Perceptions.........

It is funny how things seem so clear in your own mind until someone questions  your intentions.  I learned this morning that what I thought were awesome posts with wise words that may help others were actually sending out red flags to some regarding my own well being.  For someone whose past few blogs have referred to perceptions, I am pretty clueless at times.   This is a reminder that what seems perfectly clear in our own minds is not necessarily clear to those around us.  Sometimes what we say and what we do can send mixed messages to those who may not be around us daily.

I am so very thankful to have friends who know me well and call when they are worried about my well being.  I have a history of depression and anxiety.  I can assure you all that as far as those things go, I feel that I am in a really good place right now.  I am extremely bored at work and that leads to too much time in my own head and me trying to find constructive things to do for nine hours.  I used to spend a lot of time reading the news.  That is not healthy for me.  The news is filled with gloom and doom.  I am working on positive thinking~gory details and sensationalized headlines are a complete and total buzz kill.

As many of you know, I recently tried for an amazing job that I felt was tailor made just for me.  It was with a small non-profit that works in all of the schools in Oregon.  I made it far in the process and was given a lot of positive feedback even though I didn't get the job.  Since the final decision came down I have a boss whose well meaning (I think) comments are starting to wreak havoc with my self-esteem.  When you couple those comments with my not so stellar interview that happened this week I have to admit that I did struggle again for a few days with those old insecurities.

I have spent the past few years working on the spiritual side of myself.  I have grown a lot as a person and feel that I am stronger in many ways.  A friend of mine has a sister who is a well known psychic.  She is known as the "common sense" psychic and lives in California.  This past weekend she was in town to lead a class at a bookstore in downtown Portland.  A friend and I decided to go to the class so that I could finally meet her.  Think what you want to about psychics but I believe that we are all intuitive and that we all have gifts.  At the class I was told a couple of things that made sense.  The first being the most obvious in my life right now.  I am not where I'm supposed to be job wise.  I am in a position that doesn't utilize my strengths and skills and it is beginning to bring me down mentally.  I need to be busy, I need to feel like I am making a difference~this job doesn't require much out of me at all.  Sometimes they tell you things that you already know but don't really want to hear.   She told me that I put too much stock in what others think of me.  This is something that I have known about myself for awhile now and have been working on.  I used to pretty much wear a mask all of the time to hide my real self from the world because I hate conflict and didn't want to offend anyone.   A few years ago I realized I wasn't even sure I had my own opinions.   In many areas of my life I have opened up and shown my true self without caring what others think.  My biggest insecurities have to do with my employment and my body image.   These are where I feel I still seek confirmation from others as to my self worth.  I am aware of this and am working on it, but in the middle of a job search it is easy to lose site of the progress made.

After the class I had a minute or two to talk to Phyllis while she was signing my book.  She made the suggestion of me becoming a life coach.   I have thought of that before but have felt that my empathetic nature may draw me in too much.   I did have a talk with God, Jesus, my guardian angel, my spirit guides and the universe on my way home.  I told them that I knew the right job was out there for me but that I needed help finding it.  People talk about receiving signs.  I reminded them that I am clueless at times; if they plan on sending a sign please make sure it is really big, neon and flashing bright lights so that I don't miss it.  On Monday I typed "life coach" in on Craig's List.  A job popped up.   It said "Life Coach Coordinator".   I thought to myself that this could be a sign.  I e-mailed over my resume' and set up an interview with the staffing agency that was filling the position. I thought to myself that this could be it.  This job could be the one that I was meant to have because it had a lot of the same tasks as the one at OSAA but worked with job and life coaches.  I walked in full of confidence with my head held high.   It's funny how you can be so full of self-esteem one minute and then feel like something on the bottom of someones shoe the next.   I know that I could do the job and that I would rock it.  They took a look at me and reflected in their eyes I suddenly saw that I was older and heavier than they had expected and  that I wasn't as educated as they would have liked. Is that really what they were thinking?  Maybe--maybe just a tone in their voice brought my biggest insecurities down all around me.  I kept my head up and thanked them knowing that the staffing service had found me lacking and therefore I wasn't going to have the opportunity to even tell anyone how perfect I was for the position.

This is a year of transitions and life changing events for me.  I am strong, I am loved and I am worthy.  I will find the right job, I will be healthier no matter what size I am and I will not be wearing any masks.  I am rich beyond measure when it comes to family and friends.   I will continue my spiritual path, continue to find joy every day and continue to turn anything negative in my life to something positive.   I will also work on perceptions.  I will give people second chances, I will not let first impressions define those I meet and I will continue to be kind.   If ever I post eleven affirmative posts on Facebook in one day again it is okay to question me.  It is okay to worry about my well being.  Just know that I am probably just bored and not realizing that I am sending mixed messages.

Open to Interpretation

Someone recently complained to me about the Facebook page of an acquaintance that irritated them because it seemed like they were always bragging about how great their life was.  I have seen hundreds of Face Book pages and individuals are free to use them however they see fit.  Some people use FB to keep friends and relatives updated on their lives and others use it to find friends from the past they've lost touch with.  There are those who use it as a forum for their business, some as a place to vent, a place to brag, a place to seek ideas, and encouragement.  There are predators, scam artists and unsavory people there as well.  Whatever a persons reason for being on social media, they do have the right to post whatever they choose.  You have the right to read it, or not.  Thankfully you have options.  You can unfollow anyone at anytime and still keep them as friends.  By not following them you do not see their updates unless you make a conscious choice to visit their page.  If they are really that irritating remove them from your friends list.  You can even block people if you feel that is necessary.   I personally have only blocked known scam artists with fake accounts.  

I look at most people's pages as a high light reel.   You go to the movies and see previews for coming attractions.  Some movies look awesome until you actually go to see it and find out that all of the best parts were in the preview and all you were left with was kind of a slow, mundane film that you could have waited to see on Net Flix. I really can only speak to my own page.  It is a place for me that I happen to share with hundreds of other people.  I post my adventures, photos I want to share with family and friends, things that inspire me and memories I want to keep.  It is both a scrapbook and a place to inspire myself and others.  I am on the quest to be the best person that I can be.  I have suffered from depression and anxiety off and on over the years.  There are times when I want to barricade in my house and read books for weeks.  I make myself go out and spend time with friends, do things that are outside my comfort zone and I try to get others to do the same.  

I try very hard not to judge others.  It is hard sometimes.  We live in a society that judges people every day.  I grew up putting labels on everyone else because that is what we do.  In order to file individuals away in our brain we put little tags on them to help us remember who they are.  In doing this we sometimes relegate them into a little box that has nothing to do with who they really are.  We are so much more than actions we took in high school or an opinion that we once expressed that didn't sit right with those around us.  We judge a persons character by one mistake or a perception we were given by someone else.  We may be missing out on wonderful people because we can't get past a physical flaw or an instant impression that we made.

Sometimes instant impressions are reliable.  We are all intuitive; some a little more than others.  We recognize personality traits that may not be compatible with our own and we walk away.  This is fine and healthy.  What isn't healthy is telling others not to friend someone because of your personal perception.   I read an article last week that really made me think.  It talked about people whose energy repulses you.  I have met a few people in life that I can not handle being around.  In some cases they are energy suckers, vampires that drain me and leave me feeling weak and emotionally exhausted.  Others have an energy that I really don't like.  The article talked about the latter-the ones who have energy we don't like.  It suggested that we don't like them because we recognize a trait in them that we ourselves have and don't want.  I mentally listed the few people who I feel this way towards and found some truth to it.

Bringing this all back around to social media and the way that we use it.  I suggest that you make an effort to leave a positive imprint.  Don't leave passive aggressive remarks, don't fuel the fire on ignorant comments and save the drama for a different forum.  There are so many wonderful and positive people out there posting.  Making the choice to stay away from the negative posts; the anger filled, accusatory, hate filled rants that fear mongers like to use to incite rage is the first step.  Don't let your first impression of a person or a situation be the deciding factor on where you stand.  First off you don't have to choose a side.  If you are compelled to be drawn in make sure that you have checked the facts and looked at both sides.  If you don't know enough about the situation stay quiet.  Misconceptions and skewed interpretations lead to something going viral that is based completely on emotion and has nothing to do with facts.  There are some very unhappy people who troll the internet looking for a fight.  They hide behind their anonymity and delight in anarchy.  I have been sucked in by people like this before and don't like the way that it makes me feel.

This is my rant for the day.  I am not even sure if it makes sense.  I just know that everything in life is open to interpretation.  Everything is a choice.  The choices we make will inevitably define who we become.  My goal is to project love and light which isn't always easy in a world addicted to darkness.

Rediscovering, Reinventing and Rewriting the Journey

Hello, name is Lana Luke and I am addicted to hoarding Non-Fiction Self-Help books.  I think I am going through some kind of mid-life crisis.  I have some great books that I am sure would be very helpful in enlightening me on how to meet my many goals.  The issue it that I need to actually open them!  Reading the titles gives me some ideas, but reading them might actually teach me something.
 Heck, if I would just take a stack and lift them twenty times per day with each arm I would probably get a decent work out.  I love reading; I just happen to love reading really good fictional books with colorful characters who sweep me away to a different world where I can traipse around for awhile and forget what is piling up in my own world.  If I open one of the non-fiction books it is going to want me to actually do something that will make a change.  I am great at making big changes for a day or two but then fall back into my old, comfortable habits because I am too busy to actually have to think about implementing those changes daily.  Being "too busy" is my way of coping.  I fill my time with other commitments so I don't have to deal with my own issues.

I guess a key word in that last paragraph was "Big".  I try to make "Big" changes.  We are creatures of habit so it is hard to change those habits even when we know deep down inside that change is the only thing that is going to save us.  I know all about making small goals and then adding in small changes here and there.  I actually have made some small changes this year and am building on them.  I just haven't yet opened any of the books on my self-help shelf.  I also have made my list of goals so big that just looking at it overwhelms me.  I tell myself I just have to make a few small changes, but that damn list is huge and how do I choose which ones?  First goal~get out of my own head and quit overthinking everything!

One of the books that I'm sure is completely awesome is about using blogging as therapy.  I believe I have blogged about this before.  Blogging is my way of unloading the stuff in my brain that just won't seem to go away.  That stuff in the way back that is stubborn and tickles my subconscious self.  It makes me always feel like I'm forgetting something important or that I am missing a big puzzle piece that would miraculously give me insight into my divine purpose.  Wouldn't it be nice if our divine purpose in life was stamped on the inside of our thigh or placed somewhere obvious so we wouldn't miss it?  Why didn't I come with clear, easy to read instructions?  My wiring is off a bit so having instructions that only pertained to me would be very helpful.

One of the goals that I have had and haven't followed through on is trying to blog at least once a week.  This is doable if I actually put it on the calendar and make myself do it.  Once upon a time, not so long ago I took a stress management class.  I liked it so much I took the follow up as well.  I lived my life by the principles for a few years and saw a difference in my attitude, my weight and my energy level.  I let a couple of set backs derail me and here I am again--floundering a bit.  My attitude is decent but the weight and energy level need a lot of work.  I became complacent and lost site of my goals.  I actually started to question what those goals were and decided that I didn't even know myself anymore.  We all grow and change, it is great when we are actually award of it happening.

I started my blog page a few years back.  It is floating out there in cyberspace.  A few people read it now and again.  I haven't made any real attempts to grow it.  I re-post everything on my Facebook Page so a few people actually read it.  I titled it "Rediscovering, Reinventing and Rewriting" because I realized that sometimes in life you need to step back and really look at who you are as opposed to who you want to be.  It is all a matter of perspective.  I feel that many people have me packed away in a little box with a simple label.  I label myself sometimes.  We should never be labeled.  There is more to everyone than the opinion you form on your first glance.  The goal of the blog was to help myself  "Rediscover" who I am under all of those labels;  "Reinvent" myself so that I can be who I choose to be and then "Rewrite" my story.  By rewriting I don't mean that the facts themselves need to be changed.  Rewrite it showing a different perspective.  I spent a lot of years not liking parts of that kid I used to be or the girl who made some really stupid decisions.  I blamed her for a lot of things.  When I step back and look at my past from an adult point of view and take the facts into consideration I see things in a whole new light.  Remember that bad stuff that happened in the past--leave it there.  If you have to take it out and examine it, look at it from a different angle and rewrite it that way.   That may be a topic for a whole different blog.....

If I'm going to make changes before I'm too old and feeble to care, I need to start again now.  Taking words like "try", "attempt" and "maybe" out of the equation and using a resounding "I am going to" will make all of the difference in the world.  We all flounder now an then.  We all fall and have to get back up.  I need to make sure my recovery time is a little quicker this time around.  It is great to make a list of goals if you are actually planning to achieve them.  Many things look good on paper~they look even better when you can check them off as accomplished.  My office is filled with lists--time to clean it out and start fresh.

I recently purchased a new kind of book~a planner.   I have a planner every year.  I use them religiously and have had the same brand for years.  My trusty, favorite planner is being discontinued.  I had to log onto Amazon and find something else that would fit my needs.  You can imagine my surprise and delight when I found "The Inner Guide Planner" for 2015-16.  Forgive me as I turn into an infomercial for a product that I think is awesome!  It is a 12 month guide that gives you places to set weekly and monthly goals.  There is space to envision what you want to accomplish and how you want your life to look.   There are guides to living a more fulfilling life, questions for self-discovery and other tools that can keep you on track if you open the damn book and use them.  I solemnly swear to use my new planner as a valued tool in making this next year full of positive changes.

I will use my blog to help perpetuate the journey and to keep me on track.  I could use some fellow travelers to chime in now and again.  I encourage anyone who wants to take a spiritual path to finding peace, happiness, inner strength or whatever you are looking for to join in.  I have a Facebook group page that I titled "Journey to Health, Happiness and Balance".  It has been around for awhile and I post things somewhat regularly.  I will start using it more now.   I may even crack open a few of those self-help books and see if any of them are worth mentioning in future posts!

Sea Glass

Many of us become collectors of sorts in life.  I collect sea glass.  It is a very small collection that I keep in an antique bottle in my bathroom window.  I could spend hours on  rocky beaches looking for these tiny treasures that were once garbage.  Sea glass is broken glass that has been tossed and turned by the ocean until the sharp edges are smoothed out. The small stone looking piece of glass left behind is soft and reflects the light.  There is no value in sea glass~just beauty.  I relate to sea glass because I love metaphors.  I have been cracked and broken a few times~most of us have.  Those of us who stay broken have sharp edges. Since we've been discarded by old loves, friends, family, etc.... it is easy for us to feel like useless trash.  We aren't trash.  Each one of us has the ability to become a treasure. By believing in ourselves and not letting the perspective of others define us we are capable of so much more than we realize.  I have let time and the ebb and flow of life smooth my edges.  I try hard to reflect light so that others can see that even old, broken garbage can add beauty to the world. Open your heart and your mind to the possibilities~shine bright.

The Soccer Mom, Love Your Neighbor, Liberal Agenda......

I can't think of anyone out there who would describe me as having an agenda.  I have gone to great lengths to avoid conflict and drama of any kind.   A few years ago I realized that I was a cross between a golden retriever and a chameleon.  I put a lot of energy into blending in and trying to please everyone.  I found that I was mentally, physically and spiritually tired.  I also felt that I was hitting that dreaded mid-life crisis that I thought was a myth.  I have spent the past twenty-five years being the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, etc.  that I can be but couldn't answer the simple question of who are you really?  Who am I?  You would think that would be easy enough to answer.  I have been me for my entire life so I should know me better than anyone.  I went on a quest to figure out who I am, what I like and what I really want for the third quarter of my life.

This quest has been a bit draining to say the least.  I have had some ups and downs and really feel that I have gotten myself stuck.  Lately I have not liked myself very much because I have some things figured out in my head but can't seem to get the rest of me to follow along.  I'm stubborn.  The biggest obstacle in my life right now is me.  I have even made a list of things about myself that annoy me and need to be changed.  What does any of this have to do with anything?  Good question.  As usual this may just be a random rant to clear my overwhelmed brain.

Those of you who know me may know that I have three different pages on Facebook.  I am one of those people who actually see the good in social media.  I know the bad but choose to use it regardless because written communication is a passion of mine and Facebook allows me to write, share thoughts and ideas, connect people and to try to spread love and kindness.  Besides my personal page I have my blog page which is "Lana Luke" and then an alumni page that I started several years ago to help with finding people for our class reunions.  The alumni page was never meant to be more than a tool to stay connected with my classmates.  Facebook would not allow me to put the numbers 84 in the title because it is supposed to belong to a person and CHS Bruins 84 is not a name.  The page has grown and is now a place where alumni of all ages can connect and share information. I hadn't really given a whole lot of thoughts to the ramifications of what I post.  There were weeks and sometimes months when I didn't even check in.  Last week I was happy for some of my friends who are going to finally be able to get married.  I changed my profile picture to depict the rainbow colors on both of my pages.  There was backlash on the alumni page.  You can imagine my surprise when a couple of people complained.  They thought that making a personal statement on a public page was not PC.   I realized that there were people on the page that had no idea what the page was even for or who ran it.  I tried to change the name of the page to make it look less official.  I wanted to add my name or even the word unofficial.  Facebook wouldn't let me.  I then did something that I never dreamed I would do.  After being accused of supporting a liberal agenda and censoring posts on a public page I let out a little temper tantrum rant.  I will share the rant with you so that you will see that it wasn't anything too bad~just not my usual flying under the radar behavior:

I started this FB page for the class of 1984. I was looking for a way for us to be able to keep in touch and to get news out to one another regarding reunions, news about achievements and losses. We are a close knit group and have stayed so over the years. Others became friends with the page, so I though what the heck--if others want to be on here and connect as well so be it. I don't have the time, the desire or the energy to be attacked for anything I do or don't do on this page. It is pretty ridiculous. Aren't there better things for people to be doing? I am at a point in my life where I have worked through a lot of anxiety, depression and all of that crap that people go through every day in order to find that what others think really doesn't matter at the end of the day. I spent years tiptoeing around trying not to offend everyone. Guess what--just being who you are ALWAYS offends someone no matter how hard you try.

When you say Christian that brings a lot of different emotions out in people. Everyone has their own perception of what a Christian is. My relationship with God is exactly that--MY Relationship. He knows my heart, He knows my thoughts and He knows my intentions. I don't need to be attacked by rants claiming I am part of an agenda. Yes--I let it get under my skin. I believe some people like to get under the skin of others just to stir the pot for their own sick and twisted amusement.

This page is LANA STEPHENSON LUKE'S page that is NOT directly affiliated with Columbia High School. It is a place where if you choose, you can come, see pictures of people from your past, find old friends, ask questions that I try to find answers to and get information out about reunions, jobs, funerals, etc. It is NOT a place to attack anyone else, including me; to rant against White Salmon, CHS, Teachers, Alumni, Other people's views, ETC. I am happy to have any and all that have a problem with that hit the DEFRIEND button and start their own page somewhere else.

Though Facebook is Social Media and is Public--this page was built by me, it is maintained by me and I would go ahead and delete it all today if it weren't for the many positives that have come from it. This page has brought lost family members together, given some vital information to those who have asked and has shared good information. If you are looking for it to be something else, then look somewhere else.

It is never my intention to offend people, I hate drama (this whole thing is way too much drama for me), I avoid conflict because I am not wired for it and I really dislike politics. I believe everyone has the right to be who they are, love who they like and to answer to God in the end. I am human-I make mistakes, I am mostly clueless on a lot of things--what I do know is that I hate bullies and ranting against me when you don't know me and making me cry makes you a bully.

Needless to say, this rant generated a lot of comments which have been very positive and kind.  I feel bad though because I wasn't looking for attention--I just didn't like being accused of having an agenda and couldn't understand why this stranger was attacking me.  He doesn't know me but he was making generalizations about who I was and what I believe.  Dude--I don't even know what I believe half of the time so how can you profess to know?  I did the exact thing that I didn't want to do-I created drama.

One thing that I have learned about myself is that I am okay with the way that I am wired.  I can always wish that I was thinner, smarter, prettier and all of that, but I am who I am.  I am quirky, too talkative at times, too sullen at times, happy, depressed, dark, light, too curious, very empathetic and thanks to this guy I guess I can say that I'm liberal.  He used the word like it was an evil four letter word that I should be ashamed of.  I had to Google it (remember the wish I was smarter remark).  I knew what liberal meant, but I wasn't sure why he was using it as a curse so thought I better check in case there were other meanings.   

   lib·er·al

ˈlib(ə)rəl/

adjective

1. 1.

   open to new behavior or opinions and willing to discard traditional values.

   "they have more liberal views toward marriage and divorce than some people"
2. 2.

   (of education) concerned mainly with broadening a person's general knowledge and experience, rather than with technical or professional training
3. 
   

I see nothing wrong with being liberal.  I like to think outside the box.  It doesn't mean that I don't appreciate traditional views and that I am not traditional in some aspects of my life.  I am open-minded.  Do I think all of you need to be open-minded?  It would be nice, but maybe you aren't wired that way.   I don't hold your views against you, I just might not always agree. We can't all agree all of the time--that would be weird.  The beauty of being wired differently is that we learn and grow by being aware of differences and learning to respect those differences.    I am probably somewhat if not mostly liberal but the only agenda I have is to better myself as a person.  To me things aren't all black and white.  There are so many shades of gray in this world.  You can argue and say there aren't which is fine--maybe to you my grays don't exist.  Perception is different in every individual.     

What I know about myself:   I need to lose weight, I have a big heart, I am an empath, I am a Christian but have trouble with organized religion because I feel that many of them are too busy micromanaging people and miss the bigger message, I dislike politics and seldom vote, I love to read, I enjoy writing but seldom give myself the time to do it, I love making people laugh and smile, I believe that kindness can change the world, I hate scary movies, I cry when I watch the news, I worry about my kids more than I need to, I genuinely love people and want everyone to be happy, I hate injustice, I hate seeing people treat any living thing cruelly, I love animals, I like chocolate way too much, I need to appreciate my husband more, I can be extremely lazy when it comes to domestic issues, I get overwhelmed often and need to have more faith in my capabilities.   Okay--there is more, but I think I've used up enough space on that.

Life is short.  We all answer to God in the end.  It is time for people to stop reacting to things without trying to see both sides.  I worry about the state of our country too, but not for the same reasons as everyone else.  I worry about the children who are starving, the growing gap between the rich and the poor, gang violence, the fact that we pay entertainers way more than we pay teachers, the amount of influence the media has on public opinion, our health and the environment.  People spend way to much time pointing fingers, laying blame and saying that we are all going to Hell because the people who have always smoked pot can now smoke it legally and my gay and lesbian friends can now get married.  Isn't their marriage something that they can take up with God when they meet him?  You personally are not going to Hell because of things that other people do and worrying about it isn't a productive use of your time. Crap--I just said too much and had thoughts that don't blend in with everyone around me.  Maybe there is hope for me--maybe I can own a belief and not be ashamed of it.  Oh great--now I sound like I have an agenda.   Disregard all of this and just hug your family, love one another, be kind and be happy.  There are things more evil in this world than liberals and worse things that I could be called.       

Trudging up the path.......

I have been neglectful of my blog for awhile now.  I am working hard to let go of the negatives in my life and concentrate on the power of positive thinking.  There are times when no matter how hard we try, we can't seem to find our way.  I have been seemingly stuck for awhile now.  I haven't wanted to rehash my ongoing battles and bore everyone.  I suppose that writing about struggles does help those who are also struggling.  Some issues take a little longer to overcome than others.  In this society of instant gratification, what may seem like a drawn out struggle may simply be a season of slow change.  I need to rewire my thinking in order to see the positives of my daily battles which are mainly waged against myself.

It is said that patience is a virtue~I believe that flexibility is as well.  It is so easy to envision the perfect path for yourself; but not so easy when you keep slipping off the trail and falling on your butt.  Our vision of that perfect path and reality are sometimes two very different things.  Though I believe in free will, I also believe in fate. There are greater things on the horizon than we can imagine for ourselves.  What is best for me is most likely something that I haven't even conceived yet.  I believe I'm stuck--maybe I'm not.  Being stuck may just be my perception of life right now~I may actually be right where I'm supposed to be.  I have lessons to learn and people whose lives I'm impacting where I'm at.  My impatience to move forward may be hindering me from the important stuff I'm supposed to be doing in the here and now.  I have myself overwhelmed and frustrated over my inability to move in the direction that I feel is right~ "I" being the key word.  "I" need to trust a higher power for what is right for me.  I keep imploring the powers that be to make sure that when change is finally going to happen they give me the most obvious sign possible so I don't miss it.  I feel that I have misinterpreted signs already and in doing so have put myself in a worse situation than I was already in.  In reality is was probably to teach me a lesson.  This is a year full of transition for me and my family so I shouldn't be completely surprised that I'm struggling to maintain control as I let go of things that no longer work in my life and move towards another chapter.

Not too long ago I wrote a blog about our struggles with the mortgage and our decision to do a "short sale".  I felt that this was the path we were supposed to take.  I worked with a trusted friend who specializes in short sales.  She advised me to stop paying the first mortgage so that it would push along the process.  I know many of you who haven't been in this situation before are probably cringing and wondering how I could have followed this advice.  My friends who have done short sales have gone through this process and it worked for them.  For us, things changed that made me question whether I'm capable of making wise decisions at all.   After five months of not making our mortgage payment we were struggling with finding a place that we could move to when the time came.   My husband was fighting with the idea of renting for two years and the places that we could conceivably rent were not available to us because of our dogs.  I began to panic.  I was trying to have faith that all would work out, but it is hard to have faith when you have a husband who refuses to budge on certain details and you can't find anyone in the mortgage industry or housing market who thinks outside of the box.  Our second mortgage holder came forward and advised us that we could go ahead and sell the house in the conventional manner because they would work with us so that we wouldn't have to report it as a short sale.  This would have been great news to  have BEFORE I stopped paying mortgage for five months.  Now I have decent credit but no one who will talk to me about mortgages because we now have late payments on our mortgage and no one wants to touch anyone with current late payments.  I need to wait a year and then reapply.  Waiting a year means twelve more months of high double mortgage payments.  We have managed the giant payments this long--we can manage another twelve months--I just don't want to.  I want to move now.  I had the five months worth of mortgage payments sitting in a bank account so when we decided to stop the short sale process I was able to get the first mortgage company current right away.  The damage has been done though.  We are now just a bunch of numbers on paper that come up short of achieving my goal.   I need to appreciate the home I have, keep caring for it and quit kicking myself for the choices I made last fall.

Our house isn't the only aspect of my life that makes me feel "stuck".  The other is my job.  I work with some great people, have a steady paycheck and my commute isn't bad.  I really am grateful that I have a job.  Flexibility is something I have always tried to incorporate into all aspects of my life.  I once said that I could never work a 9-5 job Monday-Friday because it would make me crazy.   Guess what? I have worked "bankers" hours for a year and a half now and it has some perks, but for the most part I'm miserable.  I miss the flexibility of working as a contract worker but like the steady paycheck.  I have spent countless hours trying to come up with the perfect idea for a job.  I have half formed ideas and a few pipe dreams.  I can almost piece together my unique skill set to turn into something marketable.  I am creative but not business savvy.   I tend to think big when I might be able to start with a small idea and build on it.   I am great at networking, event planning, program coordinating, volunteer coordinating, brainstorming, organizing and communication.   I want to find a way to actually make a small living doing these things.  I don't have to be rich--I just have to be able to help pay the bills and contribute to making the ends meet each month.   I know that somewhere out there my skills would be an awesome fit doing something--it is finding that elusive something, someone or somewhere that holds me back.  It is hard to make big changes anytime in your life, but when you are staring down 50, have a boatload of bills and are struggling with self esteem issues it makes it just a tad bit harder.  I realize that I am my biggest obstacle.  Even though I fancy myself a writer of sorts, I need a major spin doctor to create a resume' for me that would even get me in the running for a job that I would want.   Maybe that spin doctor could also make me see that life is actually pretty good right now.  I may or not be stuck, but I'm healthy and surrounded by friends and family who believe in me even when I am not believing in myself.   I really need to get out of my own way, wipe the dirt off my butt and keep trudging up the path so I can see where it leads.

Addiction or Pastime? Friend or Acquaintance?

Social media and being connected have changed the way of life in America.  The way we communicate, shop and entertain ourselves are only a few of the things that have changed.  Games like Angry Birds, Farmville, Candy Crush and Words with Friends are just a few of the addicting games that we find ourselves mindlessly drawn to.  I did spend a lot of time on Farmville for awhile.  I had this gorgeous plantation that was eating up way too much of my time.  That was about four years ago.  One day I decided that it was all completely silly and deleted it.  I quit cold turkey and never looked back.  I didn't have to look back.  I discovered Words With Friends and decided that it was less time consuming because I didn't have to come back and water crops by a certain time which was making me crazy.  I actually had friends sign onto my account and water my crops at one point--that was before I quit.  Anyway, back to WWF.  Not World Wrestling Federation--Words With Friends.   I started playing it in 2012 and it seemed the perfect game for me.  It is pretty much Scrabble against your friends.  The app shows you which of your FB friends are playing and you challenge them.  Over the years I have played several friends, classmates and relatives.  Some kick my ass and with others I do the ass kicking.  I personally like the close games.   It is part chance and part luck because you can't know what letters you are going to get.  There are those who use "cheater" apps to help them find words.  I don't begrudge them, I just don't play that way myself.  I rely on my own limited vocabulary and luck.  Unlike Scrabble where you have a physical board and people sitting there waiting for you--with WWF you have all the time in the world to come up with a word and can throw your letters up in all types of odd formations to try to get something that the rules say is a word.   I have tried to invent many words that I think look great but the computer doesn't recognize.  It is a somewhat brainless activity that helps me to pastime.  One of the people that I found to play against was my first grade boyfriend who broke my heart when he moved away after the third grade.  He lived down the street and I loved riding bikes and climbing trees with him.  He did visit me once our senior year when he was in town.  I had just had a bad break up with a boyfriend and I was a blubbering mess so I don't really remember the visit.  I'm sure I didn't impress him much because I didn't hear from him again until I found him on FB and sent out a friend request. He became my favorite person to play WWF with.   I had probably 15 games going at once with him.  He beat me most of the time, but lately I was winning more.  I played against him for 2 1/2 years.  That is a long time to consistently  play a game.  I knew that someday one of us would tire of it.  During our games we seldom talked or sent messages.  In all of the time I played against him I knew he was a sound engineer, a musician, he moved from Arizona to Nashville and when my dad was diagnosed he told me his mom also was fighting cancer.  We probably had less than ten real conversations and didn't really communicate much outside of the game.  I honestly don't know if he is married, has ever been married, has kids, has pets, has other hobbies--it didn't really matter.  He was someone I played a game against.  He got me through four of Kyle's surgeries, my dad's illness and other times when I needed a distraction and my phone was handy.  I played in the morning when I first woke up, sometimes during the day if there was time, then again during the evening before bed. I didn't see it as an addiction, though maybe it was.  I looked forward to playing and made time for it.  It took away from my reading and my writing so it wasn't 100% healthy.  I was trying to cut back though and was playing about once a day in April when he suddenly disappeared.  Over the course of the 2.5 years we played there were times when he didn't play for a day or two.  I never worried.  We all have lives and sometimes things take priority over a game you play on your phone.  I know on my end that I kind of thought of him as a friend.  I know friends usually actually communicate, but he was always there playing on the other end so that in itself was enough.

In April there were three days in a row that he didn't play.  In the past this wouldn't have worried me.  For some reason, this time around I knew he was gone.  He wasn't going to be coming back.   The games sit there for twelve days before they will automatically end themselves due to lack of activity.  When the twelve days were up I did challenge him to another game just in case.  I put a little message on the game asking if all was okay.  I had many different thoughts going through my head.  The most likely is that he realized that the game was an addiction and freed himself up to do other things.  I wish he would have said good-bye, but why would he?  I'm a person he plays WWF with, I'm not really a friend.  He doesn't even know me.  I may have told him about my father.  I may have told him about Kyle's surgeries~but that was just in passing while trying to rack up points on a triple word tile.   Though I am sure he is fine, what if he isn't?  What if he got into a horrific accident, lost his mother, got arrested, was kidnapped by pirates or space aliens or is in a coma.  I'm trying to be funny, but what if........   There is also the chance that he found success with his band, got busy with family, fell in or out of love....the possibilities are endless.  I am of course curious.  I'm also paranoid--what if he read on my FB that I am 250 pounds and doesn't want to associate with a chunky soccer mom from Oregon?  What if he found out I am not really political, lean towards spirituality and believe in same sex marriage.  That is my own insecurity talking.  Who cares what I weigh or what I believe in--it is a game we are playing.  Friends come in all shapes, sizes, colors, personality types, sexual orientations, religions, etc.  I'm sure that I am completely off base.  His absence is one of those mysteries I may never solve.  It just makes me sad for some reason.  I will miss him next week when Kyle goes in for surgery number five.  I do have other friends who will play with me and get me through.  Those friends are only playing 1-2 games apiece with me.

When I tried explaining my strange sadness of the situation to a friend she said she got it.  That I had formed an attachment through our shared game addiction.   She said in my mind he is a friend, not merely an acquaintance.  She didn't think it would be weird at all for me to try to message him on FB to see if everything is okay.  I have a way of over thinking everything.  She knows this about me.  If I find the right words maybe I will message him.  I really should so that I don't come up with a thousand different fictional reasons why he disappeared.  In the meantime, I have cut back on my own playing time.  I've read more books this month and I'm spending my morning before work blogging instead of playing on my phone.

Moving Forward

Last week I was chided by a good friend when I referred to my figure as that of the Pillsbury Dough Boy.   I don't really mean to beat myself up, it is just that I tend to handle life with humor.  I need to laugh sometimes so I don't cry.  Crying is no fun and what's the point in crying over spilt milk?  I have been a chunky chick for awhile now and it isn't then end of the world.  Well, I didn't think it was the end of the world until I started gaining even more weight almost effortlessly.  Why does it come on so easily and then refuse to come off.   I knew I was gaining weight.  I shunned the scale for months.  I was right around the 230 mark when my dad got sick last year.  I was unhappy there and wanted to get below 200.  I got sidetracked.  I thought I had gained about 10-12 pounds.  I wish--not really--but 10-12 would be so much more acceptable than the actual 26 pounds that I gained.  In the past few months I have grown more sluggish, have had weird dizzy spells and have had to start sleeping with a CPAP due to sleep Apnea.  I never had these issues before.  I don't think it is all age related.  I firmly believe that weight is a giant issue that is starting to catch up with me.  Until recently my doctor has been amazed at what great health I've been in.  I can almost see that little thought bubble saying "wow, you are amazingly healthy for a fat person".  She is much too nice to say that out loud, but sometimes it isn't hard to read minds!  

A lot has been happening these past months.  Job change, house decisions and life have side tracked me.  I am easily distracted when I don't want to deal with something.   I have started dealing with the weight a few times before but have just not really put the time and effort into it.  The most important part of weight loss is finding what works for you personally and then believing in yourself to be able to follow through.   Follow through isn't always my strong point.  Look at the half written book I have lying around and then the others that are in various stages.  Someday I may shock and amaze us all and actually finish one.  Yes--I am digressing--I do that often.

In the past I have been successful only when I have felt fully in control of my plan.  I have spent hours and money on programs, meal plans, diet books and hypnosis.   Each worked to varying degrees.   The only thing that is going to help me to succeed is a life change.  I have been laying the ground work for that over the past few weeks.  I was planning weight loss before I stepped on the scale and saw that awful number that made me cry.   It is what it is and all that it means is that I am going to have to work a little harder and lose a little more.   In preparation for this journey I have bought the dogs great walking harnesses, bought new walking shoes, planned a few hikes, have my fit bit up and running and sketched out a plan.  This plan is including a product that my friend is currently using and selling.  It is something that is working for her.  I don't know if it will work for me yet.  I am giving it a try for 8 weeks and will be happy to tell you all about it if I achieve results.  The bottom line though is finding what works for you.   Everyone is different and each individual has to find their own motivation, tools and will power.  

This year I turn 50.  It seems a little scary, but I'm handling it okay.  I do look at it as me entering the third quarter.  There will be no fourth quarter if I don't get a handle on my weight.  If I want another 25-50 years of quality living it is time for me to start putting more effort into the upkeep of this body. It is going to wear out if I put too much more stress on it.  Finding a healthy weight, more energy, better balance and moments of pure joy are going to do wonders for however much time I have left.   I am in trouble at home for talking about my future demise, but death is part of life.  We all will do it eventually.  I want to make sure that there are as few regrets as possible.  I will not let my weight, my lack of self confidence or my fear of failure keep me from doing anything that I really want to do.

Yes--part of this is a pep talk!  Affirmations, quotes, all of that are part of me reminding myself that I am moving forward.  There is no room for past failures or disappointments to hinder the journey.  Some days I will fall on my face.  That is okay.  It isn't a race--it is life and letting go of anything negative will help me as I work to change old patterns.  :)  When I post the motivational stuff it is because it resounded with me and may also help others out there.  I am all about helping one another achieve our goals whatever they may be.  Hopefully they are all positive ones!!

So my fit bit has my goals in it.  I need to get under 200 pounds and stay under for the rest of my life.  My doctor says that 190 is a great weight for me.  I am a size 12 at 190 and have a lot of energy.  Personally I would like to hit 175 but weight is just a number.  It is how my clothes fit, my energy level and quality of life that will be the key to feeling successful in all of this.  I made a Face book group page attached to my regular page for anyone interested in following the journey and helping to hold me accountable.  My fit bit seems to think that I can get to 190 by December.  We will see.  It needs to give room for user error!   I am tracking my water, steps and calories through it.  A big thing for me is to cut back to almost no sugar.   I am so addicted to sugar and it is NOT my friend.  I have had little to no sugar in two days.  I'm not missing it too much at the moment.  I did manage to walk past three chocolate cookies for two days until Kyle threw them away so they didn't continue to tempt me!

Let the journey begin--hopefully I won't fall off of the cliff this time around!  :)

I wish I was a dog whisperer...........

It's a mystery.  Not one that many people would take an interest in, but a mystery all the same.  There is a chance that my sweet, blue-eyed baby just may not be as sweet as I think he is.  Dempsey turned nine months old this week.   He is still a funny guy with a charming personality, but he may also have decided that his best friend is not welcome on my bed.  Maybe Dempsey has nothing to do with it, but something has happened recently and without a dog psychic I may never know what the deal is.  Yes--maybe it is time for you non-dog people to stop reading.  This is a dog blog.  You know I am a sappy dog mom, so this one is for those who can relate.

Up until last week, our king sized bed was a happy place where the dogs liked to cuddle with me while I read or napped.  Each morning when Antone let Rooney out of Kyle's room he would run in and kiss me good morning before going out to do his business.  He would then race back up the stairs and cuddle in tight until I got up.   If I read in bed at other times he would come cuddle as well.  Rooney is two and a half, so this is a well established routine and one that I guess I took for granted.  Since Rooney is Kyle's dog, he sleeps in Kyle's room.  Dempsey sleeps in our bed.  It is not something that Antone is happy about many nights, but that is where he has ended up.  He was such a cute little lonely puppy at first.  I couldn't leave him alone in the kennel all night.  I let him on the bed.  Now he is over 70 pounds and takes up some space.  He has always shared with Rooney though--there is plenty of room.

I can't pinpoint the exact day, but recently Rooney stopped coming to kiss me good morning.  I can live without the sloppy, wet morning kiss, so wasn't too concerned.  That has now turned into the fact that Rooney will not come near my bed n the morning.  He paces the room, lays by the bedroom door and ignores me when I call him.  I try to get him to come to me and he pointedly looks away.  He won't come near the bed.  Dempsey watches as I call him--he cuddles in very close to me.  Is he giving Rooney the stink eye and I don't know it.  Is he projecting a message saying this is my space and my mom and you aren't welcome up here anymore?   Maybe......   Antone tried putting Rooney up on the bed with me yesterday.  He wouldn't jump up on his own even with us giving him the green light.  We practically begged him to jump up and visit.  He looked away.   Once he was put up there physically he seemed okay--not his cuddly self though.   Today I tried again.  No dice.  

When I got up and went to the shower he jumped up on the bed and played with Dempsey.  Is it me?  Did I offend the dog?   He and Dempsey still play together and are buds.  The drama centers around the bed.  Is the bed haunted and Dempsey is immune?  Is my CPAP machine scary?  The mask is off by the time Rooney is up and around.   The machine looks like a clock radio or something--not big or intimidating.   I have heard of people trying to figure ways to keep their dogs off of the furniture.  I never seem to be in the norm....   I don't want to believe that Dempsey would have anything to do with this new behavior.  I guess I will see how the next few weeks unfold.  It could actually be a conspiracy from my husband to get me to cuddle more with him.   Hmmm..........

Judging Me Is Not Your Job

It seems there are people out there who choose to follow me on Facebook for the soul reason of judging me.  If you fall into that category I have to say I'm pretty sure that is NOT your job.  It is God's job to judge me and He certainly doesn't need to be micromanaged.  He is VERY capable of managing on His own.  God has many years of experience and is technically the only one with the right.  For many years I did not share my views, beliefs or opinions even though  I have a right to those beliefs just as all of you have rights to yours..  I've always tried to be respectful of the beliefs of others and when needed agree to disagree on certain points.  I have been married for over twenty-four years to a person that doesn't always see things the way that I do.  It's okay.  We respect one another and have no need to try to conform each other.  We have our own  minds which is how it should be.

 I spent a lot of years playing the part of the chameleon, the ostrich and the golden retriever.  I wanted to fit in, avoid conflict and be loved by everyone.  Constantly working to gain the approval of others is both impossible and exhausting. There are so many more constructive things to do with my time.  Conflict is something that I still try avoid when possible, but conflict helps us to learn and to grow.  As long as we are living we should be learning and growing.  Sitting back thinking we know it all, judging those who we believe don't know it all and thinking that a narrow mind is a good thing are harmful to ourselves and others.

If I were a political person I would most likely be a Democrat who leans more towards Liberal views than Conservative ones.  I was given the gifts of empathy, a big heart, an open mind and a lot of love.  These are wonderful gifts that can sometimes be painful because this world is full of self-centered people with closed hearts and minds who hoard their love and dole it out to only those who they deem worthy.  I'm not wired that way.  God does do the wiring.  He created us as unique individuals and bestowed free will upon us. My free will and the freedom awarded to me by the country that I live in has made it okay for me to be who I am and not be ashamed of it.

We chose to raise our children in a loving environment that allowed them to be who they are as individuals.  Our four children are completely different in many ways and each has their own path. Though they may choose to keep some aspects of their lives private, for the most part my children share almost everything with me. I have respected their opinions and decisions.  I have made myself open and available to them.  I am not saying that we made all of the right decisions in parenting or that raising our children has been harmonious.  We have learned lessons and grown together as a family.  Mistakes have been made which we own up to.  Our children are all adults now.  We learn from one another.  They have fresh ways of looking at things that I haven't always considered.  I enjoy my time with each of them and am proud of who they have become regardless of how society views them.  It is true that two of my children are living with significant others who they are not married to.  As consenting adults, this is their right.  I have no power to stop them and no right to judge them.  They are making their way in the world the best way that they know how and are learning valuable lessons about life daily.  They don't need my opinions.  They need my love, support and respect.

My family knows that I believe in God, in Jesus, in Angels, in Ghosts, in gender equality, in freedom to love on another regardless of age, race, sex or gender, in Gay rights, in the power of positive thinking and a long list of other things.  They don't agree with all of my beliefs.  They shake their head at a few.  They love and respect me though.  They let me be who I am just as I let them be themselves.  I am not perfect, I am not always right, I do have a good heart and I do believe that love, respect and kindness are essential elements in all relationships.  God loves me.  He knows me better than anyone.  What I do, what my family does and how we choose to live are all known and seen by God.  He doesn't need anyone reporting to him.  He has all of the facts.  The facts He has are true and not skewed by those who view my life through their own filter~a filter laced with their opinions, beliefs and world views.

Though I am sure there are many verses in the Bible that some of you would like to throw at me that will prove I am a sinner bound for eternal damnation.   This is one of my favorite verses.  To me it tells us that there are things in this world that no one really knows or understands.  We can have all of the opinions we want, but until we are face to face with God we will never have all of the answers:

Love
…11When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Love is how I choose to see God.  Love is how I choose to view others.  Love is the filter that I put over my personal lens.  If you cannot accept who I am.  If my Democratic, Gay Rights, Liberal views offend you, then please quietly hit the unfriend button.   I don't need your barbed reasoning or your opinions on my life.  I just need to be surrounded by those who like to lift people up, not drag them down.   If you feel that judging others is your job, you may want to rethink your career choice, unless of course you are a judge.   In that case, judge me only if I'm brought before you in  your court.

Sleep Hypopnea, Haunted Dolls and K

Yes, it has been awhile since I have unloaded my addled brain in a random rant about everything and nothing at all.  Today I picked up the magical machine that will turn my sleepless nights into restful slumber that will miraculously give me more energy, clear my mind and help life to become much, much better.   It seems that I have  a case of Sleep Hypopnea with a minor dose of  Sleep Apnea.  This is probably why I am up several times per night.  I was blaming it on my bladder and the overgrown puppy that I still haven't kicked out of the bed.  He stretches his seventy plus pound, eight month old  body between my husband and I effectively stealing the majority of the covers in the process.  Sometimes his bladder wakes him up as well which means I get elected to take him downstairs to the backyard to do his business.  The chiropractor advised me on Saturday that I should move him from the bed to the floor.  I'm just not sure how to break that to him.  He is so sweet and really, if he would just learn to sleep at the foot of the bed we could all sleep happily ever after.   As is my usual way, I am digressing.  Back to the Hypopnea.  It seems this is becoming a more and more common condition world wide.  It causes daytime sleepiness and obesity.  Can I dare dream that I will lose my lifelong love of naps.  Okay--maybe not lifelong.  I'm sure I fought them when I was little.  I started enjoying them in my teens.  Could it mean that breathing at night would help me to become a little less chunky?  What about my highly entertaining yet somewhat bizarre dreams?  Are they a product of oxygen deprivation?  Will I lose my ability to wake up each morning and say WTF?  My dreams have become increasingly weirder in the past few months.  I have blamed stress and an overly active imagination.  The ghosts, body contortionist demons and abundance of fire on Saturday night did leave me mildly disturbed.  Will my dreams become mundane when I am getting enough air at night?  Time will tell.

If I would have read the article about the woman in Scotland with the Haunted Dolls before Saturday I would blame the article for my nightmares.  I realize that my friends and family think that I have strange beliefs and ideas at times.  I don't contradict them, strange is in the eye of the beholder.  Yes, I can be weird.  I will NEVER however spend thousands of dollars on Haunted Dolls.  This woman trolls the Internet looking for dolls with spirits in them.  It is believed that dolls came about as vessels to hold spirits.  This woman communicates with the spirits in her dolls as do her children.  They entertain the spirits and even have a babysitter for them if they are going to be away.  I'm sorry--I would never babysit someones freaky dolls to make sure they didn't wreak havoc on their apartment while they were away.  If the dolls are going to wreak havoc, I don'[t want to be anywhere near them when they do it.  Dolls and clowns are two of the freakiest things I can think of.  I know that I go ghost hunting but I would never invite a ghost to come live with my and become part of my family.  I guess I should never say never.  If I were to meet the right ghost, maybe we would settle down together~it is hard to say.  Why would any ghost want to limit themselves to the body of a doll when they could be flying around free from constraints.  Think of the places you could go.  I wouldn't want to be in a stuffy apartment with a strange woman deciding what we should watch on the telly.

To those of you who text me.  I am sorry if the letter "K" offends you.  I usually try to text out complete words.  I don't use things like LOL or other short cuts.  I feel I am too old to use "u" instead of you.  I will however type "K" instead of okay if I am busy or just being lazy.  Last week one of Kyle's friends asked me if I was mad at him.  He texted to say that he dropped in for a few minutes while we were gone.  He let the dogs out and got a drink.  He is like family so this was fine.  I was in the car, as a passenger, and texted "K" because I get carsick texting in the car and wanted him to know that it was fine that he was there.  The dogs were probably thrilled to see him.  He is under the impression that "K", especially a big "K" means that you are mad or irritated at someone.  I seldom get mad.  When I am irritated, the majority of the time it is a personal issue.  You may be irritating me but it is because I have a headache, I am tired or for whatever reason that probably has little to do with you and a lot to do with my mood.    If I have texted "K" to any of you and you have thought I was mad--sorry.  I will try to type okay from now on.  If I do get lazy and type "k", I will use a small "k" so I'm not shouting.

I continue to be amazed at the world and the changes that have come about not only in my life time, but in the past few years.  Technology is going way too fast for my aging brain.  I never imagined signing documents online, sending my kids photos of something in the store to see if they would want it or asking my phone what "Hypopnea" means.  My car talks to me, a microchip informed a doctor that I snored over 600 times one night, stopped breathing 4 times, had shallow breathing at least 23 times per hour and took in from 75%-93% oxygen through the night.  Last week in the store the original Don McLean version of "American Pie" was playing.  I told the clerk that I had the "45" when I was young and that you had to turn it over in the middle of the song since the song was so long.  He smiled at me.  When we left the store my friend reminded me that he probably had no idea what a "45" was.   I have become my grandma.  I speak of ancient things that my children and grandchildren will have no concept of.  I used to sit up late listening to 62 KGW on the AM station waiting to hear my newest favorite song.  If I was lucky I could hit record in time to not only catch the beginning of the song, but to miss the DJ talking over it.  After capturing the music on my little device I would rewind and fast forward with a pen in hand trying to make out all of the lyrics.  My kids have taught me that when I hear a new song I just have to hit an app on my phone that will be able to tell me who it is and what it is.  Of course I can always Google the lyrics.  Yes--I have digressed and gone all random on you.  It is what I do.  I also used to walk to school two miles in the snow up hill both ways!!